stop you even by trying to petition the court from you going. Especially if you are married. She would have to have a viable reason for you not going. Like you beat her up or something.. So I am not to sure that it will work.
It sounds like she is just trying to control what you are doing. She may not like you but there is nothing she can do about it. How petty is that.. Tell her if she does not like you going that maybe she should drive the child the whole way.. Then she will not have to worry about you being there..

Just a suggestion...
happy

Too bad for her! Her whims and insecurities don't give her the right to dictate who travels in the car YOU pay for....she's just going to have to deal with it!!

My x's GF...actually picks up the kids ...all by herself..on occasion and has picked up my son, drove him to, and attended his Christmas concert..AND dropped him off...all by herself!! It's no big deal! I think in your case..the biomom will learn to accept it ...especially if she has no other choice..so stick to your guns....

You know, move all your pick ups and drops off to a designated public location and have it finalized by the courts. Then you are on public property and guess what... she can't do crap about it. Problem solved.

In the beginning of me dating DH, BM used to drop by with SS at his home. But once she got wind that he was dating, and it was pretty serious, she started to pull all sorts of crap, major tantrums, and even went out of her way to be melodramatic in front of the neighbors, claiming that he 'abused' her. Even to the point of peeling out of his driveway making big scenes. She literally lost control of herself. It was sooo embarrassing.

Well eventually they ended up in court, again. So DH had it put in their court order that their designated drop off, pick up was at the local grocery store parking lot- a completely heavily public location. She no longer could accuse him of any 'spousal abuse' while dropping SS off at his home. This new designated spot at a public location was open, and she was too embarrassed to carry on like she did, because there was too many witnesses now. Plus, it's public property, so she can't say crap about who is with him or comes and goes. (I think she didn't like the fact that I was there too, but oh well...) And if we have problems, we can call the police pronto. The judge saw right through her. The judge agreed. And that solved sooo many things.

The judge will be totally disgusted with her and make her pay your husband's legal fees, because this what is called "frivolous" and a waste of the court's time. Judge's do not take kindly to that. This is ridiculous! It's a free country and if it's your husband, your car and your stepchildren, then she's the one who is interfering.

~ Anne ~

She sounds childish and petty. I am in the same situation in that my husband drives 2 hrs to meet every other weekend on Friday and Sunday. I don't feel like I'm missing out on any time, but that's me. I have no desire to drive in the car for that amount of time, and I would feel like I'm interfering honestly. If your staying home makes her happy...then just do it and see if she let's it go. I use this time to do some housecleaning, laundry or just have some alone down time for me. It's actually quite wonderful...try it!

On the back side though, I would let her know that this also means you don't want to be asked to do any future drop-offs to bio-mom's house. It goes both ways you know.

I have been in your same shoes. The original order for the exchange of my step daughter was at the Ex's house. When I rode along, I would get sworn at, yelled at, insulted, and called pretty much every name in the book. I used to get horrible stomach aches because of it. I can't imagine how it was to my step daughter. Either way, don't purposefully try to push her buttons in any way, but at the same token, don't back down. She HAS to get used to you sooner or later weather she likes it or not, and by at least not being present, all you are is prolonging it. Wear her down bit by bit.

One of the last times that my husband went to court, his EX tried to stipulate that I was not allowed to go along, and the judge moved the location to the Mc Donalds parking lot instead of her house. I think the judge realized she was crazy too.

On a positive note, eventually the ex needed the exchange to happen at a different location at a different time and she couldn't get ahold of my husband. It seems that I am not so bad after all.

Damn. There is a LOT of material here. I commend the Birth moms who come here trying to get advice and understanding. I commend the step moms who come here and are willing to listen to the birth moms and hear their side. Both sides, when reasonable, have great wisdom to share. I hope to learn how to be a better person from people who are trying to be better people themselves.
We are, on this board, often a polarized voice. And we have reasons.
I am NOT an BM, but I have one.
And she was a great mother. For all she has done for me in my life I have great respect for birthmothers. My father, was a step father to my sister but my real dad. I never thought of my sister as half sister, because my parents were GREAT people, and they gave a damn about how we grew up to interpret the world.
Thats really our job, isnt it? Wether we are teachers, parents, advertising executives, in the media, neighbors, stay at home moms...?
Isn't it our greatest responsibility to shed light into the MINDS of these CHILDREN that we raise? Wether they are ours by birth, by marraige, by accident or mere proximity?
And who says it is a priviledge? It is a down right BURDEN sometimes - wether BM or SM.
Mothering is all too often THANKLESS.
I know because at times in my life I was a thankless child. (I'm sorry mom).
The truth is, no matter how great my mother was, there were far too many times when I was influenced by the world around me. She couldn't have been good enough to raise me to be perfect. NO ONE PERSON CAN.
MANY hands go into the making of a human mind.
The truth is, people have to work TOGETHER to raise children.
A conscientious parent (by birth or marraige) should be GRATEFUL if the weight of the influences in our childrens lives are loving and teach goodness and give the children reason to want to live and have children of their own.
There are too many reasons not to.
If I had a child in an unhappy marraige that ended, I would hope one day to show my child that love isn't always unhappy. If that came in the form of my ex loving a different woman, I would be glad my child had LOVE in their life. If there was another woman who was in my childs life often enough to be called a step parent, I would do EVERYTHING I COULD to make sure that woman knew that I cared for her as a meaningful influence to that child.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR ANY STEP OR BIRTH PARENT that makes ONE MORE CHILD into a LOVING creature rather than a hateful one. This world has TOO MUCH HATRED.
This isn't about Birthright or step parents rights - it is about THE CHILDREN.
How do we make good people?
Well, look at the way we fight. Perhaps you will see why we don't make very many really GOOD people anymore.
BE THE BEAUTY YOU WANT TO SEE.

Not only does the OP have every right to be at pick-up, but she may also have the right to actually DO the picking up. Depends on the wording of the CO. BB used to refuse to let me pick SS up, to the point that she would see me driving the car and turn around and leave the pick-up spot. We went to court and the judge had language added to the CO that allowed me to pick SS up. She also really was not happy with BB. Just my story.

I find it laughable that these women think they have any sort of right to suggest that they do not want us SM in the car for drop-offs. Now that you know it winds her up, make sure you attend all of them and to wind her up even more, lavish loving comments and praises for your partner and child to her hearing. I would also advise that you take along, some sort of recording device so that you can get a picture of her being violent or abusive and you can even ask leading questions, just to get her irrationality on record, for future purposes.
We as SM's need to start giving as good as we get or else you will start getting depressed (mentally ill because of someone else?...NO!) and you will start taking out your resentment on your partner and your kids (what a horrible thought).

Being the Real 'You' should Always be Good Enough

Just because a woman pushes a child from their stomach does not mean they are owed the world. Or even owed their children for that matter. Not every step parent is out to get you, but too often BM's feel that way. There are good and bad step parents out there. There are those to push that child away because they never listen, and then there are those who take the time to work with the child to create some stability and comfort in their life. There are also good BM and bad BM. There are those who accept that there will always be another "mother" in their child's life, and there are those who will resist and make things difficult. But you know all you BMs who resist. All you BMs who try to turn your child against their step-mother and have to go to court every 6 months.. you... YOU are the ones messing up your children. Do you really think that's what is best for the child?? Or don't you ever think of your child?? Don't you think being civil and allowing the child to get their own opinion of their new parent rather than feeding their mind with lies and making their life as unstable as possible is doing more for your children?? Or are you so selfish that you can let go of the fact that there is another parent in your child's life? You are hurting yourself and hurting your children. I know that... because my SS's BM tells him all sorts of things about me. But guess what? He's starting to hate BM. He actually says (at 5) that he hates his stepmom. Why? Because she is telling him all these nasty things about a woman (me) that treats him so well. I am the one that feeds him. I am the one who washes his clothing. I am the one who bathes him. I am the one who reads him a bedtime story. I am the one who plays with him. I am the one who teaches him his abc's and how to spell and everything else. I am the one who lays with him in bed at night. I am the one he cries to when he has a bad day. It's my arms he jumps into when he gets home from school. I am the one who cuddles and watches movies with him at night. I am the one he cries for when he has a bad dream. It's me. And when you tell him that I'M a bad person. He knows better. So what you are doing is digging yourself into a hole. Because guess what. Children grow up. And whether they know it now or they don't know it until they are grown, they will know who was the good person. They will look back on you for all the trouble you caused and blame YOU. Or they will be in therapy as an adult and realize that all their problems stem from their BM. And guess what.. then it won't matter is you "gave birth". A REAL mom is one who takes care of their child and puts that child before anything. So stop being so technical on what a biological mother is.. because guess what.. as that child grows.. they will know who their real mother is and it's not always going to be you.

BTW.. my step son started calling me mom. I have never told him to call me that and no one else has. But guess who he looks to when he says that sacred word... ME!!

pick up and drop off. SCREW BM!

Let the Judge smack her around in court a little bit. I truly hope the BM actually puts this in front of a Judge. Even the dip shits in the stupid black robes that we have dealt with would chew her up and spit her out for that crap.

Best regards,

SS is now driving nbut for many years before he was driving, my husband picked him up because his ex was just as ignorant and we decided it was not worth the hassle.
Now that he is driving, he can drive to our house to see his father and me and my husband does not even need to go near his ex's house.

In the past she would sometimes ambush him when he was picking up his son, and many times he said I may have to pick him up and bail him out of jail as he left to pick up his son.
Sure am glad all thats over with... but what did help our situation is when she started dating, as she did not focus so much on my husband and him picking up his son. Seemed to be that the more single and not dating she was, the more she would hassle him.
She sucks and is a loud, rude woman who looks much older than her age due to constant tanning, smoking and drinking. She has low self esteem and anger issues. I'll be so glad in a few more years when my huisbands son turns 18 and we are legally done with that stupid crazy old hag.

In your situation, good luck to his ex trying to dictate who can be in the car for pickups, the judge will laugh his butt off at her attempts to control that ! She will look like a laughing stock, so tell her to go for it and take it to court, as she will look like the fool she is.

LOL. I think that everyone should be appreciative of anyone who treats their child well and does the best they can whether biologically related or not. I'm not asking for BM's to LOVE us SM's..quite frankly I don't give a damn if the bitch likes me or not...but they should at least have the decency to be SUPPORTIVE of their child's relationship with the SS. We don't take the place of BM's generally, we just help fill in the gaps sometimes.

BUT Im still interested to know who thinks SM's have some sort of right to be at the pick up/drop off? Well I guess MY situation is that if my fiance isn't off work, BM will take the kids to his work instead of our place where I'm already home? It's really stupid b/c HE'S AT WORK. either stay home and we'll come get him after he's off or just drop him off at our house...

Or how bout this, JUST FOLLOW THE DAMN RULES. That's what divorce papers are for right? Yes, some things have to be worked around, but for the most part they are a helpful guideline to provide stability...not so it's guesswork and ambiguity all the time! Stick to a damn schedule.

And as BM, I could care less about the woman who is in my child's father life making him happy. If he is happy, great for him! I dont interfere with my child's EOW and entire summer visits with him. I am sure that his GF is there to help out which is also great for BD. But me appreciative of this? NEVER. I am sure BD appreciates this and he should. HE.CHOSE.HER. And quite frankly, she is doing herself a favor by treating my son fairly because treating him any other way will get her booted right out of BDs life anyway.

As SM, same thing. I love my skids to pieces and would do anything for them just like I do my son. But I am pretty sure BM's only concern is that my DH takes care of the kids while they are with HIM. And whatever his support system is, she could care less about. And she shouldn't. She did not choose me for her kids SM so she has no reason to be grateful of my being kind to them.

Any SM who thinks BM owes her gratitude for treating her stepkids nicely is full of arrogance and is living her life with complete blinders.

Its not the wants of the exwife or even the wants of the children that I care about. I don't clean or cook for them. My husband takes care of the responsibilities of his children. What I do care about is what my husband asks of me. I would rather not ride four hours in a car only to be faced with hostility, but if my husband asked me to I would for him. I don't really care what anyone else wants. I married him, not his xwife or his kids.

I feel for you!having to deal witha Bm that is so petty and self centered and jelous of you that she no longer even wants you there when picking up the kids!! like where does she think they are going and who does she think they are going to spend time with!! is this woman completely stupid or what!!
Just leave her alone and be happy, it will piss her off even more!! Beside if you ignore her she'll just do something more stupid just to entertain you!!

If she gets any dumber she'll need to be watered!!LOL!! some people never cease to amaze me with their stupidity!!
Have fun!!

My dh's ex would also say i was 'interfering' HAHAHHAA...SHe is intimidated by you being there and this is why she doesn't want you in the car AND you can be a witness to how she is with your dh'.....Like you are watchign her behaviour. My dh's ex did these years ago when i was dating him, i never budged an inch . I came for every pick up and drop off and i brought a camera too just in case. My sd asked, why do you have a camera' i said, why not? Do you have a problem with that. She said nothing and mommy would nto step near the car.
SO, no court in HELL can order you not to be in the car. and in my situation i was paying and am still paying for that car. If she doesn't want me there, SHE cna drive 3 1/2 hours to bring those kids and back and waste the FN gas! And basically spewed that one early on to sd when she made a remark. I dont exactly remember but i remember saying, my car , you dont like , tough.
Do not take any crap from this woman
Personally i would never go pick them up or drop them off. Its my ddh's business...but if i feel like a country ride and to go to the farms for some shopping of fresh produce, its none of that woman business.

I have almost been in a similar situation. BM's loser bf wanted to stop me from going with DH to drop off the kids but supposedly BM changed his mind. I have every right to be there...if it means I have to sit in the car then so be it but I plan to go every single time. Although now she had SD tell us after she dropped them off back home today that when she (meaning the BM) calls us, that DH is to answer the phone! I couldn't believe that she thinks she can say who is or isn't allowed to answer my own phone. Which is all the more reason why I will answer the phone each and every time.

I say if your a good parent bio or Step, the child knows it. There are no secrets in a house with children, they know who talks crap, whos nasty whos hateful and who isnt. They know who is respectfull, kind, loveing and caring and who trully loves and cares for them. As they grow this knowledge is instilled in them and they carry it with them in their lives. Remember this all parents when you act an ass for no reason at all or talk about the other adults in your children's lives , hurting them because they love them. It doesent matter whether you like the new stepmama or stepdaddy..what matters is the child does, what matters is the child loves them. What matter is they will always remember each adults nastyness and stupidity and the only person that would be hurt is the child.

~Chrissie

Loving Wife to David, Mother and friend to Dannie, Lizzie, Stephie and Willie

BM once spent half an hour screaming at DH on the phone because she WANTED me to be at pick up. DH told her he was not going to bring me with him just so that she could scream at me, and BM told him "I wish you would" in a nasty little voice... LOL!!!

:O You can't let a BM dictate your life. If she has jealousy issues....then they are HER issues, not yours, your husband's or the kids. As long as you are there to accompany your husband and the kids and are not goading the EX, then let her stomp her feet, she'll just look bad to the judge.

My ex is a d*ck and his wife is a homewreaker but .. they r good to the kids to me that is all that matters once you have parted ways and settled the other mess.

I think you should make the dropoff and pickup without the BD, just to stick it up her ass. And if she refuses, have the Sheriff waiting with the court order that says she has to turn over the kids to BD/agent, and have her tossed in the pokey. That'll teach the bitch.

I'm going to respond to the original post. Your husband's ex-wife does not want you at drop off. From your descriptions, there have been multiple ugly scenes at drop-off and pick-up. Ask yourself why you would want to put yourself or the kids through that. You can still take the trip with your husband. Have him drop you off at a coffee shop a couple of blocks from the pick-up/drop-off location. Relax and drink a cup of coffee while he deals with his ex. Then take the trip back home with your family.

It's not about your "rights". It's about what is best for those kids. Is it really worth fighting it out in court? Seriously? You want the expense both financially and emotionally over something like this? Of course your lawyer is going to be willing to take this to court! It's more money for him!

I am a bio-mom and a custodial step-mom. My stepkids chose to live with us about two years ago. We did the visitation nightmare for years and years before they moved in with us. This is not a hill worth dying on. When you allow this trivial stuff to become an issue, you feed into the bio-mom's need for drama. Let it go. You'll be happier, your husband will be happier, and most importantly, the kids will be happier.

I understand the need to "win". I've been there. However, you'll only find peace when you decide to let this stuff go.

okay so in reverse, all step moms aren't evil child stealing psychopaths out to steal a woman's husband and take him for herself.

i'd rather pay child support than raise the little mo-fo's myself. they are self centered little brats! thank God they eventually grow up and go away!

I had the OPs problem also. Police,physical attacks etc.Court hearings you name it. We brought a video camera.We really didnt know if it was admissable but it made psycho BM SOMEWHAT stop some of the antics. Like you we both sat in the car minding our business.She would come out to the car and perform her antics.She scratched DH,made threats,would yank SD out of car etc. We showed her the camera and told her we are taping these drop off and pickups. When she realized that it wouldnt just be her "story" of us starting with her things calmed down somewhat.Not great mind you-still a struggle but not so off the wall.Every once in a while she would start again when we let our guards down but thats what worked for us anyway.

Good luck.Dont let her dictate where you can and cant be.She has zero rights. Thats what divorce is about.Thats why people should not take it lightly when they decide to divorce with children involved.Ive had friends say they wanted to leave DH because theyre bored or whatever(not talking about abuses or anything like that-thats different) and I always say please think about it first-you dont know what you are getting into.Try to make it work.BM loses some control of who is around the child and what that child does.Thats just the way it is.

I have also learned(just recently actually) that staying calm and not playing into the snippy comments and arguments makes her more insane!! Very difficult but well worth the reaction.LOL

I have and still deal with the BM not wanting me to be with my DH for the pick-up and drop-offs of my SD. This has been going on for a decade now.

First, you want to know if she has a right to say you can't be there...If you are being verbally or physically abusive towards her, threatening her bodily harm, on her property, or endangering her child, then YES she has a right to say you can't be there. She can either get a restraining order on you or have the judge order you not to come near her.

Now, if you are doing none of the above, just along for the ride to support your DH, not on her property, then NO she can NOT force you not to be there.

In my situation the BM tried to get the judge to order that I am not allowed to be with my DH during the pick-up and drop-offs. The judge told her that he would not order that. That whatever DH does during his time with the child is his choice. We also live 14hrs away(1-way) so its a very long drive to pick up my SD. There is no way I am going to miss out on that time with my DH and my SD. We really enjoy our long drives together. All of our kids enjoy it.
The BM has acted crazy during most of the pick-ups mainly focusing her anger on me while refusing to allow DH his time with his child. The cops have been called on occasions as well. We park in the street so we are not on her property. I stay in the vehicle until my SD comes out. Once she is to the vehicle I always get out and give her a big hug. I don't care if the BM hates this it's what I've always done and always will do. My SD is always so happy to see me that sometimes she's even crying and just clings to me. Of course, sometimes those tears are brought on by the horrible actions of her mother too. No matter what the BM says or does I never retaliate in anger(this sometimes takes a LOT of strength to do). I usually stay quiet or I will kindly ask her to please not do this in front of the kids. Once we are in the vehicle we tell SD we are so happy to see her and we are very sorry she had to see her mother act that way. Sometimes the BM will scream lies about me for my kids to hear. My young kids have learned to plug their ears with their fingers if she starts screaming. They don't even look her way since she pointed her middle finger at them before. Once we drive away everyone finally relaxes and we enjoy the long 14hr drive back home.

Ladies,Ladies now step back for a moment. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Think back. On the BM side, so you really want him back? There is a reason you split! On the SM side! There is a reason they split! Now the issue. STOP IT You are fucking your kids up!!!!
Yes he was a complete asshole and yes she was a frigid bitch. You obviously had the same feeling for ever how many kids you have. I had to deal with a SM mother who didn't know both parties could get along. I only hope she has sense changed. I am now a SP and wish BM would just calm down. I have the unique privilege of seeing from both sides. When one or the other can't see where the other is coming from or even try that is when the hell starts. "I wrote a lot from this point but deleted it all because sometimes what is the point. People thrive on confilk. If they focus on that they don't have to look to closely on their own life. It is now 3:32am and going to bed hoping SS have given up on snicking out for this weekend.

These are my thoughts on it.  I don't have a problem with my child's step mom which really isn't even her step mom because she's her dads girlfriend I've told her many times I'm glad she is in her life treats her well like her own and her family treats her like there own here is my problem the over stepping is my issue texting me saying what I can and can't do how I should raise her what I should teach her I can't dress her like this or that showing up to parent teacher conferences doctors visited siginf permission slips like she's the guardian those are the things I have issues with.  She puts her noise in our business it would be different if she just sat In the car or what not and he is trying to replace me with her he has said it a few years ago and I made it clear than as it is know it won't happen. But to her credit she does treat my daughter right and she was the one who finally last summer sat us down and said the drama needs to stop and we're all somewhat civil know