Escorting Step Daughter? Right Protocol?

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Hi BD and SD out there....I am a step-mom who needs your "dad" advice.

My husband just received a call from his bio daughter; she has asked him to escort her, along with her step-dad, up on stage during a public event/ceremony. It's a formal escort, meaning he is to "escort" her up to the podium and will be wearing a suit.

His daughter is from previous marriage - they divorced when she was nine, and now she is 14 yrs old. While his daughter is not in his home full time, they have a good relationship and talk almost every day. He attends all of her school performances and extra ciricular activities and is a very supportive dad.
The whole family, "steps" included, get along very well - good people for the most part, and they all work together for the best interest of the daughter.

However, I am in turmoil....I do not feel that it is appropriate for his daughter to have asked her step-dad to perform this honor along with him. By having the step-dad escort her as well (rather than cheering from the audience), I feel as though it's very bad manners and rude. She would be treating her father every poorly by including her step-father in this honor.

Her father does not know I feel this way, and he would never ask me to say anything. I am sure his daughter didn't even think it about how it could be inappropriate to invite her step-dad to walk her along with her father. But I feel as though someone needs to tell her that her step-dad's job is to cheer from the crowd. She HAS a dad who can be there for her, just as she has a mom. Neither of her steps (myself or her step-dad) should over-step our bounds (forgive the pun, haha).

Knowing my husband, he will go along with it and try not to let it bother him. Me on the other hand, have spent the morning trying to figure out how to correct this situation. I am ready to call the step-dad and ask him to do the right thing and decline the invitation. He has got to understand how inappropriate it would be to escort hher along with her father. He should have declined from the start. I am also ready to talk to his daughter.

So - I need your "dad" suggestions - tell me if you think I am crazy, or if you think I am right. I want to do the right thing, even if it means letting it lie and never saying a word (very hard to do, but I would do it). I can see this whole senario repeating it'self some day when his daughter gets married - that's what scares me.

--Trying to stay "Sunny Side Up".

I know my Dh would be a

I know my Dh would be a little upset with this. However, *putting on my thinking of the kids first hat* isn't it super cool that Sd can have two very of the most important people in her life walk her to the podium without fighting eachother? I think this could be really good for your Sd. Look at how grown up everyone can be!
I do not think it is inappropriate for her SDad to accept this invitation. It would be inappropriate if Sd didn't invite him then someone made a fuss so she would change her mind, or if he invited himself. I think this is a great chance for you husband to show that he wants his daughter to be happy, and he's not too selfish to do it. The biggest thing about this is the fact that SD is the one who asked! Would you think it inappropriate if this is the way she wants it on her wedding day?

This is my opinion. Good luck, it sounds like you have a great family!

Thank you - I really do

Thank you - I really do appreciate the feedback!!!! I need to put how I feel in prespective, and getting other people's views on the situation can help a great deal.

I suppose that the way I am thinking about this, is that if her father wasn't involved at all, or had died, or had "left", then yes - I would see her step-dad filling that role (and escorting her on stage)as a great and fabulous thing.
But since her dad is here, around, and actively in her life, she already has a "dad" to be the "dad" in her life. Both myself (as the step-mom) and her step-dad are special to her and love her a great deal, but I would think that we, as steps, both know our "positions". Our roles are to be supportive, but not to replace the original parents. I feel as though by having the step dad up there along side the involved dad, it's diminishing him in some way.

This might be weird for a step-parent to say about another step-parent, but he should know when he needs to take a step-back (haha). She has a dad, and while her step-dad is her friend, he's NOT her father. It upsets me that she is putting them in the same category, even though the step has only been around a few years and her dad is the ones who raised her and is an active part of her life.

When I mentioned a wedding day, I could easily see my step-daughter wanting both to walk her down the isle (she is that kind of person and wouldn't want anyone to feel left out). But there has to be a piont where she understands the difference between the two and gives her dad the honor he deserves.

I am sure that inside, my husband is thinking "I am a little sad it's not just me up there, but I am glad she feels so closely to Step Dad, wanting him to be a part of this as well".

Me, on the other hand, is really upset by this - it's as if she (step daughter) doesn't even see a difference between her dad and step-dad. As a step-mom, I want more in our relationship but know I can't be a "mom", as she already has one.
Maybe how I am feeling has more to do about my own role with my step-daughter and not my husband's role with his daughter.

Sorry guys - I didn't mean to take over your board! Men's advice needed
--Sunny

I'm looking at this another

I'm looking at this another way. In my situation, my daughter has a father and a stepdad. Her father sees her every other weekend only. He is entitled to two weeks a year, but he never takes them. He will schedule them, but he always ends up calling that he is "too busy." Also, during her father's family vacations (his brothers and sisters and their families), he never takes his daughter or his son. He always goes alone. He had remarried but has since divorced again.

My husband, my daughter's stepfather, on the other hand does everything for my daughter. In every sense of the word, he is her "dad." Whenever, my daughter's father lets her down, her stepfather is there to catch her and to hold her as she cries. When her father took her out for her birthday lunch (just the two of them), he spent the entire time texting or talking to a girlfriend. During that time, he also went and had his taxes done. My daughter came home and cried her eyes out. Her stepdad took her out and spent the entire time making it all about her. They talked about what SHE wanted to talk about and did what SHE wanted to do.

One day, my daughter will get married, and if she chooses to have her father walk her down the aisle, my husband will be very hurt.

If this girl has a good relationship with both men, and she feels that they are both father figures to her, I see nothing wrong with her asking them both to do this for her. I don't feel it is inappropriate. I think it shows maturity on her part to want to include both of her dads.

______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

For whatever reason your SD

For whatever reason your SD has decided that Dad and StepDad are both important influences in her life and she wants to share this honor with them. Hopefully she included StepDad because they have a good relationship.

Good for her I say.

I am StepDad to our Son (my SS-17) who is an only child in our home. I have been his Dad since he was 15mos old and am the only full time Dad he has ever had. BioDad is nothing more than a video gaming buddy who SS sees a few times a year and provides my SS with an occasional installment of another out-of-wedlock half sib (there are currently three in additon to my Skid).

I would be the one offended if DickHead is ever invited to an important function.

So, this can go both ways. I think it speaks well of your SD and your family that she is comfortable with her Dad and StepDad in this situation. I hope for her sake that you can participate as well.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

I went to my cousin's

I went to my cousin's wedding about 8 years ago, and she had her stepdad and bio dad give her away to her new husband. I thought it was nice, it's what she wanted and everyone seemed in agreement with it.

It was her day, and that's what she chose.

Hi OneHappyGirl, Yes, I do

Hi OneHappyGirl,

Yes, I do think she does have a good relationship with both men, and wanted to include them both (I have no doubt of that). I would almost say they balance each other nicely, and I know my husband is greatful that step-dad is such a good guy (his ex could have married anyone, and she choose someone who was good for their daughter! :-)).

In the senario you described, I would agree with you completely - I have no doubt her step-dad (who has raised her and supported her in her dad's absence) would feel sad. But what do you do when the bio dad's relationship is intact and a good one? Then, does the step-daughter feel torn?

When I feel torn in situations, I go with what the protocol may be, or what is the right etiquette. Yeah, she could have them both escort her, but is that the right thing to do when her father is right there by her side? What happened to considering her dad's feelings? Should include this other man who has only been on the scene a short time, compared to her father who raised her and continues to raise her?

This is the kind of debate I am having in my head right now, LOL.
--Sunny

"It was her day, and that's

"It was her day, and that's what she chose."
*like*
I think this is the core of the situation. Sd is not trying to take away from her dad's specail place in her heart. She's trying to include her step-dad in a specail day. I think its quiet wonderful. You guys have done a great job with your sd. She is obviously confident in ALL her parents enough to ask for what she wants! Great job!!

I agree with Thetis. You

I agree with Thetis. You guys have done a fantastic job raising her - all of her parents. You guys have achieved what a lot of us can only dream of. It sounds like she loves you all and wants to include everyone.

Hell with protocol. It's her day, let her do what SHE wants. Especially since her decision was unselfish and kind.
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

Sunny, my parents are

Sunny, my parents are divorced. When I got married I asked both my mother and my father to have a hand in walking me down the aisle because they both raised me separately. I viewed it like this, if my parents had raised me together then my father walking me down the aisle would've been representing both of them but because they were not together I wanted them both to feel equally included in giving me away, even though "appropriate etiquette" says that only your father walk you down the aisle. I think that if your SD feels that her stepdad has been as much of a father to her as her own dad, she should be able to honor him in that way. You're imposing your feelings about the situation on her. Instead of allowing her feelings about her parents and stepparents to dictate the situation. I would understand your upset if your husband were not being included but he is included.

One day my SD will get married. I am raising her because her mother lives in another country. It will hurt if my SD doesn't include me in the planning and preparation's because that is typically her mother's role. So I have to say I applaud your SD's maturity and grace in handling the situation.

Frankly, i think that if you make an issue of this by calling the stepfather and asking him to back out. You will take an honor and a celebration that is supposed to be about your SD and make it a tense and difficult affair. I guarantee that your husband, the stepfather, the birthmother and the SD will all be upset with you instead of enjoying SD's honor.

Hi Rags, Thanks for the

Hi Rags,
Thanks for the perspective - I appreciate it! I wish I could be more involved as a step-mom, but I am only included as needed, and when I have tried to be more involved I'm told that is not my role.
My step-daughter has a very close reltionship with her mom, and so I have had to accept that I am not here to fill "mom" shoes, and admittedly, there are times I just don't know what exact shoes I am suppsoed to fill in the first place.
Step-daughter and I get along well, but if there was an event simular to this one where she could invite both her mom and step-mom to escort her - I highly doubt I would be included, not the way her step-dad has.

--Sunny

But you know, that's OK too.

But you know, that's OK too. SD lives full time with her Stepdad. It's expected that she is going to have a close relationship with him (at least in an ideal situation). It's OK that she doesn't have the same relationship with you as long as it is a positive, friendly relationship.

Sunny, It makes sense the

Sunny,

It makes sense the the custodial household will have somewhat closer relationships with the SKid.

I offered to adopt my SS recently. His answer? ..... "You will still be my Dad no matter what I decide."

That pretty much shut me up on the topic. I am his Dad. The only thing I have left to give him beyond my life long love and support is my name. Regardless of his last name, my name will still be Dad. The guy who spawned him (and a plethora of other out-of-wedlock children) is not a father.

As I said earlier, it very apparent that you, your DH, SD and her other set of parents all work well together.

Good for all of you. Your SD is one very fortunate young lady. All of her parents have contributed to that.

Congratulations and best regards,

"there are times I just

"there are times I just don't know what exact shoes I am suppsoed to fill in the first place"
wow don't we all feel like this sometimes!?!?! lol I know that BMs mom would prefer some concrete shoes for me, and sd expects some cute high-heels! Who do we listen to? .... its never ends eh?

LOL, thanks Thetis for

LOL, thanks Thetis for making me laugh this morning, LOL.

I can't thank you ALL enough for your help today, this is an awesome board, and it helped me write out & clear out some of my un-sorted feelings.

I think the group's concensus was right, I was putting my own feelings onto my step daughter, when I should actually be grateful that she loves both of these men and feels comfortable (and confident enough in herself) to ask for them both to escort her to the stage for this formal ceremony.

I will not make any calls, and I will not bring it up in any way....ugg, I said it. I have to keep my mouth shout, and that will be the toughest part, but I am committing to it here and now! Haha.

Thanks again for all of your comments and advice - I truly appreciated it.
--Sunny

Good for you Sunny!

Sunny - I like

Sunny - I like you!
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

agreed Sunny you truely

*agreed*
Sunny you truely are a specail person! Have a great day, and I'm happy we can help!

It is super mature of SD to

It is super mature of SD to see the significance of both men in her life, and also super mature of her dad to not feel slighted. Most stepchildren have 4 parents, whether Bio or not.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

I'm so glad you aren't going

I'm so glad you aren't going to say anything! I've seen this happen several times over the years with a friend of perfectson's. She lives with her BM and SF and any time she has been escorted (super popular girl, so I've seen this SEVERAL times.. lol) she has been escorted by both her biodad & stepdad. The mom and stepmom also always sit together to watch her events. Sure they've had some 'moments' like the rest of us, but they all really really love that girl and she loves them all too.

It's actually pretty cool to see both of them kiss her cheek at the same time.... too bad we all can't have that!!!

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Escorting Step Daughter? Right Protocol?