Hellish Valentine's Day
Sorry, but I really DO need to vent. We spent Valentine's Day...at HER place. I was furious! Even spending a night with my friends did not help. I offered his ring back to him...he declined, and we half-talked it out, i.e. I cried and said a lot of things and he listened, and hopefully truly realized what a big mistake HE made.
I mean, the woman told him THEY should be married (I was sitting next to him and he reported to me directly). Then I gave him the eye when the Valentine's Day visit request came from his daughter. He told little D we would have to talk it over. Since he handled that well, I said "yeah, let's go over for 15 minutes". In my mind, I figured the 15 minutes might turn into 2 hours, and was still okay with that because I expected we would LEAVE and have the rest of the day to ourselves - that's all I wanted as a gift. 5 1/2 hours, AND she started up with her reminiscing AGAIN. And he hardly said a word to me...and all that and more led to my offering him the ring back.
So, we're half-fine, but she called and asked if she could meet him, just him. He politely declined, though also added that all was not well at home (why men do that is beyond me - why ENCOURAGE the hunt?!), so she texted him "please make it happen. Just make up a reason. It's not anything bad, but nothing I can say over the phone". Double-you Tee EFF.
And I admit that I sank to the level of reading his text messages while he napped. He said I'm welcomed to do so, but was still surprised to catch me in the act...
She is driving me crazy!!! I love these kids, and she's using them, and hurting them, as well while playing her stupid games!!
Oh my. Why in the world
Oh my. Why in the world would you go over there for Valentine's Day? I'm sorry I'm asking this but... is he over her? The only way that I would spend 5 1/2 hours at Wilda's is if he clubbed me upside the head & kept feeding me sleeping pills every hour or so.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
that is bad. the BM in our
that is bad. the BM in our case has used the "cant tell you on the phone" texts...and my BF just ignored her. even stood her up when she said she would be somewhere at a certain time.
5.5 hrs is ridiculous. you should have left. and him telling her there were issues?
i think giving the ring back might be a good idea.
I go over because he asks me
I go over because he asks me to...I'm not his first relationship since their split (they were officially divorced in 2006), and he's her first ex...she's now separated from her 2nd..great track record. She ruined that one for him by calling his then gf, after he had picked up the kids from the porch, and told her they'd just had a quickie. Everything went downhill from that point. He's definitely over her. He tells me everything and almost every time she calls. What worries me is that she'll screw him over on the overnighter this coming weekend just because she can't get her way. I feel for him...he's getting it from me, WHICH HE DESERVED, and also has to fear getting it from her...and not seeing his kids...
Read
Read this:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/14238094/Stepmonster-A-New-Look-at-Why-Real-St...
Then check out www.bonusfamilies.com. You guys have some serious boundary setting and role building to think about!
"and also has to fear getting it from her...and not seeing his kids..."
He does not HAVE to fear this. He has alowed this relationship to grow into this. Is there a court order? Because if there is she can not with hold visitation, even if he was a deadbeat who never paid child support. As I said you guys have alot of stuff to work out.
I'm sure you'll get through it, but please get started on it. Don't wait. I have spent a year on an emotional rollercoaster that I strapped myself into because I didn't know any better. Well now I do. Take care of yourself, then help him. The rest will fall into place.
(Warning it has been found in studies that the first 5 years of a step-family's relationship are the hardest. Don't expect instant change!)
he is still telling her WAY
he is still telling her WAY too much...and the visit this sunday was out of line.
it sounds like you are doing a lot of excuse making...
That's the thing,
That's the thing, folkmom...I think I am, too...I don't know where to draw the line, and he makes it seem he's in no position to draw a line. He has no rights (we're in Germany, they're both German and he screwed up on the custody/visitation issue back then), and I don't want to screw it up for him, and I especially don't want to resent him because I feel like crap, but I do! This is my first time in this situation (being with a man with kids). I love him. I love myself more, and I want to save this relationship if it can be saved without playing the doormat. I just don't know how...I would love suggestions.
you answered it....you love
you answered it....you love yourself more. that is the answer. love yourself more now.
this is not going to get better. he does not have the manpower so to speak to fight his own battle and win..which w ill require you to fight for him. this will make you tired and lead to resentment.
he is not going to change.
you can't MAKE it work...just because you want it too. unfortunately he has to do stuff too and he is makign excuses. he sounds way overly involved with the exwife.
I disagree. When Dh and I
I disagree.
When Dh and I started out we both had misconstrued ideas of what our roles were supposed to be. I had never been in a serious relationship with a man with a child and he had never had a relationship since his child was born. We both had ideas of how we should act. They were actually quiet similar and VERY toxic. It took us a year, talking to a friend of the family whos a therapist and me researching everything step related online, for us to realize what we were doing to our relationship. We made ALOT of bad decisions along the way and hurt eachother more then we needed to. However things have been alot better in the last couple of months. We just had to find our niche. Every relationship has this period, its just made WAY more complicated when children are involved.
Maybe it was true... Maybe
Maybe it was true... Maybe they really had had a quickie... This guy doesn't sound like he is over this woman - whether he's romanticizing it because they share kids or what. It's true - it doesn't get better. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Blueberry's Baby
Thank you to both of you. I
Thank you to both of you. I just saw your first post, Thetis, and I will definitely be reading this when I have more private time. For now, I'm hiding the fact that I'm reading up on this, or venting. I have to say, our relationship just between the two of us, and/or as individuals with the kids, is great (for now). I seriously wanted to leave him yesterday, and he did a lot of admitting mistakes. I know though, that if I bring up the subject AGAIN right away, he'll think I'm the psycho bitch. Every time I start up (because I do...because I see what's coming, as I predicted what would come a year and a half ago - no psychic abilities, just a lot of experience with very sick-minded, mean women), I remind him that I really do think of the children, and not just myself. Today I told him how I see this will affect the children. Our being in her home so often, them sitting together chatting, him doing stuff to help her re-arrange her furniture, fix things...at some point, they will get the impression that their parents are on the road to reconciliation! Thanks for taking the time to read and answer, and for both opinions. I do appreciate them!
Hi Blueberry, The kids
Hi Blueberry,
The kids actually saved his ass after that phone call. Luckily, they had already learned to speak, but weren't old enough to tell elaborate lies! Before last year, he hadn't heard a word from her, or seen his kids since 2005. He's over her - and he gave me fair warning, so I could have left him then, but he's a great boyfriend, and a great father when he gets the chance. Even psychorella had to give him credit on the fathering skills he showed the entire time, from their births until she broke off contact.
If I have learned nothing
If I have learned nothing else through the stresses of a 2nd marriage w/Skids & a BS, this is the 1 thing I did learn & try hard to remember DAILY...
People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
Are you OK with the respect & honor level he is treating you & your relationship with? If you are, then it'd probably be best to find a way to learn acceptance. If you're not, then set your own standards of what you & your relationship deserve, share it/work on it with him & follow it. Following & respecting your own boundaries/standards is the hardest thing when you love someone. But like folkmom said, you need to love yourself more.
If you let him cross the line over the sanctity of your relationship repeatedly, what will be left in the end?
I have 'drawn the line' in the metaphorical sand & stated that I've been more than understanding for long enough - but if you cross this line again, then this is what will happen. I actually listed all the boundaries & resultant consequences on paper so it was in writing & had DH read it so that nothing could be mis-remembered. It was hard to bring myself to enforce, but it was obvious that my boundaries were not taken seriously & I did have to follow through. DH was asked to leave the house. It made me feel like crap initially. But I knew I was right & proud of myself for sticking up for myself & what I felt our relationship deserved.
I tend to be a pushover for the people I love & was tired of being taken advantage of. It wasn't a magic 'cure,' but I sit here 10 months later (with many gentle reminders), & there's a night & day difference in how I am treated & how valued our relationship is. I Hope my experience helps.
Good Luck!
That was awesome.... just
That was awesome.... just what I needed to read today.
You are so right and I admire your strength. Now all that is left is for me to do the same!