When older stepkid PAS the younger ones
What do you do when the older kid PAS the younger ones against you? This is happening to my sister and her dh. His kids are 11,9 and 8. All boys. Bm got a divorce from baby daddy #2 and they are still acting like a family by having parties together and sitting together at activities. They are spouting off that they love their kids enough to put them first and they are saying it in front of my sisters stepkids and now the oldest is asking why her and dh don't love them enough to put them first. It has completely eroded the realtionship between the oldest and her dh where the oldest is mad at her dh and tells him he doesn't understand why dh won't love him enough. He has convinced his brothers of this and now all the visits are weird. The kids have lots of activities and such and when they get there they leave my sister and her dh to go to where bm and their ex stepdad are. If they see my sister and her husband they invite them to sit with mom and when they are told no they pout and it take 2 or 3 visits to get back to normal and then they have another activity and it starts over. Her dh has punished the 11 yr old for saying dh doesn't love them enough and he has tried to talk to the younger kids without oss but nothing works. They did 4 months of counseling and nothing they said got through to the kids because bm and her ex dh are still doing activities together and the kids don't see why dh and my sister won't.
This weekend her dh threw a party at Chuck E Cheese for the 8 yr old and NONE of the kids showed up because they had gone to his first party with bm the week before and her dh thought some may come but they didn't. While we were all there bm and her new guy and exstepdad and his girlfriend came with bm's and exstepdads kid to celebrate with yss. They weren't invited or welcome but they hung around anyway even after my dh (on behalf of my sister and her dh) told them to leave. They said they loved the kids enough to put them first and we should grow up and oldest ss said see dad, SEE! Then he grabbed his mom and walked her to the party table. My sister and her dh just walked away so that they wouldn't cause a scene while that crowd sat around enjoying a party my sister and her dh had paid for.
Do you have any advice for my sister and her dh?
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Other then more therapy and
Other then more therapy and being honest with the kids about why DH doesn't want to sit with BM there's not much you can do.
Other than simple dislike is there a reason for not sitting with BM at ball games?
I know for some families this is a huge issue because adults can't play nice.
BM and I don't exactly get along BUT we can stand next to each other without fighting when need be for the best of the children. Which is what the children are asking for here.
If it's not possible then that's ok but DH needs to clearly explain why.
Also do not punish the child for saying that DH doesn't love him enough. Unless the child is becoming disrespectful at which point it's fine to have consequences for that but do not punish them for expressing how they feel. How they express themselves can be controlled. It's not ok to scream, yell, curse, ect. Teach the child the appropriate way to express themselves and engage in discussion. Don't just send them away because you don't like what they say.
Her bm cheated on her dh and
Her bm cheated on her dh and the exdh is the guy she cheated with. Bm took the kids and left her dh for him. Bm like to pretend to be the perfect woman and it drives my sister nuts because she is a whore who can't close her legs. Divorce number 2 is because her bm cheated n the man she cheated on her dh with. My sister refuses to have anything to do with bm.
Ok then DH can blame his new
Ok then DH can blame his new wife. "Sorry kids. I refuse to sit with your mom because SO doesn't like how she treated me."
My point still stands. Either tell the kids why or just do it. Yes he doesn't need to say the above. "Hey kids it's great that BM and new ex get along that well but the thing is me and her just don't. We both love you very much though and want to support you. I just don't feel comfortable being around your mom because we just don't get along."
After that you have two approaches. When the kids ask tell them no and leave it at that or try to reason with them and relate it to something they can understand. "Hey you know that kid that picks on you? What if you had to sit next to them?"
Periodically, one of my SSs
Periodically, one of my SSs will say to DH "you hate my mom, so you must hate me." This is because BM is always telling the kids, "your dad hates me." "Your dad won't do that because he hates me." "Your dad doesn't take my calls because he hates me." DH will simply say, "I don't hate your mom, she and I just don't get along right now, and our relationship has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I will always love you." It might help that even though his kids are in middle school, DH is always hugging them and telling them how much he loves them when they are with us. It's hard for BM to tell the kids "your dad doesn't love you", when he spends so much time during visitation weekends trying to snuggle with them and singing about how much he loves them.
So, my advice would be that your DH should just try to offer the kids evidence that he does love them, even if it's not the evidence that BM is saying must be there. It's complicated and especially if the BM in your case is the CP, then it can be a struggle, but my advice to DH has always been to just focus on his relationship with his boys and try to ignore BM's antics.
We had this from SD then 16.
We had this from SD then 16. SS was 11. She had decided to go live with BM (no rules, boundaries etc and BM had PAS'd her against us) and was supposed to come to us eowe. Didn't last long. Before she actually moved out she was already going into SS11's room and whispering about us and how he should also come to live with 'mama' - it's so much better there etc.
But SS had been watching and learning for a long time, he already had begun to see what her game was. She was horrible to him when they were at her mothers for eowe and he had no intention of going to live there.
I have no advice for your situation though
Apart from what Strugglingsm said. Just speak the truth and hope that they see sense.
The kids now have two very
The kids now have two very different views of life post-divorce, and they have determined which one they prefer. Your sister and her husband can continue to dig their heels in, but they will likely lose.
Yes, BM and her ex are being obnoxious about it, but the kids are obviously struggling with the obvious dislike of their mom.
And really? Dad invited the kid's friends to a 2nd birthday party?
More important is that they
More important is that they shouldn't be punished for this. Sure they may not being doing best way but the thing is that they are kids. You guys are the adults. You need to teach them not just punish them. They need to talk and you guys need to listen. Sure it sucks to hear "You hate me" but no matter what family you have a teen is going to say it.
If DH really can't sit quietly to BM and pretend to be an adult then he needs to talk to them openly about it.
All around us right now we see all these sickly sweet images of the perfect co-parents. Not only do these kids have to deal with the fact that their family is 'broken' but that its 'more broken' then others.
It's not just BM. It's peers and media and here you have dad punishing them for saying they feel unloved which is what EVERYTHING around them is saying. EVERYTHING is telling them your parent's don't love you enough if they can't stand to be near each other.
Seriously do you make them eat carrots and smile too?
They are hurting. They are unhappy. TALK TO THEM.
Oh and don't get me wrong. I
Oh and don't get me wrong. I would be the first to throw rocks at BM if I could but you know what. For the best of my partner and his kids I can shut my mouth and fall in line. If he can stand being next to the woman so can I so don't give me this crap about your sister being unhappy with her. It doesn't matter what your sister does in concerns of BM. It's DH. If DH can man up but sister can't then she needs to not show up.
You do nothing, it might be
You do nothing, it might be your sister but it's still not your business... it's her family issue not yours, stay out of it, listen to her and say, Oh dear sis I can not help you, maybe you should get professional help