DH refuses to give adult SD a move out date
My SD (27) lives with us and hasn't worked since Dec. Since then she hasn't paid rent, but paid her bills (car note, etc.)out of money she saved while working. She recently got a job, and I told DH that I thought it would be a good idea to give her a move out date (say a year from now) to give her time to save and get on her feet. He refuses to do it because he wants her to go when "she's ready." In the meantime she's been shopping for clothes but hasn't given him one dime in rent. He's so jellyback that when he tried to talk to her about a monthly amount he wanted for rent, she brushed him off and told him she didn't get paid until the end of the month and he let it go at that.
I'm at my wits end because I know in my heart that she'll stay here as long as she can - why not, when she can pay some pittance for rent - drive an almost new car, and dress like America's Next Top Model. I refuse to pay bills while his adult daughter gets to shop. If anyone is going to benefit from the fruits of my labor it's going to be me.
SD and I have never really got along because I didn't want her living with us in the first place. That's another story however. But I'm starting to resent her even more for taking advantage of her dad. And I've also lost respect for my husband for being a doormat. Can anyone else offer advice on how they've handled this type of issue? I don't want to leave my husband because of this, but if I have to I most certainly will.
This is a tough one. I would
This is a tough one.
I would try to talk to him on another day. (The weekend for instance.) Tell him that you don't mind helping her out, but she is 27. She has gotten a job. She only needs 6 months max, not a year. (You are too generous.)
I would tell him point blank she must move in 6 months because you want your home back and that you do not want her staying here while she rebuilds her savings account, that you cannot afford to keep her, while she spends her money and lives off of you.
If he refuses.... go to battle.
Good luck.
My parents love me very much.
My parents love me very much. However, there are very few circumstances under which they would allow me, as an adult, to move back home, and "because I am too lazy to work" or "for a free ride" aren't on the list.
I don't think a move out date is going to work here. I think she needs to start paying rent immedietely. Before she pays her car note. Before she gets clothes. Just plain first and foremost. If she doesn't give you a handful of cash on the first, change the locks on the fifth and put her stuff on the lawn in hefty bags.
It sounds harsh, but you guys aren't helping her by letting her do this. She's grown. What will she do if something happens to her dad and she doesn't have the tools to deal with life on her own? If she doesn't have any kids, why can't she work 2 jobs if she's low on money? I always did, and I'll tell you one darn thing, No matter how difficult things have gotten for me, I have always found a way to land on my feet because my parents WILL NOT enable me to FAIL.
There is a big difference in what you can do when you know you HAVE to as opposed to knowing you should.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your comments. And I agree. We're not helping her, but if I come down on her, I'm the bad guy and we don't have a relationship as it is. As far as I'm concerned, she's his daughter. She also has a smart mouth and it will just take a second for me to want to grab her by the throat if she says something flip. So DH does all the communicating with her. We chit chat here and there and speak, but that's about it. If she were mine, it would be a no brainer . . should would have been gone already!
Once of the reasons I was against moving in was that he's coddled her to the point that it's pathetic. At one point, I cancelled the wedding because of her. I also thought her being here would cause conflict in the marriage, and I was right. So I'm already resentful of her presence. He sees and treats her as a child and not as an adult. He doesn't realize he's enabling her to never learn to be self-reliant and independent.
Not sure who's more pathetic him or her. I didn't marry him to leave him but how much of this am I supposed to take? She's been living with us going on 3 years now. . .you'd think she'd be ready to leave at this point. It's not normal to not want your own space.
There's no motivation for her
There's no motivation for her to leave--3 years? Come on. What a loser. By NO stretch does she need your help anymore. Damn, I bet your DH was a husband and father by that age. Can you shift more of the bills to DH, i.e. whatever you are paying extra for her--food, utilities, etc?
I think my SD22 will be the same way. She lives with her mother, TG, and has a kid. She wants to buy a house cause she doesn't want to "throw money away" on rent. But she has no credit of course and is barely getting started earning money.
"so I guess I'll be living with Mom." I almost feel sorry for BM. I made it clear to my 2 that they were on their own after school. Now they are self-supporting. Imagine that.
I think you believe you have
I think you believe you have no say and no choices. I say you take control "or else". She must pay rent and pay 1/3 of the grocery bill and then you tell her when she starts paying that as of Friday, she can stay as long as she wants. She knows you want her out, so she is gonna hang around despite that. If DH doesn't make her pay, then you stop paying everything and live for free too.
Buck up and take control.
Your DH loves her dearly. He
Your DH loves her dearly. He should and MUST insist she pay rent beginning immediately. Believe me, when she pays it, she will be more eager to get out on her own. I have 25 yr old BD and I can tell you, that it is wonderful to have them under roof from time to time.... but....with that being said.... I would not want it to be a permanent situation. Daddy is living in the past.....and trying to cling to what "used to be" with this daughter.... he does not want to push her out. But, he needs to have her paying her way. Period.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your wisdom. DH told me this morning that he had a talk with her on late last night and told her she had to start paying rent this month. She also agreed to buy groceries on a weekly basis.
I also feel that DH is living in the past . .treating her like she's 10 years old or something. To be brutally honest, I would rather we give her a date and take her money and save it for first's month rent, deposit, etc. . .as long as I have a move out date in site. This open ended living with us isn't fair to me and I'm going to tell him either she gives us a date or I'm going to give him one.
Halfstep mentioned that she knows we want her out, but is going to stay to spite is right on the money because she's spiteful and manipulative in that way.
The sad reality of all of this is that she is a loser and she's too stupid to see it. I don't have any respect for her at all and still see her as a child.
I would tell your DH that as
I would tell your DH that as 3 adults are living in the house you will be paying 1/3 of all the bills. He can speak to his daughter to get the rest.
Are you able to block her car in so she can't just jump out and take off?
Does she do her laundry? Take your laundry detergent and hide it in the trunk of your car. She has to buy her own. Rent is for the mortgage, not for utilities.
And talk to her all. the. time. Ask her opinion about Hollywood Gossip. Call ehr on her cell phone to ask if she is home for dinner so you can make enough food. Even if she reminds you she cooks for herself, call her anyway.
Killing her with kindness and attention will drive her away.
The last resort may be to tell her you are having a Cleaning Session and you WILL be cleaning her room. Or stack boxes outside her room. When someone asks you tell either DH or SD that when SD moves out you will be using the room for storage.
Act like she already is moving in a couple of months. She will HATE climbing over all the boxes.
The absolute LAST resort is loud sex when she is home and within earshot. Or make out with your husband at every opportunity. If she makes a remark you smile and say "Yeah, but he is so irresistable! I can't keep my hands off him!"