Need some advise fast
I did it again, and fell for the bullshyte. After coming home from a vacation and finding out that 22yo SS broke into our house in our absense because he is homeless and has no place to go I have agreed that he can stay with us for 1 week and also we will pay for his first 3 months of rent. The deadline for him to get his ass out is tomorrow and dollars for donuts he does not have a place to go to because he was scratching his balls all week and did not look for a place real hard. When I asked DH today about it he said SS has a proposed roommate who is supposedly looking for a place for the both of them to move into. WTF? Why would this imaginary roommate take on the burden of finding a place for someone else while SS is sitting on his behind I can not fathom.
However my dilemma is that again I was duped into an agreement that SS had no intention keeping. I know he does not have plans to move out tomorrow. The day will slide by like everything else the past. Broken agreements, even written contracts that are not worth the paper written on. How do I handle this with DH tomorrow? Each time there is deadline we all agree to comes and goes and I initate a talk about it being broken AGAIN, I come out being the bitch. DH and I get into a huge fight, while SS is watching with delight that he got what he wanted in the first place.
How do I change this???
Short of calling the police
Short of calling the police getting SS will be nearly impossible. When I talk to him he agrees to anything then when the deadline comes its like he aquired amnesia, then a new deadline will be set and the waltz goes on. Same thing with H, we agee on something deadline comes agreement goes out the window. Like father like son.
well...I know how you can
well...I know how you can stop the ball scratching }:) Do you have kids with DH?
Nope, childless by choice.
Nope, childless by choice.
That makes it alot easier,I
That makes it alot easier,I would get one of those extended stay rooms for a week and take a break,let him see what it would be like if you weren't there.You know how with a kid,threatening really does no good if there aren't any consequences?I think men are the same way,every once in a while,they have to be shown the consequences,and most extended stays have nice pools and hot tubs also
Normally I wouldn't advocate
Normally I wouldn't advocate leaving, but at this point if you've dealt with things like lies and break-ins and everything else, I'd pack up my portable valuables and go to a hotel as well.
At some point he's going to have to either respect you and your feelings and stop letting you get shafted, or lose you, and if you don't force him to see that, you're basically just doing all of this to yourself.
The DH will let the SS abuse you as long as you allow it. He obviously lets it happen to himself, so why should you be any different?
I've got a 21 year old that
I've got a 21 year old that has moved back in. Not to the hell extreme that you have but bad enough. There is an author by the name of John Rosemond that gave great advice when my kids were young and gives good advice for older kids as well. I'm going back to reading them because I feel I've lost my power in my place as the adult in my relationship which I know is not good.
I think a week at a hotel is
I think a week at a hotel is a great idea. You had an agreement with SS and DH and neither of them care to keep their end of the deal. So you go take care of yourself.
Yes, take a break. I had to
Yes, take a break.
I had to boycott DH and SD to get SD to leave. I worked late, worked out after work, had plans on the weekends, visited my sister who lives out of state. I did no housework, grocery shopping, laundry. SD lasted a little over 1 month into my boycott and she left. DH still enables and pays but at least she is out of the house and I have my home back.
Yes, Glynne. I also take the
Yes, Glynne. I also take the boycott route on occassion. Sometimes, that is the only way to survive.
Why did'nt you have him
Why did'nt you have him arrested for B&E?????????
Spawn of my spouse or not that criminal asshole would be in jail!
Best regards.
I thought about it but DH
I thought about it but DH would have never backed me up on it and I was concerned that it would be another victory for SS that again he prevailed.
If someone breaks in to your
If someone breaks in to your home you don't need your DHs backing to police haul off the criminal.
Pretend I copied that post
Pretend I copied that post and thought the exact same thing... Exactly.
He no longer has a car. His
He no longer has a car. His car needed $500 worth of repair about 9 months ago. I gave him the money, he promptly spent it on something else, now he is relying on Daddy for rides who can not -nor will he ever - say no to his spawn. He bitches that my 1x a week yoga class is 15 miles away and it cost a lot for me to drive there, but there is no problem shuttling his 22yo to and from friends house numerous times a week who live the same distance away.
Getting out of your own home
Getting out of your own home for a mini-vacation sounds nice but really - the "problem" will still be waiting there when you return. And a boycott might work, if that's an option for you. However, if your SS is looking for a place to live, a bed to sleep in, meals provided and more importantly, a direction in life, there are viable alternatives to hand-outs from Dad. It's called serving your country. I'd suggest his father take him to either a military recruiter or a Peace Corps representative. As long as he isn't a criminal or on drugs, he may be eligibe for either of them. In a few years, when he's either had his a@@ whipped into shape by the military or his mind opened wider by a Peace Corps stint, he will come back a real man at last. And wouldn't his father be much prouder of that than the moocher he has now??
I proposed the same 4 years
I proposed the same 4 years ago.I saw big troubles coming for this young man when he first got arrested at age 17. His daddy told me we can't send him to the military because his son is so emotionally fragile he may commit suicide in a high pressure environment. Now I KNOW this sounds ludicrous especially from an extremely intelligent 50 year old who himself has served his country. My husband has an above average IQ, has worked for US intelligence, BUT the moment the subject of his son comes up he becomes incapacitated to make intelligent assessments and decisision. It's like he turns into another person.
I feel the same way
I feel the same way cyberwoman. My usually reasonable 54 year old husband, suddenly becomes very irrational and unreasonable when dealing with any issues concerning his two grown daughters. I feel like I don't even know him anymore?? I really feel like they try so hard to overcompensate. Is this because they are so afraid of offending or losing them or guilt for not being a full-time parent when they were growing up? Insight anyone?
I like your thinking 2nd!
I like your thinking 2nd!
If you can't take him to the
If you can't take him to the military then I would go to a motel and stay for a while and let daddy dearest take care of his son by himself for a while! Or stay with a family member, I wold stay with my brother and make the excuse that I'm helping my sil (she needs the help and has asked in the past. Dh will get tired of ss after a while. In my case I'd be close enough to home but too far to 'help' he he. I did do this on a smaller scale and it didn't take dh long to get the point. I did NOTHING for the boys and didn't make them clean their messes or even make dinner or washed their clothes. You should have seen the look on his face when he got home and the boys were running to him and saying I'm hungry and I have no clothes to wear. He went to their room and couldn't see the floor. Plus the look of the rest of the house was horrible, his sister even commented to him that the boys had no idea where the trash was b/c their crap was all over the floor. It did work. LOL
yep ... trial separation for
yep ... trial separation for a week to let H know you're serious. Then make it HIS choice on who he wants to live with!
I would wait til ss is out at
I would wait til ss is out at one of his friends houses-pack his crap, leave it on the doorstep, and have your locks changed. If your dh had a problem with it-I would offer to pack his things as well and tell HIM to get out. A hotel is a lovely idea and all-but sorry noone is going to disrupt me from my own house. If no one in your house can abide by family agreements-then they can get the HELL out.