Need serious advice
Ok everybody...we (DH and I) need some serious advice for SD13. I was reading through SD's cell phone text messages yesterday(that's a rule for both our girls...we pay for the phone..we get to look at the texts/pictures, etc any time we want). Apparently, SD had texted her friend and said that she wanted a FB and the next message from SD to her friend was "No Dumbass, a FaceBook, but a fu*k buddie would be nnnniiiiccceee". I think my heart stopped for a moment. SD was still at school for the day, so she doesn't not know that I was looking at her messages and when DH got home from work, I showed him the text. We talked about it for a while and agreed that we needed to wait until we calmed down before we talked to her about this. Normally, I'm all for going in and taking care of it right then and there...but this is a HUGELY serious topic and I really don't want to mess up the message I want to give her. This is so wrong on so many levels...yes, the language is part of it, but to me...it's what she said. I am fairly certain that she knows the meaning of what she said (her BM is really into being openly and over-ly sexual...SD even claims that BM and her last husband were "swingers" and that SD found sex toys laying around the house, not to mention nude pics of her mom on the computer). How do you tell a VERY angry/sullen/emotional 13 year old girl that this is not the way to be (even when her BM is very sexual and SD has a friend the same age that is supposedly sexually active)? We (DH and I) really want to get this right....so...what would you say? (let's take out the whole idea of "step"...what would you say to your own child?)
I am thinking of the whole "girls who sleep around get bad reputations...for boys, they will be considered "cool"; for girls, they will be considered "sluts". No boy respects a girl that sleeps around. Yet, even as I think of saying these things, it sounds lame and stupid...I am at a loss!!!!
We had a similar situation
We had a similar situation with SD15 (at the time 12). She had a boyfriend and used AOL-IM to talk to her friends. She visited with her BD on weekends and he let her do just about anything she wanted, to include using the computer. No big deal, right? Well, i'm an early bird and she was far away in dream land. I had to get on the computer and when i did, she never turned off the message string, so naturally, i look through it. She was talking about giving blow jobs and all of that stuff that girls her age have no business doing. So I saved it on the computer in a hidden file and showed it to DH. We sat down with her and had "the" talk. We explained to her that it was not appropriate for girls her age to engage in any type of sexual activities and that there was so much more to do and look forward to. I also told her that one innocent conversation sets high expectations and ultimately she could end up getting forced into a situation she's not comfortable with. She seemed to understand, but much like your SD, her BM is overly sexually active, bringing new "friends" over and such...i don't think she's ever found sex toys but not sure she would tell us if she did anyways. I do recall specifically DH telling her that if he found out she was being sexually active, the first place she was going was to the gyno to get checked out and get the pill. That seemed to scare her a little bit too.
It's a tough place to be but ultimately you and DH need to sit down and discuss this with her. Specifically actions and consequences. You don't want to scare her but she needs to understand the seriousness of the conversation. Consider getting one of those baby dolls that cry that requires a key and give to her and tell her that this is what happens when you have f*ck buddies. A dose of reality might work.
I hope this is useful. Good luck!
Well...we have already
Well...we have already visited the gyno a couple months ago. She kept complaining of "itching down there", so BM decided she needed a pelvic exam. While SD claimed to be a little scared before the appointment, she kinda "bragged" about it after. Maybe bragged isn't a good word, she said it was no big deal. I'm almost 40 and I still get the "yucks" when I have to go for my annual gyno exam!! BM talked about putting her on the pill then to help even out her periods, but DH nixxed the idea...I guess that's something we will have to reconsider now (she was still a virgin at the time). I am really hoping that it was simply trying to be "cool". The idea of making her write a paper on all STD's is a good idea, but we can't get her to do her homework, much less something like this. I do have to say...in some of her other texts to this same friend, (obviously, the friend is having trouble with her boyfriend), SD told her to loose her boyfriend because he doesn't respect her, and that if he sleeps around, he was going to give her STD's. So, I want to believe that she knows that sleeping around could be life threatening, and that respect from a boy that you like is important...am I being naive?
I don't think there will be any punishments to come out of this as we do want to keep it a positive talk and experience with her, but we will also talk about the continued bad language.
Some good ideas so far...thanks so much!!!
Very hard to talk about goals
Very hard to talk about goals in life when her only goal seems to be to become "MRS. Justin Beiber"!!! DH and I have much the same idea as you do (StepAside). We have always talked to the kids about the importance of a good education. The fact that it gives you the opportunity to make yourself a life that you want vs one that you would be forced into if you don't pursue an education. Our kids love the fancy things and have always been facinated with the cars they will drive when they get older. SD has informed DH that she wants an Escalade, SS wants a Hummer and BD wants a Mustang. We have informed them many times that they had better have good jobs to get those cars, because they will be getting our hand-me-downs when they start driving!!
I talk to my BD about goals in life all the time, BD talks about what career she thinks she wants to go into, what college she wants to go to, etc. Even SS will talk about wanting to go into the military and then into the police force. SD talks about being a fashion designer, but I guess she thinks she will just plop into the job of her dreams, because all she says is she's marrying Justin Beiber, living in Atlanta (I guess that's where he lives?) and will design clothes. All that to say that I am not sure she is forward thinking enough to REALLY believe that her choices now will make a difference down the road. She thinks she's going to Texas A&M (gig em!) after high school. This is a girl that has failed 2 grades already (summer school saved her both times), and has no interest in going to school now. She just thinks things happen how she wants them to....
I would explain that the
I would explain that the language is inappropriate. If you talk like trash, people will treat you like trash. Then go on to explain how having a sex buddy is not as fun or cool as she thinks it is. That girls get reputations quick and they never lose that reputation. No matter how hard they try. Using examples of kids that they talk about from school. If it is about sex and that she wants to start experimenting, fal back on the rules from your household. Ours is no dating until 16. 15 and you can go to the movies in a group. Nothing before that. No options. She would need to accept that. I have been having these conversations with my son, since he was 6. I have always talked about valuing women and that how you treat a woman says more a lot about your character.
Good luck, also take the phone away for a minimum of a month. She abused the right to have one. If she can't be appropriate with it, she doesn't need it.
Had the same issue a few
Had the same issue a few months back with my 12 year old. An older boy was sending her very inappropriate, sexual texts and she was replying back-nothing she said used bad language or was incredibly over the top-but the fact that she allowed him to say some of things he said and she kept talking to him. Very scary to me. Have had many talks with her about the dangers of being sexually active in anyway at this age. What seemed to hit home most with her was not std's, pregnancy, poor future-but rather the feelings aspect of it. She went along with what this boy was saying because she wanted him to like her. We alked about how he really didnt like her as a person and in fact didnt even know her as a person and that sex was something so special that she needed to save if for someone who truly cared about her. WE discussed how this sort of talk was disrespectful for her and she was worth more. Also asked her what she thought her grandparents would think and she ended up feeling ashamed-(in a good way). That being said-we also blocked text messaging on her phone, cut of her internet access, and didnt let her have any social activities for a month or so. We told her that it was not necessariy a punishment, but rather our recognition that she was in over her head and that we needed to help her make better decisions but limiting her opportunities to make bad ones.
Thanks HappySearch. SD
Thanks HappySearch. SD already watches these Teen Mom shows and I figured I would probably work this show into our talk. There was also a suggestion that I get a crying baby for her to take care of. I do have a better idea. I have a niece that's just over a year old. All my kids absolutely LOVE her! Sweet niece used to have real bad problems with holding down her formula, so I think I will remind SD of how grossed out she would get when sweet niece would throw up. There was one time I thought SD was literally going to throw her at me because baby started throwing up while SD was holding her! Sorry hun...if you have a baby of your own...you get to clean all the poop, puke and pee!! Have fun!!
You said: "The idea of
You said: "The idea of making her write a paper on all STD's is a good idea, but we can't get her to do her homework, much less something like this."
WHAT? Who's the parent here? You sit her down in front of the computer on a Saturday morning and tell her she doesn't leave for more than 15 minutes every two hours until the reports are done.
Stop being a pansy.
IF she's going to be sexually active at least make her understand that she has to avoid pregnancy (two types of birth control including the condom) and STD's.
Once all this settled down at least she'll have a understanding that if she's going to do adult things there may be adult consequences.
Therein lies the problem. I
Therein lies the problem. I am not the parent. SD does not do anything I ask/tell her to do. (Thanks to BM for making sure the kids don't mind me). And unfortunately, DH would not make her do this either. And as I said...I want to approach this in a way that will leave her open to talking to us in an honest way. This child is VERY "i'm the victim here" type personality and thinks that she should be able to go through life being catered to. If we try to force her to write about STD's...she will completely close off to what we are trying to say to her. I don't like treating the kids with "kid gloves", but I/we REALLY want to get through to her as to why this is not a good road to travel...