Been here done that with SD14. I am sorry you are going through this. But, honestly we let ours go after she served us and the peace that came over this house was wonderful. Although we don't see her anymore she is still causing drama. You would have to read my blogs to get a feel for it. But, I will tell you to disengage from her completely when she is in your house. If you don't it will just destroy you. After SD14 served us with papers for the CO modification, we still had 50/50 for a few weeks. I had to ignore her. I couldn't take her phoniness. She lied to BM to get her to believe I was horrible.

Eventually DH gave her to her mom. Lawyers said we couldn't fight it and it would cost us a fortune. We still are waiting to settle this and it has been 8 months since she lived with us. I want the brat out of my life. It won't happen, but I can dream.

Stay away from her. Do not give her any more fuel for this fire.

SD16 was the same way. We saw no reason to force her to stay knowing that she would do everything to make our lives a living hell. We just let her go, and life is oh so much easier now!

The interesting part will be when she shows up for Christmas expecting gifts :jawdrop:

I agree with Girl...let her GO......pack her stuff and help her to curb. She doesn't want to be there....she will make your life hell.

I am in exactly the same situation. My SD15 decided a few months back that she no longer wants the 50/50 custody arrangement her parents have in place. My SD15 feels that the home her father and I share has "too many rules" and "too many expectations". She feels that our home is "not as nice" as her mom's house in that she is not given as much freedom in our home as she is at her BM house. She also feels that she is not given as much chores to do at her BM's as she is given at our home.
People, fellow posters, one might think we ran a sweat shop. Better yet, my SD15 acts as though her father and I beat her every day & twice on Sunday. First off, neither one of us hits the child even when she is in the throws of histrionics. In fact, so little is asked of my SD15. Her only requirement is to pick up after herself. She is NOT asked to cook, clean, or anything for her father or myself. Up until last week when I made the decision to disengage, I did all the cooking, cleaning,laundry and grocery shopping for the whole house. I made it a point to buy the foods I know my SD likes whenever I went grocery shopping. My SD is asked to vaccuum once a week and pick up the dogs poop once a week (the dog is 10 lbs). We ask her to police after HER dog, because he was her dog for the past 14 years and was still HER dog prior to her parents' divorce. If my SD refuses to vaccuum or do poop patrol in the yard, her father and I do it anyway and my SD will not get to hang out with her friends, and no allowance for the week. Some weeks she did it, other weeks she did not. One particular week, during one of her usual outbursts, she demanded her father give her money vs making her "work like a slave" to earn it. Although her father tried to explain the importance of accountability, responsibility and all that, I could see his points were moot and falling on deaf teenage ears. My SD15 is no different than a sloth. She moves slowly, and comes out of her tree (a.k.a her bedroom) once in a while to defecate.

But you see, since life is "soooooo hard" at our house, and my SD knows her mother will do anything for her, she complained to BM and BM brought a law suit to modify the 50/50 arrangement. My SD15 then accused her father of "slapping" her and BM and SD took a picture of my SD face to use in the lawsuit. This was all unbeknownst to her father and myself. We actually didn't know about the picture and the accustion until my SD let it slip out of her mouth in a moment of elation when she told her father she wouldn't have to come to our house much longer "because mom will fix it". When my fiancee pushed his daughter for more information, that's when she disclosed the picture she took of her face with her cell phone, and what she used the pic for. My fiancee and I were both shocked. Were the police called by BM or SD? No. Was CPS called and the incident reported? No. Does mom and SD say the slap happened? Yes. So off we go to court. A) to keep the custodial arrangement the same (because that's what my fiancee wants. NOT ME); and to make sure my fiancee is not falsely accused in court of any abuse or crap like that. BF has now spent $4000.00 of his hard-earned savings so that he can defend his name and his rights.

My point of sharing my story with you is simply this. I want my SD 15 gone. Gone from my home, gone from my life. If I never saw her again on this earth, I would still be at peace. On the other hand, her father wants her here. He sees the person she is turning into (her BM) and he is determined to try to stop it, or at least show her that she needs to value people, family and relationships over money and trinkets. So far his efforts have been futile, but he says he can never give up on his daughter. Admirable to an extent. I tell him, if his daughter is so cold, calculating and callous as to plot with her BM to get away from her father, what will she accuse him of next. I have disengaged. I take care of the poor dog because he is old and needs love too. My fiancee does not give his daughter any extras which includes money or time out at the mall with her friends.

BM continues to treat my SD15 more like a friend than anything else. There is not a parent-child relationship between BM and my SD. It's definitely more of a peer-peer type thing. My SD is encouraged by her bm to talk back to my fiancee (her BF). My SD15 continues to say such nasty things about me, her father and our home. To which I respond, life teaches us all lessons sooner her later.
If my fiancee continues this fight for his daughter, it is HIS fight to have. If he depletes his savings and whatever else, it is HIS battle. He is doing what he feels HE needs to do I suppose, so that he can live with himself and say he did all he could. I have told him that my SD has 1 time to call me out of my name, or make any accusations against me, I will personally pack her shit and she can call her BM to pick her trifling ass up from a corner. I am NOT going to live in fear in my own house.

Goodluck. And remember, people/parents ALWAYS reap what they sow.

This hits home with me too. Sorry Texas Belle. I agree you'll just be further disappointed with her attitude if you force her to visit. Disengage, but do it politely, so you don't give her any fuel. Let her Dad continue having a relationship with her. Phone calls, date night at the movies, whatever she wants to do with him on her time. She's not your problem, and it's NOT your fault. I'm so happy to hear your DH is not blaming you. My DH doesn't either.

does this have anything to do with money?? does bm want more? sometimes skids just don't want to play the visit game anymore and they want to stay in one place or the other. 13 is a crappy selfish age. just make her come visit for now and back off of her and not try to hard. maybe you can get to the bottom of it.

the bm is a bitch for encouraging hatred. it'll come back on her. bm teaches a kid to hate....they will eventually hate bm. its karma

Being both BM and SM, I truly feel that a child should not be forced to visit. I think it only makes the situation worse. This is a crappy time of selfishness, I don't care how others feel age. They are trying to find themselves. This means, they are much more interested in hanging out with their friends than EITHER of their parents. At CP home they have access to their closest friends, the people they hang out with the most. At NCP they have friends, but the connection may not be a close. For instance, SS12 and BS12 have friends in our neighborhood. These kids play sports, ride dirtbikes, hunt, fish or just hang out at each others homes... though both SS12 and BS12 both have these friends, BS12 is much closer with them than SS12 is.. Why? Because they are BS12 primary friends, he is with this group of kids most all the time. They go to school together too. SS12 lives with BM about 30 minutes away and has his own set of friends there that he has closer bond with.

So at this age of "its just not cool to hang out with your parents" anymore, friends are top priority..we come across I don't want to go to Dads. SS12 sometimes has better, more fun things to do that involve HIS friends, and doesn't want to come here, or if he does come, wants to be taken to one of his friends. BS12 doesnt want to go to his dads bc he sometimes has better, more fun things to do that involve HIS friends.

I feel they so desperately want to be with their buddies, doing whatever they do that they will go to any lengths to make this happen. Blame SM or SF? Sure, Why not? My BS will tell me he dont want go to his dads because there are no kids to hang out in that neighborhood. They will not allow he or his SSister (also 12) to go out of the yard and treat them like they are 4. While he does blame his SM (Dad wasn't like that before he met HER, so it MUST be HER rule) he also blames his father. I can tell you this... I don't agree with stopping visitation, but I don't think they should be forced to go every single time. My BS does want to go most of the time but he don't want to be forced to.. When they are forced to go everytime and miss out on special events to just go sit in front of the TV with BD/SM and be bored, they start to detach. They will do this to either parent bc they are almost teens. IMO its better to allow them some freedom than to take a chance on pushing them to the point of not wanting to come ever.

With SS12, My hubby travels with his work. If he is not here BM don't LET them come anymore. Im pretty sure she is telling my SS's that I don't want them here when DH is not...(only hurting her children).. SS12 cries to come visit even when DH is not home. -- that is another blog, lol) but still and all, when DH is home SS12 wants to see him, but there are times still that he would prefer to hang out with his friends. -- AND WE LET THEM DO THAT!!!

She sounds like a brat and I would gladly ignore her and welcome her absence from my house.

So congrats BM, you want SD to hate someone who could help her, you 'win'! and SD would get no more support from me as long as she holds that attitude.

I have often felt that as the SM, I, the non-parent, am the ONLY one who has EVER given my SD any consequences. If you act like an ass, people won't like you, that is what you will teach her.

I am totally unconcerned with my SD's opinion of me, after the way she has acted for years. But I guarantee you she has gotten a couple much needed life lessons from me. That is my contribution to her current well being and hopeful future success.