Can't Show Affection...
I love this site b/c I always get such honest feedback. Here's the thing....long story short:
- After four years of knowing my SS, I cannot be affectionate with him. I have no kids of my own, but have no problem being affectionate towards neices, nephews and even kids on my DH's side.
- I have a tendency to get annoyed at the littlest things my SS does such as: stare at me CONSTANTLY and talk (I know- but he;s freaking 10 and still uses this soft baby voice that drives me insane!!).
- Begin to get depressed on days I know SS will be coming
- Recently, we found out SS tried to steal a keychain out of a jewelry store. About 2 weeks prior to this incident, while staying at a friends house, 10 yr old SS decided to walk out and walk up to a bball court by himself without telling anyone. No one knew where he was for hours!! After these incidences, I've been plagued with an overwhelming sense of dread for the years to come. I've also been thinking more about having my own kids. I don't know...I feel like his behavior is only going to get worse and my life is going to be a living hell because of him...
these things are heartbreaking to me b/c I don't understand where these feelings come from. I want to be a better stepmom but feel as long as these feelings are present, I will never be happy being a stepmom to this child.
My history: 31yrs old small business owner; adopted at 10 mos old; parents divorced when I was 4 years old; married 6 months (together for 4 yrs); met DH when he was separated; DH initially lied about his marital status; found out from ex-wife (long story); forgave DH; BM is igonorant and dense; BM is now working on move-in boyfriend #3 since the separation; BM is unemployed and always asking for stuff; DH and I are best friends and so incredible happy except when SS is around.
Please help me...
wow
It sounds like you have alot on your plate, so to speak, I can relate to you on alot of points here, was in a similar situation myself, and I will tell you this.....being adopted, (believe it or not) and the way you and DH started out in your relationship has alot to do w/ your bonding issues. As an adopted person myself, it makes it hard for you physcologicly, to bond with people in general. I was also a child of divorce, that sets up more issues in the trust, and security areas, and then ,I am also divorced myself.......met a wonderful man, and got re-married, but things w/ his EX were more of a mess than I was let on.I was not told what was really going on either. My DH has 2 kids in their teens now, but when I met SS , he was only 11, and he cried at the drop of a hat, and had other "habits". I tried to "bond" with them both, and after 3 years, I realize that just being on the sidelines is enough. I will no longer push for anything that is not there naturally.If you are not happy, you need to talk to your DH about your feelings, as hard as that can be, at least he's getting honesty from you. You may even be surprised at his understanding, If you are best friends, and have a strong relationship....talking this out and divising some sort of plan to work through this would help. And don't beat yourself up to much about how you feel....being a stepmom can be a tough job, sometimes harder than being a bio-mom,(also one of those too, just not crazy)
I hope this helps...you r not alone in how you feel. ~"Resist all the urges.... that make you want to go out and kill." ~ Chel.
Thank you...
It's quite a relief to know that I am not alone. I will think about how to approach DH with this. I don't want to hurt his feelings but you're right, we need to address it.
I appreciate your insight- thank you!
Alexis G.
My apologies...
I keep reading your post over and over again. Your insight on the adoption/divorce is something that I have NEVER thought about! I'm currently searching for my BM but I have never related/connected past life events to my current situation. Wow! In a strange way, sometimes I feel like I have to share my DH. Now that I reflect, these feelings are almost analogous to how I felt spending time with my adopted father and his GF's fmailies. My father spent more time with GF's kids than me and I hated sharing him. I need to learn how to best use this insight. I feel like I still want my DH all to myself, but this is not healthy.
Thank you for your feedback. I feel this may be something worth digging into deeper...
Alexis G.
You're not alone
Funny you mention the affection towards all other kids except SS...I was the same way, kinda still am, but it's gotten a *little* better. You'd think that a kid is a kid right? But as a stepmom, that's not really the case. Your SS hold significant meaning...maybe it's my negative thinking, but SS holds A LOT more than just a kid. It's proof that your DH had an intimate moment with another woman, and you have to deal with it. Iknow all about the depression before visitation weekend. I posted something about that about a month ago. I used to get sick. BM would call a few days before visitation, she'd try to get DH to drop by her house after picking up SD from school to pick up her clothes (after we spoke about this, DH told BM that SD has her own clothes here, etc). We had to pay for them, but it was peace of mind for me. Yup, the baby voice bugs me too. SD 11 (almost 12) will sometimes do it. Sometimes I'll tell her she's not a baby anymore or react how she wants me to react (giving into her baby voice), then she'll stop. Baby voice doesn't work on DH either...so the baby voice thing is a kid being a kid.
Can you truly say you accept SS? Can you truly not resent DH (inside) for being stupid and knocking some other woman up? It's been four years for me. I've dated DH for ten...but SD didnt' come into our lives until BM found out we moved in together, took DH to court, and DH finally got visitation. Prior to that, BM would try to use SD to see DH...she would pretty much use SD as a reel to pull/push DH in/out of their/her life. She probably thought he'd always be there waiting for her...nope. So, after all that, I'm slowly still accepting SD (maybe 60% there?). I realized that I can stand SD in moderation, but can't really stand BM. I still resent DH for being stupid and knocking her up, but it's getting better. I'm pregnant, so I try to not think about the past.
Bottom line, your feelings are normal
It's funny you mention 'moderation'...
During the school year we have SS every other weekend. During the summer we have him every other week (7 days). This past summer, right before and during the visits I'd become extremely depressed and DH and I would get into silly arguments. We had a long convo and I expressed to him that SS has me so stressed by the end of the week, my body is starting to physically react (headaches, muscle aches, teeth grinding, etc) by the middle of the visit. May I ask how you handle visits now? lately, I've been trying to make myself as scarce as possible...saving all my errands up for visit weekends. But I feel this may be just an avoidance tactic...
Alexis G.
This is a tough one.
Personally things have gotten better for me but it's only been a couple times that I've been immersed with FSS for more than 3 days. You really have to make sure you have your own time. I am seldom left alone with FSS and really if I feel like I need my own space, I take it. Lately I've enjoyed his company more but I think that that has been helped by having my own space.
Make a point of planning some things away from SS. Make plans with friends, take up a new hobby, volunteer for something.
I also wonder what DH's role is here, how active is he with his son when he is with him? Does he have something special that he does with his son? My FH does. I have a choice to participate or not, and either way, I feel better about FSS.
My FSS is very chatty too but I have come to appreciate that he is also pretty witty... but sometimes I still need my space. You don't automatically have affection for a child that ultimately isn't yours. But given time and POSITIVE experiences, you can build it.
Good luck!
you are not alone at all
I have the same feelings and I have a feeling they'll never change. After this weekend finding out that he has told BM lies about me that I'm mean to him and am abusive to him, I find it hard to even like the kid. I have honestly tried and tried to get along with FSS and nothing works. I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm not going to try anymore..he doesn't like me and probably never will but if he's going to be visiting in my house he will follow our rules and he will respect his father and I both, and if he doesn't like it he doesn't need to visit here anymore. I've literally had it with this whole situation and I'm sick of the excuses of why he does the things he does. I don't condone bad behavior because someone is having adjustment problems. My daughter had adjustment problems and didn't get away with any of it and has ended up adjusting great! FSS on the other hand has a pity party going on from everyone around him so he feels no need to start acting like a big kid...
Let's see...
A 10 year old that talks in a baby voice...
He stares at you...
He has run off without telling anyone & frightened everyone.
He has stolen & he's only 10.
Adolescence is on it's way.
You're anxious. This kid brings up bad feelings in you because of it. It's no wonder you feel the way you do. That would drive me up the wall too. I suggest reading up on how to deal with controlling people, because he only does that to control others. Good luck!
Cajun Lady
wandering off without telling anyone
yeah, my FSS has done that a couple times. I am inclined to think he's grown out of that but one never knows. It's up to DH to correct that sort of thing, not you. He also has been known to raid the pantry in search of candy but we pretty much leave it bare of stuff like that now. I think it's sorta better for everyone not to have too much sugar anyway. I haven't known him to shoplift though.
As far as staring is concerned, he's trying to get your attention. My FSS draws a comic book that he's created and he is always adding to it and wants me, and everyone else to read it immediately after he's finished a page or some gag. Yesterday, I made a point of saying, "I'll read this AFTER breakfast when I can give it my undivided attention." After breakfast I read it and my god, it's hilarious! He's really quite talented. He complained that FH didn't laugh as much at it as I did. So I asked him, "Was he trying to do something else while he was reading it?" The answer was yes. So I told FH, "You should re-read this, really, it's that good." When he was done with his BREAKFAST he did, and yes, he laughed a lot more than the 1st time around.
He's just 10 and he might be trying to please you but just doesn't know how. I would tell him to please not talk in that baby voice because it is annoying. You might have to repeat that a lot but if DH backs you up, it will eventually sink in. Of course he's trying to control things, we all do somewhat, it's a matter of finding the proper boundaries and making them work.
and another thing
You say that BM does not work? Perhaps she has gotten SS used to the idea of having an adult female figure around to listen to him talk all day, stare at her and generally just be a constant presence. I could be wrong about this, but you need to make this kid understand when he is annoying you, maybe just one step at a time. I'd start with, "please don't talk like a baby to me" before "please stop staring at me constantly," but that's just me.
He will benefit in the long run once you put your foot down.
oh gawd me too
my FH has a 11 y/o BS that I just can not get close too, maybe it does have to do with him looking so much like the BM, although he does not act like her, thank goodness, I think it is that he is treated like such a baby. I know that boys at his age, dont want to shower or have great personal hygene but why is it ok to just let it go?
I mean I raised two boys and I had a hard time getting them in the shower and brushing their hair and teeth, but they went back into the bathroom till it was done..
if a kid has crazy hair then why let them grow it long if they dont want to take care of it?
why let them lay around all weekend and play halo, and not make them responsible for themselves ESPECIALLY if they are over weight!!
I feel bad that I cant warm up to this kid I do, but I have stopped beating myself up about it and try to not let it get to me...not the mommy not the mommy.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”