Looks like the original post got scrubbed... I'll rephrase...

"Your husband's self worth is reflected in how well his son does, or appears to do in life..."

Hi Brick... I think you nailed it. The IF they were trying part. I lined up a VERY well paying job for my SS through my firm in exactly the area that he wants to build a career in. We're talking significant coin (3x minimum wage) and a really great firm on his resume. And, that's BEFORE he has a degree (that we paid for). He had to "think about it".

I shared with him that the job was his but he had to act fast (he would have been working for a dear friend of mine at the company). He waited 6 WEEKS and then was pissy when the job was no longer available.

Now it is mid-May and most (if not all) of the good summer jobs have been snapped up. Now, I'm pissy because we are paying for him to live over the summer (again he's 21!)

That being said... it could be worse... Dad could try to move him into our home which would be no big deal if he'd ever held any responsibility for helping out around the house, walking the dog, managing to get his dishes in the dishwasher rather than me having to gather them from his bedroom and and and... But, I imagine that part is coming. Stay tuned for when my husband tries to move him in here.

Thank you, sueu2... all valid points. No doubt, I have plenty of work to do on me.

I have taken guidance of many of the wise souls on this board. Our finances are now separate. Where the financial burden lies (and, yes, "1st world problems") is when we want to do something fun together (or goodness forbid... retire someday) I have to save up for both of us while the kid's had two overseas vacations in the last year while my husband is still heavily in debt (HE is in debt... I'm only attached to the mortgage and one car payment). That being said... it still makes me nuts when I get the mail and the kid's overdue bill's (largely medical... he goes to Urgent Care with a headache) arrive at our home.

On the "spoiled and rotten" step kids part, I'm a step kid (on both sides) and I have ZERO doubt that my step mother thought I was a raging b!tch as a kid. I never did anything as rotten as some of the stuff I've seen on here. I surely didn't like her (outside of the fact that she was boinking my Dad while Mom and Dad were still married and that took awhile to get over) but out of respect for my Dad I was at least polite.

The change that you describe is happening though it morphs day-by-day.

I guess my mind is more in the vein of if you decided to start parenting in the late teens (for whatever reason... your fault or not) with respect to saving for college, instilling integrity, teaching responsibility, the value of your word and and the consequences if you don't keep it and and and) the whole "launch" at 18yo or 21yo, etc. Does that even play anymore?

Or do you support them until the kid decides its convenient for kid to launch even if it means spending your golden years living in a trailer on SS?

Again, thank you sueu2, for your viewpoint.

Thanks, sueu2... I know I'm attached to his debt. I could pay it off in 90 days without much drama and I've done that twice. I just refuse to do it again. His credit cards are maxed and outside of his contributions to the home he doesn't have much left to "play with" and that includes paying on stuff for his kid.

Throwing money at my SS has scaled WAY back and I'm pleased with that.

What was new to me was the (likely) probability that despite the fact that the kid is 21 years old and his father (and I) have given him a fantastic launching pad (took him in full time when BM threw him out because he was a behavior problem, gave him a car, paying for school, room and board, etc. long after my husband and I agreed to when we got married (husband said he would be on his own at 18... NOT!)) is that if the kid isn't deemed a rock star his father (my husband) would be the failure rather than the kid just being entitled and lazy.

Truly trying to understand here... and I thank you for your guidance.

Hi trying... as far as I know he's getting good grades. I actually really like the kid now that he's grown up a bit. He's the first one to make comments on his father's short comings in the area of financial responsibility.

And, I agree. I would have absolutely NO problem with the kid living here if there were rules and responsibilities. Frankly, with DH driving 2 1/2+ per day I would love the help! The norm however has been wandering around in his boxes and a wife beater so... ummm... not so much when I'm working from home.

On the off-topic... the whole cheating this is technically "hearsay". My Mom says she saw it. My Dad says it never happened. Even if it "never happened" it's all about perception. I DO resent my Dad for allowing that perception to persist.

But, after a LOT of therapy I learned that holding on to that was hurting no one but me.

Hi somethingwicked... yes, you nailed it. Same Step Shrub.

You couldn't have said it more appropriately. G.U.I.L.T. And, you may be dead on that the kid's pissed at Daddy. I think Daddy made so many unreasonable promises over the years (not just to the kid) and he realizes that he can't depend on Dad to fulfill those promises.

Come to think of it, that's really got to be unsettling to the kid.

In other news, Disney Dad has been planning a boys hike for weeks if not months. He bought special gear (at reasonable prices for a change). Made all sorts of crazy arrangements.

Kid backed out last night (the night before). Good think my appointment at the spa today still stands. :o