At least you got a gift card. I paid for the flowers and they forgot to order me one. And if you believe that I've got some ocean front property in Arizona I am looking to get rid of.

I hear you on gift giving. Last year I got YSD a digital camera and my DH's mother and stepdad nice gifts and DH never paid me back for them. He felt really bad about it too. He did get his other children $50 gift cards each to Wal-Mart. We got no presents from any of the children. It gets better. YSD's husband went off because he didn't want a digital camera as their family's Christmas gift so my DH got him an el cheapo DVD player and also put that under the tree. The day YSD's husband was over opening presents he made a comment someone had already given him a DVD player, etc. How rude! All he had to do was say "thank you" and return it to Wal-Mart and get something else.

My husband told me this year not to put any of my own personal money into his children's gifts. If he can't afford to get them gift certificates/gift cards, he will deal with the backlash. I really don't win either way. If he doesn't save up for the gift cards, he will give me less money to pay the household bills so his grown children don't think he's a "bad Dad." Sigh. We did agree I am not cooking separate meals this year for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If the children want to visit us outside of the BIG DAY I cook the BIG MEAL, they can chip in their hard earned money and we can order pizza.

My DH's kids have wish lists too. How crass to put something like that on Facebook. DH and I pick a gift we both want for the holidays and that's our gift to one another. Lately we're looking at high definition tvs. Those greedy mongers of his will just have to deal with us having nice things and them going without. Christmas isn't about gifts anyway. It's about celebrating the birth of Christ and enjoying the company of family and friends--key word being ENJOY. Isn't it terrible how these grown children PLAY their own parents and stepparents who've done so much for them already? Talk about ungrateful.

Me (41). DH (53). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us: SD (32), SS (29), SS (29), SD (26), SD (22) and SS (18). DH has been married twice before me.

Wicked, your first clue where you stood in this clan should have been when your husband unilaterally decided his children were moving into your home without discussing it with you and told you to either accept it or hit the road. If your husband doesn't even show you a morsel of respect, why should his children?

You handled the wedding with class. Even though you spent time and money on the planning, you didn't let your feelings ruin the special day for the bride and groom. What you do from here out though is a different story. I wouldn't allow one single cent of my money to go towards anything for your husband's ungrateful brats. If necessary, If you have a joint bank account I would split those up where each of you have your own account and you share a joint household account for the paying of the bills. Each of you puts your portion into the household account for the bills first and then whatever is leftover is what he gets to spend on his kids.

I would cut them out of my life moving forward. I wouldn't even ask about them. You'd be surprised how liberating that is.

I think you need to realize that you do have a voice in your marriage. Call his bluff. If he isn't bluffing then so be it. At least you won't be wasting your life with someone who obviously doesn't love you the way you should be loved.

I would use the $25 gift card to buy them a Xmas present & get them nothing else. You could also throw into conversation that you're wondering when the £1500 for the flowers is going to be paid back - if their not even a little grateful for what you'ev done for them then why should you ahve to pay towards their wedding?

UGH! You guys are making me very depressed with all of this, as I am seeing my future in your posts with my uber-spoiled SDs.

And although DH is getting better, I just see this pattern of "ME ME ME" continuing well into adulthood. (They are currently 19, 17 and 14). Especially with SD19. She is worst of all.

Totally materialistic and into her "labels." MUST have her Coach bags and Rainboots. And Burberry bags and scarves and coats. And let's not forget, ONLY Tiffany jewelry.

And she hasn't worked to earn ANY of this herself. We just put it on our Christmas and birthday lists. But not at "BMs" house, of course- only on "Dad's Lists".

And she is already "expecting" a $75K "Tiffany-color" wedding at the Four Seasons- all paid for by Daddy of course. Ummmm....NO! I don't think so. When DH and I got married, OUR wedding (honeymoom included) only cost less than $10K, so there isn't any WAY IN HELL we're shelling out all this cash for Princess, especially after we're paying $53K/yr+ for her lavish college "experience"! (And BM doesn't pay a DIME for this, either)

Dear God, does it EVER STOP???? It's 8:30 in the morning and I feel like I need a drink already.

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

All this is just sickening. And so sad. wicked, can you get your DH to go to counseling to talk this through? Surely he can see the great disconnect between what you provided and what you received. I agree with the others, it's over as far as you sacrificing for those "kids."
They will continue to do this as long as it is allowed. They are plain and simple and with malice, using you. In effect you are in the position of trying to buy their love. And they gleefully withhold it.

The question is, will your DH back you up? If not, then you will need to disengage for your own sanity and also protect your own resources and interests. He needs to grow a set and stick up for his wife.

Stepaside, your OSD reminds me of DH's oldest sister. She was always very pretty but a complete narcissist and abuser. After cheating on her 2nd husband, father of her boys, she has not been able to find another long-term BF or husband. They always break up with her for someone else, someone nice I guess. So at 50 plus, this woman is seriously twisted and took ownership of my DH (before we were married) and then tried to make our lives hell. I hope OSD "gets it" but it's hard to instill empathy once they are a narcissist. Maybe an act of God?
My SD is similar, I think bi-polar, she always has volatile relationships and gets dumped even though she's pretty and fun. She's grown up a lot since having her baby and now has a nice BF. I hope she continues to grow up and really lives up to her potential. DH putting his food down with tough love really escalated that process, I'm glad to say.He was in the loser-Daddy, gimme me gimme trap when I met him. Not any more!!!

I've been waiting all day to respond to this one!!

Unfortunately, NO MORE blogging (for over a year, actually) at my workplace. So, I followed this and SEETHED, Wicked...

Wow, do I feel your pain.

I have THREE adult BRAT infantile SDs (geez, now 30, 29, 26). And I thought things were getting better. Actually, they were. Almost two years ago (after dancing around them and trying to be their "friend" for four years, only to realize that they had no intention of ever making me feel includec), I lay the smack down and told them that the next time they treat me like a STRANGER in my own home, disrespect me in any way, etc. I AM DIVORCING DADDY. (And, "daddy", or DH, like your guy, is a total wimp. He does the same thing with them..."Give her a couple days, she'll get over it..." and it's like my feelings are totally invalidated.

Well, it must be adult BRAT full moon time, because the seond one (now 29) put me in the same spot as you are, Wicked, I think this is IT and I'm getting out....

I work my butt off, so does my H. We (I probably more than "daddy") have been above and beyond generous with them. Well, the 29 year old "little girl" has no responsiblity. Luckily, she does NOT live with us, but it's always something with her. She's deep in debt. YET, she has money to get elaborate tattoos every time the sun comes up...

Two weekends ago, H and I decided to go away for three days. Not three weeks, not three months, three days. Well, I guess that "daddy" was not available, it was time to act up. She gotr her SECOND DUI in 2 years, totalled her car (DH's response rather than "That's it. She has to grow up and start acting like an adult!!) was for me to be GRATEFUL that she didn't call us and spoil our ONE AND ONLY LONG WEEKEND all year.

WTF? This girl can't keep a man, they all run like HELL (even the losers!!) She's in big trouble with the law, no doubt, I want her the hell out of my life until she grows up. But, I'm the bad one. And, I'm sick of this.

My own 17 year old took care of the pets, the house, etc. that weekend. Not an issue. This one has to put daddy in tears.

As long as I/we stay, we're saying this is OK. Maybe it IS time to leave.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Wicked - Did you bail out the flowers with your personal $1500 or was this money from a joint account? Did any of the money for this wedding come from your seperate funds? If these were your personal funds, I would present the $1,500 bill to your husband to handle - I would tell him that I would not care how he wanted to handle it as long as reimbursement came back to you- even if it means he pays you! Your husband clearly stated that the wedding should be how his son wanted it so your husband can not expect you to personally fund any of it since SS deliberately snubbed you during this ceremony.

Also, just curious why didn't the brides family pay for most tf the wedding? If the bride could not afford to then why din't they scale back on the wedding to something that they could more reasonably manage?

As the SM to two adult skids we went through something similar when they got married. Nothing we did was good enough! Everything was criticized. I was deliberately snubbed at SS's wedding as were our minor BDs. Like you, I still did the best I could for SS and his new wife overlooking the obvous snub - even when MIL is loudly bringing it up during the service (LOL)and despite the fact that we were paying for this wedding and rehearsal party with no help from BM who had spent years trying to make our live's miserable! I am just glad that is behind us!

OMG this is horrible.

Hello I am new to this forum. I got married in 08 and before our 1st yr Skids were dropped of at our doorstep too! Husband said accept or walk away...I felt I had to accept. The Skids are 8 and 11 yrs. I really had a tough time adjusting and now that I am there I would hate for their mother to come back and try to play the role of "mother." I would most certaintly feel hurt and disrespected. Maybe you can adress that to your Sson and tell him how hurt you are. This scares me because I am young 25 no kids of my own, and if I spend all my years guiding Skids I would expect that they would put me first before their abusive mother. All I can say is I am so sorry you are going through this.

Your husband doesn't want to confront his son and stick up for you? Unnacceptable! If he won't, then you should. Hold the skid accountable for his actions! You need to know where you stand.

Usually when my husbnad does stupid things like this i basically tell him here is the bill for your kids that i coughed up , you owe me.
i would say something to stepson and then i woudl tell my hubby i want this money back or basically if you have a joint account take it out of them systematically. i'm sure your hsuband wont even notice constant withdrawls and before he figures it out ,you can take back all the money you put into this wedding. Not the greatest vindication but its something.
Stop doing anything for them from now on.

This is the main reason why i stepped back a few years ago and basically backed off. i dont want to place myself in such a position of feelign used and abused.
i'm so sorry this happened to you but i woudl chew my husband out and tell him to give me back the cash. i would tell off your stepson and basically tell himall you've done and give him back his measly 25$ gift.

Please, you have got to manage your expectations. They will NEVER be gracious to you. That is not your fault. It is theirs. They were so lucky to have you. The problem is that you have been treated like crap. Try, if you can, to emotionally walk away. My thoughts are with you. good luck.

I hope you get your piano. You deserve it.

Get your husband to pay you back out of the joint account or his personal funds ASAP. Then the repayment of the loan will be between your husband and his son where it belongs! You should not be placed in the middle of this by your husband!

If your husband choses to not pursue repayment of the debt at least it will then not affect your personal funds! Plus the issue of the loan may mean a little more to your husband if it actually comes out of his own funds!

This is a question you have to ask yourself. It's obvious after all this time your husband has no interest in correcting the problem. I know if I were him, I would have a damn good sit down with my children and lay the law down. If he has no interest in even sticking up for you his WIFE...tell him you will use the gift card to start buying things for YOUR new apartment. There are things you can let slide...but years of it? give him an ultimatum...he either deals with this..or you go and find yourself a life with dignity and respect.

Purpleflower

What a terrible experience...I say take the 25$ to bed baths and beyond and get them a basket for a max of 25 $ (tax included) and leave the price tag on...is this what really happens when you get married to a man with kids? You know WSM I had tears in my eyes...I am thinking to myself, when we get there...is that what my ss will do? I have been in his life since he was 3 months old...will he treat me like crap on his big say too? but I have learned a valuable lesson from your story...I am right to try and involve myself the LEAST possible...if I dont expect anything from ss, then I cant be dissapointed...the worst is your husban...how dare he not stick up for you? I think thats the worse...had he said something, even if the skid was an ingrateful little goat, if your hubby had backed you up, would have made it better...

Sounds like your stepson and my stepdaughter are cut from the same cloth. My DH and I have been married for TEN years. He was married for 28 years to the ex. His oldest (36 years old - he has 4 daughters, whom he has labeled as "evil" - so I am stepmom to "the evil stepdaughters" - but I digress...) was married two months ago. When she announced the engagement we took her and the fiance out for dinner, gave them an engagement gift from Tiffany's, gave her a check for wedding expenses. When we arrived at the wedding, I was told by the matron of honor (bride's sister, another stepdaughter) that there was a "mix-up" by the florist, so no corsage for me - I replied, "that's ok, I am allergic to flowers anyway". Then, after the ceremony, before the reception, while the photos were being taken, my dh is "tricked" into posing in photos with the ex-wife (whom he despises - they have not spoken since the separation 12 years ago - two years before I met him). His sister, the biggest BIT** in the world, informs me that I may be the love of his life for the past 10 years, but the mother of his children was the love of his life for 28 years before that - so I'm thinking, "what's her point?" My two daughters, whom my husband adopted, did not attend the wedding as they have always been made to feel unwelcome. His sister (my SIL, I guess, but I refer to her as my husband's sister, as I really have no relationship with her, and don't want one) then informed me that his ex is still "depressed" over the break up of the marriage (more than 12 years ago) and we should all feel sorry for her. I tried to encourage everyone to tell her she needs to "get over it" as she has wasted 12 years licking her wounds (btw, my dh always said it was SHE who wanted the divorce and she did not want him until he married me - mainly because I am much younger than her, she now can't live without him) So then I have to hear from my MIL (who is 84 years old) that he had four children with her, not just one or two - again, I ask myself, "what is her point?" This is what I have to listen to constantly. Never thought I would still be unwelcome TEN years into the marriage. Have thought about walking away, but my dh would be devastated and after all, who cares what they think, he loves me and he actually stood up at the wedding and wished his daughter (who married a divorced man with children) and her husband the same second chance at happiness and love that he has with me - at that point, the ex wife walked out of the reception in tears and my husband's busy body sister and mother were staring daggers at my dh and me - go figure...