Advice and Pep talk for SS's Birthday--with all of BM's family
Ok as steps we have those "those events" that we want to be at for the sake of the kid, cause they asked, but you know you would rather nail your tongue to a table and pour salt on the wound than show up. The 22nd is SS's 7th bday. We are going of course, BM actually made a point to say to DH that "she"(meaning me) could come. The first part will be for the kids at a laser tag place.. then we are all going to BM's house for cake and presents. DH's family does not live around here so it will pretty much be just DH and I with the following:
1. BM (obviously)
2. BM's sister.. who from what I hear is more psycho than BM (how is that even possible?) and who also hates me
3. BM's Dad (who openly tries to hit on me and I cannot convey the level of "shoot me" on that one)
4. BM's boyfriend- who incidentally used to work with my DH and knew the two when they were married so needless to say they are each other's least fav person
5. BM's various friends
So basically my friends we are walking into the snake pit here. SS went out of his way to make sure I said I was going to be there (thanks kid, no pressure) so I want to be there for him since I said I would. But short of downing some shots and snorting xanax before we hea dover, I cannot think of how this is gonna go down. Now, sure I may be just being negative and everyone will be cordial and polite for the kids and the party will go fine and DH and I leave unscathed. But for some reason I have this sinking feeling this is going to be an absolute sh*tshow. Any advice out there for times when you all had to do the blended family/co parenting forced family fun?
Also any advice for if BM or BM's sister take a trip to crazy town while we are there...
Thanks ya'll!
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Comments
Contract a 24 hour bug and
Contract a 24 hour bug and don't go.
Unfortunately I also have DH
Unfortunately I also have DH begging me not to make him go to the den of despair by himself either so not going isn't really an option--I already tried.
Agree. Just because the kid
Agree. Just because the kid asked doesn't mean you HAVE to go. Do your own birthday celebration with skid.
My thoughts exactly but BM I
My thoughts exactly but BM I think is being petty for us taking the kids on two family vacations and will taking the kids for a week and a half and he is coming back from a two week field training the day of the party so he will not have seen the kids for a good bit before nor will after. Also I think cause BM has made such a big deal about the party to SS he wants everyone there.
Ss won't really care if you
Ss won't really care if you don't turn up. He is going to be the center of attention and have lots of fun even if you are not there. Your husband is his own man. If he wants to go then he can, but that does not oblige you to hold husband's hand while he is there. His monkey, his circus.
I went to ONE skid birthday
I went to ONE skid birthday party for each of them... SS was turning 8, I believe, and the party was at BM2's boyfriend's apartment. The only people I knew were DH, SS and MIL. It was annoying AF to watch BM2 put on her little show, like she was MOTY, talking all sickly sweet and stupid. I wanted to play some of her voicemail messages on speaker, where she sounded like the Devil on crack, swearing like a dirty sailor. Thankfully we only stayed a very short time, then left and never went to another one after that.
I actually HOSTED SD's 10th birthday party at my barn.... UGH. It was awful! the whole BM1 clan was there and they are so trashy and annoying. The best part though was when I was giving the kids horse rides and BM1 wanted to ride. UGH, what am I going to say? so she hopped up and SD wanted to lead her. I handed her the lead rope, which she proceeded to jerk on, which made the horse rear up on his hind legs. BM1 was screaming and somehow managed to stay on but it was freaking hilarious! And I swear to you, this particular horse is my top notch show horse. He has been there, done that, won that and NOTHING scares him ... except BM1 lmao.
And that was the end of joint birthday parties for us. No need to subject ourselves to that kind of torture ever again.
Sorry, no advice because we
Sorry, no advice because we absolutely would not do this.
My SD is 26, she was 5 when DH and I got together, and we did not attend one single event that was at BM's and family.
Some can do it and that's great, but in some cases, the level of tension and anxiety (and the possible drama) just does not make for a happy gathering.
I mean maybe this will show
I mean maybe this will show that although in theory it works--the tension and what not is not worth it. So heres to hoping it will be my last!
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your feedback! I really appreciate it!
Dh and BM are divorced. No
Dh and BM are divorced. No need for them to socialize any more.
This is one of the benefits as a COD, you get to have 2 parties. Dh simply needs to tell SS, sorry kiddo but we will not be there. Mum and i are divorced, it means we do not do fun things together anymore, but say what... when you visit us we can have another party and celebrate your birthday again.
Can you go to the laser tag
Can you go to the laser tag and not the after party? I would never go to a party at BM's house. Over the years DH and I got invited to a couple parties at BM's house and we never went (and one of the invites was, "I talked to [Mr. BM] and he said it would be ok if you and Just J came to the party," ...gee thanks! Your loser DH deemed us worthy to come to your house, um, no).
We always just celebrated with the kids ourselves. I've never felt the need to make myself that uncomfortable, and being at BM's house with all her family and friends would feel like a lion's den, no thanks. We didn't get along with BM at all so it would be a day of fake niceness and extreme discomfort, and completely unnecessary. And I wasnt, under any circumstance, going to bring my children to her house. My DS was a newborn when SS graduated high school and we were invited to his grad party at her house. Big. Fat. Nope! As an adult I decided a long time ago that I don't do things I don't want to do if I don't have to, and no stepkids ever died because his or her parent and stepparent didn't show up at a party.
Well the way I see it I will
Well the way I see it I will either post a drunken follow up saying the apocalypse was adverted.. or I will be posting from the county jail asking for bail money to be paypaled to me! Either or!
Oh I can put surprising
Oh I can put surprising amount of force behind a spork if need be. Everything is a deadly weapon with the right amount of imagination! }:)
Whichever tube top will
Whichever tube top will accentuate my clear stipper heels.. a girls gotta match after all.
That tube top needs to be
That tube top needs to be see-thru when worn.
Unfortunately I don't have
Unfortunately I don't have any word tats... I can always draw the chinese symbol for "homewrecker" on the left top of my boob before going with a sharpie. Can someone look up that translation for me? bahahhahahah
Ugh. BioHo also refers to me
Ugh. BioHo also refers to me as 'SHE'. Obviously, I have no name and no place (no 'Aniki' or 'your wife').
* Wear something that makes you FEEL fabulous. Nothing fancy, but jean/capris/shorts that you KNOW are flattering.
* Take time with your hair and makeup to look great, but casual. If I rush, I sweat and my hair looks like I ran it through a snow blower.
* You and DH agree to stick together. Don't leave your swimming buddy alone in shark-infested party waters. Tinkle before you go - even if that means stopping at the gas station 2 minutes from laser tag and/or BM's house.
* Agree on an exit strategy. How long will you stay at BM's house? How long will you stay after presents are opened or cake is served (whichever comes first).
* Decide on a code phrase to say when you've had enough or the situation has become intolerable.
Good luck! I do NOT envy you.
These are great points thanks
These are great points thanks a bunch! And you better bet your a$$ I will be spending a full 2 hours getting ready that day lol
Start thinking now about what
Start thinking now about what your DH is going to have to do to make this up to you. He's going to really owe you for putting up with this monstrosity.
Im making him an IOU book for
Im making him an IOU book for me to use at my discretion lol
All ideas are welcome--make
All ideas are welcome--make them good!!
Man, I feel for you
Man, I feel for you here.
Last year BM planned a similar party for SD, and told her all about how it was a joint party without first consulting DH. So lovely to use the kids wanting things to be "normal" between everyone as a way to set the stage for drama.
In my case, the SD invited my daughter and a friend to join, BM completely ignored mine and her friend, even to the point of buying snacks and drinks for the other seven kids, specifically excluding the two of them. So classy, excluding children. The BM had planned it all out--out of town trip to pizza, a bounce emporium, then a slumber party for seven girls at my house. The BM and I are not on speaking terms cause she is a narcissist and I refuse to engage on other than a "hello" level. The costs were to be split between the two of them. As you can imagine, she beefed the costs, insisted the costs involving my kid and her friend be excluded (even though SD asked them to come). As a result, my DH drew a line in the sand and told BM there would be no more joint celebrations going forward.
I agree with the folks who say have a clear exit strategy, I also agree with the notion of not attending the second part of the event at the BM's house. The most important thing is that the DH makes an appearance at some part of the party, doesn't have to be the part in the drama trap, because the last thing you want is for the SS to witness adult bad behavior at his birthday party. SS is too young to understand the why's and what for's and witnessing a WWF throw down between BM and you or DH would be more traumatic to SS than hearing them all talk shit about you at their house. Joint celebrations only work when both ex's truly have the interests of the child ahead of their own at all times.
I don't either. There is
I don't either. There is absolutely ZERO reason to play big, happy family to kids of divorce. You're not fooling anyone, just confusing the kids, and adding new SO's to the mix just makes it uncomfortable and awkward.
i think aniki and rosalu so
i think aniki and rosalu so far have given the best responses.
it can be done, and done peacefully. dh has never co-hosted a birthday or holiday thing w/ dumb@$$, however we have been to plenty of events w/ her mom (g-ma, who is more of a mom to those kids than anyone) and it runs smoothly, we even sit together and chat cordially. it was really awkward the first few times, granted, but now it's just like "whatever, it's all good."
it may be so weird for bm and you/dh that she never suggests it again, or if she's not bat$#!t crazy and you follow aniki and rosalu's advice, it may go just fine.
Thank you, Tuff. I tried to
Thank you, Tuff. I tried to bring up points that Rosalu did not so I think we have a good combination of what to do (I feel smart today!).
The ONE time I went a skid event where BioHo was in attendance, I'm certain it was more hell for her than it was for me.
'Ho wore a horribly unflattering, skintight outfit with her hair yanked back in a tight schoolmarm bun and no makeup.
I wore a knee-length, nicely cut dress and short-sleeved sweater with my hair down and wavy, and subtle makeup.
'Ho was loud and embarrassed SD in front of her professors and classmates.
I was quiet and polite and let SD have her moment.
'Ho kept trying to draw my DH into inappropriate (and loud) conversations. DH refused to be pulled in.
I was quiet and polite and let SD have her moment.
These events are supposed to be for the skids. Inevitably, there will be at least one time where the stepparent has to come in contact with the bio. My plan is to look my best, be nice and polite (and helpful, if needed), grin and bear it (I can drink later!), and let the craptastic bioparents sh!t rings around themselves.