Should I marry him?

3 years ago I fell in love with a really wonderful man. He treats me great and I feel like he loves me very much...until his daughter a) texts him b) calls c)sends request to FaceTime d) comes to visit

I have a daughter now in college who did not have a good relationship with her father because he abandoned her emotionally even though I encouraged their relationship. So in the beginning I tried very hard to understand the relationship between my fiancé and his (now) 14 year old daughter. But over 3 years later and the situation is the same. She can do no wrong and I am the one who is jealous, expecting too much from him, etc. Really everything I have experienced has been mentioned on this site repeatedly.

What makes this tolerable is she lives in Germany but when she comes for 4 or so weeks in the summer and every holiday she can, things get stressful to say the least. She wants only photos of her EVERYWHERE and she paints pictures for her daddy and gives them as Christmas presents, etc. so he feels obligated to decorate with them.

I have not yet moved into his house so she feels in charge of it when she visits. I broke it off with him a year ago for 6 months and didn't intend to go back, but after a few failed attempts to find another great guy, they almost all had similar issues, I went back to him and I do love him.

She HATES that we are getting married and now talks about moving to the USA with him and going to college here (it is free in Germany and she wants to be an attorney!) I'm trying to decide if it is really worth the ongoing issues for the rest of my life. I need advice before it is too late!

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We have had lots of

We have had lots of conversations about how he feels about who is jealous. He knows SD is jealous and from the beginning he has told her it is not a competition. However, when she visited and counted the number of photos in his house of me and him vs. her, she requested he add 12 more of her (and he did). I think he knew it was not the right thing to do but he wanted to please her. He doesn't expect me to be SM to SD in a parenting way since she only comes for visits and I don't live there it hasn't been an issue. He knows I won't allow her to move here but I don't trust that it won't happen once we are married and he feels I will stay and put up with it. She is the only child so part of him feels she is an extension of him. His 2 sisters cannot have children (they live in Germany) and his mom all spoil her by taking her shopping and allocating space in their home just for her. They have told her she is a "millionaire" since she is set to inherit from all 3 of them their homes, etc. I think he is being Disney Dad and wants to give his little girl anything he can to make her happy.

However, when she visited and

However, when she visited and counted the number of photos in his house of me and him vs. her, she requested he add 12 more of her (and he did).

....and he did. WTF? Run, run as fast as you can. Come on, there has GOT to be someone out there that is better for you than this! You know going into this that you are going to play second fiddle to this mini wife forevvvveeerrrr.

I will count to 12 while you

I will count to 12 while you pack your shi* as fast as possible!!!! WTF? I would have shoved 12 pictures up his a*s on my out.

Have you talked to him about

Have you talked to him about his overpowering (for lack of a better word) daughter? What does he think about her wanting photos of herself everywhere?

I can promise you, dads like that do NOT change if they don't see a problem with their daughters running the household. They don't stop, even when they're grown. Just look around at the boards here.

I wouldn't have married my husband if he let his daughter have ANY say in our home decor or anything like that lol. I'm the woman of the house, I decorate how I please and no other lady, not even my stepdaughter, gets to decide what's displayed and what isn't displayed in our home.

FYI I wouldn't let my own kids either. They can grow up and buy a home of their own and spend their own money to decorate how they please

Dads who give their daughters too much say in their lives are the worst and they honestly don't change. Just keep that in mind. She'll be more his wife than you will!

I agree with what you are

I agree with what you are saying and I know he won't change and I'm not the demanding type. SD is very manipulative and I don't like arguing with anyone over silly things like photos but she knows this and goes to the next level when she sees she gets away with it.

Very true. My DH and I had

Very true.

My DH and I had our issues but we worked together to work them out. We took a break because we both wanted to reflect. We got back together and planned a last-minute wedding that took place a month later. I didn't ask anyones input, not even my parents. I just told them, hey, we're getting married on X date. It's last minute so can we use your backyard? LOL

If it's the right relationship for you, you wouldn't be asking other people if you should marry him, you'd be booking a venue and buying a dress and not even carrying about the little details of the wedding because it wouldn't matter. I would've married my DH in a court house if it came down to it. I've never looked back on my decision, because we made changes in our relationship for the better before we even THOUGHT of marriage.

It sounds like you two still have some things to work out, and you need to be certain they actually get worked out before jumping in.

You are right I don't have to

You are right I don't have to ask internet strangers but I came across this blog and like the purpose of the blog. Hearing other's opinions can sometimes confirm what you already know. The responses I have gotten have been helpful.

My SD17 is a problem child.

My SD17 is a problem child. After 4 years of marriage, things are not perfect. She is the great big stink bomb in our family.

However, my dh always listens to my feelings about it. He always tries to do better even if he doesn't agree with me. He never belittles me nor treats me like I am the child. When he does say something insensitive or off-key, he scrambles fast to find out what's wrong and to work it through. Therefore we are happy.

If he told me things like I was jealous of his kid (oh, pleez) and whatever, I could not have tolerated this situation.

It's really telling that you left him for 6 months and nothing changed. If you do marry him, you must accept that NOTHING will EVER change vis a vis dad's parenting. Only you know if you can live like that for decades.

Parents are parents and

Parents are parents and children are children regardless of step/bio status. Maybe if you express it that way, he will better understand that you aren't targeting SD specifically, but that this is a larger parenting issue. If his parenting style is to allow his child to control the house and/or other adult decisions and he isn't willing to change that, I think you may always have problems. If you know this about him now, look to the future. Do you plan/want children with this man? Is he going to encourage this type of behavior with bio kids too?

Thanks for your response. We

Thanks for your response. We are both done with having children. I'm 47 and he is 51. I don't think he sees anything wrong with trying to keep her happy and do the things she asks. SD makes him feel guilty and in turn he tries to prove he still loves her and how important she still is to him. Knowing bio kids aren't going to be another issue it is just dealing with SD and her visits. The only thing we disagree on is relating to her and the vacation days he spends with her. Sometimes we take separate vacations but I hate that I'm home while they vacation with all his vacation days.

I saw your comment on another

I saw your comment on another thread about you going to Germany with him and SD got mad. That's hard. I agree that you need to find a way to split the vacation days between time with her and time with you. If you marry this man, you can't come second to his daughter. If taking a family vacation together isn't an option, he needs to find a way to make time for you too. I personally would expect my DH to stand up for me to his daughter. I would expect to be included on vacations even if SD didn't like it though I would encourage them to do SOME things just the two of them. Go to Germany together, do some group things, but then you could volunteer to hang back at the hotel while they do something just the two of them.

Is he willing to sell "his"

Is he willing to sell "his" house so that the two of you can have a "your" house? His response to that question will be telling. If he won't move because it's SD's house, or if he needs permission from SD, then you have a problem and your wants and needs really are optional to him.

I'm very thankful for the

I'm very thankful for the posts everyone made. My heart loves this man but my head tells me to run (again). I am too old to put up with the drama SD brings to the situation and I'm only fooling myself with thoughts of her eventually dropping out of the picture. It isn't going to happen with this needy girl. Another big issue has been where we will live if we got married. He doesn't want to sell his house but has mentioned renting it so we can find a place "in the middle" of our job locations. I work and live in a nearby city and moving to his home is too far for me to commute and the town he lives in doesn't have the sort of job I have (VP) I worked hard to get my current position and quitting is not an option for me. I believe he wants to keep his house so it won't upset his "Star". He is now in Germany on a business trip for 2 weeks. He is out shopping with her this weekend. Her mother was the worst according to what everyone told me and I know she says things to SD since the beginning that her dad having a girlfriend was terrible news for SD. Sometimes I think I should fight for the right to be his wife and stand up for my rights but other times I feel like it is a losing battle. I went back after the 6n month break because I thought time away would help and it did but I was hoping he would not go back to his old ways of living for SD's every request. I know leaving hurt him badly and he even had heart issues. He and his family were happy I decided to come back. They are all supportive and know SD is trouble and they try to help control it. I think my guy really tries to be a good dad and boyfriend but doesn't want anyone to be upset with him.

Sometimes I think I should

Sometimes I think I should fight for the right to be his wife

Please re-read this. Again and again, if necessary, until you see how ridiculous that sounds.

If anything, he should be fighting to keep you, proving that he is worthy of being your husband, not you fighting for the right to be his wife.

Being a good dad does not mean letting his daughter call the shots. Frankly, I don't think I've ever heard of a good parent who has not had their kids upset with them!

Following your heart now, when you know that your head is right, will get you a whole lot of heartache. There's a reason your heart and your head are not in agreement.

This is wonderful advice.

Girl, you are a VP. You have a daughter in college. You are obviously hard working. Don't think for one second that you have to settle for anything less than fabulous.
I'm sure it's not a lot of fun to date at 47. I'm in my mid 30s and it's not fun. But you are a CATCH!! Keep reminding yourself of that.
He should be bending over backward to show you that you will be the only woman in his life. But right now, he's showing you that your relationship is only important when his mini wife isn't around. You are basically the girl on the side. You deserve so much more than that.
Go with your gut. Women have intuition for a reason. Sure, you could end up single for years. But isn't that better than being married for years to the wrong man?

I'd be alone for years before

I'd be alone for years before I was with someone like you are describing.

If you are going to be his

If you are going to be his wife you should be the very last person he would upset. If he doesn't care not it won't get better. He won't stand up to his daughter. And you will always feel like a second class citizen in your own home when she visits. Can u handle it for the rest of your life. ?

People who don't want anyone

People who don't want anyone to be upset with them, especially their children, are the worst partners. There are SM's on this site who are retirement age still dealing with the same issues you are. There is no age or stage where it magically ends.

Should I marry

Should I marry him?

Apparently not or you wouldn't be asking the question, to yourself or to anybody else.

You broke up with him for a reason and nothing has changed, why would you marry him? You should have never gone back to him, much less marry him.

He will NOT change.

This is truly ridiculous that

This is truly ridiculous that sd requests 12 pics of her. My DD is very close to her father and me but I cant even imagine her asking for such thing! Wtf? What about being humble?

This reminds me of my exSO whose adult kids demanded we have their pics everywhere. Gee. That's why he is ex.

Run

Thank you for your response.

Thank you for your response. I've never heard the term mini-wife before today but that is exactly the description. Her first visit to the US with him 2 years ago after the divorce was brutal. She would not speak English around me and would sit in daddy's lap when she could. Her favorite picture is of her dad holding her "bride over the threshold" style at the beach with her in a bikini. This is on the cabinet in his living room along with the collage of pictures of them together. I understand from people who knew him for many years warned me that she was very spoiled and catered to and would be trouble. At Christmas (it was very cold) she wore club type short sleeveless dresses and bright red lipstick. She is about a size 0 but tall with curly blonde hair. She is very pretty but looks more like 19 than 14 and acts very childish. She gives gifts to him that are decorative type gifts so he is always reminded of her (in every room) and of course his bedside nightstand. Focusing on this aspect of our relationship makes me soooo sad because our relationship is great in every other way. When I walked away it seemed like every guy I met that was nice, attractive and interested all had very similar issues and some seemed much worse with every other weekend visits (which I cannot imagine) and more than one daughter and even a crazy vengeful ex that scared me to think about getting involved with that type of situation.

The hard part is I love him. Sometimes he takes up for me and puts me first. Sometimes he puts his foot down and tells SD "no getting a 120 pound dog is probably not a good idea" (she wanted us to get the dog for when she came to visit). He has told her if she is not nice to me she cannot visit. Once she was acting very nice when I came over after work and I found out he told her if she would be nice he would let her keep a stray kitten they found while out walking.

I get the feeling when they have their daily facetime calls (speaking German) that she pressures him to make promises and I think he does regarding all sorts of things. She may ask to go to Ulta when she visits and him not knowing she will want a $50 lipstick and $20 bottle of nail polish, etc., and once they go there will agree then she will pressure him to buy a lot of items that are overpriced and he won't know until they are at the register and he paid for it.

Wow I vented a lot here. Sounds like you have had your own experiences. Are you still with him?

You should consider the point

You should consider the point here that love and marriage do not need to be mutually exclusive. Our culture tells us that once we find love, the next logical step is to get married. HA! Marriage should be seen for what it is, a partnership between two people. Set your emotions aside for a moment and consider this like a business arrangement. Does partnering with this man make sense? Would tying your home and finances to him make sense both now and 10 years from now? You have already mentioned that you don't want kids.

Also keep in mind that choosing not to marry him doesn't mean that you can't love him or maintain a relationship with him. You will still have to work on relationship issues and find a way to deal with the German princess, but you will have the freedom to walk away with ease if/when it gets to be too much.

RUN!!!!!

I left my ex with nightmarish

I left my ex with nightmarish adult kids at 48, started dating at 49 and was happily married at 50. No need to stick around nonsensical crap any longer than yo have to. Granted I stayed over 8 years but things were fine until one of adult SDs decision to move in. Then shit hit the fan and I was out

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your comments. This is all very good advice and I have decided not to marry him, which means I will break it off and look else where. This will be very hard, but not as hard as living live in the middle of drama the rest of my life. I'd like to try the approach of putting my foot down, but I'm of the opinion that that usually creates more tension making me look like the uncaring step mom trying to change what has been in place years before I entered the picture. It is scary how easy it is to be headed down a path with a man you want to be your dream guy and find out again and again he is already taken by his first love his "star". When I feel weak I will re-read everyone's comments and stand tall. Thanks!!!!

my advice - don't get married

my advice - don't get married to him and do not move in together.... he clearly shows he changes when his little princess is around.....

I would simply disengage from the SD and if SO is not attentive from him as well... never be happy to be second to a child in any relationship.

Thank you for your reply.

Thank you for your reply. This is great advice. As much as I want to believe SO is serious enough about me to get married red flags are showing and this site has helped me see more clearly and has been very educational. I've learned about "mini-wife" syndrome and "enmeshment" issues.SO sadly lost his dad when he was 4 yrs old and calls his mom by her first name. I think now I understand he was expected to be the man of the house and given adult emotional responsibilities and now he doesn't understand boundaries between parent child and is giving his 14 year old the ability to plan his life, decorate his home and be his best friend. I feel bad for the situation but have learned "you can't fix what you didn't break". Thanks.

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