8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1......

And then do you know what happens?! I AM LEAVING IN MY RV FOR GREENER PASTURES. Maybe the grasss won't be greener but the travel will certainly be a welcome change. But you know what? I guarantee the grass will be greener, because no matter what happens with DH, I will be over 2,000 miles away from BM and skids and DH's parents! Talk about disengagement!

Unless DH and I dissolve completely, I know I will still have to tolerate BM's yelling and demands, DH's inadequacy etc. But somehow, looking out at the ocean with a mojito in my hand...I bet I could give a rip about BM...skids definitely will not be able to visit anywhere near me. This also MAKES DH have to leave to go see the skids. Honestly, I will have NOTHING to do with it anymore. DH can't afford to travel with me cause he hasn't worked in 2 years. He'll have to steal from his dad to pay for his life and CS. BUT AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH IT ANYMORE! He resents me and blames me anyway for not raising his children for him...so if I am in trouble anyway, I might as well get into big trouble.

It's too bad, I would have liked to have been able to give the skids some great opportunities they will never have now. I just can't change DH. I can't make him a responsible adult or a good parent. I can't make him honest or not an addict.
I CAN however, get away from the gas lighting liar he is.

As you have read, I am financially and otherwise separate of him. I will keep it that way.
You know what I told him last month? 'If you want to stay together and have any kind of future, you are going to have to catch up.' I told him when he could actually match my assets and demonstrate responsibility, we could discuss setting up some kind of retirement account or buying a house together. (None of this will ever actually happen. His track record is pathetic.)

It's a hard pill to swallow, but every time I hit the interstate by myself, I fantasize about just keeping driving and disappearing.

I have been in this mess for over 4 years and it was 4 years too long. I should have walked away the moment I heard 'kids'. The moment I found out he was an addict, I should have walked. I will never make those mistakes again.

This has been such a long and miserable process for me and to sum it up, I tried with the skids...really hard. Then I learned disengagement. Then DH's verbal abuse started and his addictions became worse. I should have known he was destined to repeat his past relationships with me. He certainly did and he did an immeasurable amount of damage to my life, my home and my self-esteem.

I regret the damage this will do to the skids. It's not their fault. They were ok and they're just kids. It's sad because they love me and in many ways they need me. IT'S NOT THEM I AM RUNNING FROM. I confused hating them because I actually hated DH. This is step-life and the harsh reality is that I will not see those kids ever again. They have another loss to survive. As they grow into adult men, they will understand and be able to see that DH, their dad, treats women so poorly and treats himself so poorly. It's all regrettable.

As I take a right-hand turn out of my driveway; away from my cute home I so optimistically bought 13 years ago, it's the end of a nightmare. It's all in the rearview mirror. I am safe again. No more terrorizing or yelling. No more spousal neglect. No more being stuck in my bedroom and losing the essence of me. A huge weight lifts. Tears flow---and then relief comes.

Happy trails to you.