Should I let 18 yo sd live with us?
My sd 18 is graduating from HS this year and plans to go to college near our home. She has already made a comment that she does not want to live at her mom's b/c there are rules and she wants to be able to do her own thing. I know that she wants to live with dh and I b/c we are close to the school and I know she thinks that she can do whatever she wants. When she is here, she is a slob! She leaves clothes all over her room, never washes the dishes, and leaves soda cans all over the house! I don't know if I will be able to deal with living with her??? My biggest concern is that I am in recovery from alcoholism and I have been sober for almost 5 yrs. I am fearful that her "party" lifestyle will be a trigger for me since she is very much like I was at her age. Any advice???
First off Congrats on your 5
First off Congrats on your 5 Years!!!
Have you discussed your concerns with dh? and what are his thoughts? Then set between you and him Guidelines that you two agree upon, (ALL scenarios) what is expected, consequences ect.... then you both sit down with sd and discuss that there are rules and they are expected to be followed. I dont know how close of a relationship you and your sd have but, if its a close one... in this meeting if your comfortable with sharing your concern about "life style" i would share it with her in front of dad... this would be a good time to bring it ALL up that way there is NO "in between" the lines (RULES) and then you all know where each of you stand...
Congrats on your 5 yrs! As
Congrats on your 5 yrs!
As for allowing your SD to live with you - in a word - NO! Your entire household will be turned upside down. She's already balking at obeying the rules at her mother's house, you know she's a slob and will surely turn your house into a pig pen and if she's a hardcore partier, you're going to have more to deal with than you know. This is exactly why my sd19 doesn't live with us - she lives with her sister and you should hear her sister's complaints! If you can afford to, help her with dorm housing or a roommate, however, most 18 yr old freshmen are required to live on campus unless they are living with family. Good luck!
NO! Especially since her big
NO! Especially since her big reasoning is because her mom's house has too many rules. She should go live in the dorms. If it is a community college then she should find some friends and rent an apartment. Or - maybe, just maybe - she will have to learn that just because you are 18 and in college, if you are not financially independent that you aren't really independent!!
Her comment that she doesn't
Her comment that she doesn't want to live at mom's because she has rules says a lot. Dh needs to tell her she'll have rules at your house too...maybe even more. Then he can suggest her getting a job and saving up for an apartment. If she wants freedom then she can pay rent and bills and live on her own.
I'm with everyone else. This
I'm with everyone else. This is a BIG RESOUNDING NO. If she wants NO rules, she can go and get a job, find a couple of roommates to rent a place with, and live however she wants to live on her own bill.
SS22 was living with us and as soon as I mentioned that some rules were going to be put in place (because dh didn't feel that rules were necessary when he first moved in since ss is an adult) he ran for the hills. He only wanted to be in our home as long as he could do whatever the hell he wanted and have no respect for anyone else in the house. I say don't even invite the problem into your home.
If your dh refuses to tell her no, then you best make sure that you 2 are square on rules and consequences... I would make her get a job, pay rent even if it's only $50 a month (the point is responsibility), keep her room clean as well as cleaning up after herself in order to be respectful of the other people living in the house, put curfews in place so that you aren't sleeping and hear your door slamming at 3am in the morning when you have to get up the next morning for work (been there done that!)... make sure you cover it ALL including laying out consequences for any broken rules... 1st, 2nd, and 3rd offenses if necessary.
Good luck.
She has the wrong reasons for
She has the wrong reasons for moving in and is not likely to abide by your house rules so I would say no. It's not her partying lifestyle that might be a threat to your sobriety, it's the stress levels of having a lazy uncooperative childult living with you!
My SD is 15. Her father and I
My SD is 15. Her father and I have already decided that living with us after high school is NOT EVEN AN OPTION! Like your SD 18, my SD 15 is so messy and so nasty that picking up her own used sanitary napkins off her own bathroom or bedroom floor is a task. My SD is filthy, and she complains about having to pick up after herself now. She has now gotten her BM to drag us back to court because she doesn't like to come to our house because of "the rules" we have on picking up after one's self. So after her high school graduation, I hope for my SD's sake things with her and her mother work out because living here with us is something that will not happen. Her father and I have already made that decision jointly that her bedroom now, will be converted into a home office the day she graduates. Whenever she comes to our home, it will never be to "crash".
NOT JUST NO, HELL NO!! End
NOT JUST NO, HELL NO!! End Of Discussion!
Lol. Save yourself, give yourself the gift of a life and make her get out and make her own life. I've been here done that with sd21 and she uses til she can't use any more....until i put a stop to it!
please, save yourself the grief and aggrivation.