well here in my state (OK), if the parents were unmarried when the child was born and never got married, then the mother has full custody until a court order says otherwise. so if you were in my state, bm could come and collect sd whenever she wanted because she has full custody. So i think it will be wise to have a court agreement, but if you choose not to, have everything documented, especially when sd came to live with you guys, and it does help that she is 'established' in the community, especially if she is playing any sports or anything, judges are usually more likely to want to keep a kid where they are living now (the 'status quo') if they are established in the community, have family around them and you guys being the primary care takers of sd. But who is to say after this school year is over and sd goes to her mom's for summer that BM doesnt decide to just enroll sd in a school down there? Thats why you need a court order so that doesnt happen, because sometimes it can take a while for everything to become 'legal', and sd could already be in a school there and the judge might not want to rip her out of it to place her back with you guys. That's just a 'what-if' scenario.

*edit* okay i see that they were married. but definitely get everything in writing! and document everything as well!

I agree-get a court order, based on your description I'd say it should be pretty easy to obtain primary custody, Good luck!

It seems the rock the boat thing that bio dads say- is pretty common around here, ha!

Oh, another thing- I don't think the mom has a right to dictate how you transport the child to school if the child is living with you during the school year, that's insane IMO.

That said, as a mom I do understand the apprehension about school buses. For some reason the bus would pick my boys up around 7am-with school starting at 8-and we're only 5 min from the school! That's a lot of stops, and extra time at the school, so I chose to take them on my way to work, leaving around 745am...this way we all sleep in more In the afternoon they do take the bus-but I guess there amongst the first to be dropped off because it's only a 10-15min ordeal from when they leave school. I honestly am not comfortable w/the long morning commute-you'd be shocked to know some of things that go on in buses-lot less supervision, especially if it's a long trip..and being in only kindergarten would make me extra uneasy...mine are in 4-5 grade, and some of their bus ride companions make me shiver from their bad behavior, I can't imagine having a 5yr old for almost an hr w/those kids ughhh.

Just trying to present both sides here

so I am just wondering what is the big deal about riding the bus?? A school bus I am assuming, not like you stuck her on a Public transportation bus or the magic bus or whatever.. seriously I rode the bus from Kindergarten on because we always lived in the country, mom and dad worked and couldn't take me to school.. millions of kids do it every day. She needs to get a grip and focus on her f*cked up life instead of worrying about the dang bus.

If you dont have a custody agreement then you need one ASAP. You should also get a lawer... ASAP! Kiddo (ss5) was 3 when his mother LEGALLY kidnapped him. Kiddo never lived with her, not even as a newborn. She said she wanted to spend the day with him and we said ok. She called us THE NEXT DAY and said she wasnt bringing him back. We called the police and were told that she was in every right to do everything she did, and even was in her right to refuse to tell us where she or he was...because she was his mother and there was no custody order. They told us that we could file a report "for the record" but that it would cost us $75 which we did not have. That began a 5 month horror of bm calling the police every time H tried to see kiddo, court, CS, suing her for visitation, only to have her abandon ss with H's mother when she and her boyfriend broke up and we immediately got a court order and sole custody. Kiddo has serious issues from it all, and H (and myself) spent months in extreme anxiety, depression, anger, and fear. We then did not get off child support until 6 months after we got kiddo back (and he had not seen bm the entire time) because bm REFUSED to sign the paperwork and it took that long to get a court date. Get a custody order. NOW.

As for the controlling bit... Why does anyone want to have control over anything? Because they feel like they have no control in their own life. The bm lives in poverty so she has no control over that part of her life b/c she is dependant on the government. She had kids WAAAAY too young... she didnt get an adolescence and that is when you are supposed to transition from child to adult and do what? - take control of your life from your parents. I doubt that happened well if at all. All she can do is talk, she lives 2000 miles away from you. Dont antagonize her on the phone... placate her and then ignore everything she said unless it makes some sense - she isnt raising the child, you are. You now have the HUGE responsiblity of deciding what is in another living beings best interest. She cannot control what you do. You make decisions based on what you think is best, safe, and good and let her rant. She made poor choices and now it is up to you to make sure that that child makes good choices. damn the rest.