SD is your husband's obligation. She's not his happiness. You are.

It took me a long time to figure this out with my husband as well. He loves SD15 because she's his child. But he does not much like her or how she has turned out. And he knows a great deal of that is his fault. So what to do? Parent her the best he can without destroying our relationship. Sometimes that means walking a fine line. But that's his choice.

I have a lot of animosity and resentment toward SD, primarily because of her treatment of me and my whole family (including husband). But she's not my child, so there's no love (or at least obligation) to offset that.

With regard to choosing his daughter's happiness, your husband should do this by parenting her appropriately. But maybe he doesn't even know how to do that? My husband is, slowly, seeing that parenting is more than having fun and buying children things. It's hard work, and you're going to be unpopular. And that's OK.

Don't know if this helped at all, but I am in a similar situation (SD is 15 and her father and I have been together since she was 5, married since she was eight). She hates me and would NEVER call me mom.

I have been SM to SD for 10 years and she is now 19. She hates me. I think my husband is embarrassed and disappointed with how she's turned out. I've disengaged and although he believes his daughter is missing out, he understands that it's the only way. He has no expectations of her (probably because of something 5Teens said on one of these post...that he doesn't want to end up more disappointed), and she is his obligation. He has never considered divorce...he knows that I'm loyal to him and that his daughter trashes him to everyone. It's a bizarre situation that we are all in and it's hard for sane people to understand...including us! Thank goodness for this site.

I am sure DH wouldn't stay with us if they really thought we were bad for their kids. For a long time mine seemed to make me the bad guy with my SD17, but eventually stepped up.

My guess is that DH's know that kids grow up and leave, and they will still want us as a wife, regardless of how SD feels about it. My SD is nice to my face but ignores me in front of her mom. Whatever!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

because when DH and I got together he did tell me he left a GF because of the way she handled his kids. I told him from the very beginning that disrespect from any of our kids was unacceptable. Of course we drag our feet a little with the discipline but what parent doesn't. SS11 is starting to give me those you're so stupid looks and mouthing off at times but I am hoping it's his age.(you know preteen) If it gets out of hand I call his Dad home from work cause I don't have to up with it. DH does handle things when necessary though. DH has never mentioned or hinted of wanting a divorce in the 3 yrs we've been together. But I have been on the verge of walking away a few times. Those times were about BM and her stupidity and DH not stepping up. I believe we do the best we can bio or step. I would hope that we would not allow an angry child break up a marriage. Divorce allows kids to manipulate both sides of the fence. We just have to be adult enough to see through their manipulation. It doesn't help that all the professionals out there tend to only sympathize with the fact that the kids are from "divorced homes." I wish there was someone that would have balls enough to say Hey your parents are divorced, there's nothing you can do about it, quit punishing everyone around you, make the best of the life you have.

Will tell you that the marriage comes first! If it's a first marriage, second marriage...whatever! Kids should not dictate to or control the parents

I too married young and SD was 2 at the time. Now she just turned 19 and she still won't grow up. She won't take responsibility for her actions. We now don't speak and I would wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire. DH has always been in the middle, or so he says. He always told me to handle the situations as they arised, but I didn't feel authorized (if you will), she was not my child. She has a mother (not a good one). SIGH.. But I think that is human nature.

My SD hates me, and has made no excuses for it. That was how she was raised by her mother. She is a proffesional victim and that is the only thing she does well.

I'm rambling.... I understand what you are going thru. I wish I could tell you it gets better at 18, but even though she doesn't live here anymore, there is still a lot of tension. Because these skids like to place blame on the fact that their parents are divorced and that is an acceptable reason to act out and not take on responsibility.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Professional victim...my SD19 is one too. Spoiled, entitled brats! My SIL said, "God forbid my brother stays married to the love of his life (that would be me), and life goes on without SD in your home. Life should halt and revolve around her, like it always has! How dare my brother be happy!" HEAVY sarcasm here

We have tons of tension too, even with SD gone. The people on this site have helped me do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...disengage. I love everyone here...they saved my life and my sanity.

Me and my hubby have only been married six months and divorce would never be an issue. He hates the way his kids have turned out due to bms influence and he knows that before he met me his kids had not wanted to see him for three years. They just come round to cause arguments at bms behest and try to make us split up. Im so lucky he sticks up for me and sees through all their rubbish. His children hate me and so does half his family due to bm. Your hubby married you, he loves you and men are not as stupid as they act, if hed had enough he would have divorced you years ago. The end is in sight, dont give up now! You have done nothing wrong by disengaging, you need to put your marriage first. If sd wants to act up then you cant stop that, hopefully she will move out soon and things will settle down. Im so sorry youve had 15 years of this rubbish. It must have been really hard to live that way.

"Dispute not with her, she is a lunatic."