Vent! - This is not the Disneyland adventure I signed up for!
First, i want to preface this by saying this is how I feel, how I view things, and I know that I have made mistakes. BUT, my husband has made many more, and I know there are two sides to every story, but is just one side. He s always saying that whenever I tell my side, it is always skewed and if ppl knew the "real" story they would side with him. Umm, okay.
I just have to say, if I knew it would be this bad, I would have NEVER married my husband, even though i love him more than anything. Some background, I am 35 and no kids of my own (and no plans on having them), and my husband is 41, with two kids, a boy who is 9 or 10 and a girl who is 12. And from what I read here, my husband is a classic example of a disneyland dad, with a whole lot of guilt throw in there.
He seems to think bunny rabbits and sunshine come out of his kids rear ends, and they never do anything wrong, and this completely and totally frustrates me to no end. We have no discpline in our house, because he does not think he kids are doing anything wrong and I am just being a b*tch by saying anything. I will give you some examples of what they are doing, and it is not that they are really doing anything major, I just wish my husband would install a few punishments for not doing what is expected. And my god, back me up when I say something.
1. First, the kids have NO bedtime. Me and husband have fought and fought about this. I HATE it. I feel that bedtimes are fundamental for a healthy, happy child. He does not, therefore, no bedtimes. Grrrrr! He says kids should stay up as long as they want, and they do.
2. He does everything for them. It is daddy, I want a glass of water. Daddy, I want to go out to eat. Daddy, I wanna do this. I swear, if I hear "daddy, I want....." one more freaking time I am going to scream. And I have talked to him about this, and he says he loves doing things for them, and he does not mind. And if it not bothering him, it should not bother me. And my point is if you are not teaching your kids to be self sufficent, you are raising a generation of leeches who can not do anything for themselves. For god sake, I washing clothes by the time I was 9. these kids do not even know what a washer is, besides you put clothes in it and somehow come out clean.
3. The have absolutely no chores!!! OMG this drives me crazy. They leave there clothes lying around, and this drives me crazy. They never clean up after themselves. You mess up a cup, clean it up. It is that easy. But, again he says he loves picking up after them. Again, making them useless.
4. Video games - OMG, how I hate them in this respect. His son, never gets off his video games. He wakes up, goes directly to the computer, plays video games. If he is not on the computer he is his PS2. If he is not on that, he is on the XBOX. The boy is going to die from over stimulaton. And sad to say, I would not care. I have asked him to limit the game time. But, then the boy, just walks around and says, "I am bored" all the time. Well, in my day, if you ever uttered those words, my mom gave you the most henious chore imaginable, and you never utter those words again. But, my husband says I can not do that, and he just lets him keep on playing.
5. The boys mouth. OMG the boys mouth. First, off he is a whiner to the extreme and I can not stand whiners anyways. But, there was a incident where he said, "well, you have a big butt" to me, with MY husband standing right there and laughing. To me, this was extremely disresepectful. I brought it up to my husband and he just laughed if off and said he was only joking. You do not joke about that. I mean I was all of 130 pounds, but still, say it to the wrong person, and you are in for a world of crap. And I just waiting for the day that he runs off at the mouth to the wrong person and get his booty beat. He will probably comes home and blame it on somebody else. Because, he is a master of that. He will get into trouble, but leave out specific facts that show he contributed to anything regarding the problem and it is like pulling teeth to extract the neccasary informaton.
6. My husband NEVER backs me up on anything I say to them. NEVER. I say you can not do this, he goes right behind me and lets them do whatever I just said they could not do. It is just frustrates me. That is why I have pulled far away from them and honestly him. I have even go so far as to not even speak to the kids, because I want nothing to do with them. NOTGHING! They do not even come over anymore and I am completely happy with that.
7. My computer. Seriously, this is what pisses me off. Both my husband and I have a computer. I like my settings and keyboard in a specific place. They used to come over, and I would go to get on my computer and something, would be changed. And I have told my husband, not to let the kids change anything. And they still do. And I feel like if the do not respect me enough to not change the settings on my computer (keyboard, monitor, whatever), they do not need to be on there. And he says I am just being a b*tch. But, from now on, it is my computer. They do not get on it.
8. The kids talk back like you would not believe. It is so bad, I stopped noticing, because I have stopped talking to them. I literally cringe at the thought of even seeing them. My husband says it is because I hate kids, but it because your kids do not know what is appr to say to an adult. My husband is sassy with me, and they think it is ok. But, i know that is how me and husband talk to each, not ok for a kid to talk to me like that.
9. How many times do you have to ask to brush your teeth, or come to dinner, or whatever. Well, my husband thinks it is about 5 or 6 times. Because, that is what it takes. I tell him, time and time again, the kids are not respecting you. And he just laughs it off and says if it not bothering him, I should not let it bother me. Grrr, damnit. WTH is wrong with you!!! The kids will be on the computer and the just ignore him.I hate that more than anything. I ask you once, I ask you twice, and after that comes a butt whooping. I have lightened up some since I was a kid. My parents asked once and that was it.
10. What is wrong wth having the kids READ something? I love reading. I always have. And he keep telling me his kids love to read. REALLY? Then why do I never see either one of them with a book? It just annoys me wth all this technology people need so much stimulation that they can not sit down with a book and read. But, this is way down on the scale of stuff that pisses me off.
11. The son goes back and relays EVERYTHING I say or do. EVERYTHING!! Then his ex-wife calls my husband and threatens him with not seeng the kids and he folds like tissue paper. I am agnostic and she is Miss christian sitting on top of the Bible pie, and evry little thing I say or do, is an afront to God. He will not tell her to f**k off, for fear of not seeing his kids. About two months ago, the boys was speaking to me and he said "well, I know you do not like like". And I said, "nope, not really". Husband buts in and say "she is just kidding", and I say "NO, I really hate you" and then I leave to another room. I know, I probably should not have said that, and I admitted that to my husband. Also, something came up that week, where I called him stupid, and I know I should not have say that, but again I think it is more frustration that anything. But, no the ex-wife says the kids can not come over anymore. And I honeslty could not be more excited. So, now he has to go over there to see them every week. It works for me, but he is always pining for them. And I am just tired of it. Please for the love of all that is holy, just accept what you have been dealt and move on.
12. And the final little piece is that on the weekends, I turned into Miss Invisible. I really do not exsist. I mean if I try and talk to him about somethng on a weekend, his son comes right up, and just interupts me, and my husband goes right to paying attention to him. WTH! If I did that as a kid, I would get my butt tore up. You do not interupt adults when they are talking, but my husband just goes right to him. It just goes to show how invaluable I am to him, and to our relatonship. This is one of many of my personal pet peeves. And he says to me, "i get to see you all week, and I only get to see them on the weekend, so i want to spend all my free time with them". Yeah, that makes me feel tons better babe. I know how important I am ton you. Let us break it down, I work two full time jobs, one 45 hours a week, and other 38 hours per week. I get up at 4am and dont get home until 11pm. So, tell me where is our quality time in here? It is not.
We have tried counselling and everything my husband said he would try, he half assed tried, or just ignored it as soon as we left. I think he has good intentions, or maybe he does not. I just do not know anymore.
Oh, and he says any good parent, step or otherwise, ALWAYS likes their kids. I say BULLSH*T. You may always love you kids, but there a def times, when you have their stupid little guts. And he keeps telling me "you do not love my kids". Well, I have tried to tell you that I do love them. But, you kept saying it over and over, and I am to the point now, NO, I do not love your kids. You have verbally beat it out of me. I resent the hell out them, and I HATE you ex-wife to boot. The girl I do not really have too much trouble with, but I would be happy if you son just disappeared on the face of the earth. If I could open a hole in the earth and have him swallowed by it, I 100% would.
And just to give a little dynamic on what out household. I have the rent, plus all utilities in my name. I pay all the bills, and all I ask of him in return in 150.00 a month, a freaking MONTH!!!. And that covers his gym membership, his daughter's phone, and his phone. That is IT!! He only recently got a car again, so he has not even being paying a car payment until now. He makes decent money, but has not idea how to actually spend it and spend smart. He just has no idea how much money is in his account. Ask him on any given day, and he has no idea. How do you not know how much money is in your account? I actually had to cover him this week for his car payment, because he was just going out spending money like he had all in the world. And, I had a stroke in 2007, but due to that I have stroke related depression that I got diagnosed with in August 2009. And a large part of the depression is all the factors related above. So,I need my life to be as simple as possible. And the only way I know to do it, is to cut the kds out. Because, I need to look after myself first, before anyone else.
We have already decide to seperate, but I just need to feel like I was not completely alone. I feel for him. I really do. But, he has no idea how good he really has it. I do love him more than anything, but I despise his kids, and do not feel bad about it.
Sorry about how long it is. 
Thank you for responding. I
Thank you for responding. I really feel like I am going out of my mind most days, because untl I found this website I thought "maybe am the only one who feels this way". Is it to much to ask that kids respect adults? No matter who they are. That just seems like an arcane thought to most people nowadays.
Well, his daughter is already failing at school. And he says he cares, but does not to show that he REALLY cares. Like, how about going to the school and talking to the teachers? That might help. And I am sure his son on going to be on the same path, when he gets up in school. Because, he is just about worthless. I told my husband I do not want my name attached to them.
I am just bidding my time until my husband gets out. It breaks my heart, but I can not live in a house of utter disrespect, where he thinks everything is fine.
And I hope your recovery is going well with the cancer. I feel your pain, I really do.
That is basically what I am
That is basically what I am doing. I ignore any conversatons he has about the kids. If he says something about the lines of " (son) did the funniest thing yesterday, ....." I let him finsh, and then change the subject without ever mentioning a single thing about what he just said. I do not really care. I honestly don't. And that is the other thing. I recommend maybe that he need to see a therapist and he said I was the one who needed therapy not him. Oh really? I have a therapist, and doing well with her, but you somehow think you do not need one. OK .
That is the thing I am afraid of. His kids are going to grow up and be every more unruly kids to add to the mix. And that s the thing I do not think he really cares about their school either. All he ever talks about is taking them camping and having fun with them. Yeah, that is a great example.
OMG. I would personally be
OMG. I would personally be out the door if my DH was like that.
Sounds like you've tried an awful lot.
Print this out and have him read it:
http://webspace.webring.com/people/jh/histigerlily/makeevil.html
And then tell him that if things don't start to change in 1 month, you'll be packing your bags.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
OMG!! That link is exactly
OMG!! That link is exactly what I have been feeling. The article resonates so much with my situaton. Thank you so much for sending that. I feel like that person wrote down exactly the situations I been involved in.
I personally think it is too late for us. But, i am all for giving it one last heave ho. I will beat a dead horse into the ground. And I should at least try CPR on this horsey one more time. Because, despite everything, I do really love him. And we work great together, if he did not have the kids.
Well basically I am taking
Well basically I am taking the path of the kids are dead to me. I do not interact wth them. I do not talk about them. And I do not have anything to do with them. It is the only way I can stay sane.
And being treated like a family dog, is exactly how I feel. I can take alot fo abuse, but then I lash out and strike. And it does not really matter who it is.
that is the best!! I will be
that is the best!! I will be showing that to my husband.. and possibly changing a few things.. cuz its not like he does alot of that.. he does not defend his kids so much.. but then again he does not defend me either.. he kinda just hangs out and doesnt say anything.. but that leaves with with freaking EVERYTHING!!
If this situation is
If this situation is jeopardizing your health, and if you've tried counseling, the best option for everyone involved might be for you to separate.
Your DH is to blame here. Him and him alone. Chances are that if he had enforced basic rules, the kids probably wouldn't behave the way they do. If he had backed you up, then things wouldn't be the way they are now.
I think the person you really should resent, if anyone, is DH.
That is exactly what I tell
That is exactly what I tell him. He is the beginning and end of our problems. he has to fix before anyone can get along. If he enforced just some basic rules, then we would not have the problems we have. But, he will not do it. Just absolutely WILL NOT. He says I am the one that needs to change. I am the one at fault. Nobody else. And that is why I am at the end of my rope. It is the three of them, against me. And he said "i will always take my childrens side". And I am stuck out here on an island by myself.
and that is why we are seperating. I am actually at a hotel right now, because he has the kids at my house, and I did not want to go home. Granted, I work for the hotel, but still I just do anything not to be around them.
Well, that is basically what
Well, that is basically what we are doing. I just wanted to feel like somewhere out there somebody actually agreed with me.
I can deal with unappreciation and BS. What I can not deal with is the not followng the rules of my house. It is my house, I like it a certain way, if you can not follow the rules of my house then begone.
And I have told him i have to have his support and we have to provide a united front and he basically tells me he will not support me on things he thinks are stupid. So, really what other choice do I have?
And that is basically how I feel, like an outsider in my own home. He is making the kids feel comfortable, while I feel like an outsider for a home I am paying for. Using all my utilities, food, and extras and yet, I am the outsider. The more I actually say it, the more pathetic I feel.
There is so much to the
There is so much to the story. In July 2007 when I had the stroke for about a year, we tried to keep out life together. really tried. But, in December of 2008, we had to move back to my mom's. now, at this time, he has no job, and is kind of half assed looking. *I feel that he was half assed looking.* so, we moved back to my mom's, I am working, and then in January, he losses his car to stupidity. I will not even go into that. for two months he moved back to his home state of Oregon, and then finally gets a job back here and in the beginning of April, he starts a really nice job. After about two months, they fired him, absolutely not his fault, but whatever. Now, during ths time, in April we move back to where we were and out of my mom's house. But, since I was the one wth credit, I have to get us a place, and I told him i was only getting one bedroom, until he proved to me, he could keep a job. He whined and complained, but I told him that is how it is.
the whole time I might add, that his ex is hounding us all the time for money. Day and night, and even saying things like I know "I" have money. Yes, I do, but I am not giving it to you.
and throughout the entre summer he is looking for a job,his kind of half assed looking. And come up with nothing. Well, they finally had a opening at the place I worked so I got him hired on there at the beginning of Spetember. So, that is where we are now.
But, i recently got another job to help pay off my medical expenses from the stroke becuase all time after I had the stroke, I was working just to keep us afloat. and now he says he does not make enough and he needs another job. Well buster go out and get one. It is just like everything else, he keeps procrastinating and never actually doign anything about it.
Sorry, if this is confusing. I am trying to relay as much info as can.
I think you and DH read the
I think you and DH read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. I think you'll really like it.
I don't think the kids are the problem, though. You say you resent them- and we've all been guilty of that here on ST- but if you really want to make this work, you are going to have to accept the kids. Kids push their boundaries. A lot of their behavior sounds like they are pushing boundaries and seeing what they can get away with. It's not easy for anyone, kids included, to live in a place where they know they're resented. Have you ever considered family counseling, and getting the kids individual counseling?
Well, that is the thing,like
Well, that is the thing,like i said I would mind them so much, if they followed some sort of rules. But, they don't becuase their father negates everything I say. EVERYTHING! and I am sure I project that on to them, but again I am jsut frustrated because there father never makes them do anything. And I told my husband, time and time again, if I did not love them, I would not provide food, water, electricity, a roof over their head. That has got to count for something, right?
He does not think his kids need conseling. He says the problems lies with me. If I would just learn to be more accepting everything would be fine.
I just do not get that
I just do not get that reasoning. Why, am I the cause fo these problems? And I get that "you too strict" speech, all the time. Or you could realy change if you wanted to. I have talked to everybody about these problems from my mom, to my friends, to my co-workers, to you guys, and you all agree that the majority of the problem lies in him, not me.
That is why I am jumping ship before the waves get too bumpy.
i can def relate to most of
i can def relate to most of what is is going on there. My bf gives no discipline he just makes everything a joke. frustrating!! I will raise my son with discipline, but under my roof things are different than at her bms, slightly. It is up to him to set the rules. however, if i was in your shoes i would set my own rules with the kids, just make a list of rules on a poster board, like the super nanny does. put them where all can see and enforce them. But if you two have already decided to seperate then that is what best considering your health, but really why doesnt he consider how you feel? what its doing to you? I have the same problem.
Yup! My husband jokes and
Yup! My husband jokes and laughs at everything, at my expense. Evens making jokes about me to the kids. On of the more frustrating things he does is talks about me to his kids, on their way home. I have told him numerous times do not talk about me at ALL. But, he still does it and I think it is the lowest form of disrespect. I still bothers me to this day.
Well, that is the thing. I make he rules, he says you do not have to follow them. So, what is the point of making the rules? Just so I can get my feelings stepped on again.
Yeah, we have pretty much decided to seperate, although it breaks my heart. But, i can not keep living in this turmoil. I just wanted to know someone heard me, and I am not crazy like he makes me out to be.
Thank you. It means alot.
Thank you. It means alot. There was a point we I really thought I was. I just thnk he is riddled by so much guilt he does not any other way to be.
OMG - that is a horrible
OMG - that is a horrible situation to say the least. I just do not know what is wrong with children nowadays that they think that is an appropriate was to talk to their elders. Makes me when I think about how they will act 50 years from now.
But, unfortunately that is how I think my husband would respond. He would day some thing along the lines of if you were not being so strict they may like you better or some BS. always validating their bad behavious, like it needs validating. I will def keep in touch, and let you know how it progressing.
I am leaving in about 40 minutes to go home and the kids are not supposed to be there. But, i am sure they will be. So, it is time to call my husband again, and let him know that I will be home.
You say you want to cut the
You say you want to cut the kids out of your life. If you have tried all you can to make your marriage work, and it's not working, you need to cut HIM out.
One of my favorite musicians, Don Henley, said that kids have excellent bull$h*t detectors. Maybe your ss would feel better if you apologized to him for calling him stupid and saying you hate him.
Well, this terrible to say,
Well, this terrible to say, but I do not care whether he feels better. Or in that fact, the fact that he feels bad about what i said. Because, i do, in fact, think he is stupid and I do REALLY hate him. Now, granted I should not have said it, and I acknowledge that fact, but it does not change the fact of how I feel.
I honestly like that he stays away from me. I would prefer if he did it forever. Again, I know that this is a bad outlook on it, but it is how I feel.
Thanks so much for the
Thanks so much for the response. I am glad someone else is in the same boat I am. And he already knows that I will not have kids, so that is def off the table.
I just have to reconcile my mind and my heart to the fact of hm not being around anymore and that is the hardest part. Because, outside of the kids, he is pretty much my perfect match. But, you throw the kids in there and we are incompatible. Add the ex-wife in and we just hit nuclear level. But, my lease is up in a couple of months, and I do not have to worry about it much longer.
Well, good luck to you. I
Well, good luck to you. I hope you can find some peace and happiness in the near future. You deserve it.
Wow Viylette, that's super
Wow Viylette, that's super intense. I can relate on many levels. Sorry, things sound really rough. I kept thinking reading your post what a good sense of humor you have. I kept laughing at things like "DH folded like tissue paper" etc...You sound like a decent person with a good, rational head on; too bad you have to deal with such shitty situation.
LOL - thanks. i am glad you
LOL - thanks. i am glad you enjoy my sense of humor. I keep trying to find a way to make it apply to my husband, but ANYTHING that has to do with his kids, he immediately gets the serious look on his face.
Well, hopefully, I will not have to deal with it much longer. Just a couple more months, and I will not have to deal with his craptastic kids anymore. And I can start master's school in relative peace and quite.
OMG - I have all three of
OMG - I have all three of those lines more times than I can remember. And I just ignore him now, because it serves absolutely no purpose.
That is what is going on now. His ex wife keeps uping the ante, and he can not keep up. And I say just ignore her, and he says he can not. :/ And they had a high conflict divorce, and he gets them every free second he can get, I mean every second. And I just can not handle this crap anymore. I get the "you just dont understand, you do not have kids", well I do not have to have children to recoginize when you are being a bad parent. Have you ever got that line to? I swear, it is probably the most frustrating one of all.
And I tell him all the time, kids will get away with what you let them. Or, my other line, you are just a marionette to them. They know what to say, to make you do what they want.
That is what I was taught
That is what I was taught too. Nothing was ever given to me. And esp. not without a whole bunch of strings attached to it. It taught me you have to work for what you want. Kids nowadays thing moneys hangs from trees, and esp. my SKids.
When my stepson was 7, we had them write out their xmas list and I could not believe his list. Just to give an exa: ipod, cell phone, his own computer, small motorcycle, and XBOX 360. I was shocked to say the least. and he pouted through Christmas because he did not get what he wanted. And guess what, my husband felt bad about it. WHY!!???! If I acted the way he did at any holiday, my mom would take my things, call me ungrateful and say we will try this again next year. She did to a brother of mine.
This is why I wept for parents today. And I electively choose NOT to have kids.
Believe me, am in the
Believe me, am in the process of getting out. Hopefully, as soon as June, I will be gone, and he will be left to fend for himself, bills and all. And then he is left to wonder why his kids are still acting like assholes, and I not there provoking them. Hmmm, maybe it was, that I was not provoking them. Maybe, possibly, it could be that they are assholes!!! And I will happily on my way to financial freedom.
And that is always what I tell him. You do not have to have kids, to no that you are not raising them right. And I also told him, I do not want my name attached to their heathen asses. Because, i did absolutely nothing to help create those two monsters.
Holy S***.....is my DH
Holy S***.....is my DH leading a double life because this sounds EXACTLY like my DH! I want to choke him....but as of today...I have decided this: YOU do what YOU want with YOUR kids! They will be NO reflection on me as they are CLEARLY NOT MINE! (Thank God!) New attitude I am trying out...not real sure he is going to like it but pretty damn sure I don't care what he likes when it comes to this situation anymore!
****I can do bad all by myself****
LOL - that is EXACTLY the
LOL - that is EXACTLY the same thing I say. I do not want my name attached to his little monsters! They are YOUR kids not mine. I do not want to think of me as their step mother, because I am not. I just happened to marry their dad. I am nothing to these kids, and that is the way I want it.
And my husband does not like it, but I do not really care. So attitude that I think you should take.