How do I explain the skids to my toddler son?
Hi everybody. Long time no vent.
So I've reached the point of resignation - I'm married to this a-hole with all the baggage and I won't divorce him because I don't want my son to come from a broken home. Please don't try to convince me otherwise. It's not gonna happen.
So now I have to figure out how to explain the skids to my son. He's 1 1/2. The skids live 2000 miles away and we only see them once a year, if that. They do call with some regularity and now that the baby is beginning to understand what we're saying, I'm concerned about him hearing my husband say "Hi honey, it's Daddy" into the phone - thinking this will be pretty confusing to a little guy who's only ever heard his Daddy say it to him.
Also, we have some "life events" coming up - one of the skids is probably going to get married in the next year, another one will be graduating from high school, my MIL is in poor health and (God forbid) there may be a funeral in our near future. So the likelihood of seeing more of them in the next few years is very high - as is the likelihood of seeing the bowel movement, sorry, the BM/bio-mother.
I think it would be very different if they were a bigger part of our lives, for better or for worse. He would be exposed to them and would come to recognize them through "immersion" and develop his own understanding of their relationship with his Daddy and with him. But when they're practically strangers, it's going to require a more deliberate approach - an actual explanation.
How do I tell a little, tiny child that his Daddy has two families - he had another wife before Mama and he has other children. He left all of them because he couldn't get along with their mother, but don't worry honey, he'll never leave us. Really? Do you think he'll buy that?
Any advice anyone can give me would be most appreciated.
Thanks for always being here, Steptalk folks.
Blueberry's Baby
Just be honest with him.
Just be honest with him. He's still really young so big explainations aren't necessary right now. Tell him Daddy has other kids too, and let him ask questions, then answer them.
When I was laid of last April, and FW's hours were cut we had to move to a cheaper house. We told the kids I lost my job, they asked questions and we answered them.
I don't know what sort of
I don't know what sort of relationship you have with the skids, but could you ask them to be involved in your son's life as he is their half brother? Could they send photos of themselves to him, maybe say hello to him on the phone, even use a web cam? There's obviously a huge age gap there, but the earlier some kind of relationship is encouraged the better IMHO
"God never gives us more than we can cope with, I just wish he didn't have such faith in me!"
I just had an idea - what if
I just had an idea - what if I created a photo book or a wall photo collage for his room so he saw their pictures, alongside his cousins, aunts & uncles, etc.? They are family, but sort of extended family.
Would that be fair to my husband and decent "exposure" for my son?
BTW, my relationship with the skids is not good at all. I won't go into all the details, but I think most of it is typical - my husband on the other hand thinks it's just me and that nobody else in the history of man has ever had any problem with stepkids...
Blueberry's Baby
That's a really good idea.
That's a really good idea. Would your husband be okay with it?
If you talk about it in
If you talk about it in general conversion now, and make it a part of your everyday life, your son will never even remember "the talk". I was told I was adopted when I was older, and let me tell you, I'm still bitter about it. It makes you lose trust in your parents. I don't think it's really that huge a deal as your son is only 1 1/2 and will never remember them not in his life, even if it's from a distance and they're never close.
Answer his questions
Answer his questions honestly and matter-of-factly. As he gets older he'll ask more detailed questions.
Thanks, Ms. Freeze. A lot
Thanks, Ms. Freeze. A lot of my anxiety about this stems from having thought of divorcing my husband and doing a lot of study on the impact of divorce on children (my own parents are married for 47 years in December so I have no understanding of this whatsoever). One of the things I read was about how little kids struggle with their parents' divorce and then remarriage because they have such a finite understanding of family (I guess I'm the same way). To a child, family is Father, Mother, Siblings of the same parents - the nuclear family. Any variation from that concrete and very specific group troubles them beyond belief. So, great, if we stay together, we won't dump that confusion and pain on him - but how do I justify that his Daddy has another whole family somewhere? Isn't that just as damaging and challenging to his understanding of "family" as breaking up our household?
Blueberry's Baby
Blueberry's Baby, I've
Blueberry's Baby, I've struggled with this too, now that my DH and I have a 7 month old, and he has a 16 yr old from previous.
The one thing that keeps playing in my mind - is how do we assure him that daddy's not going to leave? I know he is too young now, but someday he'll ask and need that reassurance. And, will he believe us.
I was married prior also, with no children. Do you explain that mommy and daddy also loved other people before and then it ended and now mommy and daddy are together. In my mind, as a child, I would be thinking, when will mommy and daddy stop loving eachother?
It's a tough call.
"In my mind, as a child, I
"In my mind, as a child, I would be thinking, when will mommy and daddy stop loving each other?"
Exactamundo, 1Life.
Blueberry's Baby
I don't think you need to
I don't think you need to say anything until questions are asked. I also wanted to let you know that I wasn't close with my dad, stepmom, and sisters when I was a teenager. My sisters were born when I was 16&19, I didn't become close with all of them until around 21. Maybe your skids will come around and you guys will get closer when they get older (so they won't be strangers anymore). I wouldn't worry about explaining anything yet.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus