Transportation to visitation
Any guidance on this subject would be greatly appreciated!
Here's the deal:
Mic has his driver's license. However, he does not own a vehicle, and he is not on the insurance policy of the vehicle he drives. He drives my car, which I don't even own (it is in my mother's name). He uses to get back and forth to work, which I consider a legitamate reason to do this. I am on my parents' insurance policy. There was an accident in Fall of 2004 in which my supposed "designated driver" totalled my car (who, of course, was not on the policy). If Mic gets into an accident with my car, we will be dropped by our insurance company. I should mention that he would be on the policy, or have a policy of his own, if he could afford it. We are working on saving the money, as this is our goal, but in the meantime...
There is no order stating what the arrangements are regarding transportation. After almost a year of us providing 100% of the transpertation, I said that we needed to come to another agreement. This was at a time when our vehicle was in poor, poor shape, in particular-the brakes needed to be replaced (an expensive repair). So Mic told her that we needed to come to some sort of 50-50 agreement. The idea was that we could either pick up or drop off, and she could do the other. Well, after 1 time of coming to the house, she flipped out, hit the kid, a big fit. After that, Mic came to an agreement that we meet somewhere in the middle, since she refused to come anywhere near the house. In the meantime, I drive as much as possible.
As a stepparent to be, I am to understand that I have absolutly no rights, and it seems to me that if I have no rights that I would have no responsibilities, either, short of taking proper care of the child.
Am I responsible for providing any transportation for visitation, so long as there is no court order stating that I am? There is also no order saying that Mic is responsible. I understand that in most states it is 50-50, but how can that be when he has no car and no insurance? By the way, we live in NJ, you cannot frive without insurance, which is sky-high due to that simple fact.
In our case, the visiting
In our case, the visiting parent (my husband) is solely responsible for transportation. We used to live 5 hours away, now we live something like 14 hours away. We must bear the entire expense of that. Now, we used to be able to get their mom to meet us halfway sometimes when we lived closer or even just on the outskirts of her town so that he didn't have to deal with the traffic, which would cut up to an hour off his trip. But ultimately, my DH is solely responsible for transporting the kids to/from vistation and anything she does to contribute, such as meeting him halfway, is gravy.
I don't think it is the SP's responsibililty to provide transportation. We may or may not want to help out with this, but I think that's at our discretion. We don't have to do it, but we can if we want to. No court is going to order a SP to provide it, since it's not the SP's child. Whether he has a car or insurance doesn't matter, if he wants to visit, then it's his responsibility to make it happen one way or another. There's nothing in the order that says he has to provide transportation, but there's probably also nothing in the order that says she has to provide it, either. I think it's assumed that the visiting parent has to provide it. If you can't work it out with BM, then you'll probably have to go through the process of getting a lawyer and getting a modification. It would probably be cheaper just to find a way to get him to drive legally. The courts simply don't care about insurance being too high, him not having a car, etc. I'm sorry, they just won't care. It's not their problem, it's his. And I'm sorry to say that it's not BM's problem, either. Sigh. I know it sucks and there's not a whole lot you can do, unless you want to provide transportation for the visits. No, it's not your responsibility, but I really don't think you want to put your mother through losing HER insurance if he gets pulled over for some reason or in an accident and the insurance company finds out he was driving her car illegally. This could have serious ramifications. What if he totals her car? What if he's in an at-fault accident that, God forbid, kills someone or results in heavy property damage? Do you have cash on hand to pay a multi-million dollar lawsuit? Probably not. For that reason alone, he should not be driving, especially not someone else's car.
Probably not what you wanted to hear. My husband contemplated a job offer in NJ two years ago and there was just no way... housing was astronomical and car insurance was out of the question. Have you shopped around for a "trip policy" or something like that, to cover him driving just on visitation days? You might be able to find an insurance company that offers something like that.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
I'd rather have the truth
even if it's not what we want to hear. I've been looking at insurance rates for him. He doesn't have any points on his license, so the rates aren't very bad. It's just getting blood from a stone. We are poor. If it weren't for our parents, we would definitly be living on the street (I just found out the other day that, without my parents, I would be considered to be living in...what did they call it? I think it was "desolate poverty" or "detriamental poverty", something like that). I think Mic just qualifies for regular poverty. In the meantime, we just need a little more time to make this work (there are just a few financial obligations to be taken care of, then we can think about having a little extra left over to put towards something-but then it's a matter of figuring out if it goes to a lawyer, car insurance, etc.). Thanks for the input, though.
run away
if you are not married yet, get out!
apparently he is not responsible enough to have a good driving record/car/insurance. he sounds like a peach. if you are having issues with his responsibility (irresponsibility as a driver, I cringe to hear any issues down the road. sounds like you are going to have to save him all the time and be the responsible one in the relationship.
you wrote, "As a stepparent to be, I am to understand that I have absolutly no rights, and it seems to me that if I have no rights that I would have no responsibilities, either, short of taking proper care of the child." if you stay you are stuck being the responsible adult in all situations.
Sorry to state such a brutal truth.
-Lori
Actually, I'm the irresponsible one...
for letting him do it. It's a matter of being stuck in between a rock and a hard place, financially speaking. After doing a lot of math, we figure that we can be caught up more or less by May or June. If we can eek by until then, this mess can start getting cleaned up. It's just that right now, he can handle the debt that he has, but we cannot afford to incur any more until this stuff is taken care of.
In terms of the driving record, it all started over a speeding ticket that he trusted someone else to pay (although he admits this was the beginning of an irresponsible streak that he went through a few years ago). After his license was suspended for the fine not being paid, he was caught driving on the suspended list. (This being more of that irresponsible behavior). He knows it was irresponsible, and he's paying dearly for it now. It's cost him a little over $3,000 in surchrges. But that will be paid off soon, which is what we are waiting for, in terms of the insurance. Once he has his own policy, he can start putting money away for his own vehicle. In the meantime, he has to get back and forth to work, otherwise he would have no way to pay the child support, which of course, if left unpaid would result in his arrest. We are trying to be as responsible as we can, we just have to get caught back up first, financially. I don't mean to sound defensive, I just wanted to elaborate a bit.
Our drop off and pick up
In our case there is a meeting place that is actually in the parenting plan, we meet there for any drop off or pick up although since my finace has moved in it is no longer a central location but it still works for us. Espically since she tends to have little fits and blame them on him so if it is a public meeting place there are always lots of wittnesses. Even though we are not married yet I still go to every drop off and pick up because the way she is.
Crystal
this is what we do
now bc she has started so much drama when we exchange at residences, and we dont want her anywhere near our home...last sun was latest. not in legal arrangement yet but want to put it in for mediation...but my question is this...does the BM have the rite to refuse SM from doing the exchanges? fiancee and i arent married but BM had my daycare badge taken away and wont let me exchange, not that i want to, but we need me to be able to for times when FH cant due to work or whatever
If...
If it is in the parenting order that BF picks up the child, then yes BM can refuse you. My order does not say who can or cannot do picks ups or drop offs. My BD7 whole life we have been meeting somewhere in the middle or I would drive all the way one way and he would drive all the back one way. Right now, my SO and his ex do not have an order in place but we are drafting one and it states BF/BM or representative can pick up the child. I would never want to be alone with BM but sometimes BF's works late and then I would have to go get FSS. This provision provides for those possibilities.
As a step-parent we are not responsible for transporting the child(ren). Sometimes it has to be done.