I am new, and really need some SM advise!!!!
I am the SM of a 3 year old little boy. I have been with his father since he was a month old. My SS is at the age where he says what he wants, thinks he can do what he wants, and is just plain 3!!! Since the day I came into his father’s life everyone has referred to me by my first name. The only time anyone has ever called me anything other than that would be a stranger that would just assume I am his mother. Suddenly he has started calling me "Mommy" and then my first name, but only here and there and usually he says mommy first and then corrects himself with my first name. Well apparently he went home to BM's and said something about "Mommy (my name)"! Both his father and I received an email from BM telling us that if she hears him say that one more time, she is going to make things very difficult for us! I think the thing that bothers me the most is that this little boy is 3 years old, and she acts as if he is 7 and we are telling him to call me this. I think she is overanalyzing things big time! He knows who his mother is, and always will. I would never ever try and take that roll from her, but I am also very flattered that he looks at me in a motherly way! He came up with this name all on his own; we have never taught him to say that. I am more than good to this kid, and treat him as if he is my own. I am very involved in the raising of him, and his mother just can't stand it for some reason. I would think that she would be happy that her ex is with someone that cares soooo much about her son and is willing to be so good to him. If it wasn't for me her ex would have probably left the country and never seen his son. She gave him so much grief in the beginning, would only let him see his son for a few hours, one day, every other week. She didn't give THEIR son his last name, and didn't even let him have any part in the say of his name at all. She is constantly accusing ME of trying to be his mommy, but I'm not! Yes I love that child more than anything, he seems to love me back just as much, and we have a wonderful bond that most SP's don't have. So how am I supposed to deal with this? His father is getting ready to leave for the military, and all I see is drama when he leaves! Accusations will be flying, and I am sure she will find any reason she can to make sure I don't see my SS. I feel as though it's only going to hurt the child, but she doesn't seem to care! Ugghhh....sometimes I wonder why I put up with this, but then I see his little face and he hugs me and tells me he loves me!! That is worth all the grief in the world. However, a little advise on how to deal with pain in the butt BM would be great!!!!
Hmmm
If your SS's BM is someone you and your bf/husband can sit down and have a reasonable chat with then I would do that but be honest with her and tell her that you are NOT trying to take her place, he calls you mommy..(first name)and as a 3 yr old it's hard to correct that. If you go this route then have a tape recorder with you even if you have to be sneaky about it! Let her know that you love him just as much as she does, you have his best interest at heart, you have no intentions of taking her place what so ever. Also reassure her that you will NEVER try to interfere with the mother son relationship they have and that when he reaches an age you all feel is appropriate then you can ask him to just call you by your first name. If you can't sit down with her then email her if that's possible and then you can have that for your records. I personally would recommend the email idea first, because then if she is the type to be vicious or lose her temper then your not making it easy for her to hit you in front of the child. And if she gives you a negative response and it should end up in court a judge will see your trying to be reasonable given the child"s age as well as trying to settle it like an adult without confrontations!
I have been in this situation also. Still do have arguments about it at times also! But my skids are 10 and 11. My husband and I have full custody of them. We sat down with the kids from day one that I have been involved with my husband and told them if they want to call me mom that's their choice and if they would rather call me by my first name then that's fine also. Whatever makes them feel comfortable. Of course BM flipped out about it, so we had to come up with another option and now they call me by my first name whenever they are around there mom or are referring to me. My daughter (SD) dislikes that so she usually calls me "she" or if we are dealing with drop offs then they both just say goodbye I love you, if BM isn't outside then they say mom otherwise it ends at I love you!
I hope everything works out for you! Just hang in there and don't give up. If your not doing it now, then I would start documenting everything. Phone calls..dates, times how long you talked (I realize he is still little but it would help if he does call you both) What you do on your visits with him, what you talk about, eat, what time he goes to bed......every single detail..try to include times, dates...if you have ticket stubs or proof that backs up places you have gone to then save them and keep them with your documents.
Sadly this is not the first
Sadly this is not the first time she has accused me of taking over the mommy roll. I have told her time and time again that I have no intentions to take her roll, but she seems to just be very jealous and insecure! I can't help that she is that way either, so I don't know what else to tell her. Most of our conversations are through email, and I save EVERYTHING! I doccument everything as well, just incase we should ever need it. My ex has tried talking to her as well, but it just seems to be a lost cause. Sometimes I think she likes the drama and this is why it is so repetative. I think my SS is going to call me whatever he feels comfortable calling me, and that is the way I think it should be. I could understand the BM getting upset if I was just some girl that wandered into her sons life and he was older, but I have been there since he was pretty much born. I feel as though she wants me to repremand him for calling me that too. I just hope that as we all grow with him she will realize that I am a "motherly" figure to him, yet I respect her position as his BM. Thanks for the advise, hopefully things will come together!!
This one is tricky
Since you have been around his whole life, he probably does see you as Mommy So-and-So. You didn't ask for him to call you that, but you don't want to hurt his feelings to by saying, "no you can't call her that." A 3 year old won't understand.
I'm sorry BM is giving so much trouble. Maybe DH can talk to her and explain to her that it needs to just ride it's course for now, and maybe when he gets older, tell SS to just call you by name.
My BFF calls her SD "daddy Joe" and her real dad "daddy Bob" (not their real names, lol). Her SD came into their lives when she and her sister were young (like 2&4) and they love all their "parents" the same. I wish more families could be that way.
You got that right! I would
You got that right! I would give anything for things to be that simple. But such is life, and I'm sure things will play out the way they should. Thanks for the advise
JEALOUSY
That is all it is... she is jealous of the relationship you have with her son, and sadly but true, she is willing to make her son pay the consequences, which is pretty cruel...
It sounds like "Daddy" has been manipulated, and needs to go legally. She cannot just choose to "make it difficult" becuase the little one decided to call you "mommy geeka80"... that is absurd. You have been with him his whole entire life, OF COURSE HE IS GOING TO SEE YOU AS A MOTHER FIGURE.
Again, get legal advice, because this woman cannot just choose NOT to give her son the dad's last name, is his son too, and definitely NOT choose to make it difficult.
Been There
I have been in the same situation and I agree that it is jealousy, plain and simple. My husband has a 5yo the I have been involved with since she was 2yo. She calls me MommyCrystal from time to time. I allow his kids to call me by whatever name they are comfortable with. While I am not their mother, I am a motherly figure in their lives and I would never tell tham that they couldnt call me mom if they wished, just like I would never tell them they HAD to call me mom. These women need to realize how lucky they are that their children are with a positive and nurturing woman when they can be with her!!!
Some BM's are very touchy
about the title of mom. It isn't that you have told your SS to call you mom, he just identifies you in that role which is wonderful! Though she may be mad, she sounds as if this is just another thing to get riled up over. If it weren't this it would be something else. At our skids' school registration their BM started screaming at me because I had signed the parent contact form along with DH, even though she wasn't being excluded and needed to sign too. She just couldn't handle that other people might identify me as a parent.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
Oh gosh, I already see my
Oh gosh, I already see my future after reading this! LOL!!! Oh the joys of step parenting!!! You know, they call you a step PARENT for a reason.... hence the word PARENT!! C'mon BM's, give us a break why don't ya!
He is only 3
wow he is just a toddler and of coarse he is going to see you as a mother figure,You have been in his world since he was a month old,If there is any chance of reasoning or sitting down with BM then Dh and you and Bm should maybe give it a shot,If not the circumstance then manoman she needs to grow up,
After me and my DH married
After me and my DH married on Saturday, Sunday when we dropped off the kids my SD called me Mom. My DH did not hear it and as soon as he came back to the car I told him that he should call the EX right then and tell her what SD had said. He should explain that neither of us has told her to do that she just did it on her on. She went inside and told her mother that she had another mom now. Well of course BM saw red... She told SD that I was not another mother, etc. But the funny thing is, the man she cheated on with, wife was pregnant at the time they all divorced. Well the "baby" born after she and cheater married calls her Mommy.... Now tell me if that ain't something. I really don't think she ever thinks about that. And of course if I was the Biomom of the "baby" I would cut it's tounge out so it could never call her that again. (Not really but I would make it very clear that she is in no way your Mommy. If it wasn't for her we might still have a family.)