My partner was an idiot when it came to handling his divorce... I need to VENT!
My partner shares custody of his daughter with his ex wife. They have joint physical and joint legal custody. They have a 2 week on 2 week off schedule, we keep her half the month and her mother keeps her for the second half of the month. When they divorced, they didn't use lawyers, didn't go to court, didn't go to mediation. Like a lot of men here, my partner didn't handle things well at all and just let her dictate to him what she wanted and signed on the dotted line. The papers say that custody is split 50/50, and that he pays her $410/mo in child support and an extra $75 for "travel expenses"... she decided to move 2 hrs away and move in with her parents. It also said that he needed to pay back support for every single month that he didn't pay her support since the day she left him for another man, so from September of 07 up until December of 08, he owes back support according to the papers. It states that he provides medical insurance if it is not available to her mother. That's basically all it says. There is no custody arrangement drawn up, no telling how they're supposed to split other costs. Nothing.
My partner refused to pay the $75/mo and they decided together that he would pay her $425/mo and stick with that. He put his daughter on his insurance plan through work, which has a very high premium and deductible. She is going to be starting preschool in the fall and his ex wife expects him to pay for it himself, not split the costs.
She is hanging this extra $75/mo that he owes her over his head now, and the back support that he supposedly owes her. So that she doesn't have to pay for anything. I want to strangle him. How could he be such an idiot. Pardon my language, but he really handled this poorly. I mean, c'mon now, of course this is going to happen. The papers say that you owe her that money, you shouldn't have signed them, and of course this is her way of making sure that she has something to pin on you so that she doesn't have to help out.
In the year 2009, we have had his daughter in our home more than 50% of the time, in fact we had her for 4 months straight. We have kept record of all of this.
We have spoken to an attorney, who told us that the order drawn up for their divorce is basically crap. We really cannot easily afford a lawyer, a court battle, or anything of that sort. And he is terrified that he will lose, that he'll walk away with less than what he has now. I wish that I could have a better idea of what his ex is really entitled to.
He makes a lot more money than he did even a year ago, and I am thinking CS could likely increase. $425/mo is really not a lot of money to us, anymore. We'd be owing her a pretty penny if she were actually taking 20% of his income and it would hurt us a lot.
I hate giving her any CS at all, because I don't believe it's necessary when you have a 50/50 arrangement. He is already putting in more effort than she is, by constantly tacking on an extra weekend with his daughter, paying for all medical costs, and providing her with shoes, winter coats, rain boots, and whatever else she needs since her mother won't provide them herself. We'll most likely be paying for preschool as well. The CS money goes to make her car payment. She doesn't have a job, lives with her BF who pays the bills. She basically does NOTHING, and I can't understand why it's my partner's job to continue supporting her. What exactly is she expected to do? If she can't support her daughter, let the child live here full time, where we can provide!
I don't know if I can stick around. I don't know if I can take care of his daughter the majority of the time, have his ex wife constantly harassing our family, having money problems because this b*tch is a money grubber and doesn't feel that she is responsible for her own child, and dealing with his baggage! I think that he's going to allow this woman to drag him around by a leash until that child turns 18, and he's enabling this because he is handling this so poorly!!! He should've been smarter about this, and he needs to grow a back bone.
He's a good man, and a good father, but he is HORRIBLE at dealing with this stuff and I don't know if I can be here to help clean up the mess.
The best way to deal with
The best way to deal with this is to modify. Even if she gets an increase, at least she won't be nickeling and diming you guys every time she sees an opportunity. You also will have the benefit of the protection of the order and she won't be able to tack on additional expenses. She will also be responsible for 5% of any unreimbursed medical expenses.
It is just a lot less of a headache to have everything on the up and up. This way she won't have anything over his head and you guys can move on.
Uh...how is this 50/50
Uh...how is this 50/50 arrangement going to work when the child starts pre-school? Grade School? It isn't. That alone is reason for a modification of custody. BF can possibly modify the arrears and travel cost stipulations while he's at it.
The parents need to come to an agreement on their own or through the court before the child starts school. One or the other will either be the visiting parent or somebody is going to have to move. It sucks to think about but this needs handled before anything else.
If BM is stressing about pre-school then say you'll pay but daughter is going to be enrolled in your school district. Since BM doesn't have to adhere to work schedule she can make the drive. BTW...This will give you an advantage on continuing daughters education in your area. I don't know if BM knows this or not but now you do
It's not possible. He has
It's not possible. He has discussed this with her and she is all over the place. Back in August, she made it clear that SD would go to school here and live with us. Now she says that she and her new boyfriend will be moving down here. She says that way we can continue with 50/50 and SD can go to school. They have been talking about moving since October. We don't know what's going to happen. She gave us the go ahead and look at some schools, and she wants to take a look at the school we choose and give it her approval. We don't know if it'll actually work out the way she says it will, or not.
It's so frustrating. I don't know if I believe that they'll be moving down here. Just over Christmas, she said that her boyfriend lost his job and they were struggling to make rent and could barely feed themselves. They're expecting a baby in March.
ah...now I see why BM is
ah...now I see why BM is stressing about the arrears and travel costs. Her sugar daddy is unemployed now. And baby is due so she won't be working either. She's up shit creek to say the least.
I say go ahead and sign SD up for pre-school in your area. BM has already agreed. If she doesn't move into the same area as you two then she'll just have to commute.
Everyone's posts have been
Everyone's posts have been really enlightening. I have been in a relationship with my BF for coming up to 9 months. He is barely on talking terms with his ex wife, he gets the kids every other weekend, but they live in a different place to him so he ends up sleeping at his sisters house who lives nearby to his exwife and kids. I havent pushed him on exact dates, but he has been separated from his wife for over two years and they have a private agreement re: finances. She didnt want the divorce.
Im lucky i dont have anything to do with her, I dont feel any resentment towards her andhave only met the kids once (which went well - but frends do imply i should have seen more of them by now) and seem to be the new chapter in his life ...and the one he hoped he would have. We both love each other very much, i trust him implicitley, but he lets her wrap him round her little finger. We have spoken about this but I often feel that because he has so much on his plate its unfair of me to demand more from him. A case in point being that he pays the mortgage on the house that she is still living in with the kids, he pays her maintenance, she has the car, AND he is paying off a credit card debt she has run up. He does this to aviod further pressure down the line as apparently she is a bit mad, a liability and he is worried that she will cut him off from his children. Subsequently he cant afford to pay rent elsewhere - this is putting pressure on him but he doesnt know what to do and he is pretty easy going so just settles for the circumstances. Fortunately his work have given him somewhere to stay, but its not ideal for both of us to spent time there so he ends up staying at mine most of the time. I have a lodger who pays me rent (to share with just me) the fact that he now spends most nights per week at mine is starting to stress me out. Its not fair on my flatmate and the flat isnt big enough for three people. I would suggest he moves in and she moves out, but this would leave me exposed given the current financial market - im not dependent on her rent but it really helps, Im not sure he could afford even half of it and then there is the principle of it all - i dont really want to ask my flatmate to move out and me pay for the flat myself just so his exwife can have her cake and eat it. Im in no hurry to move in with him - it would be great but like i say.. all in good time...and we have spoken about him reducing the number of nights he stays at mine...
The biggest issue for me is whether it is worth it. That sounds so awful i love him so much, but i am fiercely independent - have never been out with someone this long !! - but have never felt this way about anyone and am very used to walking away and looking after myself. and i figure if its tough now.... I want to go travelling and have all sorts of plans (im 35 - i dont have any children yet... again im in no hurry but the clock is starting to tick) - so does he and I dream of a time when we can do all this together. im prepared to wait for him to sort this stuff out - and alter my plans to accomodate his children (which for me is a big step - trust me) but im petrified she will just keep him (and ultimately me) dangling on a string. She has said she will move out when their daughter changes school which he has agreed to.... and on hearing this I thought it was a perfectly rational plan and sounded very sensible to me.... until i found out that that isnt until 8 months away... when they have been separated for well over 2 years?!?!? She is also saying now that she wont move out until she finds someone else... So i know this isnt going to be easy.
Any advice? I have spoken to him about it and ive told him that, im going to be biased and he should take a pinch of salt - but she is taking him for a fool. He agreed and is trying to put things in order, but he is too soft. How do I tell him to get a grip without a) sounding like its because i have an issue with his ex, b) putting too much pressure on him c)i dont think its really any of my business actually but it is having an impact on me and it can only get worse - surely?
HELP!
You're not alone sister. My
You're not alone sister. My DH(non-legal marriage)was in the same predicament. He was letting himself be walked over because he was afraid she would keep his kid. I told him that is all the more reason to file. Its been almost two years and he still hasn't but at least he's not allowing to be pushed over by BM as much. And I didn't blame BM one bit for pushing. He didn't establish boundaries before.
We made a pact that the divorces would be initiated this month. Yes, I'm not divorced either but I have an MSA and Parenting Plan in place, receive CS. I'm legally seperated due to reasons I cannot disclose. He has no legal contract with the court or BM as where I do. Big difference.
If its bothering that much and you're strong enough to walk away if need be then I would give an ultimatim...to yourself. Explain to your boyfriend, you will not be able to continue a relationship with him if he doensn't file in x amount of time. You cannot continue watching your man be a whipping boy.
soon2be - i would either not
soon2be - i would either not have her enrolled in preschool (BM can watch her since shes a lazy POS).. that way you dont have that expense.. OR, just enroll her in preschool near you guys.. you pay for it, you should call the shots. I dont care how much BM thinks her input counts, if she doesnt pay then you two do what you want. I would be damned if I paid for preschool, and CS and BM got to have a say so.. sorry, but i have been telling my DH this from day one.. grow a backbone! BM needs to know that if she wants any input, then she needs to start contributing. (we ignore all of BMs complaints and requests, simply b/c she is a bitch and she doesnt contribute so we dont ever give her the time of day).. what is she going to do? she doesnt have money to take it to court. I would test these waters if I were you.
If we go ahead and keep this
If we go ahead and keep this up, and pay for all of these things ourselves... do you think that will give us any leverage if BM actually does drag him into court for the arrears and the extra $75/mo that they agreed to wave? My guess is that he wouldn't stand a chance if she just one day decided to do that, and I don't feel comfortable with him not complying with their current agreement.
It just sucks. I don't feel that he has done anything wrong. He has the amount they agreed on, every month and on time, since their divorce became final. He has put in more time raising this child than her mother has! He has always had her in his home at least 50% of the time, and at times more than that. He is willing to pay for her medical insurance and her preschool tuition without any help from that stupid cow.
I don't see how someone could slap him on the wrist and tell him he hasn't done enough. I can't understand how she could imply that he hasn't done enough. She hasn't done anything, and has openly admitted that during 2009 she was completely detached from her daughter and couldn't wait to drop her back off at her father's. Yeah, that's right. She's a worthless human being.
She only threatens him about the money if he asks anything of her. As long as he's footing the bill for everything and paying CS, she's fine. But if he asks her to split the cost of something, she threatens him. I am tired of being in this position, because he made such a stupid mistake.
I think there's just as good a chance that when her baby is born, she'll drop off the face of the earth. I think she may still flake again, and leave SD here indefinitely. I will absolutely insist that we go for custody if this does happen.
Tally up what arrears and
Tally up what arrears and travel cost would be a year. That is how much he spends on SD for costs he is paying and keep the receipts. It will all come out in the wash if you can prove it. And can shove that into BMs face if she threatens him again.
His "arrears" total $7,880
His "arrears" total $7,880 for the year they were separated, not yet divorced. Since the court order was established, he has been paying a monthly sum of $425. The order says that he's supposed to pay $75 in travel expenses and $419 in CS... so a total of $493. So the arrears are from Sept 07 through Dec 08, the full $493/mo, and then tack on an extra $900 if you're adding the extra $75 since then.
It doesn't come out and say he's in arrears, but it says that he owes her starting Sept 07, the order was final in Nov of 08.
We have had SD about 70% of the time in 2009, and BM has lived in 3 different locations since then, has never worked a full time job and is now shacking up with her new boyfriend and pregnant. Not working. We have offered to pay for preschool and medical insurance for SD. She just has to feed her and put a roof over her head during her 2 weeks out of the month.
I do plan to add up the costs, I know that in most 50/50 situations the parents split out of pocket medical expenses and preschool tuition, and things of that nature. Preschool tuition varies, but it can get pretty expensive. And our health insurance premiums are $417/mo, plus our yearly deductibles.
BM basically sat down with a legal aid clerk and wrote this up, and my SO was so damaged from the bitter breakup and having his daughter dragged all over the place... that he let everything slide. Life stopped for a while. He just signed the papers without reading them.
We often toy with the idea of hiring a lawyer and modifying the current agreement, just to get it done. Keep custody 50/50, get an actual plan written up about how they divide the month. And maybe SO could offer to pay for preschool tuition and cover her medical costs for 2010 if BM will drop the $75/mo in travel expenses and the supposed "arrears"... and they can start a clean slate from here on out, so that nobody is hanging anything over anyone's head. We won't hold it over her head that she completely walked out of SD's life for months, and that we payed CS during months that she hardly saw SD.
I would think that now would be the perfect time to do it, BM is about to have a baby and they are hurting for $.