Love / Hate Relationship with Skids? Anyone else?
Bored at work and just stalking and thinking over some upcoming life choices I'm going to have to make and it occurs to me.
I actually do love my skids on one level. I care about them and hope they do well and don't wish them any harm. I am generous with them and invest in their futures, and I am kind to them, for the most part, when they come around. And...on another level...if they were to mysteriously drop out of my life completely and forever and DH was to have amnesia about his kids as if they never existed (aka it didn't affect him negatively at all)...I would definitely feel relief and a sort of happiness. But then, when YSD had Cancer and we didn't know how it would turn out, I had deep fear and sadness about losing her.
How is it that you can genuinely care for someone but also be totally fine, and even happy, at the thought of never seeing or interacting with them again? I also love-love-love my family members and will feel a physical need to see them if I go too long without checking in. I don't ever feel that with my skids. The closest I come is a vague curiosity about how they're doing and a realization that it wouldn't annoy me too much to see them at this moment...which I usually jump on and invite them over or out with us when I'm feeling this way to make the most of it.
Anywho. Am I insane? Does anyone else have these weird, unresolved, conflicting emotions when it comes to your spouse's children? How do you deal with these feelings and maintain a strong marriage?
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Well, I love ss and "hate"
Well, I love ss and "hate" sd, does that count?
Our marriage is strong. I disengaged from SD (many fights later). He never asked me to do anything for her. We mutually came to an unspoken agreement we avoid talking about her in the way we used to. After a certain amount of marriage you both come to understand there are things your spouse is incapable of and others you just will never agree on. So you move on.
I don't love my skids. There
I don't love my skids. There are times when I cannot stand to be around them (and I will NEVER let DH know that). But I do care about them. DH loves his kids/skids. So... because I love DH, I want the skids to succeed.
Maybe this is where I am.
Maybe this is where I am. There are also times when I can barely tolerate being around the skids...and, like you, I wouldn't really ever tell my DH that in those words...but I do know how to make myself scarce. Maybe what I'm sensing as "love" is just a general care and hope that they do alright and that they have a good relationship with their dad.
It made a huge difference to
It made a huge difference to me when I realized I do NOT have to parent OR love the skids. If they fail because of the way they were raised, it is not my fault. DH knows I was a psych major and have insights into destructive behaviors and other issues, so he respects my opinion. Which I only give when HE brings up something.
I totally get this. I think
I totally get this.
I think it's because spending a lot of time with anyone, especially kids, will result in some sort of love/fondness, but the dynamics of step-families are so strange and unnatural that it's always in the back of your mind how much simpler things would be without them.
I really do care about my stepdaughter. She lives with us full-time and only sees her BM in the summer. She's been gone for about 2 weeks and after a few days, DH was saying he missed her and I honestly just said "hasn't been long enough for me to miss her yet!"
I've only just started wondering how she's doing, but I still wouldn't want the visit with BM to be cut short
I'm enjoying this time with my husband and all the quiet we have around the house!
I haven't found much trouble maintaining a strong marriage despite these feelings. I often fake more than I probably should, but DH also knows that I will never love his daughter the way he does and that really helps. I don't have to fake it, but I can take her out and try to do fun things with her and that makes him happy so why not?
It's definitely conflicting
It's definitely conflicting for me but I'm okay with that ambiguity. I genuinely care about DH's kids and hope that they lead happy, productive lives. At the same time, I enjoy not asking about skids, and get a gut sinking sensation when he brings them up.
I still have hope for DH and his relationship with skids, but I no longer initiate or facilitate any of it.
Yes...this! Why do I get
Yes...this!
Why do I get this visceral reaction when DH starts trying to talk skids with me. It's like everything in me rebels against it.
At the same time...I get along fine with them. I actually enjoy them a bit when my husband isn't around. It's when he's there, too, that it's tough for me.
I completely relate to this.
I completely relate to this. My feelings about SD9 when she's away are like this- "The closest I come is a vague curiosity about how [she's] doing and a realization that it wouldn't annoy me too much to see [her] at this moment".
There is this (good read, btw) book on parenting called "All Joy and No Fun" that I read while pregnant with my first child, all about the ways parenting has gotten out of control, helicoptered itself into a place where parents are perpetually stressed out, and by trying to make their kids' childhoods magical moms have made themselves miserable. I'd been a stepmom for about one year when I read the book. Parts of it I could relate to and parts of me kept thinking, "WHAT JOY??? Will there be joy??? Oooh I hope so!"
So now, the way I think about stepmothering is, "All Obligation and No Joy."
This role is something I've chosen out of love for my DH. I have some love for this child who lives in my home 50%, about as much as I would have, I believe, for any innocent being who I shared so many experiences with and am responsible for at times, and feel obligated to protect. But she brings me no pleasure, and she will never be the sunshine in my life. I literally derive no joy from this role whatsoever. Sometimes having her here is fun. At best I don't feel dread I feel when I know she's coming home.
My own two children bring me these things in abundance. There's no comparison and as much as I've wrestled with it, and tried to force myself to manufacture more love for her, I don't think it will ever change.
That's funny because not long
That's funny because not long ago I told DH that I don't understand the "Joy" part of parenting. Where is it? He agreed. I don't have bio chidren so maybe it would be different, but my DH agreed that he doesn't get any Joy from his children.
I don't have bio kids myself
I don't have bio kids myself and my H has adult daughters (22, 27) (I have only been in the picture 3 years, he was divorced 9 years prior to meeting me. Anyway, I wonder if that's a "man thing?" The no joy part? Because my H says the same. He's not as close to his kids as the BM, but not for his lack of trying. Just lately he has disengaged from his own kids to protect himself, really. They don't have any time for him at all, they talk to mom daily, text her daily but dad? Nope. Not so much. he reaches out but gets tired of always being the one reaching and has started to pull back. They are adults now making their own choices, he doesn't "have to" keep reaching.
As far as how I feel for my SDs, I like them enough. I love the stepgrandkids but we don't get to see them much and won't play much of a role in their lives. I have come to accept that. It is what it is.
I love being married to my husband, he and I are a team. The rest of the world can suck it. lol Sorry if that came out bitter -- just sick of extended family crap. Family really is the first to hurt ya everytime. We do our own thing, motorcycle, camp, travel. Life is good.
That is really sad Ninji that
That is really sad Ninji that your DH doesn't get any joy from his own kids.
I agree. I'm sure when they
I agree. I'm sure when they were little it was different. But SS is really really had to be around, let alone enjoy being around and SD has become a hermit. Doesn't want to hang out any more. Just sit in her room on the computer or if she is doing something with us, she is on her phone.
Ha! I kept reading things in
Ha! I kept reading things in there that I thought my DH could benefit from, but he wasn't too interested in hearing them (guilty daddy issues)!
I think I read it because I was terrified I'd dislike parenting as much as I disliked step-parenting. Thank God for a pleasant surprise there. (:
To be clear...I don't wish
To be clear...I don't wish they would disappear. I've just thought...what if DH suddenly didn't have kids and didn't remember he'd ever had them? I have to be honest that it would be a huge, huge relief. If he remembered or something bad actually happened to them...I would feel grief as well as deep concern for DH, who does love and get a lot of joy from his children.
To me, even though everything else about our marriage is pretty solid and good...it's so hard to have this one area where we are so diametrically opposed.
That's funny because I have a
That's funny because I have a reoccurring day dream where DH forgets he has children and we move far far away.
I love my skids. I'm not sure I really like the person that SS is becoming but I will do everything I can for him. Which includes actually parent.
I think I would be ok with never seeing them again, but there are times that I actually want them around. As crazy as that sounds. Like when we moved into our new house. DH and I moved in a few days before we had them for the weekend. I was just as excited as DH to get them from BM and bring them to our new home.
Really, If I could change things, I would turn BM into an actual mother and not just someone who gave birth and gets a check. And I would turn SS into a "normal" kid.
I understand what you mean by
I understand what you mean by times when you actually want them around. For me it is pretty rare, but there are times we will have something planned and I will genuinely be excited for their reaction.
There are also times when I
There are also times when I want the skids around.
Your moving dream is awesome. I have often had the same kind of dream...just getting away from all the skid and extended family nonsense. Many times, when DH has been discouraged about his business and in a bit of despair, he's daydreamed about just the two of us hitting the road and starting over in some remote place where we don't know anyone. I always have the "what about skids?" question in the back of my mind when he does this...but I don't bring them up because he doesn't...and it's nice to be on the same page. I do believe that there is part of him that is looking forward to them "aging out" as much as I am. Just the other day he mentioned that our dog (who is 15) will likely pass away around the same time that CS stops...and then we'll be free to go and to travel as much as we want. Not that we're looking forward to losing our puppy, who is curled at my feet as I type right now. lol.
The thing is...we travel and do things together all the time as it is...now. But it's that overarching sense that we can't really pick up and go or move somewhere far away if we wanted to...because kids. I think the lifting of that obligation will feel good for both of us.
I have occasional "moments"
I have occasional "moments" of love for the skids when they are with us. It will hit me at random times. Not sure how else to describe how I feel.
By and large, I don't care to see them or wonder about them when they are at BM's. I certainly don't worry about them like a mother would, although I express faux concern at times just to be nice.
I also have moments of resentment for them that mimics hate (derived from BM usually) during those times I have to leave/be alone and cool off.
In the exact same boat.
In the exact same boat. That's a great way to describe it. Sometimes I'll look at YSD and think...I've been an adult figure to her for over half her life now. Or I'll have a memory of something fun we did when she was younger or something funny she said and it will make me smile.
And then the next moment I'll feel a gut-level disgust about the skids.
I rarely have moments of good feeling and love for SS, a bit more frequently for YSD, and really never for OSD, who was horrid every moment she was with us for the first 5 years of my marriage until she refused to come over any more. The fact that she's grown into a decent and pretty nice young woman, to me, can't erase 5 years of abuse toward DH and me. When she's around, I am actually pretty much totally neutral and flat toward her. I never have twinges of love or hate...she's just there. Ironically, it's the other two who I go back and forth on.
Good question about love. I
Good question about love. I care about my SDs, I don't know if I'd call it love as I met them as adults. I care a lot about my SGD, she treats me as real grandma . I am not sure about calling it love though. I get along with them and OSD treats me very well (YSD lives very far so we do not see her as much). I think I wouldn't care as much about them if they treated me and DH bad. They make stupid demands of their dad sometimes though. But I can't imagine "loving" th if they treated me or their dad like crap.
I love my DD, my niece and nephews, I don't know if it's necessarily because they are "blood", one of my nephews is adopted and not as a young child so it's not "blood". I don't feel the same about sds, but I care about them great deal
This is a good point. I also
This is a good point. I also have a niece and 5 nephews who I absolutely adore and want to see as much as possible. The oldest nephew actually isn't blood...he's my sister's skid who they have had full time since DSS showed up on their doorstep with a mangy, underfed 5-year-old and told her husband he had a surprise kid from a high school relationship. My sister had already had her first baby, my niece, at this point...so it was very, very hard for her. However, they fought for full custody and won.
Now, we all think of him as blood. Part of it is how sweet and good he is. Not just well-behaved but actually kind and good-hearted, especially to his little brother, who is my favorite and also a bit of a hand full. Oldest nephew is 11 and kid brother is almost 4, and he can just work magic with that little kid and get him to do anything. Younger nephew just idolizes him in every way and it's so sweet to see.
I will say...it took a while for me to warm up to him fully. Partly because I saw what the situation was doing to my sister...and, having my own skid feelings...I totally got it. Partly because it felt like, after just 1 year, this poor little kid took the "first niece/grandkid" joy away from my family. I always felt for the poor kid because he was 5 and couldn't recite the alphabet or tie his own shoes from neglect...and I worried for him. But as he was properly parented and his real personality started to come through (early on, he was way too eager to please everyone, especially his dad, in a way that was both obnoxious and incredibly heartbreaking) it definitely grew into love.
I can relate to a lot of what
I can relate to a lot of what is being said here. I care about my SD7 and I certainly don't want any harm to come to her, but so often my feelings about her are colored by the things that BM does that it all becomes very difficult to separate. What I can say is that my BD9 and SD7 are very close and the relationship that the two of them share makes me happy.
"It's a thin line... between
"It's a thin line... between love and hate. It's a thin liiiiine..."
I am on the same page: Love my SS17 and hate some of his attitude & behaviors. All at once! Only want the best for him & spent our 1st few years together trying to be Ultimate enough to "fix" all that BM broke or stunted or retarded in him through her NPD raging Ultimate "B" BM ways (no chance of being confused with "mothering.") Then I got resentful & all about protecting myself, then found StepTalk sanity of finding out it's not just me & I'm not a failure because of SS17's decisions & behavior. It remains tough for me, constant inner conflict from loving an addict (pot) who acts poorly by virtue of his BM's training & world view (= "It's all about me" Energy-Vampire).
I do not have a love/hate
I do not have a love/hate relationship with Aergia....
I have nothing with her, she's just another human on earth breathing oxygen.....