Should a BM Pay CS

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This is a spinoff of an earlier question, which got me thinking. Currently we have SD8 full time. Her mom doesn't even see her at her designated EOW timslots. DH from the begining did not want her to pay child support because he wanted to prove it can be done and didn't want any help from her. When we paid CS, BM always wanted over and above the amounts, and more money for this and that. Should I bring up the topic again to see if he would consider going to court for CS? I think that BMs would do it in a heartbeat for dads, so why not for them? Just wanted your thoughts on if you would open up Pandoras box in this case.

If I was in your situation

If I was in your situation yes I would if the child lives with you full time. Your right in a heart beat they will jump on it. Im a bm also and didnt do that to my daughters dad we came to an agreement since the get go and things have always been smoothly thank god.

Yes. Fair is fair

We have 50/50 and BM had no trouble getting the CS from DH. After DH lost his job and subsequently found a new one (that paid 60% less), BM refused to pay CS. We had to take her to court and she fought it the whole way, but now she is ordered to pay us.

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

I think this is dad's decision

it's his kid, he is financially responsible for her...so it should be whatever he thinks is right. He's a grown man who can assess what his financial needs are and if he needs help from mom. Each situation is unique, so to apply the "any BM would do it" rule....doesn't necessarily work, unless the true motive is to just stick it to mom.

Ideally 2 parents should financially support their child, but if one is happy to do so on their own and it creates a situation of greater good (no fighting, no hard feelings etc) then where's the harm?

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

Our inital thought

Our initial thought while we were going to court was that if the court comes across this section and demands the child support from her, than we aren't going to argue against it. However in the court papers from the judge, she left it open for us to open another case if we wanted to. DH/BF doesn't want to because he is using that as a message to BM, (that he does not need her), and to see IF she'll actually take measures to provide for her child outside of the court system. Well its been 3 years since we have had her and that is a big fat NO. BM never has paid us nothing, or given her child anything that amounts to even $50 in the last 3 YEARS! I do agree with comments here though - that 2 parents should raise their child, financially. If in the future BM wants to get SD, then financially she is on her own - especially when we did it without CS for years.

Here's the thing...my DH had

Here's the thing...my DH had SS for 2 years because she got all her kids taken away and went to jail. She didn't pay a dime and was supposed to pay $110/mo. My DH thought that since he supported him for 2 years by himself, she should be expected to do the same for 2 years. NOPE. She wanted cs as soon as she got him back...nevermind the fact that this is not even my DHs biokid. I would take BM to court and make her pay to support HER child. Dads are always made to pay but BMs hardly ever are. Its ridiculous. You're married, so supporting their child 100% should not be solely up to your DH. You have a right to your input as well. I guarantee you if she ever gets that kid back she will be awarded cs from your DH, even though she never paid a dime. I understandwomen don't usually have the greatest income compared to men, but she still should be contributing what she is supposed to based on her income.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

I can't believe

I can't believe that the courts will actually grant her CS. I'll have to talk to DH about this. Because it isn't right for us to be holding up our end of the bargin in raising her, when she can't do the same. Even if it is $50 per month she should be responsible for something.

Tell me about it. If you

Tell me about it. If you don't ask the courts for cs, it doesn't mean that she's not entitled to i if she ges custody. In our case, she was actually ordered to pay and still didn't, so she technically owes my DH about $2500. We haven't gone to court to try to get it from her, we live in another state so paying an attorney to go for us just isn't worth it.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

I sort of disagree with one statement here, Ges

"it's his kid, he is financially responsible for her"

Stepparents are often also financially responsible for the kids, especially in a two-income marriage, where the stepparent has to work to support the family and doesn't have children of their own. That's the circumstance we are in with FH and his 3 that we have custody of. I don't think the decision to go for CS should be entirely up to the birth father in that instance. But of course, legally speaking it is.

You are correct

IN THE HOUSEHOLD- those financial lines are blurred, I know my husband would never ever make a comment about the kids not being his responsibility or he shouldn't have to pay for something. But, he also entirely trusts MY judgment on what MY children need and he is supportive of MY decisions about the children.

We of course have those conversations that we all have, what's in the budget, what can we afford, etc. But at the end of the day my decision for my kids rules because I am their parent. He respects that.

I disagree here

If they are married, then the money that goes into and out of that household is "theirs" not "his." Therefore if getting CS form the BM would be good financially for the home, then yes I say go for it. Girls are expensive to raise, trust me I help pay for 2 of them, and the more help the better. Plus, if we didn't have to pay CS for SD's, since we provide almost everything for them anyway and have them the majority of the time, we could do more "fun" things in our house. We have limited funds to have fun time and would like for the girls to experience more cultural things, but that doesn't come cheap.

This would only benefit the child more in this situation where they have SD full time.

I agreed that household money is discussed

but wanted to share that difference in my home is that my husband would never try to override me in a decision that I was making for my children....we have been married just over 3 years now and have never had one single fight about the kids/dad/etc

Crayon

I totally understand how you disagree with what I said in a previous post....I do not understand how me sharing what does work for me is offensive to you. I'm not going to apologize for not being frustrated and unhappy, and I intend to share why I am not. You are free to ignore.

Yes, we do have SD full

Yes, we do have SD full time. BM has visitiation EOW but doesn't use it. She also has her for half the summers, but has only seen her a total of 15 days during the summer the last 3 years.

Groovie

Definitely bring it up again. Sure the decision belongs to BF but if you are going to work everyday to support the kd and if BM doesn’t contribute anything that’s a problem. It will create a bigger problem as time goes along and she gets more expensive. She is 8 years old and more than likely at sometime she is going to be living with BM and your H’s head will be spinning he will be in court so fast to get the CS.
If your H is independently wealthy and doesn’t need or want the money that is one thing but otherwise why be a martyr????

Definately not wealthy.

We are definately not rolling in the dough at all. He just is sending a message, and really doesn't want to be involved with her antics if she were to pay. She is a constant complainer and ALWAYS plays the victim. Even if she where paying it - she would be all in the business about what is happening with our bills and with SD and in our household. DH figures, that if she isn't paying then she can't argue too much unless she is contributing. That doesn't rule out that if she WANTS to contribute something, we'll definately accept it. But it is just looking into her true feelings for wanting to take her of her child. So far in three years, the message that we've gotten is that she doesn't care.

It's plain and simple: Both

It's plain and simple:

Both parents have a financial responsibility to the child they created.

Absolutely

Of course it may be harder said than done. When BM moved an hour away when SD was 11, she came to live with us. Before that, DH and BM had 50/50 custody and lived about 6 miles apart. They went through mediation and BM agreed to let SD live with DH. Not wanting to rock the boat, he left it at that and never asked for CS. Four years later, DH decides to let SD (now 15) live with BM. The "second" he says that (I'm not kidding), BM files for CS. That is December 2007. SD was supposed to start school at BM's in January 2007. She was even there the night before school was to start. BM called DH to come get SD because she refused to take her until she got CS! So SD came back to live with us for another five months. Finally, in January 2009 we settled the case. Now BM gets CS, retroactive to June 2008 (when SD moved to live with her). I completely don't see how this is fair. We didn't even get back CS from December 2007 to May 2008, when SD was with us. Let alone the four years we had custody of her!

So yes, I absolutely agree BMs should pay CS. But it seems to me that custodial fathers think they are "lucky" to get custody and are afraid to rock the boat by asking for CS.

I totally agree here

Dads are so afraid to rock the boat when they have custody that they are willing to pay out the ass for it. Why should BM's get away with being dead beats? This is so true in our case. DH is afraid to have BM lose it if he serves her papers for modification that he keeps putting it off. I say screw her! We need that $250 extra a month more than she does, and if she actually got a JOB we wouldn't owe her anything! We pay for everything and that extra money coming in would be such a relief.

This woman ...

She's not in a position where she can even go for child support. She WILL get all up in her feelings though. And might try to do drastic things, but will she get a job and do what she needs to do - - NO. She right now, gets blowed every day, parties all of the time, as a different man over everytime SD talks to her - -- if she does file for custody - she's not even in the same ballpark! But I would like to make her go "WHUUT??"LOL...

Well i think it is sad to think she is not paying on her

own. If she gave birth to the child, no matter what the reason if the child is not living with her. She should want to financially do her part to provide for her child.

I want to live where ever

I want to live where ever you live! CS laws in NC are terrible and antiquated. BM doesn't want to work? A-OK with the courts, Dad doesn't want to/can't find a job - Too bad, so sad - pay up!

I personally think that CS should be put on hold and not given to BM's after the kids are in school, if the BM does not work at least part time. They have no excuse at that point to stay home, especially if they have an education that their ex-h paid for!

I know!

YOu would think that she would want to at least give her kid SOMETHING...geez. She hasn't even given her a pair of shoes or clothes. I just think that she doesn't even care that she is a mother. She had SD as a trick for DH anyway. So, I think she's like "ohh well"...

Courts

I think most courts insist that the NCP parent pay some form of support - and why wouldn't they?? Talk about deadbeat dads, why not consider one who doesn't provide for their child a deadbeat mom? It's the same thing.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

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