I called it!
Too many years of adult status by DH and being stifled by BM(think 10 pm curfew for an 17 year old who has already graduated high school and has an associates degree. Also not being allowed to get a second ear lobe piercing). I knew after SD18 (as of a few days ago) turned 18, she and her mother were going to butt heads big time! The first thing she did that day was get a tattoo and a cartilage piercing.
She has announced that she’s moving in with her boyfriend this weekend. Her mother (per her) is threatening to cut her off financially (as she should if SD18 thinks she’s old enough to “play house”) and DH is upset. They both brought this on. BM by not giving SD18 any freedom at all and him by giving her no responsibilities and adult status for the last 5 years. I called it that she would be out of that house by Christmas, but I thought she’d either want to come live with us or would move into a campus apartment with a friend.
As to the boyfriend, he is in college (her age), but I don’t think he has his own place. I think they are getting one together. I didn’t ask too many questions after DH got off the phone because I was afraid I would slip an “I told you do” in there accidently! Boyfriend was supposed to go to a major college some distance away, but I don’t see that happening now. He gave her a “promise” ring several months ago, but DH never noticed- I asked her about it but she was pretty vague. I suspect his parents have money as he has a pretty nice car. She’s very materialistic, just like her mother. It should be interesting considering she only has a part time job as a hostess (and she was complaining that her hours were being cut- probably because she’s been taking too many weekends off to be with boyfriend) and she’s going to school full time.
Bet within 3 to 6 months she’s knocked up. DH asked her about birth control this weekend and she said her mother hasn’t talked to her at all about it (moron!!) and that she didn’t want to talk to him about it. Hey dummy. You don't give her that choice. But, why should he change tactics now? :O
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If the happy couple are
If the happy couple are anything like OSS (will be 21 in a few days and who accidentally emancipated himself shortly after 19) they will be living with BF's parents. OSS lives with his GF at GF's parents. I hope your area is an "emancipation at 18" state as far as CS goes!!
It is, but like your "D"H,
It is, but like your "D"H, mine has been too lazy to bother contacting a lawyer yet. At least if I know him, after having to write a full support check once or twice, he'll be motivated.
To be honest, I agree with
To be honest, I agree with mom's stance. "you are an adult? Ok.. go ahead.. Adult"
I believe that while some parents use this power to enforce their own morality on their kids that they are entitled to do so as long as said child is on their payroll.
You want to be free to express your own independence..that applies to paying rent too.
I certainly support BM in
I certainly support BM in this stance. You want to "play house", go for it. My commentary was mostly on how both parents created this situation. This is SD18's first boyfriend, so if/when things fall apart, what will happen? I don't think either parent has thought about that, considering neither of them saw this coming.
The girl is smart enough to
The girl is smart enough to graduate high school early and she has a college degree already. Surely she is smart enough to avoid pregnancy. If and when they break up? That's part of growing up, too. I wish my skids were as smart and independent.
She's been so sheltered that
She's been so sheltered that she's really not familiar with the real world. Her parents have done almost everything for her and not really let her experience failure. And she didn't graduate high school early, she just was able to take college classes concurrently with her high school ones. She is book smart, yes, but common sense, not so much. And financially, not at all. I'm in the finance world and the way she talks, she's not at all realistic about independent living. I think she'd probably end up with us before she'd be willing to go back to BM's.
I think a lot of parents have
I think a lot of parents have been the creators of their kids' problems. They either shelter or don't shelter enough.. every kid is different. However, I can't imagine that if the girl did attend school (not home schooled) that she has some awareness of how you get pregnant.
She's aware of how it
She's aware of how it happens, but she's also the type to think "it won't happen to me". I really feel sorry that her parents have done this to her. I'd be thrilled if she proves me wrong, but it hasn't happened yet and I've been with DH for almost 10 years.
I won't do any of that, but I
I won't do any of that, but I can't guarantee the same of DH. He's the one that desperately needs her to need him to come to the rescue.
Not a popular opinion, I'm
Not a popular opinion, I'm sure, but let the young lady go out and make her own mistakes. She's 18yrs old, young enough to survive whatever mistake she may make. I'm sure at 18 she doesn't need Mom or Dad telling her all about birth control (no way she made it through health class in school without being informed, unless she attended a religious or private school, perhaps).
The worst that likely will happen is she will find out is life isn't full of roses and sunshine. Bills have to be paid and if they aren't phones are shut off, tummies go hungry and the guy she thought was so wonderful is maybe really a jerk who would rather worry about having fun on Friday nights instead of buying a couch to sit his buns on.
She's pick herself up, brush herself off and move on. Plenty of time to still go to college and begin again. I read nothing that said she's into drugs or that getting in trouble is her second 'career'. She'll be ok.
She'll winder what the heck happened when has no health insurance, tries getting all dolled up for 'date night' only to find there is no cash for the date, and that envelope laying on the counter is her car payment statement and the other one her vehicle insurance bill.
Yeah, life will set in real soon. The 'man' she thought she was in love with farts, spits toothpaste all over the sink and sprinkles the toilet seat. Besides all that , he doesn't make enough money, won't help clean the house and he made her cry.
The little 'I am eighteen , an adult and you can't tell me what to do nor stop me' honeymoon will wear off. There are worse things than having lobe and cartilage piercings and sacking up with a guy.
Don't hand her cash nor bail her out of her financial hardship woes , let her learn her own lessons, but do keep the welcome mat out and the knowledge that when she's had enough she can reboot and start over.
And no, it's not the hope and dreams all parents have for their children. I realize that. No one wants to see their kid standing out on the ledge ready to fall off. But sometimes, that's just what a parent has to let their children do.
My 2 cents
I think your opinion is right
I think your opinion is right on. And if I had any say, I would do everything you say. I did with my own kids. The problem is that I know her and I know her parents. They won't let her fail. Daddy will hand her cash he doesn't have or mommy will let her to move back home so she can control her again. Everyone seems to think that just moving out means launched. No, being able to support yourself means launched.
this is what my DH did with
this is what my DH did with ASS when he announced he was leaving the house the day after he graduated from high school. ASS thought he had it all figured out.
Took ASS all of three months to realize that life is hard with a minimum wage job that doesn't even allow you to rent an apartment. He got his ASS in college so fast
I hate ASS and so I have nothing to do with him. I let my DH handle it all, and you should, too.
I have no opinion when DH tells me what ASS is up to in college, or what they did when he takes BabyVoice and KarateKid to go visit.
You seem a little too invested here - step back and let her parents handle her - or not handle her.
Not your problem...
Only invested because I
Only invested because I predicted this would happen and I fear that if everything falls apart, he will let her move in. Even that wouldn't be a problem, while she's in school, if I thought he would have some expectation of responsibility around the house. Your DH understood that. Mine is still her buddy.
so, this is a husband problem
so, this is a husband problem and not a skid problem.
Boooo on your DH
Yeah, I've known that for a
Yeah, I've known that for a long time. He was always afraid to hold either of them responsible for anything because he gave them to power to choose to come for visitation and BM actively worked against him. I have no doubt where the real issue is.
Everyone seems to think that
Everyone seems to think that just moving out means launched. No, being able to support yourself means launched.
So true. My SD thinks she is independent because she lives in "her own" apartment. She's not independent, she is completely subsidized by the government. She does not work, not even a little.
You seem upset this girl has
You seem upset this girl has it so together. Did yours launch late?
No, mine launched on time.
No, mine launched on time. What I'm saying is that she is moving out without any kind of plan (per her father) and that she'll expect us to bail her out as she has in the past. Now, it'll just cost more and that will affect me, especially if daddy lets her move in. Even that wouldn't be a problem while she's in school if I thought daddy would make her take on some responsibility around the house. I'm not upset and as I've said above, I hope she proves me wrong. I just have no reason to expect that.
IMHO it seems like you're
IMHO it seems like you're trying to jump hurdles before you even give the kid a chance to get to them. You can sit all day and try to predict what this kid will do but at the end of the day even if you don't agree with what she does everyone has the right to find their own way. Why does she need to prove you wrong or right? Did you have a step mom vying for you to fail when you where her age? If she gets pregnant too early for your taste then the world isn't over, life will go on, you seem set to judge ahead of anything even happening. Plenty of kids move out with out any plans, sh*t half of the step moms on this board wish their steps would move out with a plan or no plan. I'd just be happy the kid is gone.
Is it so wrong of me to see a
Is it so wrong of me to see a kid not being provided with basic life skills? For years, I've watched her be treated years younger than she was. Not being allowed to do normal things her friends doing were like going out with friends, getting a second ear piercing, coloring her hair... things a teen should be allowed to do without having to move in with a guy she's known for 6 months. Into an apartment that she's not on the lease (as I have just found out). I've seen too many kids of other helicopter parents who went out and went in such an opposite direction that it had long term ramifications.
I guess my biggest mistake here was not pushing the fact that I tried to tell her father this years ago, now he's upset that she's doing this without even talking to him, and I'm having to deal with his attitude. Not that I'm rooting against her in any way.
My DD doesn't color her hair
My DD doesn't color her hair or have multiple piercings. She's 17 but I don't consider those normal teenage things.
The kind of piercing I'm
The kind of piercing I'm talking about is a second hole in her ear lobe. Her mother threatened to kick her out if she did it before she was 18 even though her father, who had joint legal custody, said she could. If it was a lip, eyebrow, or nose, he would understand her position. But not just a second ear lobe hole.
Most young girls have more
Most young girls have more than one ear piercing on the ear. It is a teenage thing.