Mirror, mirror on the Wall
Its just stuff, right? I tell this to myself, a number of times. So why exactly do I feel like TBM (Toxic BM) has reached inside me and ripped my heart out, yet again?
Last night, before a Tuesday night gathering my friends have at an oceanside resort, I was quickly informed when I stepped inside the house that the round mirror currently hanging over my mantle has been requested, no, demanded, by TBM. As part of their marital asset split. They have been divorced 1 1/2 years, split for over 4 years. She has asked for it before, and he thought she had forgotten.
Over the time we have been together, and before, she has consistently requested this thing and that thing. "what about the tent we bought? Can you bring that over? What about the snowcone maker? Its hot, can I have that?" She claims that he booted her out of the house with nothing. When he caught her cheating, he asked her to leave, she wouldn't, so he paid for her new place, and used his truck and muscle to move her out.
When I "pitched a little fit", I immediately felt bad. He told me "this is why I sold everything, so she couldn't ever do that. I sold everything and bought new stuff, so she couldn't keep coming back at me, demanding things. Everything we had, I bought, but she thinks its hers too."
She got a large screen television, some furniture, all the dishware, all the Christmas ornaments, two cars (one a BMW, one a van, then traded those for a Mercedes SUV). She gets mechanic services with free labor, parts at cost (for who knows how long, she just insists on it being so), alimony of $300 for another 2 years and 4 months, she gets 50/50 custody, all child's clothes paid for, free childcare when she needs it, and all child transportation (she never picks her child up from school, even when on break, and she works for school system and gets MONTHS off). She got a lot, in my opinion. They were married for 6 years, together for almost 20. So I get it, she feels entitled.
So why do I feel this way. Its just one medium-sized mirror hanging over the fireplace, de-silvering a bit, chipped here and there. It has a design etched into it, reminding me of mermaid scales. I guess that I just really loved it. But she loved it too. She said that she wouldn't request the larger, better quality, gilded and beveled mirror (he had worked in a glass shop for some years, so they acquired them during marriage...) and she promised that she wouldn't request the sculpture (given to him by his brother, but during their marriage) and promised not to request anything else. To be fair, when we had a couch to give, she and her boyfriend Tweedle Dum paid about $100 for it. And a few other large pieces of furniture, she paid for them.
But still.
I told SO, that the reason I feel so bad is that this new demand/request makes me feel vulnerable. Like, at any time, for any reason, she can "reach out with her vagina, and grab anything she wants away from us, from me".
I told him, also, that when they had two children together, they created something special together, and that he and I will never create anything as special as that, ever. That for as long as he lives, and she lives, she will always have her hooks in him, forever, because they had children together, brought children into the world together. And I cannot ever do that with him, and it kills me.
He said that I have to focus on what we do have that is very special, and that I have a special child in my life, and that child loves me, and that's something different, unique in its own way. That her mother is not a good mother, and doesn't have the depth of relationship with that child that I have, and that I have the potential for so much more, if I choose. I told him, but no matter how deadbeat she is, no matter the abuse, the broken promises, I will never have that child's love for a mother that she has.
He simply doesn't understand, and I don't know how to express it so he does. I will have to accept that he will never understand, live with it, be ok with it.
I drank a bit of wine last night, more than I should, and this morning told SO; "hey do me a favor... I want that mirror gone by the time I get home, ok? Deliver it after work, and absolutely do not assist in its installation (its over 30 lbs), please. I love you."
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BM did this once. DH posted a
BM did this once. DH posted a pic of me sitting with babySSthen in a lazy boy she’d left behind months before. She messaged DH immediately demanded that he have it ready for her to pick up. He told her “fine you can pick it up ********, we just ordered new furniture and it should be in by then; it doesn’t match” and here it is....6 years later still in my livingroom. She only wants it because she thinks you/he wants it. She’s only using this as an excuse to control your household and stay in contact with you DH to remind him of “their” old things and life together. Accept that this is her tactic and find a way to beat it. Have a garage sale and tell BM she has the one chance to grab what is hers before y’all load it all to the donation center. Let her have her pick then when she’s done, she’ll be done for good. After she leaves take what you want back to the house or take it to the dump. In the future when she asks for this mysterious item, he should respond back “that was in the garage sell, I have nothing of yours here” Rinse and repeat. And after about six months of that ignore those request all together.
All of this boils down to BM crossing boundaries and your DH not standing up for himself or you to her about stupid crap. The garage sale is a passive way out for the both of you. I’d personally prefer the direct “it’s not yours” approach.
TBM recently started cleaning
TBM recently started cleaning her 2 bedroom wreck of an apartment and "found a space for it". Shes asked for it before. So its not a new occurrence. I would be happy to have a signed contract, of no more requests after this, but realize this is not realistic!
I had him take it down this morning, before we left for work. She gets the mirror, and no help installing it. It will sit there against the wall or something, gathering dust. The next time she requests ANYTHING, she will get shut down.
Shes also requesting $$$ for a new bunk bed at her place for munchkin, because munchkin doesn't like the mattress that is there, said that Winona got makeup on it. Shes currently sleeping on the couch, during TBM visitation. MY response is "for less than 100$ you can get that thing cleaned. period. Her place, her space, she furnishes." But Im evil stepmonster, right?
She should be furnishing her
She should be furnishing her own place!!! That shouldn’t even be a request! That’s her problem!
I do understand... BM used to call with sob stories... DH is kindhearted... So he felt bad shutting them down... But it tore me apart.... And all her requests all the time? DH has learned to say no... But they always make me feel vulnerable too... Like just because she beat me here I’ll always be this second place... I’ve gotten more confident... But she does zero for the girls and hardly even sees them... So honestly her dipping in and out as she pleases makes me feel like this human has weird control... I. Hate. It.
How does she get mechanic
How does she get mechanic services free? Please don't tell me your SO does it.
I would give her nothing that was not given to her per the divorce decree.
Why does he give in to her? It just gets to be a little ridiculous, doesn't it?
DH had absolutely nothing for BM to ask for. She kept everything, including his tools. He was just glad to be free of her.
She does indeed get mechanic
She does indeed get mechanic services free, when he works on her car. She pays for parts. She claims it was part of her alimony deal, part of why she agreed to such a low amount. She wanted $1,800 monthly alimony, but agreed to $300 plus mechanic services. It could be worse right? No child support paid, we just buy stuff for Munchkin when she needs something. Low alimony, only for another 2 years 3 months.
Yes, freaking ridiculous. Shes a selfish, self-centered, mean spirited human being.
When I left my relationship of almost 10 years, I took the car I drove, because I had sold my previous car at the insistence of my ex. I took my own clothing, a plant, but no furniture, no pets. He kept the dog and cats and all furniture, all dishware. I didn't ask for money. No one would award me any, because we weren't married and did not have any children together.
Somebody doesn't want to let
Somebody doesn't want to let go. She needs to move on, already.
What does your SO say? Was it part of the agreement? A legal agreement?
He told me "this is why I sold everything, so she couldn't ever do that. I sold everything and bought new stuff, so she couldn't keep coming back at me, demanding things.
But he obviously did not sell everything. She keeps requesting stuff...and your SO keeps obliging her.
I would be upset, too. She is still a major part of his life (it seems, anyway) and not just because they have a special bond and made a baby or two together. The arrangement between them keeps them in communication and in each other's lives more than necessary.
Frankly, I am glad my DH paid child support, instead of BM just thinking she could constantly ask for this and that to be paid for. I did not get in a relationship with him to be the third wheel, and that must be how you feel, at times.
"She claims it was part of
"She claims it was part of her alimony deal, part of why she agreed to such a low amount."
Whaaa? Something smells really bad. Are you sure this is in their agreement, or is your DH just pulling your leg on this? How is something like this even enforceable?
Why does he keep giving in to her? If she wants something, all he has to say is "no". Problem solved. Why is he continually appeasing her?
Something stinks.
Its more of an "appeasement
Its more of an "appeasement agreement". Honestly, the entire time I have been with him, he has had to jump through many many hoops, just to keep things "nice". So she doesnt try to do any damage. First it was "keeping her happy for when I ask for divorce". Then it was"keeping things nice during the divorce". Well divorce was super ugly. The paralegal who did the paperwork, admitted to not liking her at all. But he does not pay too much alimony, its very low, and no child support. So I totally get that giving in to easy requests, keeps things nice all around. But this mirror thing, has pushed my limits. Now I will insist that there are no more free-bies to "be nice". Screw nice.
There is no written agreement. And he tells me that he makes money on the car fixings. And he tells me that he wants the vehicle to be safe for when his little rides in it. And that she needs transportation so she can get to work, and therefore support her 50 % portion of custody without him.
They ALWAYS want more. I just
They ALWAYS want more. I just have this feeling. She is a known liar, and there's been so many broken promises.
Yes, toxic, narcissistic,
Yes, toxic, narcissistic, manipulative BMs will take take take and cross EVERY boundary if your DH lets them! He is partly to blame for giving in to her request. It would be such a shame if the mirror fell and broke during delivery! That would just be such a bummer!
From my BM perspective...I left my son's dad and left EVERYTHING behind b/c I wanted out of the relationship. I will say that it did chap my @ss a bit when he moved in his gf and I watched her use ALL of the things I had bought over the past 10 years but I was never petty enough to try to get my ex to give them back to me. I told myself it was for my son and if he was happy that is all that mattered. Now here we are almost another 10 years later and my ex is incarcerated and all my "stuff" is gone...who knows where.
At my current home we have 1 thing that belonged to my SO and BM. It is a side table and as much as I like the design of it and think it is nice I put it in the garage. I would love to sell it. I don't need any of her stuff in my home. That is all it is...STUFF...look at this as an opportunity to shop with DH for a new mirror or piece of art to fill the spot that is something that you guys can share - good riddance TBM mermaid mirror!
Clove hugs. I get the
Clove hugs. I get the vulnerable feeling. You expressed this so eloquently, I felt your pain, my pain, and all of our pain from your words.
The mirror will be gone, just one more trinket from his broken life with BM. You may not have shared children with him. As magical as that is, you share something more meaningful. It sounds like both you and your DH share a "soul mate" love, something that is just for you and him. That in itself,if it helps at all, tears your toxic BM's cold black heart LOL. Do not let unhealthy people scar or lessen your life with SO.
Thank you Dovina. Hugs back!
Thank you Dovina. Hugs back! Yes, the mirror is a symbol. And oddly enough, it reminded me of sleeping beauty and that symbolism as well. We will replace it with the other mirror, the beautiful, clear, unchipped mirror.
We have a NEW wall hanging to put up too, something he found on facebook marketplace, and I immediately fell in love with.
When that mirror she asked for is gone, that is the last of anything she can ask for, no more requests. She gave her word, but she is famous for broken promises, and lies constantly. arg. I still have that feeling that she will come back with something more.
You should look at it as he
You should look at it as he stayed with her for the kids, he stays with you because he truly loves you. That's how DH and BM were anyway. He said he would have left way sooner if it wasn't for the kids and that he didn't know what it was like to truly love someone until we started dating.
I would draw the line at the mirror. In the mean time, find a mirror that you really love and get it for yourself.
SO really did stay and tough
SO really did stay and tough it out for the children. He drew the line at cheating. He tells me that our relationship is much better, that I am a much better person in every way.
We currently have a wonderful mirror, in our television room, clear, and bright, larger, unchipped, gilded frame. This other one was over the fireplace in the other room (yes, we have 2 living rooms!). We also just acquired a beautiful new-to-us wall hanging.
What makes it worse (in my mind) is that she told him that she has the right to his sculpture and 2nd mirror and he is lucky she isnt asking for more (which she will do in the future, mark my words).
Thanks for the kind words Moving.
Haha! He is lucky she isn't
Haha! He is lucky she isn't asking for more? He doesn't have to give her a damn thing!
You did the right thing by
You did the right thing by telling him to just give it to her in the end. And I hope he listens to you and doesn't hang it for her.
She would have kept nagging your husband, he probably would have wanted to give it to her so she'd leave him alone about it, and if you had made a big fuss, you'd have looked like that bad guy.
It sucks, and it is annoying. But sometimes we get into huge issues with people over small things, and it isn't worth it.
When you and your DH replace it, it will be with something that you bought together and has nothing to do with her. That will feel much better.
Oh- and sharing children isn't the greatest thing. They bring their own conflict a lot of the time. Both of my relationships with my kids' fathers unraveled after they were born. You have all the time in the world to focus on each other with no distractions.
Thanks for props Witch! It
Thanks for props Witch! It helps sosososo much. HE just wants to get rid of her, for once and for all. But I suspect this will just open the door for more. He will have me to answer to, as regards any additional requests of our possessions. I like what one poster said "your home is not her personal yard sale to pick through."
And I also mentioned that the divorce decree spells out very distinctly that marital assets have been declared and divided, to everyone's satisfaction. There will be no opening that door again. My fecks have all been given out. No more to give.
I don't know all the rules,
I don't know all the rules, etc. around this so please forgive me if I am speaking where I don't understand...
But how in the hell can she keep coming back and asking for stuff AFTER they are divorced. Time to move on! And why does DH think he has to give into these demands? He needs to tell her, no more. If she really wanted something she could have gotten it while they were split up or even before the actual divorce.
I would tell DH- NO MORE. She can't just remember something that she once had and ask for it. She can't just go "shopping" in your home for things that she remembers she once owned.
Like when is enough, enough?
I dont know, either!!!! Thats
I dont know, either!!!! Thats what riles me so much, and I KNOW for a fact that she will keep asking and asking.
"oh but its for our daughter!!!!!!" Munchkin wants a bunk bed for her "other home". SO already bought a bed for TBM's place, a long time ago. Two actually. Because he didnt want his kids sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Her apartment is such a disaster, both TBM (Toxic BM) and Munchkin sleep on the couch, currently. I was really on the fence about SO going halves for a bunk bed for TBMs place.
This mirror thing really pushed me over the edge somehow.
If your DH has already been
If your DH has already been divorced, settled and paid for everything...he should give her absolutely nothing! She probably doesn't even really want it. She just wants to see if your DH asks how high when she barks jump.
He should ignore it and never give her a darn thing again. She's only doing this as a power move. They're divorced, everything was divided and paid for so nothing is hers anymore.
I do get the jealousy of it all though. I hate that my DH saw anything redeemable in BM2 and even worse had SS15 with her. Ties for life. UGH!
Thanks Cooooookies. I
Thanks Cooooookies. I mentioned that to him. Their divorce decree states that all marital assets have been declared and split, to everyone's satisfaction. He thinks that because she claimed it before he kicked her out, that she gets it. I should print out some laws for him. So he knows his rights.
Clove I think you deserve a
Clove I think you deserve a day of shopping for something for your home that you love. It can be small or big but something that has true meaning to you. I love the wall art that has words on them. Something that makes you feel good when you read it. Now that she can no longer ask for anything else it is time to say this is a good thing. That chapter is closed along with the pain and sad feelings you feel. Tomorrow is a new day for you. HUGS!
Thank you Queen! Hugs back.
Thank you Queen! Hugs back. Sweety bought something, a beautiful solid wrought iron wall hanging with mirrored squares. And we have a gorgeous mirror, that she promises not to request, to replace it with. But yes, I will move forward and claim my stakes. She is jealous, Im sure. And now alone since new years blow out with Tweedle Dum, her alcoholic boyfriend.
BioHo insisted that DH give
BioHo insisted that DH give her the old mixer. 5 years after they split. The ONLY reason 'Ho wanted it was because the skids were raving about the made-from-scratch goodies I was baking. She saw red (green) and DEMANDED the mixer. "It was my GRANDMOTHER'S" was her reasoning. Riiiiiiiight. She hadn't needed the damn thing for 5 years. So DH sent it home with the skids. Then went out and bought me a $500 KitchenAid.
Hon, in the end, it IS just stuff. But I know it hurts. Please ask SO to make sure that aaaaaaaaall of the crap that TBM has requested/demanded is no longer in your home. If she makes any additional requests/demands, she can be told NO.
You and SO should go shopping and pick out a new mirror, together.
Ah geeze. A mixer? Yeah. They
Ah geeze. A mixer? Yeah. They always want more. We are moving a mirror that we currently have - its way bigger and nicer. And no more requests.
But yes, its just stuff. I told SO, "its only stuff, Ive got YOU". But yeah. Ouch.
Yep, a mixer. And I never
Yep, a mixer. And I never used that mixer!! I was using my old hand mixer for everything. It certainly chapped 'Ho's arse when she learned that DH bought me that KitchenAid. She actually had the gall to call him and b!tch about it. He nipped that conversation in the bud. LOL!
If it’s not in a legal
If it’s not in a legal document, it needs to end. Free mechanic work ? No more if it’s not in a legal document.
I’m for keeping one’’s word so if he told her she would get the mirror, give it to her with a very clear message that this is the end. Future requests will be ignored.
Yes, cut that off now! And no
Yes, cut that off now!
And no installation assistance. The thing will probably just sit there forever... its over 30 lbs.
Well here's a story... 4
Well here's a story...
4 years after their divorce BM found out we were 're-modelling' the front garden. I was sick of the box hedges in squares and wanted some nice Englishness to it. Roses, lavender etc. When she heard we have removed the hedge plants she was known to have said 'half of those are mine' - for god sake woman, you made a divorce agreement 4 years ago. We have clipped, fed etc those hedges for the next 4 years so I felt like sending her a bill for all that plus ground rent for her half. Pathetic woman. I would also have liked to dump her half soil and all in her apartment hallway.
Another one - 2 years after the divorce, her having bu**ered off leaving behind a load of rubbish, an attic full of crap and rubbish, a very large old but working tanning bed plus her self taken nudes and school diaries, she then finds out (from SD who else?) that DH was selling the sun bed and demanded half of it.
Funny how people can make a legal agreement having worked out who was having what but will ask for money for things that are no longer theirs. I think it's just that they want to still feel they are in control. It's a test for your DH. How far will he go to keep the peace?
OMG!!!! What a goon. Good
OMG!!!! What a goon. Good riddence, eh? I agree. It seems like she is always trying to find a way to stay relevant.
LOL. I had (what I think is)
LOL. I had (what I think is) a brilliant idea. I told SO that instead of TBM (Toxic BM) and he going halves on a bunk bed for TBM's apartment for Munchkin, that I will chip in for Bunk bed for OUR place and she will only have to pay 1/3. And he will deliver bed that is currently at OUR place to hers.
So, Munchkin gets her bunk (at our place), has a bed she is comfortable at other place, and I get to participate!!!! (notice I did not say control here...)
Thoughts?
There ya go. Can't wait to
There ya go.
Can't wait to hear how she responds to that.
Umm, I'm not sure about this
Umm, I'm not sure about this one. Maybe you should think about it for a while.
There's no way the BM will go
There's no way the BM will go for it and I'm sure Clove and her SO know that. But it's a funny thought.
TBM has absolutely no money.
TBM has absolutely no money. So there is no room for her to argue. She is famous for broken promises. I ALWAYS follow through. Munchkin sees what I can do, how I create beautiful comfortable spaces, even asked me to help her clean her room with her (mostly I directed)...
Im thinking, "Hey munchkin wants a bunk bed, it doesnt matter to HER where it is...and TBM wants munchkin to have bunk bed...so if I and SO are willing to chip in...and there is a replacement for mattress that has been deemed unusable...?"
What are reservations? I see
What are reservations? I see it being all beneficial. But I am open to other views.
I think it's beneficial, as
I think it's beneficial, as well, but BM won't because A) it's not her idea (demand) and
she doesn't get the NEW bunk bed and C) it's not her idea (demand).
But if SO lets her know that it's the only way it's going to happen, what choice will she have? It's not up to him to furnish her home so she can either pay 1/3 or pay all.
I texted him my idea. And
I texted him my idea. And why. He said "oh, you really want to go there?" I texted back "yes. This mirror thing has pushed me to my hard limit line."
He said he will mention it when it comes up. Or I could discuss it with munchkin...who might spill beans...oops.
I know it might cause a ruckus, I have given all the fecks I have, there are no more remaining.
Did y'all hear that.....? It
Did y'all hear that.....? It sounded like shattered mermaid mirror glass. oops.
LOL> I thought of that. But
LOL> I thought of that. But the 7 years bad luck thing held me back...
Karmically speaking, Ill do what I can to hope for safe delivery. She will ask for assistance hanging said mirror, he will politely refuse. It will sit there gathering dust. The mirror is already starting to de-silver. Its chipped in a few places.
Here’s a way to look at
Here’s a way to look at it:
The beauty you see reflected in that mirror when you look at it will only reflect her own ugliness to her.
((((Aunt Agatha))) Yes. Her
((((Aunt Agatha)))
Yes. Her own reflection will stare back at her. Alone.
I would have urinated on that
I would have urinated on that mirror before giving it to BM.
Now you and your SO can pick out a new mirror TOGETHER. Winning!
OMG what is it with these
OMG what is it with these women. BM took EVERYTHING in the divorce-DH still gets pissed that she took the damn ice trays from the fridge. They had a 2nd fridge that he kept and she hadn't taken the baking mixer that belonged to her mom.
DF has those two things- I'm getting into baking now so I think we will give a twirl lol. She did ask for the fridge (the 2nd one) -needless to say it's in our house, we use it in the sunroom, all the time
He thinks she forgot about the mixer. I think I'll have to bake something, invite SD over and tell her we used the mixer-just for shits and giggles-and then ignore her texts/calls like we always do.
He didn't give her a THING she left since she took 99pct of it-even tools of his that she could get ahold of though he save a good amount.
Although, its not ALL women,
Although, its not ALL women, right? I left my relationship of more than 8 years with only my clothing and car. Thats it. Nothing more. It sucks for us, when someone gets greedy and selfish. WEll, I think the BMs that do these things are already greedy and selfish, just expressing these qualities when they leave.
She had wanted another mirror and a sculpture given to him by his brother. And told him she should get those too, but if he just gives her the one mirror she wont ask for more.
She is the queen of broken promises, however, I expect she will be back for more.
Definitely use that mixer. If its not in the marital asset list, she cant have it, right? Why do people not get things in writing? Sweety told me today, that before he kicked her out, she "claimed" the mirror, so she gets it. What a crock. But what the heck do I know?
As others have echoed...he is
As others have echoed...he is with you for you...not because you two (did or didn't have kids)- repeat this to yourself...he is with you for who you are...he loves you...Part of your problem is your SO has not set boundaries with his EX- maybe he does this for financial appeasement, guilt over the divorce, making life easier etc...the point is, it is getting uncomfortable for you and you need to say something, something that will get him to understand that it makes you uncomfortable, but results in a solution you will both be happy with...what that looks like is up to you two to discuss...if you can, try to approach him delicately- I have found this works for me, as opposed to being bitter and full of angst...
Personally, I wouldn't want any of my SOs things he had with that witch...NOTHING...- but that's me.
In fact I would buy some dried sage at a holistic store and start saging your whole house...you don't need that womens energy in your life anymore than you have too- again that is me and something I have recently started doing the last few years- but I am known to be a bit superstitious...lol
Lol. This is a flash back
Lol.
This is a flash back to my divorce from my adulterous cavern crotch skank whore of an XW (she moved out 27mos after we married). We agreed that each would keep what they brought to the marriage and the wedding gifts that were given from their side of marriage. After she moved out she kept wanting something more, etc, etc, etc....
My answer was always... Nope!
It didnt work out for a
It didnt work out for a reason, right?
LOL.
Yet, when I left, I took only clothing and car that I was driving. I am thinking of how to explain this the Munchkin. So she understands. To her, its simply going from one place she lives, to another place she lives. She figures, "hey, its mom's too. They were together".
But Rags, what it comes down to, is the court system dictates one thing for marital parties, and non-marital gets zip. Just because they were married, and just because you were married, these people feel entitled...
I already have a text to the paralegal lady that helped us through this. She has become a friend of ours, actually. To better understand this thing.
SO mentioned she claimed it before he moved her out, so she should get it. To me, it is simply opening up the door for more demands.
I will not let this woman treat my home like her home shopping network!
I am so glad BM took
I am so glad BM took EVERYTHING from hubby when they divorced. I don’t want any of her energy in my home.
The only he kept was the coffee grinder.....8 years later..it still reminds me of her. I gotta “break” that one and get a new one.
She though it was so funny getting everything. Then when she saw our house...with all my very nice furniture...she was not happy. Karma baby.
She became so broke, she sold everything she took from thier old Home. Again...karma baby.
SO sold everything in yard
SO sold everything in yard sales (except obviously the mirrors) and got her energy out that way. I found some old photos and cards, and tossed those in my huge cleaning and clearing binge a few weeks ago. She was here for at least 8 years, so there is bound to be some remnants. But I have been going through all the closets and boxes he has. Time to go through another cleaning clearing binge and go through my OWN boxes! Who knows what lurks in there.
That's great - you brought in your new, clean clear energy, and blasted that one out of the water. Funny, really? Sad.
Karma, it will come back to her in new and unusual ways. She lost her husband, and now her daughter. I don't know how long it will take for Munchkin to realize her mother is a selfish mean narcissistic a$$, but she got a glimmer last Halloween for sure.
I hope you helped deliver the
I hope you helped deliver the mirror by giving it a good heave-ho into the driveway. I’d heave-ho the other one too. And then use DH’s credit card to buy yourself really nice replacements
LOL. And have 7 years bad
LOL. And have 7 years bad luck? Nah, I cant stand the woman (her nasally voice, sends my nausea reflex through the roof), and would probably say something smart a$$. Just to stir things.
CLove Honey, your DH is a
CLove Honey, your DH is a knob!!!!!!
There's a time of limitation of taking things from a home, not years later he can tell her to eff off, she had her change to remove her share, what ever she left behind remains his now and no court what so ever will make him hand it over, it's international not only on Mars.
BM pulled the same stunt and lawyers told her... the day you rocked up with huge trucks and removed what you wanted, was the last day you could claim anything, if you forgot anything after that day, it's not yours and you can't claim it. BM was furious as hell and tried but there was no place on the trucks, judge asked her... why wait a year then, why not go back the same day, sorry woman you are not getting it and you are responsible for all legal fees.
DH should look into this and start telling that cow to leave him be.
Thanks Acra. Hes just a
Thanks Acra. Hes just a simple guy, who works hard, and wants everyone to get along peacefully. Yesterday we went back and forth with this whole thing, and finally right after he came back from delivery (no installation!), we had a discussion.
He told me that at the time he got that particular mirror, she had been giving him her check, and they had BOTH agreed that it was hers. She had just "forgotten" it in the various moves and all the dating (she moved around alot after he kicked her out). So he insists that it is hers, even with the amount of time shes been out of the house, and time divorced.
Basically he is backing up his promise, and agreement with her. WE teach people how to treat us, so he is teaching her how he wants her to act towards him. Therefore, Ill support him in this one, but he promises there is not one more thing that she can possibly claim, ever.
He is still afraid of her, somehow, I get this feeling. He was abused by her, physically and emotionally as well as verbally. She has abused her own daughter, her boundaries are zeros. He doesnt want to stir the pot, and excite her temper, and get himself put into jail for defending himself against her.
Its always been like that. However he no longer helps her out. She asked him to "help" her install this mirror, and he declined politely telling her that he doesnt want responsibility if anything should happen. She had some guy coming over later, and he told her "well get your Stud to help you". She said, "oh hes just this small mexican, with no tools lol." Geeze. I cannot stand this woman! Barely 2 weeks after New Years Incident (boyfriend Tweedle Dum peeing on the door, and ranting at her in front of Munchkin), and she is already looking for new man.
I’m pretty sure after like a
I’m pretty sure after like a few months max anything becomes his... I’m just grateful DH’s decree specifically states anything in withers position is now theirs.... Means BM can’t just ask for s***.
"He told me that at the time
"He told me that at the time he got that particular mirror, she had been giving him her check, and they had BOTH agreed that it was hers. She had just "forgotten" it in the various moves and all the dating (she moved around alot after he kicked her out). So he insists that it is hers, even with the amount of time shes been out of the house, and time divorced"
WHAT? Wait, she broke her vows/promises to him during the marriage but somehow he must remain above reproach AFTER the divorce? Yuck!
"Basically he is backing up his promise, and agreement with her. WE teach people how to treat us, so he is teaching her how he wants her to act towards him. Therefore, Ill support him in this one, but he promises there is not one more thing that she can possibly claim, ever.
He is still afraid of her, somehow, I get this feeling. He was abused by her, physically and emotionally as well as verbally. She has abused her own daughter, her boundaries are zeros. He doesnt want to stir the pot, and excite her temper, and get himself put into jail for defending himself against her."
I think this is a cop out- he says what you want to hear IMO.
"Its always been like that. However he no longer helps her out. She asked him to "help" her install this mirror, and he declined politely telling her that he doesnt want responsibility if anything should happen. She had some guy coming over later, and he told her "well get your Stud to help you". She said, "oh hes just this small mexican, with no tools lol." Geeze. I cannot stand this woman! Barely 2 weeks after New Years Incident (boyfriend Tweedle Dum peeing on the door, and ranting at her in front of Munchkin), and she is already looking for new man."
YUCK and triple yuck-the fact he said 'your Stud to help you' indicates to me some feelings left and unhealthy ties...otherwise he would simply say NO, it's not my place/job to help you out any further. The End. In fact he should have said NO to the mirror to begin with. The reason this threw you 'over the edge' is because he is 100pct in the WRONG here and placating/enmeshed w/his ex-wife and HER feelings. Certainly more worried about keeping up old promises to her over his OWN WIFE"S feelings on the matter.
This pisses me off royally for you!
Then this: 'There is no written agreement. And he tells me that he makes money on the car fixings. And he tells me that he wants the vehicle to be safe for when his little rides in it. And that she needs transportation so she can get to work, and therefore support her 50 % portion of custody without him."
BULLSHIT- she can be responsible to pay for her own car troubles.
And wait, he's considering paying for a bed at bm's house 'for the kid' -do you really buy this? It's NONSENSE. He's HELPING BM out. It's not right. You supply kids w/things at your place, bm does for hers. Too bad if she doesn't like the mattress there, she can buy a cover for the stains. She can go to FB marketplace/ebay and buy a used bunkbed. You tell your DH he better not DARE keep doing for BM this way, that it's NOT for his kid, his kid is provided for on his time, he pays alimony, they have 50/50 - if he continues to enable BM she will never do her part.
Banana - thank you for this
Banana - thank you for this response. This along with the others has helped me immeasurably see the truth behind the "smoke and mirrors".
B- WHAT? Wait, she broke her vows/promises to him during the marriage but somehow he must remain above reproach AFTER the divorce? Yuck!
C - That is how I am interpreting his actions. He is a simple guy, to him, it is "I must be above all the pettiness, and do what I said I would do, because I am a stand-up guy". Maybe I am over-thinking it. And hes just acting like the puppet guy doing her bidding. Hard for me to tell. He insists that he tells her "no" a lot. She is aggressive and demanding, a lot I suppose, maybe more than I know.
B - I think this is a cop out- he says what you want to hear IMO.
C - Perhaps. I have been fooled by men before. Thanks, I felt that, but am undecided about how I should handle it. Its done now, mirror is delivered. Replaced with something better.
B - YUCK and triple yuck-the fact he said 'your Stud to help you' indicates to me some feelings left and unhealthy ties...otherwise he would simply say NO, it's not my place/job to help you out any further. The End. In fact he should have said NO to the mirror to begin with. The reason this threw you 'over the edge' is because he is 100pct in the WRONG here and placating/enmeshed w/his ex-wife and HER feelings. Certainly more worried about keeping up old promises to her over his OWN WIFE"S feelings on the matter.
C - Yes, I had the same internal reaction of yuck. She is always sharing her personal details with him, via text, or when he drops off Munchkin. He told me that he has shared personal details about us with her, to indicate how much better we are than they were, like its a point of pride. It was like a punch in the stomach, and I was horrified - why should this vile human being know these personal things about me? I felt betrayed, but we got through it. Hes proud of us, so that is positive. This happened a while ago, and I havent mentioned it on here, but mention it now, because now she is back on the "Dating Merry-go-round", and looking for new man.
He tells me that he needs to keep current on her sex life, because his children (child) are over at her place and he has to make sure things are ok. This was said a while ago. So now, I am thinking they are back to her sharing her adventures, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. TBM on the hunt for new man. I start thinking, "is a part of him jealous, or angry about her dating other guys?"
B - And wait, he's considering paying for a bed at bm's house 'for the kid' -do you really buy this? It's NONSENSE. He's HELPING BM out. It's not right. You supply kids w/things at your place, bm does for hers. Too bad if she doesn't like the mattress there, she can buy a cover for the stains. She can go to FB marketplace/ebay and buy a used bunkbed. You tell your DH he better not DARE keep doing for BM this way, that it's NOT for his kid, his kid is provided for on his time, he pays alimony, they have 50/50 - if he continues to enable BM she will never do her part.
C - She doesnt do much now to begin with, for her child - I go to museum and do things with Munchkin all the time, help her out. I do love her and want the best, but I knew something was wrong when I felt bad as he was telling me "Oh TBM wants to go halves on a new bunk bed for munchkins room (formerly Winonas room, which has been totaled with trash). I told him that either they clean existing mattress that he paid for that is there, OR we can get her a bunk bed for OUR place, and give the bedset at our place over, or she gets to pay 100% for new stuff at HER place.
I insisted on it - her place, her space = her responsibility.
I came to this conclusion after thinking it over alot, and feedback here at ST. I told him "I love Munchkin dearly, and if she is wanting a bunk bed, does it really matter WHERE? Id rather we have it at our place, because you can install it and it will be really cool with a drawing table, etc. BM can chip in, Ill even chip in..."
Thank you - your input has been invaluable.