Dreading the weekend
My SSs are on their way to our house and I'm already filled with a sense of dread.
They are not terrible kids, but they are immature and entitled. They are in middle school, yet if they ask to do something and you tell them no or "not today" they ask at least five or six more times. One of the also has regular crying, screaming temper tantrums and has to call his mother twice a day, leading to an endless stream of texts from her about all the things this child wants but "doesn't feel comfortable" asking us for.
DH is also a Disneyland Dad, so every weekend is spend, spend, spend. Money is tight for us and DH insisted we buy a house we can barely afford. Not to mention the fact that as I mentioned in my last post, BM is constantly asking for more money. If I ever suggest that the two of us go out when they are not around, he reminds me how we need to save money, but when they're here, money is no object. When they are not around and I ask him to do something with me, even something that does not cost money, he'll tell me he's "tired" and needs to rest.
DH also acts like an immature jerk when they are around. When I ask him to help with fixing dinner or with cleaning up, he just sits there and says "I'm tired" like a teenager. He also uses their being here as an excuse to get every fast food treat he's been wanting. I had a set rule with the kids that they could pick one treat each on Friday that was expected to last them the entire weekend. As soon as I got them on board with that, then DH steps in and buys a ton of junk food on Saturday. He's also snapped at me a couple of times in front of the children, because he "assumed" I was saying something to criticize his child, when I wasn't. Typically after he's snapped at me, I remind him what exactly it is that I've said and he'll reply by saying "oh, I agree with that."
I become the maid or the concierge when they are here. DH tells me that he doesn't expect me to clean their rooms or wash their clothes when they are here, but he doesn't do it. I just went in and put sheets on one child's bed because although I placed the newly laundered sheets, mattress pad, blanket, and coverlet on top of the mattress, DH hasn't gone in, in the intervening two weeks to put them on the bed. That bed wasn't made because that child (also in middle school) wet the bed twice the last time he was with us and guess who washed and remade the bed on Saturday and then washed the sheets again on Sunday...oh yes, I did, because I didn't want our house to smell like pee.
Also, DH insists that we behave "as a family", so I have to participate in any and all activities. If I don't, I'm just being mean or trying to avoid his kids.
I was childless by choice before I met him. Sometimes, I really question my decision to take on this role.
Sometimes, I also wonder if DH really wanted to have a wife or if he just wanted someone to make him feel like he had a complete family.
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You need to stop. Disengage.
You need to stop. Disengage. Don't cook, don't do their laundry. Separate finances. It's doable. You sound like me way back a couple years ago. No more. I stopped doing. Read my blogs. Make your DH accountable.
Wow! I read some of your
Wow! I read some of your blogs and they do sound like my life. I laughed out loud at some of them and also definitely took note of your approach.
I already do some of the things you do - for example, I put any toys or other items left out in a storage closet (never once has anyone asked where any missing things is, leading me to believe we should stop buying things), I also don't get involved in bedtime routines or wash clothes that are not put in the hamper. If they don't want to brush their teeth, I don't care and if they ask me why they don't have any clean socks, I tell them that socks on the floor do not end up in the wash.
I'm going to have to put some of your other strategies to use, though. For example, the leaving with or without others. Even to get DH to leave on time to take them home, I have to start moving them out the door 30 minutes before it is time to leave. Inevitably, after they've left they have to come back to get something that was forgotten. I have done this because I hate the special text tone he has for BM ringing out when she sends him angry texts that he was late and that was so inconsiderate. Her tone is a T Rex roar and hearing it raises my blood pressure every time. I think going forward, I'm just going to let him be late and make him turn off the sound on his phone on Sunday nights. I'm also not going to be responsible anymore for making sure the kids take home whatever they brought. Even when I do neatly pack up the car with all that they need they either b) leave something in the car even though they have been staring at it the whole ride home or b) misplace it as soon as they get home leading BM to send angry texts that we've been keeping the children's things at our house on purpose (only to get a text an hour later saying they found whatever was missing in her pig sty of a house).
Good, that's a start. Do that
Good, that's a start.
Do that plan.
Next step is to not help with their leaving at all.
I do get it, and disengaging for me wasn't 100% overnight but more gradual. And still continues to be as SDs grow older and DH either takes over or leaves things.
Stick with it and keep posting for advice here. It may be hard to take sometimes but it's usually right.
YES JESUS! This is the
YES JESUS! This is the answer!
Go to the search box at the
Go to the search box at the top left of the page and enter "disengage." You will find lots of posts about the method.
Basically you quit doing anything for the skids. If they ask you something, refer them to their Dad. Close your eyes to any messes, including dirty laundry and unmade beds.
If you don't want to participate in an activity - don't. Ignore DH and his accusations. Do something for yourself while they are gone - or just stay home and enjoy the quiet.
And DH just came home and
And DH just came home and said "I knew you were in a bad mood because things weren't done in the kitchen." I asked him "what things?" since all my "things" are put away, his "things" are the "things" that are still out and on the floor.
I used to make the common areas spick and span before my SSs arrived each week, hoping that seeing a clean house would inspire them to do the minimal things I require while they are here (dirty clothes in the hamper, dirty dishes in the sink, trash in the trash bin), but that never happens, so I think I'll just wait until after they leave to clean.
i did the same-- made sure
i did the same-- made sure everything was prepped before they came--nice and clean. Absolutely pointless. The Girhippo is a total slob with no rules and still BFFs the skids to this day. Has convinced herself and the skids that she is moty.
I just waited until I saw the backs of their heads pulling out of the driveway to start cleaning and burning sage.
I did the same too. Skids
I did the same too. Skids don't care and frankly, my own H doesn't either so I get to be the nagging SM/ wife control freak.
Exactly my life back from
Exactly my life back from '04-'09
Read this: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging-male.html
"Her tone is a T Rex roar"
"Her tone is a T Rex roar"
Well at least there's hope for your DH,
-- in my case Chef was so honouring and reverent of the Girhippo as "the mother of his children" (TM) that he flipped when I gave a funny tone for her calls on his phone (air raid sound). Told me I wasn't being respectful! :sick: :jawdrop:
When he was going through his
When he was going through his divorce, he changed her ring town to the Imperial March from Star Wars (aka Darth Vader's theme), but he had to change it after his kids (7 years old at the time), kept asking him "why is that playing on your phone, Dad?" and then figured out that was his ringtone for her mother.
After their last mediation, he got her to include a clause saying that they only speak on the phone in emergencies, so he doesn't need a special ring tone for her anymore.
Your DH is also immature and
Your DH is also immature and entitled in the way he treats you. Don't put up with it - I wouldn't want a relationship on the terms you describe.
Effe that noise. I got a
Effe that noise. I got a divorce over this crap and worse. Tell your controlling, passive aggressive a-hole of a spouse to shut up. They are his kids so let him have at it. Don't make beds or anything. Let the kid sleep in pee. You're being used.
I agree with disengagement,
I agree with disengagement, but here's another bit of advice:
Don't be afraid to upset your DH over something related to his responsibilities. If you don't do for him and tell him why, he has two choices: improve in his areas of responsibility, or just get more insufferable.
If they improve, excellent.
If they don't improve, you know how much they respect you and your family. Then it helps you decide if it is worth it or not.
Love only goes so far in a relationship. You have to be willing to leave when things are broken beyond repair for your own self-worth. I'm not saying you are at the point where you should leave; I'm saying don't be afraid to see how you're truly respected by your spouse. The worst thing that will happen is that your fears that they don't respect you are proven true, and that knowledge is powerful in helping you make decisions for your future.
Very good post,
Very good post, lieutenant_dad
In order for you to survive
In order for you to survive in this relationship you need to start to speak up and quit being taken advantage of. No one else is going to do it for you. You have a voice use it. If you feel that you are rocking the boat so what. Your husband will get angry but why let this guy do this to you. The more you speak up for yourself the better you will feel.
Wow, I am so happy I found
Wow, I am so happy I found this because I am literally going crazy in my head. I have two children of my own, girl8 and boy7. I met my husband about six years ago and he also has a son, now aged 6 (he was only a few months when we met). My husband's bm has always tried to make his life a living hell when it came to their son. She established parenting time when their child was very young and we found out the only reason she went to court in the first place was because she was influenced by her boyfriend to do so. Her boyfriend and my husband went to school together and its clear there is some serious hate going on. Anyway, I was used to having my ss7 every other weekend and I really never had any issues with the kid. Recently, my husbands ex broke up with her boyfriend and now she feels the need to give my husband time with their son whenever he likes. She also made it clear that now because she is single, she is going to need more help from our end. EOW turned quickly into every single day and its driving me crazy. I don't want to sound horrible but I really don't want to watch their son all the time. He's been here basically all summer and I'm starting to resent him for it. He is up at the crack of dawn, really picky about meals and overall, just extra work for me. I dot think I should have to watch him while my husband is at work. I think my ss mom needs to make other arrangements until my husband is here to care for him, because at this point, I want nothing to do with him. Everything from his messiness, the way he chews and even his voice send me up a wall. My husband has started picking up on my vibes and questioned why I'm always a grump while his son is here. I simply explained that I feel he and his bm make arrangements without talking to me about it and I always get stuck with an EXTRA child I don't necessarily feel I need to watch. He doesn't quite seem to get it. Yesterday I caught my ss yelling at my son in a really condescending way so I yelled at him about it. My husband comes stomping in from the livingroom and scolds me on yelling at "his son" that way. I just couldn't take it anymore, I hid away for the rest of the day in my daughter's room. My husband also asked me where I was going to sleep last night. When I asked him why, he said, "I'm not sleeping with you, you disgust me". Am I losing my damn mind or what? I'm ALLOWED to care for my ss ALL DAY while my husband is at work but yet I'm not able to correct him when he is acting like a damn bully? I'm very resentful of the both of them and at the end of the day this is MY house. I need serious advice because I'm really debating whether or not I need to be in this kind of position.
It's called 'responsibility
It's called 'responsibility without authority' and will grind you down.
I found reading here and getting tips about disengaging very helpful along with reading "Stepmonster." You're not crazy but in a crazy-making situation.
Now, about telling you, 'You disgust me' that's unacceptable in any situation. If he tells you things like that he's simply not respecting you as a person and would make me question the relationship.
Also, DH insists that we
Also, DH insists that we behave "as a family", so I have to participate in any and all activities. If I don't, I'm just being mean or trying to avoid his kids.
Be more assertive for your OWN NEEDS. It was his choice to have children, he does NOT have the right to insist you do anything you are a grown ass woman. You were not there at conception and do NOT have an obligation to cook, clean, or otherwise care for HIS kids if he's treating you this way. DISENGAGE and let him deal with his monsters. So what if he thinks you are "trying to avoid his kids" tell him you ARE because you are disrespected.