lol - the silver lining, is that you're in a position to teach him how to treat you when it comes to his parenting / his child.

Good for you, AJanie - you deserve happiness.

Oh NOOOO! RUN! LOL, j/k, I think that it is almost impossible these days to find someone without a child. Just use what you have learned here!

I also think that Father/son dynamic is different than father/daughter dynamic but every case is different.

I know from my experience dealing with my ex (my older son's dad) being an addict and incarcerated (currently) has been way easier than dealing with my SO's MOTY GUBM who is batshit crazy and has no idea what boundaries are. It is sad for a child of an addict but they really know that they can't count on their biological parent and they will always love them but I think they appreciate the step parents in their life more because of that. My son has become close with my SO b/c he is there for him. My ex (even though he is an addict and made some really poor choices) has also been much more appreciative and supportive of my SO being in my son's life. It is better than the BM that expects me to treat her daughter better than my children and support her financially and then bashes me for everything!

You're a sucker for punishment Have fun during the honeymoon period, although you and new guy probably don't get much time alone since he's custodial dad. I guess we always go back to what's familiar until we finally learn our lesson.

Just don't rush into anything, like marriage or even living together. It takes awhile to REALLY get to know someone (and his kid), and to observe their parenting and how they interact with the ex. Some people can pretend or hide things for a long time, if motivated.

Make sure you get to know the real him and see the true dynamic of his relationship with his kid and his ex.

It doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

Glad that you found someone who treats you well. Just curious though... what would you have said about your ex, when you first met him/started dating him? A lot of those same things I'm assuming or you never would have moved in with him and married him right? Just be careful. That honeymoon phase can throw you for a loop and people can be good at hiding the crazy, but eventually it will come out. hopefully not the case with this guy!

Enjoy your time. Just don't make any moves until AT LEAST being together for a year.

Glad to see you around here! Your ex is such a waste...lucky you got out and stayed out!

Not all skids are deal breakers - the one you described sounds un-fun though

I dated a guy before ex-SO who had a daughter. Although he adored her, he was a stern dad, which allowed me to be the "good cop" with her. He and I were ultimately mismatched, but I've fb-stalked her from afar and she still seems like the same sweet girl.

I hope you enjoy your time with new dad, and remember that he doesn't have to be your 'forever' guy... he could just be a transition guy... and those are great for fun and healing.

Glad to "see" you again.

"Recidivism" is not just for convicted criminals. It applies to everyone IRL. We use different terms. We all tend to stick closely to what feels most comfortable and familiar even if it has giant red flags attached. Just file it away in the back of your mind & go slowly.

It so good to hear from you AJ!

Why are you dating only this one guy? Finding a high quality partner is a numbers game - the more diverse candidates you date, the more data you have to make an informed choice. There are so many interesting single guys out there!

After a bad breakup, I had to force myself to get back out there, and intentionally went on dates with guys I didn't feel particularly attracted to because I knew my picker was a bit bent.

I urge you to take things very slowly as you continue to work on healing and personal growth. There was a reason you were drawn to your ex, and you need to be able to identify and alter those old patterns before getting into another relationship.

The fact that there is a drug component in this new potential bf's life concerns me, even though it's the BM. Haven't you had a lifetime of that already?

AJ, so good to see you! Please take your time. Focus on YOU and learn to love who you are. Please take your time. Hugs!

Take it really slow. My ex had two daughters. The oldest was 9 and the youngest 7. I loved the oldest, I truly did. The 7 year old was a brat. Never really had any issues with the girls. Had issues with their BM but not the girls. They are all much older now and when I divorced from their father we all remained friendly (including BM as we now had something in common) LOL.
This time around my now DH had 3 ranging from 7-12. Things were good for the first year and a half. But once we moved in together they were terrors. I chalked it up to immaturity. I went from ignoring the behavior, to avoiding the behavior, to complaining to DH about the behavior. Things went from bad to worse and now we do not speak or see each other. They continue to try and cause problems.
Five year old little boys are full of energy but they can also be so sweet.
If BM isn't causing any issues and she can accept that more than the biological parents can care and love her child I think that you will be just fine. I truly believe that most issues with the skids stem from the mother at least in my experience.

I think as we get older it’s going to be hard to find partners that are child free.

Take it slow, don’t break your lease and see how it goes as time goes by.

We have custody off SS and I can tell you life is much easier and less hectic/dramatic than when we didn't have custody.

I dont know...some of you saying boy, uh well i have a boy ss and he hates me... not sure if boy/girl matters.

I think its the dynamic that matters and attitude,,If this guy is sincer and has her back...im sure it will be fine.

Good luck to you, if dh and i split soon, im being a dog lady!! Eff bringing anyone else into this mess!!

Really glad you posted the update. I went back and read some of your blogs for back story. This quote from you in September, 2017 jumped out at me:

"I talked to my therapist and we decided I cannot date anyone exclusively for 6 months to a year. She said a lot of people in my situation will turn to a new man for comfort, but I need to work on myself. Sounds like the smart thing to do. I have to figure out why I ignored red flags and settled down with an evil person. I never want to make this mistake again."

That statement was only made 4 months ago. What happened to your plan not to date anyone exclusively for 6 months to a year? I'm not saying this new guy is bad. He may be THE ONE. However, it seems you have gotten very serious very fast and maybe you just want to take it a little more slowly and cautiously, to give time for any "red flags" to emerge.

Also, I don't think the fact that new guy (or any other guy) has a child automatically should disqualify them from consideration. Each situation is unique, but that is definitely one of the factors to be considered, and to be considered EXTRA CAREFULLY.

Best of luck to you!

Lol..prison..lololol
During these modern times with the rate of divorce as high as its ever been the possibility of finding single people without kids becomes slimmer as we age.
In the end after taking preecautions all we can do is leap and hope for the best.
Disclaimer:long post
What I did(hubs has 2 sons with 2 dif bms and mil-his mom- thinks she is the parent- craaazzyyy. He is the non-custodial parent):
1. Observed him with the boys on his weekends
2. Put my 2 cents in about his life while we were living separately.Liked the respobse I got(this is paramount)eg. Do you think bm calling about some uninportant crap at 12 am is appropriate?
3. Moved him into MY apartment(my place my rules...one way to ensure I don't get the shaft if he chooses to be irresponsible/guilty/lenient with the skids.if HE is the one to be a jerk then he should be the one who pays. Luckily we are pretty good together so nothing happened)
4. Discussed finances BEFORE moving in to my apt. He pays half Rent+utilities in cash to me plus we have an agreed upon food budget (he pays half the food budget to me and I buy-he cooks).
NO joint accounts- he has cs/I have student loans
5.If the skids need something he buys it.(unless 200+ in which case he discusses it with me since I also handle our savings). CS was already established before me.
6. There are house rules that do not change.
7.I can discipline.
8.He has the kids he tajes care of his kids.(bathing,feeding,disciplining, watching etc.). This actually was unexpected as he does this on his own.
I help out he does the bulk.
9. We take one weekend for ourselves every few weeks.
10. He discusses every serious conversation he has with bm about the kids with you first.There should only be serious conversations w/ bm about ss at the point you invite him into your apartment/house.(eg BM does not call about the weather or for a ride froom the bar, or because she thought she saw something in a dark alley - issues about ss only)
11. How do you like your MIL? How does she like you? How does she like BM?
Observe before moving in.
It is hard enough to live with SO who has full custody, Bm a bit cray but adding an MIL who is not in your corner...a LOT harder!
Sorry such a long post...
I wish you the best of luck(it sounds like he is a keeper)!

yeah - now if you go missing again I will hunt you down!!!!!

So what, you found a guy with a hyper kid and douche Ex wife.... nothing wrong with it my friend. I would advice you not to move in, at least not for a couple of years, these guys change as soon as you move in and if you want to keep this way, then stay in your little place...
If he starts asking about moving in together ask him straight out WHY?

If the first reason is economically it makes more sense, he loves you and it would be good for his kid... laugh and tell him, NO not moving in together, Economically I'm fine, I like you as well and not moving in to make your kid happy... I'm not his mother and he's not my responsibility...

Keep things the way they are, who knows, maybe after a year you do not feel so strong about him, or you meet some one else, it's way to early to be thinking of moving in.......

You can see now if he allows you to discipline the little snot, if kid is running around and making noises tell kid, hey calm down and keep quiet,
suggest play therapy for the snot... make it clear if he can't deal with it now he never will, it will get worse... that kid needs discipline and therapy now to make sure that he will launch at 18...

Repeat offender here too! I stayed away from step life for 2 whole years. Dated some, nothing serious... Came back here a few months go after being with my guy for over 2 years (I am from the days of Crew ), High Conflict BM... Kids are great though. SO is wonderful. It can happen. Not all of steplife is horrible. There are things we can control and things that we can't. After the abuse and PTSD that was suffered from my ex, I didn't ever think I could deal with a man with kids. I think that I blamed steplife issues vs. blaming a bad man for a long time. Steplife doesn't have to be hell when you have the right partner. It can be frustrating, that is a lot that you cant control, which for someone like me is super difficult. This site is amazing to be able to vent when it seems that no one else around you understands what you go through- especially court drama, HCBM drama, behavior drama, etc.

But sometimes someone wonderful walks into your life and it is worth it Take is slow. Keep control of your life- especially financially. Don't be bitter about the past, and give it a real chance if he is worth it.

Hey AJ! Glad for the update. Just be cautious. I waited over a year to date. Dated a guy and it went sour after a month. Total a-hole. Have had ONE Date since. Guy had no kids but was throwing off red flags left and right. Made me cringe. One date and done. Haven’t gone out since. I lost my little toy long coat chihuahua recently and was devastated. About a month later, i found a new little male long coat chihuahua and i adore him. I have two guy friends that i hang out with and I’m ok with it. My counselor cut me loose last summer. So I’ve been doing my thing on my own. And it’s been good for me.

Big hugs!!!