Need advice from other men on my issue ASAP please!
I am currently living with a lady that I been with for a little over two years, I was with my childrens mother for 15( we have 5 kids together), my Fiance has one so we have 6 together.
My problem is this:
My x wife keeps turning the children on me, I pay 1,000 a month in support( she thinks I need to give her prolly alot more as if I was still there with her),
I worked hard at tring to get right with my kids, it has NOT been a easy task being they dont like my fiance for no reason, she has went out and beyound for them and to make them feel welcomed, X is so hateful and jelous and wants kids to herself and for visitaion to be on her terms and when. My 2 sons came over, one wanted to return home after a couple of days but my other wanted to stay longer, B.M tell sme " No, she cant be with out her kids longer then 3 days", Well, I am with out them waaay longer then that, and she WILL NOT BEND or compromise, always has to be in control of EVERYTHING and has ALWAYS been this way.
So, son then tells me.. he might want to live with me.. I was happy about that because I could do more for him, he is 15 and needs a male figure.. His father, I wanted to help him with school, drivers permit,sports, getting his first job, but B.M has all kids out there wasting away, my oldest is 16 and has NO motivation do to anything let alone want to go back to school, she promotes nothing good for them as young men to become function adult men in the future.
I have 3 boys ages 13,15,16 and two girls ages 11 and 12!
when I told B.M son wanted to stay with me she came running out that door pointing her finger in my face tellen me all kinds of crap, put me down in fron of my girls to the point my girls yelled out " hate you daddy",
She wants them all to herself, then my oldest son calls me up tellen me that I am wrong if I stop C.P, well I told B.M the only way I am stoping it is if I need to get a lawyer, because I want my parental rights and I do want this divorce, but I been putting it off because If I file that means I need that C.P money to pay for divorce which means my children go with out, so I have put it off, BUT she is not working with me on my kids.
She turns them on me, and I am tired of it, they think I am worthless and I pay my C.P EVERY 2 weeks faithfully not even court ordered.
When we split up I left her EVERYTHING!
The house for the children .. everything, I even pay property taxes on it every year for my children..and they treat me like shit.
My fiance told me many times that the relationship I want with my children prolly wont happen til they are older when they have their own life exsperiences and can understand, as of now.. they have and are all under the influence of their mothers thoughts and opnions, and the only time they act like they care is when they got their hand reached out for money, I feel very unloved by my children, very used by all of them and I am tired of being kicked in the teeth time and time agin.I kept tring to prove to my kids I love them.. but its not about that for them and now I am at the point where I am throwing my hands up ready to say hell with it!
I am under my fiances screen name.. but thought I would try this site out, anyone have comments or suggestion PLEASE I need all the opnions and suggestions I can get
Thanks!
OMG
You need to get a divorce. Try legal aid for some help. While it is great that you are giving your ex support for the kids, you are not ordered to do so and when you get divorced it all the money you have paid can be considered a gift and you may have to pay additional back support. The kids will get older and figure out what is what. I know it hurts that they have turned on you and BM may feel that it is all your fault that your marriage did not work so this is her way of getting back at you. She needs to get a job, get a life, and get a hobby that does not involve you or your fiance. Stop giving BM money and get divorced. Document everything - when visits occur, when they are cut short, when they are denied, etc. Get school records for the kids - are they doing better or worse since you split up. Get medical records on all the kids - are they ill more often, does BM take them to the doctor for stupid or unnecessary reason and so on. Get your ducks in a row and get the ball rolling. The longer you wait the worse it will be. D
Do not pay the property taxes on the house. It may need to be sold so you get some of the equity out of it or BM may be allowed to live there (while paying all the bills) until the last kid is of age and then the house will have to be sold. I would not go with that option from personal experience. A girlfriend of mine has this in her divorce but she has taken such horrible care of the house, it may never be able to be sold - roof leaks in several places and she was paid my insurance 3 times for it and never had it done, heat was shut off this winter and a pipe burst so now the house is totally uninhabitable.
Your going to have to suck it up and hold on for the storm that will most definately come on once you get the proceedings in order. Know what you want for parenting time.
Confussed
Why would I have to pay back suport? why would they do that,and if I stop paying my kids will go hungry that gives me pause, I couldnt sleep at nite knowing that they were going 2 bed hungry.It took me about 2 years 2 re-adjust after I left. at 1st I had them over all the time but mom wanted them 2 b with her( so that caused big issues for me), I was such a mess tring to sort out myself from the whole dramatic change. There was ananmosity flying all over between everyone, But I still paid.
Now time has gone on, and I have tried real hard to make my bad right for not being their as a father like I was suppose to be(as what I felt was proper for my children), but then agin she made it impossible to do it many times too.
At one point I was so fed up and had - had it!
I blew them off cause I could not deal with B.M bull sh*t anymore, I ended up drinking " alot" because I could not deal with the feelings of not fathering my children, I tend to take on to much guilt my fiance says, and I have beat myself up over and over agin about not feeling like I have been the best dad!
Now its just come back down to the same crap and I dont want to feel like I have to keep away from kids to just have peace of mind, but I really dont know what else to do because I want all of them to be apart of my life in this life I have now!
B.M is so controling and has MAJOR influence in all this and no matter what I do or what I try to do I lose!
" I am the bad guy Period",
So, what do you think someone like me should do? I mean I cant turn on my children because having a relationship with them seems almost impossible 95% of the time, I dont want them to grow up without a father like I had to, and right now exspecially my boys are at the age were they need a father.
As for paying the property taxes I do that because its my mothers property and along time ago she let me put a home on there for me and my family, So even if my x wanted to move I would still pay on it.. I would just end up losing the home thats in my name because I cannot afford that house payment!
Tell me what you think I can do, I appreciate this alot,
Thanks!
J
oh
As far as back support goes, in some states any support paid that is not court ordered can be considered a gift. If you ex says its a gift, that's what it is, so the court would think you were not paying child support. Just like buying them clothes is not child support, it is a gift. AS far as your kids going hungry, there are food shelves, food stamps, medical support and financial support from the local authority like the county or city. BM is controling you and winning. You have to grow a pair - sorry so bold - and get this done. You will not be able to move on with your life and the life you are building with your fiance without ending the previous relationship legally.
Let me check out the laws in your state and see where you may stand on the support issue.
Thank you Smurfy
Thank you,I laughed at the so blod part(lol), you are right, I just got tokeep it in my head.Thank you for looking up support laws, that would help me with imformation.You said all the things my fiance said to me, she siad: see I am right(she was smiling).
Make a list of how to get started
1. Talk to a lawyer. Call your local Legal Aid center if there is one for people who cannot afford an attorney for custody cases (we could not pay one either). Start the divorce process - asap! yesterday! the sooner it starts the sooner it can be over. You must have already been living apart the one year, not sure how it is in your state.
2. Tell your kids to butt out of adult matters!!! regain control, no matter what they say, tell them they are not allowed to question you or discuss financial issues with you, they are kids and need to worry about their own grades, etc. Tell your Ex-wife if she continues to egg them on she is hurting her own kids more than you, they need to have a relationship with their dad and she knows it.
3. Money/house. Lawyer can help you there too. You really need one as this is complicated. It is tough because you apparently moved out of your own house, I understand believe me but I think that gives her more leverage because she is established in there. Doesn't the wife have any family nearby that can help her? Why doesn't she get a job like the rest of us!!
Bless your heart honey, you really can't even start until you see where you stand legally. Don't worry about your relationship with the kids for the moment, it sounds like they love you anyway. Write back and let us know what you find out then everyone here who has been thru this can maybe help you from there!
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
ok I looked
I took a quick look and Florida is similar to Minnesota in that when figuring child support they take both parents incomes into account and if one parent is unemployed/underemployed voluntarily (not sue to mental or physical disabiility) the court can use "potenial income" as their income using their work history, occupational qualifications, and prevailing earnings level in the community. Which basically means in the simplest terms - if one parents had a job paying 6 figures a year and quits to get another job for 4 figures a year to pay less child support - the court would use what they should be making if they did not quit the better paying job.
try this web site
http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/states/fla/floridachildsupport.htm
and this one
http://www.fldivorceonline.com/
The more stuff you can do on your own the less you will have to pay a lawyer to do.
Stired
First things first, pay Child Support in money orders or checks and make sure you put on there that's what it's for. Secondly, listen sugar, my hubby had this issue with his ex WITH A LEGAL CUSTODY AGREEMENT. His ex pulled the same crap. I got so tired of it that I simply refused to give the kids back. (There is a TON more to it, but that's the jest of it). After 2 and a half years we finally got the papers of her terminating her rights! it CAN be done, JUST DON'T BACK DOWN AND DON'T GIVE IN!!! The only real problem I see you having is that your kids are old enough to have a say and be listened to. I would file PAS on the mom. (Parental Alienation Syndrome) Someone posted a website about that. Look it up. From the sounds of it, she fits right into this category.
~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~
Need Imfo on C.P Please.
Thanks for the replyes, I need all the emotional support I can get and what to do, I cant seem to get this right in my head although I am starting to break it down.
I told my fiance I just realized something!
My x wont get on any assistance,and I got to thinking its cause then I would have to pay the state child support instead of her and thats prolly why.
How do you think that works?I am going to tell her to get all the assistance she needs because with in one month child support is being stopped so I can get a lawyer.Now if she is getting assistance how would that work with paying child support? I mean would it be ordered through the court to PLUS having to pay back the assistance she receives to?She acts like she is doing me this huge favor by not getting on assistance( which my children need) I do what I can but I am not there and can not support 2 house holds " period".
I am NEVER going back either, but she has this exspectation like she would have as if I was there still.
As for emotionally unstable she is, she is a kook to put it nicely,The things she has my children believing are not of the norm, for example: She tells my children she has visions from God( they believe this), she offered to wash all their feet( like jesus did for his diciples), I mean it goes on and on.
I worry about my childrens mental health as I know how manipulative and controling she is( she uses the whole vision thing to control people who will buy it).
If I was to fight her for my children they would all resent me, hate me for taking them away from their mother.
Its a total mess,and I see what this is doing to my kids, and it bugs the hell out of me.
She wont talk, she always right,its her way,I know nothing, she makes it out like I was wrong and its my fault for a bad marriage,she makes me out bad to my children, but they dont hear about the good things I did, like work two jobs so their mother could get drug free and be home, I mean it goes on and on!
I am going to tell her to applye for assistance, but I dont know what will happen when I go to court and how this whole Child support thing works if she does applye.
if you know please drop a line,
I need all the imfo I can get before I open my mouth.
CSE
I would call the local office of your state's child support enforcement agency, explain the situation and ask if they can help you establish an order to support your children. They will do the calculation and find out how much each of you - you and BM - are required to pay towards the support of your children. It may end up being less than what you are voluntarily paying now. Or it may be more. Either way, get it documented ASAP.
Next thing, see if your local court has a self-service center. Some larger courts do. You may be able to go there to get the forms you need to file yourself to get the issues of legal separation, custody and support resolved while you're waiting on the actual divorce. Some courts even make their forms available online. It would be better if you had legal representation, and legal aid may be able to match you up with someone you can afford, but if you absolutely cannot, at least get it started yourself. If you are not even legally separated, then you are really unprotected from lots of things, especially financially.
Don't stop supporting the kids financially, no matter what else you do. You have to provide them with SOME support. Maybe not as much as you are paying now, but you need to give them something, or else you could be setting yourself up for a major problem if a future child support order is retroactive back to the date of your separation from your wife. You could start out deeply in arrears if you don't pay something now while it's being sorted out.
I would definitely call legal aid. If you can scrape together fifty bucks, I think it is, you get thirty minutes with an attorney who can point you in the right direction. After that, you'll have a better idea of what you should and shouldn't do.
♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I have always paid my C.P
I have always paid my C.P faithfully ay giving her 1,000 a month for 5 children.
She works but under the table(which cant be proven in court from what someone told me unless she sdmitted to it, and she wouldnt most likely).I dont mind paying, I just did not want to pay state back and also pay through court sysyem too, I would think it would be one or the other. Thats where I am confussed as how to this thing is going to work.Thanks for the imfo, I guess I need to call c.p and find out this how operates