Yours is the first post I have read on this forrum that I just joined NOW & I am so relating already!! It is like being of a puzxle that you can't solve! Logical people do not make good step parents. Personally I think having children is completely illogical if you are the kind of person who enjoys life & what hard work has to offer. So many folks have kids to put in their emotional bank, hopeful that their kids will return the favor of dealing with them when they need help in old age, or to never "feel alone". So a non-bio parent is that much more behind the ball. And it truly sucks. Trying family therapy as a good faith effort & 14yr old leaves session to lock self in bathroom & announced that she was puking due to anxiety. A super awkward drive home in silence. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. We'll get another fruitless bill we can't afford now. Where's that cyber beer again?

I read the whole thing and I have my own beer.... passing you one, now young man... listen and listen carefully (fine fine read... to the end)

1. Disengage from Stench.... it's alright to like one person and not another, it's human... you treat people the way they treat you.
2. Stay out of Sunny and Stenches business... not your monkey not your zoo, take the other kid and do something fun
3. Try and get a office job, and traveling, yes distance makes the heart grow fonder....and Sunny will have to deal with her brat and not pass it on to you
4. You have to look into the future ... Stench is 15 - make sure he gets out after high school graduation, thus you have tops 4 years left with the idiot

Now ... boys age 15-19 are terrible terrible little m'effers, and if they live the next day, you as adult did good not by killing them, I went through this with my own kid.

As the survivor of 4 boys (2 bios and 2 steps)it is tough. They smell, they are focused on themselves and what they do and everything else is dumb and stupid. When my youngest went off to Afghanistan I was crying at the airport - as mothers tend to do - my son gave me a rare hug and whispered in my ear "If you hear Beatles music coming from *s/brothers* room, do NOT go in without knocking!" Ew gross! But it made me smile.

Ask your own parents what you were REALLY like at 15. My mother will tell you I was not very nice at all and led her a merry dance and nearly drove her to 'daughtercide'. I cannot remember a thing that I did that was so bad. I really can't. So maybe a discussion with your parents asking for examples of the worst things you did that drove them insane would be a place to start. You cannot have been a golden child who never put a foot wrong and whose work ethic was inbred.

This boy has a s/father in his life. Where is his own father? If he hasn't been in the picture often or at all this child has had no positive male role model for 15 yrs. You turn up all gung-ho about being clean and tidy and engaging and helpful and a high achiever when all he has learned is how to dress himself and feed himself and how x-box figures into his schedule. Imagine if you mother had brought a step father into your life who was lazy and slothful and had encouraged such behavior and got annoyed when you cleaned up and got As. How would your adjustment have gone?

He has a lot of catching up to do and his mother needs to be the leader there. It is great she backs you up but she should be leading, not you. You: Excuse me? Do not speak to your mother like that..... Your mother asked you to put out the trash. Please do it now or the x-box gets locked in my trunk overnight.... Bob, your room smells like a science experiment. Please sort it out, thanks. Here is your own laundry basket.

As Sue said, he is not your son. One of my friends married a man w/out children and she has 3 of her own. He criticized them at every turn. He wanted a perfect clean house all the time. They were kids and left their shoes lying around or a book or their bed wasn't made my 10am Saturday he would flip his lid. He demanded they behave better than they were brought up and my friend is a neat freak. She ended up divorcing him and his behavior towards her children was one of the reasons. Your s/son-to-be needs guidance and direction. 15 is a pretty crappy age. Hormones are being awful to you.

Ease up on the boy. Offer to take him to a movie. You can both sit in silence and not talk a bit. Buy him good man care products. Not top line but not dollar store. Tell him when he runs out you will replace them. It sounds like his is a lost sheep with no one expect this grouchy boyfriend of his mother to deal with not to mention whatever crap is going on at school. I am not saying to go easy on him but be a role model instead of a disciplinarian all the time. If his room is craptastic nasty, tell his mother... Sunny, can you do something about ss15s room? It is pretty potent and I am sure alien lifeforms will set up as squatters pretty soon....

how long have you and Sunny been married (i.e. how long have you been in Stench's life?) Is his annoying behavior something new, or has he always been a bit of a butt?

Is there anything in the world that you could bond with this kid over? Like I couldn't stand my SD (filthy slob, manipulative, liar etc).. but I have horses and she liked horses, so we could "bond" over that. She was into outdoorsy things (running, kayaking etc) and so am I, so we could "bond" doing or talking about those things. Granted we didn't do this "bonding" often, because she was at that age (16) where she would much rather be off with her friends or her BM than "bonding" with her evil step mother. But at least I was making an effort.. if that makes any sense.

I get where you are coming from with the "not how you were raised" I was raised to be respectful, to do my part, to pick up after myself, to not lie etc. SD, who lived with BM/GBM from 0-14 was raised in a filthy slob hole, was raised to manipulate anyone that you can get something from, was raised to lie whenever it was self serving, and was raised thinking that the world owed her something. When she moved in with us from ages 14-16 it was hell. Clash of the fecking Titans. I finally had to start letting things go. Like her room was always a sty. This drove me bonkers because the rest of my 3000 sq ft home is clean and because our BS was not allowed to be a slob. But I had to channel my inner Elsa and let it go. I would just close her door. If her shit was laying around the house, I would just open her door and toss it in her room, or throw it in the trash. The bathroom that she used was a sty, but I had to let it go. BS had to start taking showers in our bathroom because he refused to use the tub because it was always full of hair and empty shampoo bottles and I refused to clean up after a 15 year old. DH understood and would get on her ass to clean up her holes.. but it never lasted. But again, once I let that small area of my home go to the demilitarized zone... my frustration level went way down.

Xero, I read your blog this morning at 1:30 and promised myself I would comment when I was more fully awake and at at decent keyboard.

I have been co-parenting my SS14 since he was 7. Recently, since his hormones have started raging, I have wanted to take him and his messy, stinky, smelly, surly, disrespectful, immature little bottom by the throat and hang him. There are days when I look at him and think "I seriously hate your face right now." And I love the kid.

So, Don't beat yourself up too much. Part of it is the "teenage boy" thing; I think they are programmed to be as disgusting as possible. It is some sort of rite of passage for them and for us.

See if you and Sunny can seek counseling together. You may find tools there to help you cope.

xero - that disengagement link that was posted earlier - you need to make sure you have it bookmarked, and read it many times.

i will caution you, tho', on two things, and please please please heed my advice. 1.) do *not* have a family meeting to announce your disengagement. just do it gradually, letting go of one thing at a time. and 2.) disengagement is different for everyone. it should always be in a state of flux (unless they're on their own and dead to you). and it can be different for how you handle each kid.

i'll share my personal disengagement journey. i went full-stop. big mistake. i re-engaged fully, and started to drop one thing at a time that i was doing previously that caused discord. the first thing was laundry, i taught them how to use the machines, how to sort clothes, etc. the next time they needed clothes, i said "the washer's empty, have at it!" they did good for a while, then started bugging dh. so dh does their laundry, but i dont care as long as it doesnt interfere w/ me.

i quit picking up after them. i quit house-cleaning, cuz i simply will not clean around an obstacle course. i quit cooking for them, cuz i'd make dinner and then dh would play short-order chef to the kids, sometimes even cooking up to three additional meal besides the one i had already cooked. i quit talking to kaos unless he addresses me first in a nice manner. i also refuse to drive him anywhere unless i feel like it (which is not often).

dh did NOT like it. he was very unhappy and took it as that i quit caring about our home and family, but that's because his "love language" is "acts of service". i explained to him "our home and family is my world. but i've gotten really resentful because of..... and i need to stop doing what's making me resentful for me, my health, and our marriage." he has stepped up and either made the kids do xyz or he'll do it himself.

just remember to keep it flexible and reevaluate yourself from time to time. you can re-engage in certain aspects depending on the kid and the circumstance.