Setting the record straight with the skids
How important do you think it is for your SO to set the skids straight when they are wrong?
Here are a couple of personal examples that come to mind and the "consequence" of not setting the record straight.
Example #1-
YSD is asking DH for $ for something school related and he tells her no and she says "Well you have no business helping Zero's son with anything."
Truth- DH doesn't help pay for anything when it comes to my BS. We split mutual bills but outside of that I pay for all the other stuff for my BS.
I think that DH should set the record straight because it breeds resentment. YSD is thinking that DH does all of this stuff for my BS but won't do it for her. I'm upset that she is bringing my BS into the argument at all.
Example #2-
OSD texting DH "Tell Zero to stop harassing my mom and sending her texts. She's been texting her."
Truth- BM a few days prior started texting DH about the fight that MSD and I had. She had a lot to say about me. So the ONLY time I send BM a text and tell her if she wants to talk shit about me, here's my number but to stop texting my husband. I in a very tactful way told BM to fuck off and she never texted back and I left it as that.
I felt like DH should have set the record straight and made it clear to OSD that BM initiated the abusive texts, Zero sent one text 3 days ago and hasn't sent anything since nor will be sending anything in the future. Instead DH not saying anything makes me look like I had in fact been doing this. This causes OSD to not like me even more (not that I care).
*****
Overall I think that by DH not setting the record straight on certain issues with skids/me that he has caused resentment and miscommunication. That he has the power to clear up the misunderstanding and he chooses not too. I know most men don't like to go into the details, so DH would prefer to just ignore and forget then actually address. And I know not every situation warrants a response or "clearing the air".
When I have addressed this in the past DH always says "They're fine." So if I'm like "DH I think a lot of the issues is the resentment because OSD thinks I did X,Y, Z or YSD thinks A, B,C" and he'll respond "They're fine."
So just curious as to what others think about this.
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Comments
My DH has a hard time setting
My DH has a hard time setting the record straight too.
He told me at the beginning of the school year that SD wanted to join choir and asked if I would "allow" it. That really upset me. She hasn't been "allowed" in the past because BM refused to do any driving to pick her up and DH couldn't because the program ended an hour before he got out of work. Had nothing to do evil stepmom. Did he set her straight. Nope
He also will say "ask stepmom" if they want something and he wants to say No but he won't say No to them. He makes me the bad guy. Record will never be straight on that one.
It still bothers me and will probably only get worse. Teenagers want a lot of stuff that we can't/won't provide.
Oh man. This. DH used to
Oh man. This.
DH used to pull the "ask TwoOfUs" card all the time, too. Hated it. Then, if I griped about it, he was all like: "I had YSD ask you...you could have said no!" Yeah. And been the bad guy who said no. Thanks a lot. I finally got him to the point where he understands and now says something more like: "Let ME check with TwoOfUs about OUR schedule/budget/plans and then I'll let you know what WE can do." Much different animal...that actually protects me and my role in the household.
DH did that a couple of times
DH did that a couple of times too... he has no problem making me look like the bad guy.
It seems more like he's a
It seems more like he's a lazy guy floating along on the river of life and he has no energy or motivation to change his course, but grumbles and complains about how life is happening to him and he's a victim.
^^^^ Yep!
It bothers me when DH lets
It bothers me when DH lets things like that slide, too. I feel like he's not standing up for me, and that's a big issue for me.
I'm at the point that I'll start to straighten things out on my own if DH doesn't do what I think he should. On the finances thing, I would have told my skids directly that what their dad and I do with money is none of their damned business. And on the ugly texts, I would have told them what happened if DH didn't. But I'm obnoxious like that.
One thing I've noticed is that DH and I struggle with the line between telling skids the truth and being nasty about their mother. Reasonable people err on the side of saying nothing bad about the other parent, even when it would be for the purpose of telling the truth. But out BM isn't reasonable, which means there's a lot of untrue that has to be straightened out with my skids.
I think a family meeting to clear the air would do you all well. They're hard to have, but totally worth it.
I have straightened things
I have straightened things out with the skids before and I do think it helped but it got kind of exhausting. And I felt like it shouldn't be my place to do this all the time. If DH didn't care and the skids didn't care (?) then why do I care.
Just another example of him
Just another example of him not wanting to make any kind of an effort. Not for his kids, not for you.
Denial ("they're fine") lets him get away with it and not think too much about it. Ignorance really can be bliss.
Yes, I think he should be setting them straight and it makes you wonder why he's okay with letting them think these things and hating you for what they think you've done (or whatever).
^^^Just what I was thinking!
^^^Just what I was thinking!
Agree with this. I am sure I
Agree with this.
I am sure I have brought this up to him before. Like why are you okay with us (me and skids) thinking X,Y, Z about each other when maybe that isn't exactly the truth.
I have always said when it comes to me, DH and the skids- if DH wasn't so lazy about everything and wanting to ignore everything things could have possibly been worked through and better.
In the first example, I would
In the first example, I would have a serious problem with a kid talking that way to a parent. I sure hope your SO handled that appropriately. I would have said something like "don't worry, kiddo. I handle my own." In fact, I HAVE said that exact thing to more than one of my skids before DH and I were married.
In the second situation, I wouldn't have responded to BM, but since you did, yeah, skid needs to know that her mom was shit talking you and you, as a grown ass woman, told her to take it to you. I would also tell that skid that since she is the child in this situation, once again, she should not speak to her dad that way.
I think your SO needs to have your back a LOT more than he does. I agree with you that his unwillingness to set some boundaries and clear the air breeds resentment. He absolutely has the power to clear up the misunderstandings and set the record straight - the question is, will he?
He did not handle
He did not handle appropriately. He ignored it like he always does. I wanted to say to her "Excuse I take care of my child on my own thank you very much!"
And the situation with OSD... again DH ignored it. But he did bring it to me like I had been spending my past few days harassing BM and it PISSED me off! He's like "Well you never should have texted her in the first place and this wouldn't be happening." I'm like "The ONE time...ONE TIME IN 5 years that I text her ONE TIME in response to her 20 texts about me being every cuss word and I just laid it out for her and told it like she is and then crickets... But I'm the one with the problem????
Agree... he doesn't have my back. BUT he thinks he does because he follows my "wishes" of not having the skids around. But if he had my back on everything else then it's possible that we wouldn't even be in that position to where the skids couldn't come over.
Ugh - I was afraid these were
Ugh - I was afraid these were going to be your answers.
Next time, I would just speak right up and say "excuse me, I take care of my child on my own, thankyaverahmuch!"
Guess you learned the lesson about texting BM, huh? Just. Don't. Do. It.
Oh No I am 100% okay with
Oh No I am 100% okay with texting BM. }:) She needed to be put in her place. She talks all this crap about me to DH and the moment I give her the floor to say that shit to me directly... crickets....
And I did it in a very tactful way too. Even ending the text with "I really wish that you and DH would learn to work together when it comes to the kids because you guys are just hurting them by not getting along." She was probably all kinds of confused.
What I really really wanted
What I really really wanted to say to YSD was "I'm not like your bum ass bitch mom who if she doesn't get her CS she can't keep her lights on or gas in her car. I work hard and don't depend on no one but myself to make sure my kid has what he needs."
First situation...i think
First situation...i think letting kid know that each of you is responsible for their own kids period is fine and should be cleared up.
2nd situation is a bit more complicated since you did text the bm. I might have said...well, you are only hearing one side of things
Good responses.
Good responses.
"they're fine"? what in the
"they're fine"? what in the ever-loving f*ck is that supposed to mean? even in his responses to you he won't even bother to address the actual problem!!! wow, just wow.
i know you said you've set them straight yourself in the past and it's exhausting. but i would keep on with it, in a non-exhausting way. it IS your problem because it affects you directly and your interactions with the kids - so keep it short and sweet, but speak up!!!
"Well you have no business helping Zero's son with anything." - response? "no worries kiddo, i cover my son all by my big-girl self."
"Tell Zero to stop harassing my mom and sending her texts. She's been texting her." - response? "not that it's any of your business, but i have texted your mother one time in five years. also, this is between two grown-ass women and is not your concern."
i am so glad my dh is a stickler for keeping the record straight. most often he'll use the gist of my second response.
Since I am getting this
Since I am getting this information 2nd hand and usually after the original correspondence I almost feel like it's stupid to set the record straight with the skids and especially now since I have little interaction with them.
In the past I would read DH's texts and find out what was said. I am trying to turn a new page and NOT read his texts so I do think that will help in not knowing what is said... but it still doesn't solve the original problem.
ah, i see your situation a
ah, i see your situation a bit differently now. tell your dh up front how you expect him to handle these types of situations one very last time, and advise him that if he does not handle things correctly then he is to keep you out of it COMPLETELY (and yes of course stop reading his texts). he will slip up a few times, just tell him "you KNOW how i feel about your failure to correct their misconceptions, and you KNOW i don't want to hear it." then change the subject.
THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^every word of what tuff said...
Oh goodness I do not remember
Oh goodness I do not remember being that starry eyed when we were getting married! LOL!
If you are married to a man
If you are married to a man like mine who finds all kinds of excuses as to why he will not correct his rude kids, you have one choice, and that is to disengage. HE gives you no other choice and you cannot blame them for what they know that are allowed to do to you. In my case, it is hopeless and, there are many others on this board, who unfortunately live with the same kind of woosie daddee.