Seating arrangements
Just a little thing I have been trying to decide. Our table seats four people. Now that BD1 is no longer in a high chair (she's in a booster in a regular chair), there is not room for SD at the table when we eat dinner. I personally do not see this as a problem because SD does not eat with us. Last night she watched TV on the couch while we ate dinner. SD doesn't like what I cook most days and so will not eat it (so her dad feels bad about her being hungry or not included). She either eats something of her liking before my husband gets home or waits until later to eat. (Either way, husband thinks she's going hungry or not eating.)
He brought the topic up once and I said, "Well, doesn't this table have a leaf?" (It does.) He hasn't installed the leaf, so I have not bothered with it. My question is: Should I be doing anything about this? I don't want to exclude SD, but she excludes herself on purpose. If she does eat with us (two days ago), she eats as fast as she can and leaves the room, so she's only there like five minutes top. I usually haven't finished serving my two BDs and getting my own plate by then.
no
Don't do a thing, just disengage on this one, make sure you and your little ones have your nice dinner together, (something I personally instilled in my kids; we eat at the table together), and let DH make sure his D eats, and if he wants her at the table, let him get her there. It's not up to you, you have to feed your own, you don't have time to beg her to the table. ~"Resist all the urges.... that make you want to go out and kill." ~ Chel.
I think it is *very* sad
I think it is *very* sad that your sd eats alone or not at all. I would feel terrible if my sd didn't feel like she could eat at the table with the family (or didn't want to). I personally feel like you should do everything in your power to help her feel welcome at the table. Yes, make a place for her. Let her buy a cute table mat that goes at her chair. Have her help you set the table. Let her choose the main course one night that she's there. Have her help you cook dinner. She will resist at first because she obviously feels unwelcome and is going to act out. But consistent behavior on your part will win her over a little at a time. I would not allow her to eat something else, or at a different time. Dinner time around the table is such a special thing, and she should be there, even if you have to force it for awhile!!
Thanks, I don't disagree
Unfortunately, I have no support from my husband and so cannot institute any changes in our household. He thinks if SD15 doesn't want to eat what I make or eat with us, that is fine. When she does eat with us (two nights ago), she spends the whole time making snide comments to my husband and ignoring BDs4 and 1. I disengage. I am not allowed to ask her to do chores (set the table). Husband has asked her multiple times to make a list of the foods she likes, but she won't. We have tried. She thinks if she makes us miserable enough we will let her go live with BM. Well, it's working!
Personally, I would never,
Personally, I would never, ever be able to accept a marital relationship in which I had no ability to institute changes in my household. Why do you put up with it? Seriously, you are an adult in the home, and you are a parent in the home, so why doesn't your husband fully support your having authority to act as such?? If I were in your shoes, I would put my foot down, even if it meant jeopardizing my marriage. If you call your husband's bluff in such a way that you come across as a concerned parent looking out for the well being of your children (ALL of them), if he can't belly up to the bar then I would think long and hard. It is majorly disrespectful for a man to expect a woman to come into his life and the life of his children and then say, "you have no say" in what goes on. That is WRONG on every level. Stand up for yourself! Seriously, don't do it in front of the kids, but stand up for yourself!!! Not only will your life be better, but the lives of your kids (and sd) will be better!
Again, I don't disagree
Want to come to my house and tell that to my husband?
We went to counseling, and the counselor quickly determined that about 95 percent of our fights have to do with SD15. (We have been married since she was 8, dating since she was 5.) Husband refuses to discipline her, and I didn't appreciate that. Anyway, counselor said the only way our marriage was going to survive was if my husband accepted ALL responsibility for SD. That meant he gets to call the shots but also that he hold her accountable for her actions.
He embraced the first part (him calling the shots) with a vengeance but conveniently let the second part (discipline when appropriate) go by the wayside. However, one positive is that I not longer do ANYTHING for SD. I tried for years and years. Treated her just like I treat my BDs. Both SD and husband thought that was "mean." Whatever.
So, I agree, I should be able to have a say. But if that say came with being more involved in SD's life, it would not be worth the tradeoff. I can honestly tell you that the only people who are related to her who even "tolerate" her are BM and husband (and maternal grandma to some extent). My family has almost nothing to do with SD because she has totally alienated them. Same with husband's family.
then dont worry
if H is not worried about it then you stop worrying about it, disengage...I learned to do it and it has saved my relationship although my FH does support me for the most part when it comes to his kids..but they are pretty good, the younger ones anyway the oldest EEEKK
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Sounds like the one who
Sounds like the one who needs counseling the most is your sd. Has she ever had any? Her behavior certainly isn't normal. I would venture a guess that your dh's continued refusal to parent her normally has contributed to her problems. Non-custodial parents think they are doing a good thing by being the good guy all the time, but in reality, children thrive best in environments where there are rules, expectations, and predictable outcomes. This becomes even more important to a child who travels between two homes.
Personally I could never accept the situation that you have. I am not a control freak, but I couldn't live without an equal measure of control over my home, and all children who belong there. I don't know how you've done it. I guess disengaging is the only thing you could do to survive, and I'm sure you're biding your time until she's aged out, but man, what a tough way to live!
Have you ever had a private, one on one conversation with your sd? Asked her how she's feeling or what you could do to help her? She might appreciate it, even if she didn't show it or couldn't understand that she appreciated it at the time. Heck, if you can't be a parent, what do you have to lose in being her friend? Just thinking out loud here...
one thing we do
is have dinner together, my FH kids are not picky so it is easy to cook for them (although FH does the cooking) but everyone sits at the table to eat,(FSkids comment how nice it is to have a cooked meal and eat together, so FH really tries to keep it that way) with that said, my BS will sometimes eat with or will sometimes go to his room, (he is a picky eater) but it is his choice, AND he is 18.
I always thought dinner should be a happy occasion, if she doenst want to eat with you then she can make the meal miserable for all included...the offer should always stand that eating with the family is important but she is not a baby anymore and can choose to not eat with everyone- maybe she will start to see how much fun there is at dinner and start to join in, even if she doesnt eat she can still contribute to the conversation..
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
I always ate my step-mums
food. Ofcourse maybe her rice I didn't like as it was like rice pudding but never turned away any of her food. In fact one thing I can say she is a good cook. We always eat at the table that was never a problem either.
I would extend an invitation.
I would extend the invitation for her to dine with the family, but if she doesn't accept and your DH won't make her participate, then it's his problem if his child feels rejected. After all, the rejection is coming from HIM. It's up to HIM to put the leaf in the table and tell his child that she will join the family with dinner and remain in her seat until she is excused. If he doesn't do this, then he has only himself to blame for raising a boarish oaf.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I would put the leaf in
myself and in front of DH one more time and one more time only make it known to SD that she is more than welcome to eat with everyone else. Then if she chooses not to, that is DH and SD problem. You are exonerated. This way she can't tell BM she is not eating because there is no room for her.
I believe in covering my ass at all times and I think your SD is exceptionally rude for behaving this way.
I think that's what she would do
I'm sure SD has already told BM that there's no place for her to eat. In fact, when SD does choose to eat with us, either husband or I STAND at the kitchen counter so she can sit with her sisters. But it's no use because she doesn't speak to them unless it's to reprimand them. Last night BD4 went into the living room FOUR TIMES to ask SD to come eat with her and SD ignored her EVERY TIME. BD1 was yelling from the table, "SD, dinner!" SD ignored her as well.
She is a VERY rude child. Unnecessarily so.