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I never see dh

Gentry's picture

Submitted by Gentry on Wed, 08/09/2017 - 7:04am

In May I had to move out of dhs house and across town. The area dh lives in is not the best and the final straw was my son getting jumped at school. I moved my kiddos to a better area of town and they are thriving. Dh then changed custody of his kids from eoweekend to eoweek. He didn't feel he had to discuss this with me because we didn't live together. I can kinda see his point but then I don't because it limits the time we can see each other. My complaint is dh and I see each other on Saturdays/Sundays and that is it. With kids in both households having activities we just can't find time to see each other.I miss him and it makes me angry that this is what has become of my marriage. I asked him about us moving inbetween where we each live now and he says it's to far from his kids and he is refusing to compromise. I'm not sure how much longer I am willing to tolerate this.

Comments

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 08/09/2017 - 7:10am

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine trying to do what's best for two sets of kids, especially when one party doesn't want to compromise at all.

I don't blame you at all for wanting to get your kids out of a bad area, I don't blame your husband for wanting to be close to his kids. How far away from his kids would "in between" be?

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 08/09/2017 - 8:26am

Thirty minutes is not really that far, we have always lived at least 30 minutes from my SD but DH had EOWE, not EOW. Now that your husband has every other week, he is probably not willing to give it up and go back to weekends.

You made a decision based on what you thought was best for your kids but these decisions spiral into other decisions (your husband going to EOW) and the situation can easily morph into something you never expected. It's a form of tunnel vision, you saw what you wanted to do for your kids but you did not see how that was going to affect anything else, namely, your marriage.

If you both want the marriage to work, the two of you need to communicate, brainstorm, and figure something out.

Gentry's picture

Submitted by Gentry on Wed, 08/09/2017 - 7:56am

I am willing to compromise so that we can be together and I would like him to also. I don't think that is asking to much? Each of us move 30 minutes toward the other so that we can have a marriage.

Gunner's picture

Submitted by Gunner on Wed, 08/09/2017 - 8:03am

If he moves 30 minutes towards you is that closer to his work? If so, to take his kids to school that is and hour trip for him. Half hour to school then half hour back and that doesn't take into consideration traffic. Does he live near bm so that he sees his kids on his off days? Are they close enough to ride their bikes to both houses? Can he still attend his children's activities? It is more than living near your kids for a father. I want to be involved as much with my children as you are with yours so I understand and agree with his logic.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 08/09/2017 - 7:40am

I truly think this is something you will just have to deal with until the kids age out. (Or you divorce)

I do not blame your DH at all. How would you like it if he asked you to move away from your kids? I bet you would not do it either. He sounds like a good dad and I am sure that is what you probably liked about him in the first place.

This can work. I get that you miss your DH but you both have kids to raise and that is top priority. (I know a few people disagree with this but that is my opinion).
I did it for years with my DH. (we were not married though). We lived apart/did not marry, for 6-7 years. And it worked out great. We have been married for about 8 years now. Maybe look at it like this…your weekends will mean so much more since that is when you see him.

Gentry's picture

Submitted by Gentry on Wed, 08/09/2017 - 7:58am

We don't always see each other though. Last month we saw each other once due to our work schedules and kid schedules. If we each move 30 minutes toward each other that would work for both of us. He is still close enough to see his kids, my kids are in an okay district and we get to be together.

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Wed, 08/09/2017 - 2:28pm

I think you are both chose your minor kids. And it's commendable. It's the right thing to do. Now you have a choice. To stay together toughing it out or divorce. I'd personally wouldn't even marry while DD was young because I didn't want to be in that position.

Indigo's picture

Submitted by Indigo on Thu, 08/10/2017 - 4:11am

Sorry to say it sounds as if all that is missing is the Divorce Decree. Not saying that as a good or bad thing, more as that it sounds like a relationship disengagement thing.

Perhaps you were love-blind & didn't realize where you would be living or how other relationships could impact your own. You woke up one day, DH refused to move so you made a different choice. If your children are now thriving -- celebrate it.

What appears telling is that just after your leaving, DH moves to completely maximize his time with his children. Now he has even less time for you & is unwilling to modify his life. You've drawn multiple lines in the sand & DH is respecting them. One parameter was that he has to drive to/near you to visit -- no repriocity.

Aside: as you know, SO & I live in seperate towns ~ 1 1/2 hours apart. It can be a PIA w/running small businesses, raising kids/gkids & caring for dying family members --- BUT we do it. We prioritize our time. In general, we even have sex 2-3x/week (we're old). It works for us over the last few years. (Thanks to DtzyBlnd, Sueu2, Echo & tons of others.)

Seeing each other ONCE in 31 days? Yikes. NO EXCUSE AT ALL. Neither of you seem to want to make this marriage work, IMHO.

I'm not certain what advice I can offer besides lunch dates with long skirts & no undies ... Wink