help?
Okay so i'm having this huge problem with my boyfriends ex wife. My boyfriend and I have known each other for almost 6 years but we had our seperate times. During that time, he got a women pregnant and married her. A couple years later we decide to start talking again. They decide to seperate after a while and then we decided to get back together. Now they're offically divorced and we now live together. Him and his ex have two twin daughter who are 3. We see them every wed night and one weekend of the month and more if the ex wants to go out. My problem is that my boyfriend and i plan on getting married in a few months and he'll be deployed to iraq in the beginning of june. His ex absoluting hates me. She wants nothing to do with me and wont let me see the girls while hes away. He'll be gone for a year and half and i have no idea what to do. I dont think i can do anything either. I've tried to be nice to her and tried to build some kind of relationship so i can see the girls while hes away and she flips out. She talks to my boyfriend and calls me every name in the book. She tells the girls not to like me, that im a bad person and im the reason that daddys not around anymore. Shes brainwashing the girls and im afriad when he comes back that they wont like me. She even emailed me and told me that i'll never be anything to the girls and that they dont like me and stop telling them that i'll take them places. I'm just crushed. I love those girls and they seem to like me when they're over here. We have alot fun. I dont know what to do. So any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
-Shawna
crap!
that's all that is, and even worse and I feel so sorry you because most likely once your boyfriend is gone..you will lose those girls until he comes back. You probably have it worse than any of us here, atleast we have our men with us to speak up to the bm. This is one of those times where the children will lose out for sure because without dad there for visits bm can and obviously intends to cut you out of the picture. Even when you are married your parental rights as a step mom are nil. I am so sorry for your situation. Is there any custody agreement in place, or can he request visitation for his parents if they are available....? Not trying to be sneaky, but the courts may respect grandparents rights more than yours..sad but true and it may take this to get around the bm. Atleast contact with the girls will happen...unless she denies that too. I would speak to someone about it though 18 months is a long time to be away from those you love.
such a difficult situation, re the brain washing...they are too young to get that stuff now, maybe if the worse comes and she succeeds in denying all access...you may have to stay away so the brainwashing goes as well...I can't say that I would have that patience myself though.
Grandparents
The loony one is right... get in touch with the paternal grandparents. You wouldn't want to sneak in during their visits with the girls, though, because then BM might withhold the kids from the grandparents in retaliation, but at least you can keep an eye on them from afar and maybe be updated about them. Maybe they can put in a good word for you with the girls. Even if you were married, you'd have no legal right to visitation with them in his absence, anyway.
But take heart, because they are so young! They probably are not absorbing anything she's telling them now. If they are anything like my daughter - turned four today! - they aren't even listening to 1/8th of what she tells them. And when he gets back from Iraq and gets to have them for visitation again, they will have to readjust to him all over again, as well as to you. Most, if any, of what she's telling them will be forgotten when you guys get to reestablish a physical presence in their lives. And you know, kids are very smart and they are also very visual. They are more likely to believe in what they see and experience for themselves over what someone tells them. Meaning, if they feel that they are loved by you, then anything to the contrary that they are told just won't add up.
Hang in there! It'll be a very long 18 months. One thing that helped me during my husband's deployments was keeping a little journal/scrapbook chronicling everything that happened during his absence. I included thoughts to him, thoughts to the kids, photos, newspaper clippings, etc. Just anything that was part of that experience. It's something I did in part for my kids, so that they would have it when they are older, but also something to help me fill in the time and feel connected to my husband while he was gone. Maybe you could do something similar, something to show the girls when they are older that you thought about them even though you weren't allowed to actively participate in their lives during this time.
Shawna, I wouldn't worry a whole lot about this right now. I'd just try to get through the deployment and then worry about access to the kids when he gets back. I think you'll find that they are young enough that nothing will have changed when you do see them again. In the meantime, you might be able to score bonus points with BM by keeping her posted during his deployment. My skids are older, so I always emailed them directly while their dad was gone, and they seemed to appreciate knowing where he was and what he was doing.
~ Anne ~
Proud wife of a retired US Marine
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)