Help Please My SS-15 wants to move out! How do I help him see he's where he belongs!!!!
Have Been with my Husband for 10+ yrs! We have full custody of his 3 kids now SD-12,SS-14,SS-15& I have 2 Daughters now 19&11! I was widowed 11 1/2 yrs ago! I love my family so much. I've learned that being a mother/Stepmother is the hardest job ever
So here is my issue as of now...need advise!! My oldest SS-15 doesn't like rules and wants to live with his BM, she has only been in their lives for about a year in the last 10! She has gone through dozens of Boyfriend! She lived in our town and I thought she actually wanted to be there for her kids She had a son,from a brief relationship, whom my children adore, she named her youngest after our oldest son my SS-15. She met some man online and moved 3000 miles away. My SK's love their little brother,he is adorable! My oldest Ss wants to move3000 miles away to be with his BB,with his name.
I feel he wants to move because he wants no rules. Their BM has never cared properly for her kids, never. But I have faith that people can change. She has Bi-Polor issues (not that that makes her any less their parent) my mother was the same way. Sadly she uses the new child as a tool to pull our kids away. She likes being the fun,no rule mom. I'm so afraid mySS wont be cared for properly due to past experiences ect. We have raised him without any problems. Teenagers are all unique.
My husband is heartbroken! We don't want him to move away, but my husband " wants his son to be happy" I feel my SS will end up being a babysitter and not keep his focus on school. I don't know what to do to support my Husband besides loving him.
My SS Says he wants to be an only kid and doesn't want to share attention with his siblings He has been very angry,cruel and difficult since his BM moved away 3 yrs ago. I love him and don't think he is mature enough to move away when the Judge never found his BM as a fit custodial parent.
Thank you for any feedback.
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stop, just stop... these are
stop, just stop...
these are not your children, they have a BM, regardless if you raised them for the past 100 years or not, blood is always thicker then water.
DH needs to handle this and tell SS, sorry kiddo courts said you live here, if BM wants to change it she needs to get money and go back to court, until then... you live here with my rules....
but me being me... I would sit SS down and make it clear to him, fine you can live with BM, but you will not return to this house again, once you've chosen a path you will walk on it, there's no turning back, you will have to live with your decision understood. Then ship him off to BM..... He will want to return after 3-6 months, DH can play hard ball then and say, sorry son, you choose this, now you have to live with the consequences, teach him for about another month or 2 before taking him back, making it clear in your house there will be rules to follow...
Thank you so kindly for your
Thank you so kindly for your post! I really feel the same ! Almost exactly word for word! His father has said also exactly what you've suggested! My heart breaks for my SK's and I think that time with their is detrimental to their lives in many ways! Just need to add I've never said anything bad about their mother, nor do I want to take her place! I have watched my SK's crumble to pieces everytime she has left them! I literally pray that she wants to spend time with them! She has gone years without seeing them, then they will be afraid to go visit! Their father and I...tell them what an amazing time they will have. Please understand they confide in me because of the years I've been consistently there for them!!! I believe that their BM owes it to them to spend time together! They saw their BM over a year ago and came home begging to never go there again for more than a week or 2! We explained that the cost involved for her was a lot and 4 weeks was an amazing chance to spend time with their family and make great memories!!......The children say the only reason they would go this year is to see their little brother..we tell them how important it is to go love their family..the reply we get is unanimous .. they say she doesn't take care of them and leaves them for extended periods of time, they say they don't feel safe.. I make their dad do the explaining on such a touchy subject,years of them being put to the side has effected their trust. I believe in our children's ability to care for themselves ! It's just so different, for instance we have always eaten dinner together( it's our thing) they say they feel like she wants them there to. Cleanand care for their BB! And that they were starving the whole time(she has never cooked for them) again we tell them that the y need to enjoy the time they have togetherreguardless..we send them with money, that they walk to a store to buy food! I maybe should have gone into a little more detail on my post( I felt a little stupid when you said stop stop stop) I feel their relationship is so important.. and I felt totally judged or perceived wrongly! My mother left me and my siblings regularly and it really caused a ton of emotional issues my sibling's in their 30's are still struggling with! I don't want to take her place, never have! I just promised them I would always be there for them! But I reiterate the importance of them seeing their mom as much as possible and loving her and their time together! ..I really am looking for perspective from anyone in a sinalar situation or with healthy ideas as you've given! Again thank you!
I've been there yes... BM
I've been there yes... BM rejecting her daughter, suddenly returned and within a 10 minute phone call to BM, after years of dead silence... I was told, you are not my mother get the eff out of our house, you do not belong here..
thus I disengaged there and then, it's been 5 years... I see the little bitch suffer but I do not care, she made the choice of treating me like pond scum, she will have to love with that for ever..
Thank you and no I don't
Thank you and no I don't punctuate as in my post in our lives! I just wanted to be as thorough as possible so that I received posts that could honestly help me do the correct thing as a stepparent and sorry I've never been that great with punctuations. I truly just want them to be happy and unfortunately sometimes I feel like their relationship with their mother is more important then she acts like it is! And my husband does do all of the dealing with their mother and speaking with the children. As I said in my previous post my siblings were all very traumatized and still are into their 30s due to my mother always leaving us! I know all I can do is care for them when I have them and be open-minded and try to give equal attention to all children. I'm just doing my best. And I'm sorry that it hurt your eyes I was just looking for some knowledge from somebody who's been through this before.
newbie - no where it's
}:) }:) newbie - no where it's written but we have the grammar police on this site.....
just hit space bar now and again... reads easier... I think Ghost flower is about 103 years old... bad eye sight...
Here is a thought... Tell the
Here is a thought... Tell the boy he can go live with mom for the SUMMER and at that point the decision can be re-evaluated.
Thank you, this site was not
Thank you, this site was not what I expected at all! People are pretty cruel. I needed an outside point of view And I feel like I'm getting slammed for my grammar and punctuation's instead of finding peace and some solace from others who've been through the same situation. people can be really harsh. Thank you for the positive feedback
hehehehehe we are not harsh
hehehehehe we are not harsh Hon..... neither cruel.... just been around the block longer then you,
we all feel like this for the first couple of posts... it's normal... we are not saying you are a bad woman or shit SM... read again tomorrow if you feel better....
and the grammar thing.... nothing you can do about it but laugh it off and post a evil face... they gave up on me...
my english sucks and my grammar as well lol
Hey I've been around the
Hey I've been around the block. Widowed at 26 with a baby and 8 yr old no life insurance
Worked my butt off to keep my house and my oldest is 20 next month in her 3rd yr of college.....and my baby almost 11 on a traveling fast pitch softball team.... she's a pitcher and in line to graduate 2 yrs early! I'm no little kid
Just wanted some onsite with hormonal SS!! Thanks for your posts
Hon not that block.... the
Hon not that block.... the living in step hell block...
here's poster who got out the first time and believe it or not, they went for seconds with younger skids....
ignore me lol, I'm bored
Well, this site can be a lot
Well, this site can be a lot of things, supportive, informative and funny. Unfortunately, it can also serve up a healthy dose of reality and and even a bit of meanness (usually justified).
Some people come here for company, others for answers and others just want everyone to validate THEIR point of view and agree with them. Other people fall into the misery loves company camp. Throw in a few trolls and that's Steptalk!
Try to not take things that are not meant personally, personal. Things like all caps or lack of paragraphs do make posts and responses easier to read. I'm not great at my grammar either, so I won't take it personally if I get dinged on it. lol.
You may find peace and solace and you may not, but hopefully you will get something useful from the discussions.
I've been there as well.
I've been there as well. Raised a SD whose mother left her alone with the BM's young boyfriend who molested her. Then when SD told her BM, the BM blamed the SD, never called the police and stopped all contact with her for years. I raised SD through all the hard stuff. I raised her with ZERO contact from BM.
All it took was one freaking phone call from BM for it to all go downhill. SD eventually ran away to be with BM. After years of back and forth between BM and XH/SM, she again cut BM out of her life. AND once again she is back in her life again and I have been totally cut out of her life. WHY?? For money. SD was in debt up to her eyeballs and BM paid off much of her debt. SD actually confessed that was the reason she was back in her life.
I haven't seen or heard from my SD in over two years now. I stopped trying to compete. Not my place and no longer my SD.
You are beating yourself up trying to find a way to stop a kid from being with his BM. It will never work. Even if you managed to find a way to make him stay, he will blame you and your DH for "keeping" him from his BM. No matter what, Blood comes first. They can be the worst parent in the world and the kid will always want a relationship with them.
Maybe start out by allowing him to go for the summer, if he still wants to be with BM after the entire summer then let him.
Wow that is some deep stuff!
Wow that is some deep stuff! I'm so sorry for the hell you've been through! Let me please straighten one thing out, I'm helping pay for all of my SK's to go see their BM this summer. I feel she owes it to them to spend atleast half of the summer with her children. She treats them like a bother after a day or 2. But she is their mom. And the kids want to see their little brother! I could use a break myself I can't remember the last time me and my hubby even went on a date. Sports, school activities ect.
4 kids all within 4 yrs of eachother is busy. My oldest is constantly calling me with drama too. Got to love them I would never want to go back to teenage years.
If he goes will turn into the
If he goes will turn into the caretaker role of not only the baby brother but also of his mother. This can set him on a path for the rest of his life. He will feel he can't let go because someone has to protect little tyke and he will feel it has to be him. So he will leave for reasons of wanting to be an "only child" and he will stay because he now has a sibling he feels he can't abandon. The other kids are similar enough in age to him and they are in a stable home he doesn't feel like that.
So tell your dh that is what his "ss should be happy" philosophy will buy him. A very real risk this boy will embark on a years long and maybe lifelong struggle with co-depedency and a de facto end to his own childhood.
Personally, I wouldn't let him go. I'd start saying things like, "If you want to see your mother, go ahead and tell her that. Ask her to come see you. I'm sure she'll be glad to pack up baby brother and come here and see all of you."
In other words, shift the "blame" to bm. Get him thinking about why is she the one making no effort, no expense?
Oh, also, stepmom surviving,
Oh, also, stepmom surviving, Steptalk is a bit of a minefield. At first you may step on a few. But after you stick around for awhile you will know your way around and will navigate rather easily. There is some good advice and feedback and support here. There is also some spectacular crankiness. If you need help surviving steplife, you will find you can more or less avoid the landmines here. If your steplife is not stressful, you may find ST is not worth it. Most of us here have pretty stressful steplives so we figure out how to get the best out of ST and minimize the worst.
I've been in your
I've been in your situation... TWICE. One SD I expected would leave. The other crushed me. Both as teens, almost 16 to be exact. The last SD that just left I'd raised with my husband since she was 3 years old. She rarely saw her mom. Then with her 4th DH, their mom had another kid - at 47, enticed her to come over more and it worked....
We got tired after so many lawsuits and let her go... I'm honestly still in therapy about it. Youngest SD doesn't even call us at all. Or my son that she grew up with. It sucks, but at some point biology takes over and no matter how shitty the parent, they want them. I texted her to tell her her dad was having major surgery. She didn't reply or call DH at all.... teenagers suck almost as much as blended families.
I don't know what to tell you. Support your DH and be there for him. That's really all you can do at this point but it does hurt. I'm SO SORRY for that!!!