Custody for child if a parent dies, and how the Step is (or isn't) involved!
Married 2 years now, with a 7 yr old SS. H told me last night that his ex wants to have lunch this week to rework some custody agreements, in the event that one parent dies. She is undergoing surgery soon and she realized their paperwork has not been changed since they were married 9 years ago. This conversation was supposed to be solely about custody, not about assets (which will be determined when H and I make our will.) I felt I should be present because a scenario where the ex dies and leaves sole custody to my H, would greatly involve me as I would also be a caretaker and would have a fulltime SS in my house. The ex requested I not be there. My H said he hates to agree with her, but that he didn't think this was that big of a deal... it was just paperwork and I wasn't really a part of it.
This hurt tremendously. To state that I am irrelevent to such a scenario is insane. We fought and fought about it. My feelings were that (1) I am relevant b/c I would be a caretaker as well and (2) the ex never takes my role seriously... I am MORE than just a seat at dance recitals and school plays; I should be present for serious conversations like this because it is not just my H anymore... it is my H and me. We had an issue last year where she asked I not go to my SS doctor appt. even though H wanted me there. SS had birth complications and as such, gets yearly checkups. It's a very emotional event for my H and he wanted me there for support, as I wanted to be there. She said no, that I was not his mother, that all I needed to do was be a friend. When my H said I was really trying to carry out this SM role carefully (by joining this forum and reading books on blended families), her response was "Well she doesn't have to do that, all she has to do is be nice to him." Yeah, real grateful.
Anyway, I have been distraught over this. I went to my therapist this morning (H and I have been seeing a counselor weekly to work on our issues) and she gave me some insight. She got it out of me, that this situation has made me feel unimportant and that I don't matter. I need to understand that this doesn't mean I don't matter to my H, and that sometimes there are things that my H and his ex will have to handle regarding my SS, that I don't need to be a part of. I could UNDERSTAND this, but it still all seems effed up to me. What is interesting, is that she has an 8 yr old boy herself, and is divorced. So she is exactly on the flipside of what I am experiencing. I am still not sure I 100% agree... but I guess I feel better about it.
I still don't think the ex takes my role seriously, and she definitely has never shown any appreciation to me for all I do for her son. I guess she doesn't have to? Anyway, my therapist said I should talk to the ex or write her a letter. Let her know that I think she's a good mom, that I would never try to replace her, tell her my views about the role I play for my SS and how if I had to help my H have sole custody, that I would help my SS remember her and the kind of mother she is. It's a nice thing to do, but will be very awkward. Sometimes all this drama gets so exhausting, you just get desperate and want it to be easy. It's hard when you don't trust the person you've got drama with :/
she doesnt have to take your role seriously
and she probably never will, bc that would be admitting that u exist, that her ex (ur DH) has moved on and made a life w someone else, and all this makes them uncomfortable. ur DH however, DOES need to take that role seriously and stand up to her and insist u be there. u need to tell him how u feel and explain it to him...u are a package deal now, its no longer just him, and any decision involving the skids involves u too.
you are right
in your feelings on several points here.....what will affect DH's life also affects yours, and you have a right to be involved, and yes, there are some things that your DH, and BM need to handle involving their child that you don't need to be a part of, but, I'm sorry....future custody of this child is NOT one of them. Think Julia Roberts & Susan Sarandone in Step-Mom....they had a adult , even heart to heart talk about the future after she dies...despite their differences....it needed to be discussed. In this case, BM is not dying, but still wants to decide on custody if something happened, even though she may not want you to be there, she should put aside those feelings, and let you be a part of this, because you will be a huge part of this childs life if she was gone. J.M.O."~waiting on the world to change~"
Do I understand that you
Do I understand that you will retain custody per them agreeing on this? And she doesn't want you part of the conversation?
Hmmmm...then I would say fine, but let DH know you will not accept any decisions made at the meeting, that you are uncomfortable with. And for him to let ex know that in advance. They can meet and discuss, but he will not make any agreements on your behalf without your consent.
That ought to do it.
Does BM go to the Dr's appts? If not, how in the world can SHE dictate you not go. I could see if she went, we had that with SD for a while, til we got full custody. Now that we have full custody, my SD's BM gets irritated with ME if I DON'T take SD there in what she considers a timely fashion. For instance SD's still not in braces yet because DH has a new job and insurance and I still don't have the dental card yet. BM tells SD and DH that she can't believe how lazy I am that I'm not getting SD to her orthodontist appointments yet. WHAT????? Why is it up to me as her SM and not DH anyway? BM feels that because I stay at home I'm at HER disposal now!
Anyway, if I understood right, and you are going to be the agreed upon custodian of SS in the event DH passes away, then you should be at the meeting. BUT if she is just struggling with that some, and will be more compliant without you there, then I would give DH guidelines (write them DOWN) and let it go. As long as he knows not to make a decision or agreement at that meeting without your approval.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Gotta agree with BM and DH on this one.
That kind of thing I would shy away from completely. Because, really, whatever arrangements they need to make for their child in the event of their deaths is their business. Not that you wouldn't be impacted. Not that you are not important. Just that you don't have a whole lot of say in it. What are you going to do? Say no? What would happen to your relationship with your husband if you told him you won't support him taking full custody of his child in the event of BM's death? Meeting or not, isn't it pretty much a done deal, anyway? I mean, isn't it just assumed that if one parent dies, the child will live with the remaining parent? What could you add to the discussion and what do you think you could get from attending? I don't think you have a dog in this fight and I'd let the parents handle the serious business.
Once he comes back from the meeting, then he'll discuss it with you and if you have a problem with whatever they decided, then the two of you can work it out together. That's a very personal discussion... what to do with your children in the event of your death. I wouldn't have a problem with my DH talking privately to BM about it. Yeah, I'd be seriously impacted if she died and they came to live with us, because two of my skids are exceptional children and one of them will never be capable of independence, but I knew when I married DH that it was at least a remote possibility. It's not like I'd tell him sorry, your kids will have to make due with a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere. Of course they'd come to live with us. No discussion would even be required.
Dealings of this sort need to take place between the parents. The parents are the ones ultimately responsible for the children. Stepparents need to be included and made aware of these decisions, of course, but they don't need to be directly involved in the decision-making process. You are only impacted as much or as little as you choose to be. You could choose to support your DH in helping him raise his motherless child or you could choose to help him find a suitable nanny, but that's after the fact. You can choose right now to not participate in any drama and that means not fighting with your DH or BM over things that you simply cannot control.
________________________________________________________________
ANNE 8102 | GEORGIA
jl725
If I were you I would step back on this one. It appears they are in the early stages of discussions and got a ways to go before they reach a conclusion. If something happened to your H or both of his parents you would probably never see the little guy again so SPs are important, but the world is not about them. If she does get really sick and if death is on its way then yes its time to let her know that you will step up and be the best SM that you can be.
I have a match!!!
cruella- thats almost as mean as I will have to learn the irish jig for the funeral.....
There is no reason where logic does not exist
UPDATE
The discussion is happening today, and I have decided to let this one go, as I have with many others. I think the ultimate point was that BM is vocal about discluding me from things (yet she is sickeningly sweet to my face) and I always have an issue with H not standing up for me. As always, I have to pick my battles. I know she does not respect or take my role seriously... as evidenced by comments she has made... but this was not the time to address that. I mentioned to H, about the letter I planned to write to BM, and he shook his head. He said it took him 7 years to understand that she is not reasonable, that she won't think this is a pleasant gesture - she will likely respond with eyes rolled, "What's the big deal?" So, I'm still stuck on whether or not to write the letter. I probably will, for my own piece of mind. It will satisfy me and if she's a c*nt about it, then that says something about her - not me.
I asked H to mention something during the convo. In the event that H died, and SS wanted to see me... H and I both would like for that to happen. If SS wishes, and for as long as he wishes. I'd never push for visitation, and this is not something that will go on paper, but is important to discuss. I know much of my SS's memories would involve me, our home, animals etc... and if it helped him adjust/cope, then he should be allowed that transition. Anyway... we'll see how she responds.
Overall, feeling better about things. Guess therapy is helping! And thanks to everyone for the input.