Mum's the word???
I'm 43, never had any children, and I'm about to marry a 53 yr old man who has a 13 yr old daughter from his first marriage.
Anyway, my query is:
My step-daughter-to-be seems oblivious to the fact that her Dad provides her most everything she wants, at a financial strain.
Am I allowed to point out to the daughter that she needs to NOT tell(she doesn't really "ask") her Dad for everything under the sun, when she is here with us?
I find it rude. I've heard her Mom makes 4xs the salary of her Dad, so it appears to me that she is quite thoroughly indulged when she is with Mom.
Given all these priviledges she receives--it appears to me to be "expected" on her end, when here. I have to say, I haven't heard any please or thank you's issuing from her lips, to her Dad. Nor any chores being done, when she is here. Just wondering exactly how grateful or clued-in she is, to her Dad.
Let me know if it's at all my place to say...
Thanks!
Have you talked to your stb hubby?
I guess I don't really have enough info. Like how long you've been together, what place you play in stb SD's life etc.
It will depend on those factors somewhat... but I would mention it to your SO first and see what his take is on it...
It is what it is...
Been seriously involved for
Been seriously involved for about 2 years. Anyway, I just moved across the country to be here with him, a month ago. Asked me to marry him shortly thereafter. Prior, have not had but a handful of interactions with the soon-to-be-SD. We have her M,T,W every week. I've yet to meet her Mom, Step-Dad. Heard it was a very bitter split 6 years ago, involving lots of nasty legal wrangling, fighting. Yeah, the whole neighborhood's glad she's been gone--so they said at the annual neighborhood block party, and that's all I've heard since I've been here--is how they could hear word-for-word her screaming abusive alcoholic and non-alcoholic rages ringing through the streets. The pizza delivery services still have this address as a banned from delivery address, due to her mean and condescending nature. I found that out, trying to order a pizza--had to go pick it up. The neighbors said several local businesses have still banned her from shopping them, due to her ill tempers. Yeah, she's quite the lovely individual, so I've heard.
You can bet I was under very close scrutiny from his family--they wanted to be completely sure I wasn't a gold-digging, social climbing (fill-in-the blank with choice explicative) like she was/is.
Oh, btw--I'M NOTHING LIKE HER! Thank goodness!
I just don't want the SD to follow her lead, as you can see.
Thanks, tho, I do think you've a wise suggestion.
...my religion is kindness~ Dalai Lama
Remember
This is your life and your relationship too. You have every right to say whatever affects you both physically and financially. I have NO problem speaking my mind and I feel if you can't then there is something wrong with the relationship. It is a big red flag if BF is ever making you out to be the fall guy for his not wanting to say no to SD.
BTW paint away. I love the color red and since you are going to probably be the one spending the most time in the kitchen you should get to choose the color. You need to make that place yours now.
It sounds like more fault
It sounds like more fault lies with the dad for not correcting the bad manners. I have a SD the same age range and yes she is spoiled but knows not to expect itand does use her manners and appreciates that her dad does work very hard to give the kids so much stuff.I would talk with your fiancee about this first then if it comes to something SD tells you to get for her, don't do it if you feel it isn't appreciated.
There is no reaon where logic does not exist
Tough One
What a gray area. What I am reading is that you don't like the way your SD-to-be treats your fiance. OK - I understand that! My SD20 is rather disrespectful and demanding as well. She really would like to have life served to her on a platter. MY DH really seems to want to be the white knight.
MY DH and I are in our mid-forties, and we chose to keep our finances separate. So what he wants to spend on SD is his business, as long as he covers his portion of the household finances. We talk about SD and discuss, but it is his money and his kid. (SD20, preggo, living with us since she got preggo). This may not be my favorite solution, but since I closed my wallet, it is what it is... (Thanks ittakestwo...)
I recommend you have a bit of a talk about finances with your fiance. This should include when and how money is spent on SD. Are you combining your cash? IF so - then you have every right to be in the decision process about what is spent on SD. IF not - then you might be where I think I am - his money, his decision. My requirement is he pays his piece for our home.
I have bought things for SD, but the requests and suggestions never stop. Also, when I buy a thing, it is rarely "good enough". So - mostly I don't.
It is a tough place to be, but I'd say start by talking to your fiance.