New N Desperate
I need advice and I’m at my wits end. Please Help. Both my husband and I working professionals. We are faithful, logical, and for all known accounts we love each other very much. It is my first marriage and it is his second with an eighteen yr old and 20 yr old. I’m 43 and he is 38. We have been happily married for 8 yrs now with only one sore spot in our marriage, his ex wife. First let me say, I am not a jealous person, i hate drama with a passion, and until 3 wks ago I had all the faith i could ever have in my husband. his ex-wife is bipolar, narcissistic, VERY CONTROLLING and i believe borderline psychotic. Very very very drama driven and sadly his biological child has also turned into a drama queen. I understand that she is crazy and that he is still young and finding his way, so PLEASE don’t get me wrong. I have gone above and beyond the wife duties by "befriending" her, shopping, girl chat, chatting about our days etc. with none of the normal bs that goes with exwife/new wife.(i mean seriously their divorce was 19 yrs ago) ok so by now you are asking so whats the problem. well did i mention she is crazy and as crazy always will do, she went down crazy street dragging me kicking and screaming. since then she has been making INSANE demands against me and my husband and his family. the problem from all this lies in the child who is completely brain washed and poisoned by this woman and has picked up her narcissistic views of life. she has always used the children as a weapon. my husband has had to kiss this woman’s ass for 19 yrs and hates her but he is VERY good at sticking his head in the sand and also hiding his true feelings. what all this boils down to is, if the crazy one is not happy then child is not happy and refuses to have a relationship with his father. my husband and i have had the "talk" and i was informed that if i want A, and she wants B, he will choose B, in order to keep the child happy. i am floored!! im losing faith and trust in my husband. My marriage is the most important thing to me and i dont want to lose it. the same can be said of my husband love for his child. i have always understood it would be race for first in my husband heart with the child but now im being told i'm actually placing third. I can see around this. so please if anyone can offer any words of advice please post. besides a felony (mmmmmmm) im willing to do anything except be second fiddle to this nutbag. thanks in advance
Hi NND, I'm glad you've
Hi NND, I'm glad you've joined us here.
I'm sorry you're in such a rough situation. I don't have any real advice for you at the moment, but I'm sure someone else will chime in soon. Just wanted to welcome you aboard and hope things get better.
Well, at least you found us!
Well, at least you found us! It must be hard to have these feeling come to the surface after being married for 8 years. That's a lot of investment!
For some reason your post reminded me of this article I read not too long ago. It made me think about a lot of things
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html
I am not sure if it's helpful to you at all, but I posted it just in case.
thanks so very much for the
thanks so very much for the support. and thanks for the link. great reading.
Sorry to hear you have to
Sorry to hear you have to deal with that,
I do have to ask though, are the kids you're talking about the 18 and 20 year olds? My skids are all much younger than that so maybe I just don't understand yet, but aren't they old enough to decide to see your husband on their own? I feel like that's a pretty strong hold for her to have over children that old. Brainwashed or not, I think there should be a line drawn between her and the kids now that they aren't little and can speak for themselves. You and your hubby shouldn't have to be slaves to her will forever; I understand trying to keep conflict low while the kids are young and she's the gateway to the kids as is the case in my situation, but once they're that old they should be able to think for themselves.
Anyway, I know that doesn't make it any easier, but maybe something to talk about with your husband. Another option, and I know people sometimes are iffy about it, is some kind of counseling. A third party's point of view may help.
I agree with Synaesthete. You
I agree with Synaesthete. You should talk to DH about having direct contact with the Stepkids. Why can't he just call the kids directly and make plans with them? There is no reason to involve BM at this point.