Need serious advice, am I doing the right thing?
So dh and I are not legally married. Wow that's the first time I said that out load in a while. We got married in a religious ceremony but not legally. I am the sole caretaker of ss5 and we also have a bd1. So for the past 2 years I've been doing EVERYTHING on my own when it comes to ss5 and I just can't take it anymore! Dh works 12-14 hours a day so it pretty much falls on me. My daily routine would be wake ss up get him ready for school(while dh sleeps in)make his lunch walk him to the bus stop(while dealing with his massive ADHD disorder) pick him up from the bus stop get him a snack, make him dinner, tell him to take a shower a million times before he actually does, cook him dinner send him to bed(while dealing with his massive case of ADHD) then ad my bd1 into the equation. I got laid off 15 months ago and am currently getting unemployment. The thing is I can't take being the sole caretaker of ss5 anymore! It's stresses everyone out including bd1 because she sees me stressed out all the time. Mind you, BM is perfectly healthy, does not work and perfectly capable of taking care of her son. There is no court order, nobody has custody, and nobody is paying child support. So recently I've been going to my moms out of state just to get out of the daily routine of ss. And to make dh and bm more accountable for their son. Am I doing something wrong? Am I a bad person for not wanting all the responsibility to be put on me? I stay at my moms from Friday night till Tuesday morning, just so I don't go insane! Am I doing the right thing? Dh does not get off work until 2 Am and goes to work at 9 so it isnt like I'm missing time with him. I just think he's being selfish and just wAnts me home to take care of his son. Just need some advice from people that are in my situation our were and my situation, and how it worked out. Thanks
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Comments
Bm doesn't have a problem
Bm doesn't have a problem with this because she rather live her life kid free! She doesn't want the responsibility. And dh just goes along with her bull because he hates the drama.
You are not a bad person. In
You are not a bad person. In our state a BM has to practically be an axe murderer with blood on her at the custody hearing NOT to get custody. And then sometimes she would still get custody after proven an axe murderer! Can you use spanking therapy on SS? :evil:
What's spanking therapy? And
What's spanking therapy? And the thing is I just don't want to do it by myself anymore
I think that what you need to
I think that what you need to do, if you want to stay in this relationship is:
1: get a court order stating that dh has sole custody (to avoid any stress and drama in the future). Also, get that woman to pay some child support.
2: get ss5 into a child psych's office and put the child on some adhd meds (he could probably also benefit from counseling as he could be acting out b/c the mother isnt around)
3: find a mothers morning out group
4: volunteer or do something else like that for yourself so that you have an outlet and something to boost your resume
5: set up sleepovers or playdates for ss5 a few times a week (once he is on his meds and manageable)
OR set goals and make a plan like this one that is personal to you that will help you reach your goals
The mom isnt going to step up. The dad works very long hours. you cant change that and you got into the relationship knowing what the dynamic was. it is up to you to make is manageable for you. And i know you can do it.
I have to agree. While this
I have to agree. While this is totally unfair to you, it is also unfair to the child. BM wants a kid free life, then fine. DH needs to file for full custody and collect child support. In addition, BM needs to help pay for and support SS5 needs. A set schedule to see BM should be set in place so you can get some relief.
Wow u are doing what I did
Wow u are doing what I did for.too.long. my exSO.was always working I was stuck.at.home.with the kids b/c I was in college then unemployed. I wasted.my.young years 23-27 taking care.of.his.kids while.he was at work.and.BM.was with her perfect.new.nuclear.family. I don't. There was no.custody no.child.support. nothing! Just a BM.who.didn't want the responsible of her older two.boys now 14 and.9. I don't know.how.much you love your SO but it will strainer the relationship and u will resent both him and.your SS.if.u don't communicate your feelings. I disengaged,still didn't help. We are.longer together but we have a son together now 18 months. Good luck.and message me if you need to talk I was in your shoes before.
Getting a court orde rin
Getting a court orde rin place and child support and visitation with bm are all very great ideas and will help ease the load.
If I was you... I'd sit down
If I was you... I'd sit down and have a talk with DH about how I'm feeling, first. Men are dense so maybe he doesn't realize how much of a burden your SS is. Insist that he help out more with the easy stuff like: get your ass out of bed, make your son's breakfast, and walk him to the bus. If DH is home there's no reason you should HAVE to do what he's capable of. You might get lucky and he'll realize SS is his responsibility and not yours and help out more.
Of course, if you DH is anything like mine it'll be like talking to a brick wall. After a couple months, I told DH that I was disengaging and everything would be left up to DH. Everything. Even the times when DH wasn't here I told him I wouldn't wake SS7 up for school and that he'd have to figure something out on his own. DH managed to work it out. SS7 didn't starve. He did go to school in dirty pants a couple of times but it didn't kill anyone.
I've re-engaged since and we're still trying to find our footing as co-parents to SS7. At least, now I get a thank you for the stuff that I do for him.
Weird how we never argue about BD1 or parenting her.