Everyone that is close to us hurts us eventually in some way or other. I bet even your mom has hurt you at times. You have to decide if this relationship is worth it with the full knowledge that for 5 years minimum you will be his fun on the side and that living together may or may not happen after that 5 year period.

If someone you loved asked one thing of you after their death, would you find it in your heart to do that for them? I bet you would. I don't think this means your SO loves his deceased wife "more". In fact I think it speaks volumes to the kind of person that he is... trustworthy, respectful and thoughtful.

The only way I see you getting hurt in this, is if you push this man to make a decision that he is not comfortable with, because down the road he WILL resent you for it. IF you truly love him and want to be with him, living apart for the next 5 years is a small price to pay for 40 more years of happiness.

Cutter - be happy about this, be very very happy....

I use to live with SO.... for 4 years, then his daughter moved in.. she was 12.5 at the time... she moved out again year later and returned again 6 months later... I moved out of our house,

girls can be very sweet and good till age 13-15, then they turn into evil monsters, I think the day they have sex they think they are your peer and all hell breaks loos... I've been living apart from my SO now for 5 years. we still see each other most of the time, but 3 nights a week I take off, to do my own thing at my own clean house...

Simply move closer to him or what ever, but keep your own place, you will thank me in 4 years time

Trust your gut (and your mom). This was a very unreasonable request by the wife! And my guess is that the children know of this horrid little promise, so he won't go against it. How very sad, for a person to not want their partner to move on if they die. And for his wife to assume that every woman that isn't her is going to be awful like her stepmother is just ridiculous. I can't imagine holding my DH hostage like that from beyond the grave, that is just manipulative and controlling.

This man is not truly available to you. Your soulmate would want to marry you, not just date you indefinitely until his children launch (which for some kids takes well into their 20s these days. I have a 27 year old SS living with me so trust me, I know). I feel sad for you, because I do think you will end up hurt, or waiting and waiting like a sucker, and wasting your life on a guy who might as well still be married.

I personally think that this type of death promise that the dying person extorts is just stupid. It would be one thing if the dying person expressed their preferences, But to demand something like that is truly emotional blackmail. Who is going to say no to a dying loved one no matter how absurd the request.

But my opinion means nothing to your BF. He sounds very committed to keeping that promise. My advice is to cut off the relationship totally. No phone calls, texts, etc. it will not be easy. But you can stop loving anyone. Let him see what life is like without you. If he's ok with that then he's not the man for you anyway.

That is a very far fetched unrealistic promise that I would never ask anyone to keep. She wants her former husband to never move on. What if the kids don't move out? How old must they be before he waits? What if they move out and he still has you and his entire living life on hold...for a dead woman.

Sorry but he's more faithful to the deceased than he is to the love he has, in flesh and blood, right in front of him. In essence, he is still married to his late wife. What a horrible thing to ask of him, to never move on based on the horribly incorrect assumption that every step mom is like the one his late wife had. This is just madness.

There are many many many Toms in the world. Ones who will love you, complete you, make you feel all giggly and squishy inside...and won't still be faithful to a previous (dead) lover. This guy is not available and NOT The One.

You have to accept that you cannot compete with a dead woman. You have been with him for 7 months and he was with her for decades. If you keep this comparing up, you will be miserable.

Like Anotherstep2, I was widowed when my kids were very young.... and yes, my first DH made some requests of me but I'll honestly say this wasn't one of them.

You said he had known his wife since they were young, and knew her stepmom. Maybe... (and I'm just thinking out loud here) he's not just honoring her request (which I think in my own pointy little head was a selfish request), but carries the fears/stories/nightmares of her "evil stepmom" around and wants to protect his kids from the same fate his wife grew up with? I'm not saying that's how YOU would be; maybe his experiences has led him to believe that every step-parent situation is as ugly as the one his first wife came from. It's hard to say.

7 months into a relationship, many people are still on their 'best' behavior. In another 7 months, you and Tom may find that you each have habits with are completely unacceptable to the other.

This is nothing wrong with Tom not wanting you to spend the night while his children are there. It's only been 7 months. Immediately after they split, my DH's ex had a steady parade of men moving in and out of her house and the skids were all subjected to her noisy, screaming sexfests. I am the ONLY woman DH ever brought around the skids since their divorce. Because of this, the respect have zero respect for their mother and tons of respect for DH.

I have no judgment on whether or not Tom respecting his deceased wife's wishes are unfair or not. HOWEVER, is it possible that this is Tom's EXCUSE to keep your relationship from moving too fast?

Slow down, stop rushing, and go with the flow. Time is your friend.

lol.

If this story is true then this guy might be making dead wife promises up so he doesn't have to commit. I dated a guy who made up stories how his parents are nasty people and they aren't ready for him to bring me to family events. Turned out they were nice people who were asking him to bring me over for months. Liar.

If this guy really wanted a commitment he'd go for it

You will get hurt. He has already made it clear that not only does his kids come before you, but also a request of a dead woman. You are already trying to compete with a martyr, stop setting yourself up for disappointment and go date an unmarried man (dead or not, he is acting as if he is still married to her). Being alone and dating is better than wasting five years, atleast, on a pipe dream that he might be ready to start his life with you by retirement. If it is meant to be then he will find you again once his kids move out or he will come find you when he comes to his senses about that ridiculous promise.

This man is telling you exactly what he wants. You either accept it and wait, or you move on. However, I suspect if you keep nagging him about it, he will end things.

Although I think it's completely ridiculous to ask your spouse to make a promise like that, I agree with the poster above that said what if you were the wife? I think it's honorable that he is keeping the promise, not even for his dead wife, but for his kids.

However, I have picked SO a couple choices if I die. One just recently got divorced and I said, "Oh great, now you're going to leave me!" We just laughed. I have also told him about a couple mutual friends that he should probably steer clear of because *crazy.* He said he would never date any of them anyway, living with BM's crazy for several years was enough. SO is kind of naive when it comes to women, though.

If a man really wants you, nothing will stop him. That's the bottom line.

This man had 3 minor kids and has only known you for 7 months. Even without the promise, as a parent he would have to be nuts to even think about marrying someone he hardly knows.

He's a father, so he has to think how his choices will impact his children.

Disney Fan is correct

So is Livingoutloud.

OP please tell us why your 12 years boys dad is "OUT OF THE PICTURE" as in he offers no support? I will assume you did not tell him you were pregnant because you wanted to raise your child without a dad, correct?

Next is I will guess you want TOM to adopt your son---right?

I have lost a few very VERY close girlfriends to Cancer. They were married with kids too. They did not tell their husbands to NOT find love and happiness, matter of fact just the opposite. They wanted them to move on.

Maybe TOM is not so charming,,,maybe that was his way to cut sling load on your relationship in the most gentle way he could think of....Blame someone else than tell the truth.????

Your duty is to your son. It is a darn shame dad is not in the picture..... :?

Good point fruity. He doesn't want to be married and doesn't matter why, he just doesn't. Time to make a decision, cutter.

You have gotten so much good advice from other posters. But, I just wanted to add one more thing. You are 36. You can't have the future you want with this man until his kids leave the nest. Realistically, that could be anywhere from 5-10 years from now. Think about the next ten years. Can you live like this for 10 years? You will be 46 and your chances for more children will be drastically reduced. Do you really want to wait around and risk losing what you want? It may not be Tom who ends up resentful. Meeting the right man at the wrong time means that he is the wrong man. I don't see how this scenario can end in any other way than one of you being unhappy and having to give up what you want.

It sadly sounds like Tom is just not that into you. Read the book or watch the movie.
Slow it down and take time to think what you want for your life.

I dated a guy for ten months who professed he loved me and wanted to spend so much time with me...until the day that he broke up with me. Turns out he met someone else and that was it. It was devastating, yet it really was the best thing that could have happened for me. I ignored all the red flags for this guy.

When I met my DH our relationship moved pretty quickly. But it was mutual. We were both at a place to know what we wanted. We were both looking for a long term relationship.

The five nights or so a month that you spend together, is that enough for you? Or do you want a partner who is there everyday? As much as you love the idea of being in love with Tom...is that enough for you? Maybe you will decide not to have more kids, maybe a pet or future grandkids will fill that spot in your heart. Are you willing to put your daily life on hold waiting for his kids to grow up? Or do you and Tom live fully in the moments now? Are you at his beck and call around the schedule of his kids? Or do you plan outings that he participates in by making arrangements for his kids? Is it all about him?

If he was really that into you don't you think he would be more open to finding a way to make sure you stay in his life as an equity partner in a relationship.

There is a saying...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Perhaps an old fashioned saying but tends to run true.

Seven months is a short time...but it is also a long time. What matters is how long are you willing to wait for what you want for your life?

Relationships are scary. We have to be wary of the ones who are rushing into commitments and we have to be Leary of the ones who want to put our dreams on hold for their own agenda. Healthy relationships are ones where growth and dreams for everyone can be worked for together.

Are you going to get hurt? Absolutely

The chances of the kids accepting a marriage are small. They know that their "sainted" mom didn't want them to have a stepmom. They won't want you as a stepmom no matter how old they are.

It doesn't matter if you wait until they are all grown and successfully launched. The wishes of the deceased mom are paramount.

If you get married, when the children reject you, he will have guilt from not following his deceased wife's wishes. It will wreck your marriage.

Are you going to get hurt? Absolutely if you continue this relationship.

It's an old excuse that men use when they just aren't into a woman and want to continue just casually dating: "my kids", "my ex", " my job", "my health". All excuses. As soon as he meets "the one" he'll marry her just fine regardless what late wife wanted etc.