I've read something similar. I agree that the default should be 50/50 with no support changing hands and then negotiations can happen to move away from that default, if necessary.

Regardless of whether or not the custodial parent is mom or dad, that parent holds all the power in a primary custody situation.

Also, child support makes parenting about money. There's no incentive to cooperate or work together when you are divorced and the non-custodial parent being required to pay on exacerbates that situation, especially since the parent receiving the money is not required to account for where that money goes.

My DH pays his child support - which was determined using the state required formula - but still gets constant demands for money from BM because she thinks the amount he pays is "too low". Before I met him, she never provided any documentation about what that money was for. DH is happy to provide for his children, but he'd much rather pay for services for the kids directly than pay BM. He also wants to be part of the decision-making process for any expenses that are incurred.

I agree that children need to be provided for and I understand that some parents will not provide unless they are forced, but the current system of requiring one parent to pay - even to pay for expenses for the other parent, not the children - and throwing them in jail if they don't, only serves to perpetuate post-divorce conflict.

Kind of off topic but please remember that there are many reasons why a ncp may do only every other weekend.

In our case BM was literally jeprodizing my partners ability to work due to her bahvior. There was also risk of him losing his home.

He move in with me about an hour away to stop the craziness that was negatively impacting his children. No it's not optimal at all but my partner did what he felt was best.

This distance means BM can't interfere directly with his life OR his time with the children. It's stop alot of her bullshit.

So because of this distance SO currently gets only every other weekend which is sad because he's tried to get then every weekend. She refuses and instead leaves them with her sick mother who has been on deaths door multiple times this year. I'm not exaggerating on that. She ends up going to the ER by ambulance atleast every other month but still BM won't let him have the extra time while she works all weekend.

Now my partner wants full custody of the children but the courts still don't respect that he could be the better parent. They ignore all of her negative behavior and feel things are just fine only allowing him to have every other weekend.

Does he get to support the kids fully with this arrangement no but it's the best he can do for the time being.

He does the best he can with what he has.

I just want to include this. Again I know it's off topic but my partner struggled knowing he can't do what he feels he should because our system is broken and BM wpuld rather he be dead then allow him to have a GOOD relationship with his children.

If he still lived there she'd be causing more problems and 50/50 would not be going smoothly. The only hope my partner has in helping to support them better is to become the primary parent.

I don't think this is unusual. I feel many parents struggle with this.

Thank you.

Dontfeedthetrolls.

A court order for visitation is to be used as a guideline....guideline only. Custodial parent 'should' be flexible and provide more time when non custodial asks for it.

Document this last situation and if you can think of others document them too inside a calendar. BM should watch her p's and q's because more and more judges are removing moms from the gate keeper role and handing kids over to dad.

Keep asking...and document. Then go back into court and request more time SINCE mom is refusing.

Judges do not like this stuff.

For some reason this topic reminded me of a case of my friend's friend.

We are in NJ, and the BM was mostly a SAHM. I don't remember her job before the kids, but I believe she was well paid and worked possibly in the medical field. One of her children was high-functioning autistic, so I think that was the reasoning for her to stay home with the kids. The BF worked in NYC, was very involved with the kids and didn't want to divorce. The BM met up with an old boyfriend and just announced she wanted a divorce. In their CO, since the bio dad was the main earner, they included a clause that BM would have to live within a certain distance of bio dad, no matter where his job was. He took a job in San Francisco, so they all moved. Oddly too, he was also CP and the kids lived with him, while the BM lived in an apartment with her boyfriend a few miles away. I remember thinking the whole thing was so odd, that she agreed to live within a short distance even though she only had the kids EOWe.

Being that NJ is such a pro BM state, this case sticks out in my memory. I'm guessing this was only able to happen because BM was obsessed with her old/new boyfriend and was willing to mostly let go of the kids. It was so out of character after having met her a number of times, but I was glad the biodad got exactly what he wanted in it since he was so hurt by BM. (He was very sweet, and he showed amazing backbone going through this divorce. He had already forgiven BM years earlier for another affair and begged her to come back.)

My Dh has SS majority of the time and opted out of child support. There’s an unwritten agreement that if Bm wants a say in an activity then she has to pay her half. If she doesn’t pay half (like preschool) then she doesn’t get any of the tickets/jerseys/trophies.

That's me and ex-h.

50/50, no child support.

That's a great idea for the men (and women) who actually parent 50/50. My ex-H and the ex-BM are ordered to pay support, but don't. Ex-H hasn't seen his kids in almost 2 years due him not wanting to be involved, he is $16,000 behind in support, and has disappeared. BM only sees SD15 during the summer and alternating Christmas/Spring Break. She hasn't paid support since May.