bearer of bad news but he has a 4 year old child that needs his mom & dad. If you broke up a marriage, the best thing to do would be to give this father back to the little boy. That would show courage, character & remorse. I am not trying to hurt you sweetie, just telling ya the truth.

My parents were divorced when I was 5. My dad remarried weeks after it was final. I am now 24 and have no relationship with my dad. I lived with my mom and was supposed to spend weekends with my dad. But my stepmom had so many issues with my mom that it eventually ruined our relationship. As much as I hate it as a SM, a mother and an ex wife has a reason to talk to the father of their children. This being said she will never go away and will never stop contacting him. Esp since how the marriage ended (unless you're on the Reba show) the ex will always despise you and it will be very hard for the child to accept you later in life.

I would imagine you are prob younger like me since he has a 4 year old. My suggestion is to get out. there are better situations for you out there. And it is very hard to deal with BMs, divorce, custody, etc. Your life and the child's life will be better if you move on. I normally don't tell ppl that bc I love my husband and SD. but coming from someone who was the child, I wish my dad would have had the, excuse me for this, balls to think of his kids instead of another woman. I really think most ppl would think twice about being involved with someone who is married with children (no matter the circumstances) if they knew the pain it causes. Trust me it is not worth it for you or anyone else in the situation.

I wish you the best of luck with everything! Really do try to think of yourself and that child! You both deserve better!

Collie, I think you will find that if you tough out the first little while, things will improve over time. I don't think you should view therapy as a last resort. I went to therapy to help me cope with being a stepmom and it did me a world of good. Even better, if you can get him to do it, have your bf go with you.

It will take time for everyone to mellow out. In time, the bm will probably relax and step back. Right now she is hurting and jealous and trying to get in the middle of your life as much as she can. She will eventually get over that, especially if you don't rise to the bait as much as possible. In time, the relationship with the in-laws will cool as well. It doesn't hurt anything if she remains a part of their lives, but with time it will sort itself out to what it should be. The hardest thing is to be patient, and try not to fixate on things too much.

Keep an open and honest dialogue with your bf. If you want to voice concerns, do your best to not sound accusatory or vent at him. Tell him how things make you feel, and then acknowledge to him when its irrational, or fear based, or whatever.

And I certainly don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. It depends on why he cheated. And you don't have to beat yourself up over that, either. Learn from mistakes, and don't make them again. Meanwhile, focus on the future and build a positive relatiionship with your bf, his child, and eventually over time, the bm. That is so important. If you can show her that you are no threat to her and that you are trying to get along, hopefully she will come around to that eventually. It worked in my case.

sorry but belive me its well not worth it i have been fighting it for years now its time to go!!!
it will hurt more later than it will now !
if you are young like me(19) get out enjoy life like im planning on doing!

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

My father cheated on my mother, she found out they divorced. TWENTY-TWO YEARS AGO. My mother has NEVER forgiven, has NEVER forgotten and still uses every opportunity to fill our ears with hatespeak about our father. My sister and I have no relationship with our father and we haven't had a relationship with him since my mother found out about his cheating.

No one can know what the BM will do until she does it. She may eventually move on, mellow out and forget about it, and things may improve over time, as PinkPixie suggests. Or she may carry this betrayal to her grave, poisoning her son against you and his father for the rest of his life. That would be a real shame, because children need both parents, as Angel points out. And this little boy will really need his father as he matures.

I may get blasted for this next statement, but... you're the "other woman" who broke up this "family." That's how BM will always see you. I don't see the relationship with the BM and the SS ever getting better, and I predict that you will be in a tug-of-war with them over your boyfriend forever. Even if it wasn't a good marriage to start with, your being the straw that broke the camel's back will still be enough for her to nurse a lingering resentment towards you for the rest of your life. If the BM withholds the child from his father as punishment, eventually he's going to end up resenting you, as well. Do you want to be the reason that this guy loses his son? This man's parents are never going to accept you, either. Do you want to be the reason he loses his parents, as well as his son? It may seem like it's worth it to you both now, but will it still seem that way when this kid is graduating high school, then college, then getting married and having children and his father has to hear about it second-hand?

Also, I tend to agree with stepping on the issue of cheaters. I don't think having the moral capacity to cheat goes away. If they did it once, they can do it again. Doesn't mean they WILL do it again, but they CAN do it again.

As much as you may believe it now, I don't think this is the man for you. I don't think he ever was. If he were, he would have had enough respect for you to separate from his wife first before involving you in his life. I'm sorry, but you've set yourselves up for a huge failure.

♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

I dont think they mean to cause you any further discomfort. I think what the ladies are trying to say was summed up best in.. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I think they are concerned for your wellbeing as much as they are concerned about those of the 4 yr old boy. They are letting you know that it wont get better w/time.

My dh had been divorced 3 yrs before I met him... and the BM was super nice to me at first. Once I married him, she became a NIGHTMARE.. I was not privy to the wrath I would suffer later in our relationship, and I WAS NOT the other woman.. so I can only imagine what your life is going to be like.

Had I known that the bm was going to assault me, pretend like I dont exist, and do everything in her power to make me miserable.. I might still be single in my condo!!

They are mainly just warning you what you are in for, should you stay... and that he will probably eventually cheat on you as well.

i've been banned from talking about this on step talk. so all i can say is GOOD LUCK!

Just a warning of how the BM will forever perceive you and how that will add nothing but pain, turmoil and heartache to your life for as long as you part of the equation. It is what it is. Only you can decide if you want to go through that.

♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

There is no truth to the cliche, "once a cheater, always a cheater." There are some people who cheat for sex. There are some who cheat to have emotional needs fulfilled that aren't being met by a current partner. The ones who cheat because they need more emotional fulfillment and who are already emotionally divorced are not any more likely to cheat in a good relationship than any other guy. They have even done scientific studies on this, for what its worth. So don't freak out about that.

Bm in your case is doing exactly what I would think she'd do. She's not letting go. She's keeping herself involved in his life as much as she possibly can. It may not even be with the idea of getting him back. It may just be that she's trying to get *you* back. If she sees that her tactics are failing, then she will eventually get tired of it. It is unusual for someone to continually cause problems if there is no payoff...in other words, if the problems don't yield any attention whatsoever. While it will be super tough, your best method here is to be courteous to her and about her, and be actively involved with your bf's son, but not pushy. Make it clear that you respect her as his mother, and that you're not trying to fill her shoes. Give your bf the comfort of knowing you are a partner, and remain confident in him unless he gives you a real reason not to be.

When the bm does stuff like the text message, and you find out about it....just say, "that's weird." You don't have to go off about it because he probably thinks the same thing. Men get tense when women vent to them, even if it isn't technically about them.

If you don't go the route of therapy, find plenty of time to talk about things and keep the dialogue open. If you find that something really bothers you, say something like, 'this really worries me' and then explain why. Again, keep if as focused on you as possible, and try not to accuse.

These are very, very hard things to do, but do your best. Give the relationship a chance, and realize that the bm is going to need some time to get this out of her system.

This is not directed at the OP, but I wanted to share my experience as well. I was married once before and there were no children involved. My ex and I grew more distant as the years went by. We were married for 15 years but were together for over twenty. During one dark period of our marriage my then husband told me he was not responsible for my happiness. I was so heartbroken, felt so worthless and unworthy, I ended up having an affair. It was very short-lived, and a few years after that my ex and I finally divorced. But, the guilt I felt was terrible. I was barely able to look myself in the mirror. I convinced myself that I was garbage and it was so easy to do that because I already felt like I was nothing in my husbands' eyes. Believe me, it took years before I could forgive myself. Still now at times when I think about what I had done I start beating myself up all over again. I prayed to God for forgiveness, all the while wishing I could do so from under a rock because I was so ashamed I wanted to hide from God. I knew that if my husband had found out he would have put me out on the curb with the rest of the trash on garbage day. A few years ago I wanted to come clean to him but after discussing it with my mother, she convinced me that in this case it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. I was honest with my current husband about what I had done and thankfully he hasn't passed judgement on me.

We don't always know what drives a person to cheat, but I do not believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. Some of us DO learn our lessons.

Well, the marriage was over although it would be bad if he was still living with wife when he met you and yall were messsing around( thats prolly how his family see's it).. they look at you like a home wrecker because he was still living with wife until you came along "right"?

Its not your fault for the falling apart of their marriage..its prolly the way it all fell into place.
What I know is: If someone really loves someone else NO ONE can take them away ok, So as far as family goes ...they like her and are going to view her feelings and opnions, before wanting to know yours because to them you are the home wrecker in their eyes( regaurdless of how it all went down).

The best you can do if you really love this man is go on with your relationship the best you can,Time takes care of the rest.

As for B.M doing what she is doing she prolly still loves him, after all he left her for you right?
So, that just by itself hurt her ego and feelings as a women and as being his wife, she prolly feels like they had a chance maybe til you came along and to her she feels she has unresolved issues emotionally maybe, Even if reality WAS the marriage could not be salvaged in your B.F eyes..it might of been viewed differently in her eyes.

So.. exspet resentment, bitterness, being denied by family that loves her,feeling not respected( cause they see you as the other women remember).

Pick and choose your battles wisely, I will not call you a cheater or him a cheater because that is judging and it is not my place to play exacutioner.. no one knows the REAL situation but husband and wife..including you too because you only know what you been told by your now B.F

yes its true they say you should not mess with a married man
" period", He was still very much obligated to her if he was still living underneath the same roof as her,

I think you both would of got more respect if he held off on the attraction to you and sat her down and told her its was over, explained why and then got himself a place on his own and then followed up with you,
Atleast she may not of liked what he said but she could of respected his honesty..if it had went down like that because marriage had been bad for a long time then family may have looked at your relationship differently with their son.

THE bad thing is this..and a very hard lesson I hope neither of you have to face is this:

NEVER leave your partner for another person, because if it does not work out you will regret it, ALWAYS leave because of personal problems that have NOTHING to do with someone else!

Thats where one of you could get bitten by karma...and like my dad told me for years..it may take a month, a year..maybe 5 years, but when you get it you will get it 10 times fold and KNOW EXACTLY what you got it for.

So remember that ok, do the best you can with what you have right now, handle what you can because some of it you have no choice, B.M is part of this always rather family likes her or not,as far as B.F goes with these texts he gets..x wife prolly feels its her right after all he left her for you, there is ALOT of emotion flying around in this situation..and it will only get worse before it ever gets better.

Take care and I hope I helped a little.

" This is not the life I ordered".

You will become stronger, people change.. situations change,and people get on with their own lives( Eventually),
Dont worry about anyone ..the only people you need in your life are the ones that show you they need you in theirs is how I look at it.

It may have been a bad thing you both did..but you know what!!
We all have skeletons in our closet, some are more open about it while others are not.Its not easy comming out saying what you and him did..because they way its viewed..but it sure took characther to be honest about it and listen to what some people had to say about it to, not everyone claims their own bad!

Good luck and wish you all the best!

" This is not the life I ordered".