Need advice: have you been in this situation?
My ss visits us every other weekend for the past 4+ years. He lives 3 hours away with his mother. He is 8 years old and is very disrespectful to both myself and my husband. I've spent most of the last year "away" when he visits eow because his horrible behavior turns our home upsidedown and creates so much tension.
I am currently 24 weeks pregnant. We haven't told ss. I don't want to be hurt by his reaction and I don't want to deal with the backlash of his bio-mom knowing and causing problems. She has a long history of making everything her business,needing to control everything...she is a huge drama queen. I haven't dealt with her or spoken to her in over a year, best decision I ever made!
I know we have to tell him at some point even though I really don't want to. I'd appreciate any advice anyone could offer. If you have experienced something similar, please share your experience. Thanks.
Suburban mama
WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!
If you are concerned about the BM causing problems, then I say wait as long as humanly possible to tell either her or SS. We made the mistake of telling the skids as soon as we found out I was pregnant. This was on a Friday. By Monday, the BM had been to her lawyer to start a lawsuit against DH for more CS. Her rationale was that if he can afford to have a baby with me, then he can sure as hell afford to send her more money for her kids. (She was already getting more than the state guidelines amount!) It was a long, horrible pregnancy and I ended up in the hospital more than once due to high blood pressure, stress, etc. What should have been a loving, bonding and happy experience for our family was totally ruined by her. We always said if we had another one, we wouldn't tell her OR the skids until after the baby was born.
~ Anne ~
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Thanks Anne for your reply :)
What happened to you is exactly what I'm afraid of. Whenever bio-mom gets upset, it's off to court she goes. I've miscarried twice and we told ss the first time I got pregnant and bio-mom freaked out, moved and broke up with her boyfriend, started sending my husband emails ect. I'm sure the stress/worry of her contributed to my miscarriage.
This time around my pregnancy has gone very well, and I fear that changing the minute ss finds out and tells bio-mom.
My husband keeps asking me when are going to tell ss. What can I say to him to get him to understand what a mistake that would be at this point?
Surburban mama
Well, you have history on
Well, you have history on your side. I would tell DH that considering your history of two miscarriages and a BM that doesn't handle pregnancy news very well, that you think it is in the best interests of your pregnancy, yourself and your new baby that BM doesn't know until after the baby is born. Don't even mention SS until DH brings it up. Then you say that you're sorry SS's mother has made this necessary, but that for the sake of your pregnancy, you must avoid the kind of stress that she would bring on you if she knew. You tell him that you would LOOOOOOVE to tell SS, but since there's no way to tell him without BM finding out, that it will just have to wait. (Sniff, sniff.) You have to play the game a little. He'll think SS is being left out, so that will be HIS focus. You just have to let him know SS is NOT the focus, that BM is the reason you don't want him to know, nothing at all against SS. Having been there, I think you have to avoid her knowing until the very last possible moment. If she's the kind of BM that would launch a campaign to ruin your life and your pregnancy, then I think for your own safety, you have to keep her in the dark.
~ Anne ~
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Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!
tonight I will talk to Dh about this
I need to protect myself, our baby, and our family.
Yes, SS might feel left out, as I'm sure he does most things in life. But unfortunately that is because of his mother, and there is nothing my husband nor I can about that for him. It's something he will have to deal with his whole life, and we can't play ignorant to it because we'd like it to be different. Reality is what it is.
Thanks again Anne.
Surburban mama
I wouldn't tell him
Make him think you are just gaining weight. You don't need all of that stress. He will eventually know but you need to get beyond the danger of miscarrying. That is your number 1 priority in my humble opinion. BM can just pitch her fits later. DH should get a grip on this child and let him know his behavior is not tolerated but who am I to tell you this. I am dealing with the same BS with DH not wanting to get a grip on his kids. Congrats on you baby!!!! That is wonderful news. Enjoy your pregnancy!!! Don't let anyone steal your joy. This is a special time for you.
Thanks Cruella for your support!
Yes, I'd very much like to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy, it is going very well this time around. I don't need to stress of wondering when the other shoe will drop and bio-mom serves my husband with court papers if she finds out. That is all that will be on my mind!
Dh getting "a grip" on his kid is a fairly far fetched idea, I've given up on the hope entirely and just more or less leave eow. The kid is too out of control, and is here only 4 days/mo, and of course Dh wants to enjoy his child at least some while he's here, which lends to very little obeying since asking something of ss that he doesn't want ruins the entire visit. I can't handle the disfunction, so I just stay away best I can.
Surburban mama
That is your home too.
Everyone IS right about NOT telling your SS, until the very last possible minute. BM made my life a living hell! She even went so far as to call the delivery room to "pray" for me, and to "offer" to babysit!!! I swear that woman has more balls than most of the men I know,INCLUDING MY HUSBAND!She kept up her evil darts.My son was only 2 months old when my Mother passed away suddenly,I was already dealing with POST-PARTUM Depression,and the day my mother died was the day the Doctor put me on Anti-Depressants.Yes, I blame the BM for all the stress. I will ALWAYS wonder if she is the reason I had Post-Partum Depression.I can't do anything about how she raised her kids, but I'll be damned if she ever gets near my son.
So do yourself a favor, hold off as long as possible. You NEED this time to yourself and husband.
hangingin
Anne is right
I had a miserable pregnancy because of the BM. She threatened us, harrassed us, and generally made a pest of herself the whole time. It was a difficult pregnancy and I bled through the whole thing, I thought for sure I would miscarry. I've never hated anyone the way I hate her, and I know a big part of it is because she turned what should have been a joyous time for us into a nightmare. I haven't found it my heart yet to forgive her.
As for telling the SS, I would wait until the end. Even my own BS had trouble with me being pregnant because he had been an only child for so long. It wasn't until well after my 2nd BS was born that the two of them bonded. My SD on the other hand is vindictive and cruel to both of my BS's. Good luck, and let us know how it goes. You have my prayers for continued good health of the baby.
how do you think ss will react if we wait?
I know this is going to be my husbands concern. How would you suggest I try and eliminate his concern that ss will feel left out?
suburban mama
I would Tell Him
You wanted to wait be sure you didn't miscarry before you told him and got him all excited. Does he know about the previous miscarriages?
Yeah, I suppose that would
Yeah, I suppose that would work, but up to what point? can we use that excuse till after the baby is born? yes, he knows about the first miscarriage, we just told him that we "lost" the baby, that it didn't grow (how do you explain to a 7 year old?) He took it fine, never mentioned anything about it ever, and never had any questions. We didn't tell him about the second pregnancy or miscarriage.
That is a tough one
You want to tell him before it is obvious so he doesn't feel left out. Put it this way at least in my state it would take a couple of months to get a court date so if BM tries to get a raise in CS then wait until the last moment to break it to SS. That way by the time the baby is here if she does take you guys back to court you should be able to get a child credit toward your DH's support. If it is a visitation issue then it would be pretty obvious why BM is taking you back to court.
We have a BM that is just as nuts. Even without a child together DH and I are always expecting something our way court wise.
Let me know
Let me know how long you can go without telling him! (I WOULDN'T IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO). I may be dealing with this soon. DH and I are going to try and have a baby and I've decided to wait until the last possible minute b/c my two SD's BM is a nutcase. I'm not sure how long that will be though because the SD's live with us and the oldest is nearly 11 so she'll figure it out! LOL!
Since you aren't around during the visitation I wouldn't tell. You have been through a lot to have this baby and nothing should take away from this experience. Good luck and congrats
I am now 4 weeks from due
I am now 4 weeks from due date and didn't let BM find out til I was 6 months since during my first pregnancy she went completey psycho- this time I played it as I was just finally fulfilling her dream and becoming fat- even got a shirt that says- does this shirt make me look fat? It has been so much easier this time and left BM with little time to try to cause stress to us, or any other crazy thing that runs through her head.
There is no reason where logic does not exist
Thanks for sharing your experience luvdagirl
I talked to my husband tonight and it looks like (for now) we won't be telling ss till Novemeber at the earliest. I'll be 7+ months along then.
Suburban mom
Funny how people react differently?
My son is 22 months and we were a little afraid but decided that we would let SS know and he of course would tell BM and that while I was pregnant if she wouldn't let us see SS we would just let it go and not see SS until after the baby was born, not seeing SS was of course worst case scenario but we braced ourselves..Funny she went completely the opposite way, she let SS come when ever he wanted and then when baby was born we started planning our wedding, bracing ourselves for disaster again, we were going to keep it a secret, we planned our wedding around our weekend to have SS and weren't going to tell either of them.
About a month before the wedding we decided she would go off her nut if we didn't say anything as the rellies had to bring him back to her b/c we were on our honeymoon, so we tell her and SS says he is allowed to come. DH calls 3 days before the wedding to check that all is ok and she tells SS to ask dad if he wants her to buy him a new outfit or get his hair cut?? WTF?? We said that we had it all under control with clothes and what not but thanked her and hung up somewhat dumbfounded..LOL..just goes to show you never know with crazy people..Heheh
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Lucky for you!
Funny how we brace ourselves for the worst, huh? I really hope we get the response you did! not counting on it though, since she freaked out the first time she knew I was expecting.
How far along were you when you told SS?
Suburban mama
Last night...
fiance and I were talking about our upcoming wedding in 5 months and he said that he couldn't wait to have a baby with me. I said that I couldn't wait either. I am a bit scared because it will be my first time trying and I will probably be nervous whener we decide to have a baby. But I am actually more nervous because I think that we are going to get more drama for both skids and BM. BM is remarried and has two new children but for some reason what she does doesn't matter and all the focus is on us. From what I read here it does get worse when a new baby is involved. I am so terrified of our situation that I am being silly and paranoid by worrying ahead of time. thanks ladies.
Oh, I remember the day....
That BB found out I was preggers 7 years ago! I would ask DH when we were going to tell SS, but he wanted to put it off as long as possible. At first it irked me, as I don't like being dishonest. But then I realized his motives-to keep her from flipping the hell out. Finally after 7 1/2 months, it was pretty obvious that I wasn't just getting fat, she came over to pick up SS. When I opened the door, she shoved a paper bag in my hand and said,"here is a present for the new baby." I was like WTF??? It was an old baby toy that had once belonged to SS. It was then that we all sat down together and told SS about his new brother. It actually didn't go as bad as we had anticipated, except for the whole "gift giving" thing. Which was done out of spite. She was more or less hurt that we didn't tell her sooner. This was a woman who had always threatened DH with never seeing his son again. Boy did she change her tune. Then it was "you are still going to take care of SS right?" She even called me while I was in the hospital, came up there to visit w/SS! I was kinda weirded out b/c she was actually being nice for awhile; albeit short lived-she TRIED to be a good sport. I hope everything goes well for you guys when it comes time to tell them about the baby! GOOD LUCK!!!
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha
Oh MY! she came to the
Oh MY! she came to the hospital? oh god. puke.
Yeah, ss's bio-mom might fake being nice 'temporarily' so she doesn't look bad. I NEVER see her (I quit going to pick-ups/drop off's for over a year now) so she won't see me grow at all. I'm not around ss much the 4 days he is here each month anyhow, I don't think at his age he's really paying that close attention to my figure and it's getting cold now where we live so I can kind of cover myself up pretty good.
Dh last night said he didn't mind waiting to tell ss till NOV, but I'm going to see if I can't push it back till DEC when I'm 36 weeks. That won't give bio-mom time enough to get us into court before the birth.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
Surburban mama
We told SS straight away
As really, she is the least of my worries, we just don't let her bug us. It worries me how SS feels, but she spends enough time worrying about her, she doesn't need me doing that for her!! If you decide together that she is not going to bug you then thats how it will stay. You need to talk with DH decide what you will and won't except and if that means you going off with friends or family when SS is there then so be it, but I would be telling SS and Dh that no stress will be tolerated while you are pregnant (or ever if you ask me)and that should SS cause stress he will sent home to mama. This is not a game for SS or BM this is human life at stake, tell them - be nice or buzz off!
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*