Step Daughter and Ex wife
I'm new to step talk but not new to the stupid step parenting issues.
My husband has kids one being AA daughter that lives in NY and we live in CA. His ex lives in NY too and she by far one of the most unbelievable mean and nasty person you will ever meet. To say the least, she has cause us a lot of issues over the years and we just basically keep away from her. His daughter who is 21 is graduating from a trade college and she wants him to come and I said that I wasn't going to bring our daughters across the country for basically an overnight adventure. They are 3 1/2 and 10 months. It would be just too much for them. I told him that he should go but that I didn't like the idea since his ex would be there and in December his daughter happened to mention the her mother was still in love with her father. Now they had been divorced 7 years before I even met my husband and at the time his ex was engaged to be married so it's not like I took anyone from anyone!
I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time with his ex other than the graduation and the graduation dinner to follow. Come to find out that he not only spent those times with them he ALSO went for dinner with his EX and Daughter the night before paid for the dinner and then his daughter had a professional photographer come and take tons of pictures of them with us footing the bill. Now, I know about you but this really really really upset me. I mean I feel that very understanding when it came to the time together at the graduation stuff but to really go to dinner and PICTURES. I mean it really made me feel uncomfortable with the whole thing. Would any of you out there that our steps be ok with this situation happening to you? And my husband just came back with the excuse that he was doing it for his daughter. That isn't good enough for me. I'm his wife should my feelings matter too? Help!
Give him one pass for this!
Why he did this, who knows. But I would make it clear he is NEVER to do this again! re. pictures and to me, even the 'family dinner'.
I would be sure too, that there is no weird communication between him and BM. And SD needs to give up the ghost, the ship of their marriage has sailed! and they need to understand that. I mean he has two kids with you, what more does it take to show, he has moved on?!! He needs to clarify this and not send any further mixed messages.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Yes, i would be upset...
Why do people insist on pretending to be a "family" when they are not, for the sake of "the children"... ?
I think he should have taken his daughter to dinner... but why include the mom? the thought of it makes me uncomfortable...
I would be totally pissed off with the dinner, let alone the FAMILY PICTURES... SORRY WAKE UP PEOPLE... they are not family...
I don't agree with having both parents in a picture... why that? not even for a wedding... you can a have a picture with your mom, and then a separate picture with your dad... I don't see the need for "family pics"... it stopped being a family when the divorced papers were being signed...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
You poor thing. I would be so upset about the pictures too. I don't even like to see photos of DH and BM together when they were married!! I think you should explain to him that it hurts you to see those pictures- he should understand that! How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot??
SD and ExWife I get it, but we need to get over it
The reason these things upset us is that I believe that we are territorial! It's jealousy and that's all it is. But you have to control it and get over it. I read that "they are not a family" since the divorce papers were signed. I get it but don't agree. My SD wrote a very sad poem about a picture of her, her mom and dad taken at the beach when she was 3 (she's 15 now). The poem was very good and was put up on display at school! The poem asked questions like, see the happy family - were they ever happy?? Stuff like that. I asked to see the picture and when she showed it to me my heart tugged a little and my stomach flipped. BUT I GOT OVER IT and certainly said nothing to SD or to DH. The reality is - YES, MY DH DID LOVE BM AT ONE POINT (just as I had ex's that I loved at one point that don't mean the same thing to me now!). Yes, they did have a home and a child. Yes, they were AND STILL ARE to some extent a "family". A broken family, an extended family, a dysfunctional family - are all FAMILIES. Don't work yourself up over this Pruvan. You have bigger battles to fight and bigger fish to fry. And I"m sorry ladies I disagree about SD wedding and other photos. Pruvan wasn't there.. that's the only reason why she wasn't at the dinner and in the photos. Let's not make this into something it is not. I"m not even sure that SD had an ulterior motive. Can't it just be nice for SD to enjoy her mom and dad getting along to celebrate her and her college graduation? I'm sure we all have ex's in our life... Some more ex's than others!!
There's a reason those people are EX'S. Give you DH a break and let this one go. I'm sure if you told him you were a little jealous over the photos, he'd laugh and tell you you were being silly.
Holly
It wasn't a just for the hell of it dinner.. It was a dinner between mom, dad and daughter the night before graduation. Are we all really so insecure about our relationships that we feel a dinner like that would ruin our marriage?? Please. And this is also after DH had traveled across the country. Let them have a nice dinner for daughter.
I thought the professional photos were at graduation, not at dinner the night before. The issue with the photos was that it was a lot of extra $$ that DH had to foot the bill for.
I just think that this is silly. The man has been divorced for SEVEN years! BM is an EX wife. He has a wife that he has children with. Wife just couldn't come. I stand by what I said.. there are bigger fish to fry, battles to fight. When my SD was going through some severe emotional issues, I was telling my DH... call your Ex. Sit down with her. Discuss this stuff with her. And if he had to go to dinner to do so, I encouraged it. Don't forget - there's a REASON they are ex's. I'm sure if you ask your DH why he is divorced he will tell you. The only time I may not be okay with something like this is if the DH and Exwife are RECENTLY divorced and if it was not due to DH's wishes. Then I'd be nervous. Otherwise, 7 years after the fact, it's not worth fighting about.
And I really get weary of the whole "it's not acceptable" stance on dealing with BM, like the DH's have no right or reason to deal with BM unless under close guarded supervision so they don't stray!! Or that we can force on them exactly HOW they should do it. We married divorced men with children. That is why we are here. Beating the guy up because he has to deal with his ex wife is like marrying a stripper and then being pissed off at her because she looks good in lingerie and knows how to move in the bedroom. It doesn't make sense to me.
Nope, if BioDad or SS wanted to have a dinner with my wife
without me, for any reason, the answer would be HELL NO! As for paying for the X's dinner, nope. That would not happen either on this planet or any other.
Though we do not have young children to deal with and I understand why you did not go, if it was me I would have gone to the graduation and been the proud doting StepParent and proud spouse. I would have turned up the happy factor and kept it front, center and in the X's face.
I am sorry but the Photog thing was completely out of line. When the photographer showed up I would have pulled the daughter aside and said "We can go together after the meal. You and your Mom can go after I fly home".
We have kept our family and my SS's BioDad and the SPermClan absolutely separate. He has two completely separate worlds and lives and never the two shall meet. Except for maybe at graduations and a wedding. But, that is entirely unlikely since THEY do not have either any interest in his real life or the resources to travel to the locations where graduations and a wedding are likely to occur.
But, we have contingencies in place if they do choose to show up. They can do their own thing, we will do ours at places that they could never afford to set foot in. And for sure there is not a snowballs chance in hell that WE will pay for THEM to participate.
Hopefully, for my Son's (SS'S) sake, they will not try to participate. If they do, and SS asks for my help in covering the costs for them to attend, at most I will arrange for a loan that will be fully documented that THEY WILL pay back with lots and lots of interest. If they default, I will put a lean on their house. }:)
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
Family pics....only if you
Family pics....only if you are in it!
Not the end
There will be a wedding, and then pre-wedding dinner (plus pictures). There will be babies.
I've been in a similar situation. The best thing you can do is try to remember that you are married to your husband and that he is part of YOUR family. Focus on YOUR family. You can't control him. When you try, you look controlling and he feels justified to do whatever he wants. He probably shares his anger with his daughter (who shares it with BM) and makes it even worse.
I let my DH go whenever he wants to go see his kids. I could care less. But me and my kids almost never go. My stepchildren are all adults, and behave as if they are toddlers banging their fists on the floor. Every part of their lives that is wrong is because of me. That's not entirely their fault. My MIL and their mother trained them that way from early on. But the point is, I'm no longer making myself available to witness their behavior. IF someday they don't act like Paris Hilton and treat me as the gum on the bottom of their shoes, things might be different. But I no longer feel obligated to see any of them. I might add, the peace I have experienced has been divine.
When they start having weddings, if they can't behave, I'll simply take our kids on a separate vacation. If my DH wants his ex back, he could go for her (really doubting he'd want to divorce all over again and pay CS, while inheriting all the problems back that he had with her). But I find that highly unlikely.
Bottom line.... get YOUR life, enjoy YOUR husband, raise YOUR kids, and make YOUR extended family your focus.... not HIS. I used to fret so much because my MIL (dysfunctional, controlling bag who still can't let go of her baby boy who is 50) hated me so much. I used to fret because my stepchildren acted so horribly towards me. DH's sister used to snub me. So many of them, and only one of me, that I couldn't help but think I had done something to deserve their wrath.
Then I started to consider.... my family never acts like any of them. My friends don't act like any of them. There are stark comparisons between DH's family and anyone I am close to. So yes, it is possible that they are a pack of hyenas and perhaps I should steer clear from them.
Now they aren't happy because they don't see MY children so much. Ohhhhh, someone else has a consequence now, besides me?? Those complaints fall on deaf ears as I enjoy MY family.