How to handle?
This weekend we will be heading to States for my BS for wrestling.
BS's paternal aunt reached out to me and said she looked up the information and saw that her house is only 3 hours away and she would like to come and see BS wrestle.
She has not seen BS in 3 years. I guess her and BS's dad had a falling out. They have always has a weird relationship. The aunt is younger then Ex but she is more mature, responsible, etc. She has dealt with Ex and his alcohol issues and abuse first hand. Their mom had told me that Ex basically threatened the aunt with not seeing BS anymore if she didn't do something that he wanted. Aunt basically told Ex to F off and they haven't spoke in 3 years.
I have no issues with BS's aunt. We are FB friends, but it's more to share pics of BS. She sometimes reaches out to me when she wants ideas on gifts to buy BS.
I am excited for her to see BS wrestle and for BS to see her.
I am wondering if I should invite her to our hotel before we head to the arena or invite her to lunch to give her some extra time to spend with BS. BS is obviously going to be busy once we get to the arena.
When I told DH that BS's aunt reached out to me about seeing him, his first response was "Why didn't she ask BS if he wanted to see her, why is she asking you?" He was kind of pissy about it.
Recently DH has been very "pissy" about Ex. I get it. Ex doesn't pay CS (though that doesn't affect DH financially), Ex doesn't do his half (though I wouldn't say that affects DH either, I just take care of it all) but I get it. DH is the one there more for BS then Ex is. However, I feel like DH wants to be more angry and pissy and not be nice to Ex at all when we do see him. I feel like, if we can all be cordial, what is the problem? Like why make a problem if there isn't a real problem?
I want to respect DH's feelings but I feel like BS doesn't get the opportunity to see his aunt that often and I want to make sure he gets as much time with her as possible and that it is comfortable for everyone. It's already going to be a stressful weekend.
I feel like DH and I can have civil relationships with Ex and his family. His family understand the situation and are respectful of DH. Unlike BM, Ex and his family aren't disrespectful and nasty.
I do realize, I am asking DH to be around EX's sister, while I here (but not to DH) bitched about my SIL- DH's sister being friendly with BM and having anxiety about YSD's graduation and how that is all going to play out. However, I do feel like they are totally different situations, based off of the differences in how BM treats us and how Ex's family treats us.
Thoughts?
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Comments
I think he is just being
I think he is just being stubborn to just be stubborn.
BM treats us like crap and he sometimes expects me to brush it under the rug.
EX causes no issues and sometimes it seems like DH is looking for an issue.
IDK, maybe your DH does think
IDK, maybe your DH does think EX is causing an issue by not exercising his rights to see his child which in turn would give DH the break he may need from his step.
Yes I think that is a part of
Yes I think that is a part of it. Which I agree with. BS should see his dad more often. In the summer he will see him more.
Maybe he feels upset watching
Maybe he feels upset watching bs not have a dad that is there for him?
I think he just gets upset
I think he just gets upset that Ex isn't doing his job. I think it is a concern for BS but I also don't think he likes that Ex doesn't pay CS or help with anything with BS and he sees the stress it causes me and it makes him mad.
Yes he is.
Yes he is.
how old is ds? can he not go
how old is ds? can he not go to lunch with her and you and dh have a lunchdate elsewhere? that way ds spends time w/ his aunt without forcing your dh to hang out with his wife's ex-relative?
i'd be more concerned about the likelihood of her sitting with you guys during the tournament. if your dh is pissy now, just wait until that happens....
He's 11. I'm not even sure
He's 11.
I'm not even sure what time she plans on coming....
I do plan on asking if she wants to sit with us. It will be a big group of us and the arena is big and BS will need to be close to us to make sure he gets to his matches on time, so I dont want to have to worry about her sitting far away and BS being over with her and me trying to get him, etc.
That's odd. I can see him
That's odd. I can see him being pissy if you said Ex was coming.. but exes sister? Who cares?
When my exh and I divorced, I just divorced him.. not his whole family. They didn't do anything wrong and they are truly lovely people. I am still friendly with all of them whenever I run into them and my DH could care less.
I think you are right about
I think you are right about it all.
He complains that Ex isn't doing his job as a father and needs to step up but then it's like he'd prefer at other times for him to not be around and for him to be BS's father. I think more for a "unity" of family. (the 3 of us).
DH is very much alpha male. I also think that plays into it.
When we got married, he didn't say adoption but felt that BS should have our last name. I know 100% though if Ex was 100% out of the picture DH would adopt BS.
..., his first response was
..., his first response was "Why didn't she ask BS if he wanted to see her, why is she asking you?" ...
If Aunt had actually done this it would have been inappropriate. No adult, relative or not, should be arranging meetings with an eleven year old without consulting the parent.
Ideally the relationship between the aunt and BS should be through BD. But, since it is not, and aunt is willing to spend the time to drive three hours to see him, she is obviously going above and beyond to try to keep the relationship viable.
Lunch would be nice. The aunt might be waiting for you to extend the invitation. She might feel that it would be intrusive for her to suggest it.
She probably is waiting for
She probably is waiting for me to extend an invitation. I am going to talk more to DH about it and get a feel for where he is at with everything.
Pick out something nice that
Pick out something nice that you and your husband can do that he will enjoy while aunt takes bs out for lunch or a movie or whatever fits in with the schedule. Aunt is not traveling 6 hours in a day to spend time with you or your husband so there is no need for you all to hang out and you and your husband can find a fun adult activity to do while the boy is being entertained.
I know Aunt isn't there to
I know Aunt isn't there to see me and DH but it's also a big weekend and BS will be busy with wrestling so any lunch is going to be something quick, etc.
The biggest thing is she should sit with us, because there is usually hours in between matches, that way she can visit with BS during this time.
My main aim was not to make
My main aim was not to make it easier for the aunt but to make it easier and more palatable for your husband.
it's simply - you can tell
it's simply - you can tell Aunt she's welcome to come and watch...... you can also tell her
we are staying in hotel XYZ and will be leaving at A time for the venue, if you want to join us for coffee/tea/lunch/drink at B time or we just see you at the venue....
stuff DH - I would tell him, I'm not fond of your children yet I suck it up when they are close by, you can do the same, it's the first time in 3 years...
I might just use that last
I might just use that last line!