does it ever get better?
my ss13 has ODD and ADHD and "may" now be presenting for antisocial personality disorder. my ssd10 is emulating her drunk, biker slut mother, who btw has told all her children that they don't have to listen to me, yadda yadda yadda...that their dad and i will be quits in a year, blah blah blah. the youngest of that brood is a spoiled momma's boy but i live in hope with that one. he's so very very Six. and that leaves my ss8 who is a bright shining star and loves me for ME, for a wonder.
it's the older two who are causing me no end of tears every...single...day...
BM had ss13 to try to get another guy but that guy ran for the hills. my wonderful guy married BM and raised ss13 as his own. BM has told the boy all his life that he's stupid and she never wanted him. she's treated the only girl like a damn princess because, well, she's the only girl and therefore the most precious thing in the universe and all things should bow before Princess SS10.
BM has spent motherhood recruiting Tools to parent for her while her hb (now my wonderful guy) was deployed FOUR TIMES. one by one, the Tools left until she finally had to, omg, PARENT HER OWN KIDS. she didn't feed them. she didn't buy groceries. she holed up in a closed dark garage and chain smoked and drank like a fish. CPS opened an investigation but witnesses refused to cooperate, even though the school had documentation that the kids were malnourished and lacked basic hygiene.
then she dumped the kids in Mexico where her hb couldn't get them when he returned from deployment. she left the marriage and the kids.
and now SHE'S mad at HIM for the divorce SHE wanted! to that end, she has undermined us and manipulated these poor kids.
so now i have Ted Bundy and brittany spears in my house!!!!!
tell me, please....does taking one day at a time, giving all the love and patience you have to give, ever work???? does it ever get any better?????
Have to agree with StepAside
Have to agree with StepAside on this one. The fun (sic) never ends!! LOL. It would take years of therapy to even scratch the surface with many of these kids. Something that BM's fail to accept since the very idea of therapy means 'they' didn't do their job as a parent. Sure, your guy can step in and enforce boundaries, rules, etc. If BM steps in and makes trouble, there is no way in hell to make it better. Your SS won't get any dx until he is 18 and by then, there is no amount of therapy that will help him. The truth sucks, huh? Sorry. We don't want to be the messengers of bad news, just speaking from our collective experiences. Parenting SK's is difficult in the best of circumstances... with psycho BM's, it is IMPOSSIBLE. Hang in there though and remember that venting is a good thing, lol.
yes, venting DOES help!!!!
yes, venting DOES help!!!!
I suggest you stop
I suggest you stop worrying.
Don't worry about what happens to the steps.
Don't worry about the ex no matter what she says or does. Simply ignore everything.
Support your husband emotionally but not with any direct parenting or money.
You are helpless and will only reap blame with no reward no matter what the outcome. Once you place yourself above the melee you can get on with parenting your own children thereby saving them from being embroiled in this mess.
Make sure your husband knows of your plan so he understands you are not jumping in because of any disregard of his needs but simply because your presence will only roil the waters and be of no help in either the short or long run.
Again - you are helpless and powerless but will be the target whenever your face is shown. Just stay out of it.
i have kept saying that we
i have kept saying that we just take each day as it comes...but some days (most) i just can't let go of the anger and frustration.
i do not want to save the world. i am not interested in saving anybody's kids. i DO love these kids and i have no end of anger over how abused and neglected they were.
i've been leaning toward the following mind-set:
i am one of the adults in this house. i have no obligation to do anything for you except in support of my Beloved. i do not need to feed, clothe, or bathe you. i do not need to shower you with affection or give attention to your tantrums and overall nasty attitudes. i choose not to acknowledge you during your frequent moments of bad behavior (yay, Amish shunning!). i do not reward bad behavior. i am not here to be your mom or to take her place or to compete with her (though i'd love to wring her neck). i am not your babysitter or your nanny or your housecleaner. YOU have decided the course of our relationship. YOU have closed your hearts and minds to me. and at the end of all this THAT WOMAN will not have been the one who DID clothe you, feed you, hear your bs and your tears, got you through school, got you to adulthood in one way shape or form....THAT WOMAN will not have raised you ungrateful brats...WE are raising you. WE are doing the job SHE abandoned. and WE will be the ones who will catch you when you fall, because that's what parents do...while she finds her way to an early grave in her bottle and continues to ignore and neglect you, buying your affection with junk food and cheap entertainment to show the world what a "good mother" she is, ranting at you about "your father" and "that b*** he's with" (yes, she's said that and yes, she's told them never to mention me or my kids when they're with her)...but she's not raising you. WE are. but that does not give any of you license to walk all over me or treat me like s***. i DO NOT have to accept your hurtful behavior/words. i do not have to participate in you or your nasty behavior. i choose to turn away until you re-consider the direction of this relationship.
well, THAT philosophy is what has me in tears. it is so sad to me to pull away from these kids. i DO love them, but i refuse to participate in nastiness.
sigh...
amen and thank you. i KNOW i
amen and thank you.
i KNOW i still care, and while i wish i didn't care about BM's nonsense, i do still care about these kids.
yes, MY kids and MYself are my priority, as is my relationship with my Beloved.
i can certainly pull back from his kids and try to survive each day. i know i won't stop caring.
yay, i get to be the unsung mother...
and the kicker is that my own
and the kicker is that my own kids are wonderful!!!! even my Beloved has mentioned how thoughtful and grateful my kids are. he's noticed that they go out of their way to be compassionate and understanding with his kids. they thank him everyday for all he's done (and they thank me, too). they do their homework and their chores without issue. they behave the same way at home AND outside the home (school, friends', etc). and these are kids who do not get to see their father but once a year (he is military and lives in another state; deployed often). they email and call and text with him, but they rarely get time with him. he has been good with them, not bad-mouthing me or my Beloved (he saves that for MY emails...sigh...). further, he and i are able to communicate about the kids ammicably, as well as work toward visitation arrangements when he's not deployed.
so here i have my wonderful gals getting slammed just as hard as i am. it really kills my Beloved to see, as he's so often expressed.
we are still working together on this; he's very pro-active on his kids' behavior. but it's a nasty bit having to deal with BM in perpetuity....although she HAS mentioned that we should let her know when we're ready to file for sole custody (she has no money or resources for an attorney and seems to think she won't have to pay child support if she gives up parental rights)....the sooner she's out of their lives, the better...but it may be a pipe dream....
The BM in my situation taught
The BM in my situation taught both kids a new game.... how many ways to kill daddy's girlfriend. Then proceeded to call both of us and tell us about it via VM. Soooo, I sure feel for you. Hang in there. We know where you're coming from, (well most of us, lol.)
holy cats! record THAT
holy cats! record THAT conversation; document it. can you say restraining order? how 'bout: sole custody??? wow!
not that this BM hasn't said similar in her perpetual state of intoxication...
yes, that is exactly what
yes, that is exactly what enrages me...that these women are ENABLED by society, by the communities they seek out to validate their poor behavior, by our own frustrated vigilance in NOT sinking to their level with them OR their kids (boy, how often i've wanted to just RAGE at all of them).
and these kids, who have hungered for their mother all their lives, are still trying to please her so that she'll be what they want and need, and so she'll come back to them. so they excuse and forgive and defend her nastiness and embrace her horrid behavior and lifestyle and think that all their relationships should be just as mommy has and just as mommy dictates: drunk biker gang promiscuity, violence, and overall bad behavior.
there's a reason she lost custody!!!!
but you can't make a kid see how horrible their BM is. you can't compete with that and shouldn't...no matter how badly you want to kick her trashy drunken used up nasty ass.
Bingo!
Bingo!
In answer to your question,
In answer to your question, "Does it ever get better?" From my personal experience the answer is absolutely NO!