I agree, knowing what you do when they act up would give everyone better insight.

if they are the nightmares you are claiming, the last thing i would want is:

"I feel like I deserve a little credit for raising these kids"

i don't know what to tell you, my skids haven't reached that point yet.... and since they have been scared of me from the beginning (when they were bad), hopefully it won't.

good luck and send their asses back to the respective bm's....

OMG that comment that they laugh at you when you try to punish them is dead on. Last summer was the worst. Anytime we punished the boys, put them in time out they would laugh and snicker. That would of course piss me off more. I think one time I put the youngest (5yr) in time out on the couch for 10 minutes and he just laughed at me and and said "whatever, my mom lets me do whatever I want (isnt true I know we are not as hard on them as the BM is) and I'll be back to playing..I don't care" Oh well you know what.. that 10 minutes turned into all night on the couch, sitting there watching the most boringest this I could find on TV....

Anyways, my husband will diengage if I entiate the punishment. If I don't like what they said or did I know I have full authority to punish as I see fit (altough I don't do any spanking, that is not my place) My husband will back me up on my disicions. If it is a BIG punishment like breaking stuff (oh yes both bathroom towel bars had to be replaced) then we disgust the punishment together.

Children will know if there isnt unity between the parents and they will take advantage of it. UNITE!

Also with the "your not my mom" thing I know that is typical and its hurtful especially when you work so hard to build a relationship and love for these kids that isnt automatic. Don't give up! they will be grown someday and realize all that you've done for them. I know this cuase my husband had a stepdad growing up and did the same thing to him, now.. he considers him his real dad.

OMG, that is terrible. My skids have not gone to that point yet. I have decided to disengauge instead.

First off you can disengage even if you are a primary caregiver. You are not their mom and they seem hell bent and determined to make sure you know this. So give them what they want. If your not their mom I guess you dont need to take them places, buy them special treats, let them watch ANY tv, give them phone or computer privileges. If they need a ride to soccer practice wait til they are ready to go out the door and simply and calmly tell them that you will not be taking them because they yelled at you disrespected you or whatever they did. If they break something in the home-take what money they have, take a possession of theirs and sell it, whatever you need to do to replace your destroyed item. You have to be willing to get tough and dh has to be willing to get tougher. It doesnt even matter if you are their mom or not-you are an adult in your own home and you have every right to tell them what to do.

Maddmaxxsmom, you are in the very same perdictament I was many years back. The kids were 2 & 4 when BM left, husband had custody. We dated 2 years, all was good.....I had 2 children from my first marriage, kids got along fine. I had a lot of responsibility and didn't feel I had much choice. I would always try to talk to husband about how he felt about disapline and what he thought should be let go and addressed.

We moved in together after 2 years, engaged to be married. That's when the oldest boy, then 9 started doing as your step. I was told I was hated, oldest boy carved it in his wooden desk, wrote it on his calendar. he took an ink pen and scratched his brother's face out of a family picture he had taken with his mom.

I was trying to understand and be patient the whole time yet these kids were really really testing me too. One time the kids were all in the car and started fighting. I told them to be quiet, the oldest boy started purposely talking basically telling me in no uncertain terms was he going to listen. I had his dad pull the car over and I let him know that when I said something I meant it and he had better do as he is told or he will be in trouble. He never pulled that again.

You have to be firm, you have to do what it takes to get the kids to mind you. You can't be the nice friend in this situation. These are small children that need guidence and direction.

Sounds like some counseling might be in order or the children. I also got my SS involved in sports to burn off some of their hateful energy, and I always tried to find fun things we could do as a family, encouraged one-on-one time with their father, always invited them to come along with me and the girls if we had plans, I tried even to get into visdeo games to I could bond with them. Of course they probably have no memory of any of that because they were awfully young.

I wish you the best with this situation. For me looking back, I should have gotten out before we had a child together. BM never had custody and never worked with us. She did her best to alienate and tear us down and when you are in a position where the kids don't want you in the first place it is easy for the missing parent to plant horrible thoughts in the child's head.

She insisted with them that I had no rights in my home, that I shouldn't have been the one making the decisions, I was not the mom, and thier dad should have been taking care of them but that he was guilty for letting all this happen and not protecting us.She not only told the kids this but wrote my husband an email with the same trash. Of course this did nothing for my SSs but create more anger and hatred for me and their dad. At this point the oldest (now 28) is completely disconnected form us and we have just had a bought with the younger boy (now 26).

On the flip side, and this is what I wish parents could see......my 2 older daughter from my first marriage have a good relationship with their stepmom. I told the girls they had 2 mom and 2 dads, they knew I expected them to respect their step parents, I supported SM, we talked. I spent time with my daughter and their half siblings. I let my daughters love their SM and we are all on FaceBook together and I ahve seen my daughters tell SM they love her and vise versa. That's they way it should be.

I know I have painted a pretty bleak picture for you and I do hope your situation does not turn out like mine. I wish I had some way to see the future and 21 years later I can say I wish I would have never got involved.

By no means do i have a great stepfamily situation-it pretty much sucks-BUT in many ways it is a huge improvement over what I dealt with back when I was a custodial stepmom. My ss yelled at me daily-every morning, every day after school, at bedtime and for the most ridiculous things-such as suggesting he wear a jacket to school, or telling him it was time to take a shower. No matter what I did he wouldnt stop-time outs, yelling back, completely ignoring him, loss of priviliges, I even tried hugging him in the middle of his tirade (which that one actually worked at first because I caught him off guard-eventually wore off though)-but the reason that none of these things worked is because he did not want them to. He was so conflicted had such a strong loyalty to bm that he would just not allow himself to have a relationship with me even though we had had one when he was younger. We are no longer custodial and ss still feels the same way. Just refuses to even try to have a relationship, BUT I am no longer in tears everyday feeling as if a knife is stuck from my back. I get frustrated and angry with him at times, but I dont get depressed or down on myself. Because I dont do things for him anymore-other than some general housework things. I dont do pickups, I dont do homework, I dont talk to him about hygiene and so he no longer yells at me. i guess it is hard to yell at someone who is nothing but polite yet somewhat distant towards you. If there is a real problem with him I go to dh and tell him to fix it. Before I poured so much love, time, and caring into this child and kept repeatedly getting nothing back that it tore me up inside. So although ss and I are by no means close now, at least we are not constantly arguing, and I am not constantly hurting because of his actions. As far as getting any "credit" for raising those little monsters you might as well forget it-maybe dh will thank you-but the kids are not. Why would they? In all actuality I am sure they would prefer that their mom and dad were still together raising them-I am sure they prefer their mom is not a pos and they could be raised by her instead of you. This is such a loss for a child to know that mom is just a crappy mom and they cant be with her full time that it is hard for them to ever appreciate her replacement. it's not personal. Disengage.