Issues with integrating

Forums:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He has been separated from his wife for approximately 2 years and is beginning the process of negotiating their divorce/custody arrangement. He has two young children. My boyfriend and I live together at my apartment when he doesn't have the children. When he has the children they stay at his apartment and I stay at my apartment.

There are a couple of problems that are keeping me from being comfortable in our situation. First, my boyfriend has told his parents that he has a girlfriend, but they disapprove of his decision to get divorced. When his parents call him he doesn't tell them that he is with me and instead I hear him saying ambiguous things that indicate that he is alone. It makes me feel like he is embarrassed about my existance in his life.

Second, my boyfriend is slowing introducing me to the children because he is very worried that his ex will be upset about the fact that he has a girlfriend and he is concerned that it will influence the custody negotiations. Our encounters are always in group settings so that the children don't single me out as a "girlfriend" to their mother. I agree that this is a real concern and have no problem staying in the background while the negotiations go on. However, I believe that I should have the opportunity to weigh in on the other participants in these group outings, and that I should be able to veto people who I am not comfortable around because I want to be relaxed and comfortable when interacting with the children. My boyfriend thinks this is unreasonable, and he wants as many people as possible to attend to deflect the children from recognizing me as a special person in his life.

Finally, my boyfriend thinks that it is ok for him to take his children to brunch with his single female friend because she is not a threat to his ex-wife. He is not comfortable going to brunch with me and the kids. This is very upsetting to me, and he thinks that it doesn't make sense that it bothers me.

It would be great to know if people think I am overreacting, or out of line. I feel like my boyfriend isn't understanding how hard this is for me, and I am really suffering and trying to make sense of everything.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

sorry

but he isn't emotionally ready for you. he's not ready to admit his marriage is over. he's not ready to admit that he's met someone new. he's not ready to welcome you into his life. he's keeping you in the dark and hoping you'll stay until he gets the courage to make a new commitment. this is sad for you. to not share you with his children is making a statement about how he feels about you. don't let him fool you and confuse you. you're smarter than that. tell him: honey, it's obvious you're not ready and i'm insulted that you're keeping me a secret. call me when you clean up your messy life. and if i'm still available, i'll be willing to listen.

Oh my gosh!

This is a huge red flag sweetie. He is NOT ready (nor are his "young" children) for a real relationship. Don't settle for being a part time honey. It will only get more difficult.

I agree with everyone

you should be important to him and the way he is acting would make me thing you are a second class citizens, these are BIG red flags MICH I am sorry but you better straighten this out with him or move on, cuz I dont think it will get better

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

The thing is, I see him

The thing is, I see him making progress and bringing the divorce forward. I know that he loves me and I love him -- have absolutely no doubt about that. I'm ok with being "behind" the children in the line, I suspect that when I have my own kids they will trump all, too. My issue is more with whether I am being unreasonable for being upset about the brunches with female friends, his lack of understanding for my desire to select who participates in groups so that I'm comfortable, etc.

you are being very reasonable

I think you have every right to be upset and he should take your feelings into consideration and at least try to understand your point of view.

I mean ultimately he will be spending his life you - everything you say and feel is MEANINGFUL!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

thanks, sai deschain.

thanks, sai deschain. honestly, i think this is ALL i really want him to realize... seems like he gets so wrapped up in fighting with his ex, custody plans and challenges, and i fade away. i know that is what i signed up for -- believe me, i know it -- but i wish he would just look at it all from above sometimes and see how much it hurts that he can't understand my side...

Oh my gosh!

I am trying to help here sweetie. I know that your question was regarding the brunches with the females, but you are asking the wrong questions here.

"I suspect that when I have my own kids they will trump all"---NO, they might take second to his first set of kids sweetie.

Please read as many blogs on this site as you can.

Love, is not enough. Your future children's happiness depends on the decisions you make today.

(& yes, he should consider your feelings about "girl" friends! You are absolutely right.)

and the ex

if he is worried about her reactions now (and not just because of the pending divorce) he will ALWAYS worry about them.
the ex will be in your life forever....

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

thanks, angel. actually i

thanks, angel. actually i meant that when i have my own kids i bet they will trump all in my own mind (so i understand why he does that with his kids)...

what is amazing to me is that we will be on a path for months, moving forward and doing great and really happy, and then suddenly -- seemingly out of the blue -- everything falters, or reverts... did this happen to you in your relationships? argh.

crayon, ha, I am doing yoga

crayon, ha, I am doing yoga EVERY day. it is amazing how much it is helping me.

i truly, truly do not know what to do. i read the posts and i know that there is a massive pile of suffering ahead. I also know that i love this man -- way more than any other before -- and that is a truly a good, loving, smart, generous person...and I can't see my life without him. If I told him that I need him to walk away for a while he would be crushed, but he'd do it.

Difficult situation

I think that anyone in your situation would be upset by this... I know I sure would be. But I also realize that he's not in a very good situation either & from your POV you need to have an incredible amount of patience. I don't think divorce is ever easy, (I've witnessed plenty of it) especially with kids involved (and parents too?!!). One of my rules about dating is that I don't date anyone who is seperated. He has to at least be completely divorced. I don't have the patience to deal with such situations. Life is difficult enough. Let him deal with the negotiations & get it finalized. Then see if it still works out, if you still want to give it a try by then.

Hipi

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

Thanks Hipi. I wish I'd

Thanks Hipi. I wish I'd waited. Now, his stuff is sprawled across my apartment, he is totally entrenched in my life but...we are also in love. So, what do you do? Patience, defintitely. I am working on it, and getting more every day. If he looked at my situation and acknowledged it and could see WHY it would bother me that he has female friends spending time one-on-one with his kids, it would be SO much easier for me. He just...can't.

Step is hard enough

I feel for you Mich.

I made the mistake of getting involved with my Dh when we were both working on divorces with our exes. He had been separated for about a year and I for almost two. A serious relationship was the very last thing on my mind and I did not expect to fall in love. *sigh*

Please listen carefully to the experiences of the wonderfull ladies on this sight. Step is NOT easy. The ex and the skids will be a large part of your life for a long time. If he is concerned about her feelings now, don't expect that to change any time soon. You will feel second to the kids and the ex. If you end up living together, sometimes you will feel out of place or like you do not belong in your own home. You may even feel like your life isn't even under your own control. Sadly, some of these feelings intensify, rather than diminish, with time.

There are times I wish I would of waited untill he was divorced before we let our relationship become so serious. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my decision at all. My Dh is a super guy and I love him very much, but this had really put a terrifc strain on things. There are things that I wish I would of handled differently from the beginning but I had never dealt with this sort of situation before and was ill-prepared. It is hard to go back and change what you just stood back and accepted before.

Make sure you do not allow yourself to become lost in all of this.

Georgie

Georgie, thanks.

Were there times when he just seemed so overwhelmed that he was unable to see how tough it was on you? I honestly believe that he is a good guy, I have known him for a very long time, I know that it kills him to be apart from his kids and that he truly loves me, too. I already feel like I don't control my life. I already feel second to kids and the ex. I am just wishing he could SEE this, and be sympathetic and considerate.

kick him the curb and save yourself

you're siging up for a life of heartache. if he's brunching with OTHER single women, you're a back up plan, a side dish. he's still considering his options. don't lie to yourself. and if you continue seeing him anyway, you'll only have yourself to blame when you're under the same roof, putting up with snarly and disrepsectful teenagers fielding nasty phone calls from his ex while he continues to 'brunch' with other single women. only this time, you're taking care of his mess at home while he's out.

He is

treating you with such disrespect----don't let him. He is getting free sex from you & then dis's you & considers the x wife's feelings over yours???? Then prefers to take out other women with his kids?

And you are questioning what sweetie? HE IS NOT READY FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIPHE IS NOT READY FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIPHE IS NOT READY FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIPHE IS NOT READY FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIPHE IS NOT READY FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIPHE IS NOT READY FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIPHE IS NOT READY FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIP

runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

He is

runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

You are here

Issues with integrating