SD is running your house and it's time for it to come to a screeching halt. HS did a nice job of summarizing it. It's time for your wife to stop coddling her and time for SD to grow up and learn not only respect, but to be the self-reliant, independent young lady that she needs to be. Her mom is not doing her any favors.

If SD's boyfriend wants to lay up, let them do it under her watch . . in her place. Put an end to that. My SD (27) tried that same foolishness and I told DH it was not acceptable, so now if they want to lay up, they do it at his place.

It's time to have a long talk with DW and tell her that things must change. First off, SD has to get a job and pay rent. After that a decision needs to be made on a move out date. Since SD is 24 and has a college degree there should be no reason she can't find a job. She's also very disrespectul to her mom and I'm mortified that you DW would allow this. Somebody has to be the voice of reason here and it has to be you. Put your foot down or next her boyfriend will be moving in . .walking all over you and DW as well. And at that point tempers will flare and you may end up doing something you regret. Resolve it before it gets to that point. Good luck.

My parents never changed the rules from the time I entered high school til the time I moved out. If I moved home today, the rules would still be what they were for me when I was 13.

Weeknight curfew was 10pm. Weekends were midnight.

If I wasn't coming home, I had to call by 8 pm, and I had to have a phone number of someone my mom could talk to to verify what I told her I was doing was actually what I was doing.

I had to pay my car note and insurance, and buy all my own clothes. If I didn't pay, I didn't drive. If I needed something and couldn't buy it, I could keep on needing.

It was a good incentive to get out when I got out of high school. Oh, and I was never allowed to have company past 9 pm and we were not allowed to be in my bedroom with the door shut. My parents were what I thought of as strict at the time.

The thing is, if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to be an adult and get your own digs.

Mndad,

HS offers sounds advice. This isn't a stepdaughter issue, it's a parenting issue. Your partner needs support, understanding and help to make the right decision. Parenting is hard, and the right decision while obvious to some, is not always so when its your child.

When you approach the conversation again, be calm. She thinks it's a choice between you, because it probably feels like one. Be calm, let her know that you're not going anywhere, that you love her and want the best for her children too. Don't threaten to leave - This is not a choice between family members, its about acknowledging problems. By threatening to walk you are reinforcing the mentality that she does have to make a choice.
When your partner is nervous about making a decision, they wont rely on the one that threatens to leave when things are difficult. That is a mentality that takes years to repair.

Be gentle about this subject. Her parenting skills (especially if she is was a single parent before you met) are a very sensitive subject. Talking aggressively or negatively about her daughter is a criticism of those skills.

Talk to your partner about how her daughters' behaviour affects you- how does it make you feel? Concentrate on your feelings, not your stepdaughters' failings. Do you feel disrespected? Uncomfortable in your home? Sad? Hurt? Scared as stepparent for the future of you stepdaughter? Tell her your concerns for her daughter - concerns for her development into a grown-up. Your job is to get your wife to understand things need to change for your happiness and that of her daughter. To understand this she needs to trust your intentions and motivations. Tell her they come from a feeling of deep care for her daughter, and the respect you hold for the home you share.

Its not easy to give your child the dreaded 'tough love,' your wife needs to know that she will have your support through it. It will be hard, especially for her. Your job as husband is to get your wife understanding what she needs to do for her daughter, and the consequences if she doesn't. It's a tough situation, and one that you must approach delicately and respectfully and lovingly. By doing this you stop your wife hiding under the, "You're making me choose between my child and you" response/ excuse. Because you aren't, you are asking her to respect your feelings and opinion, thats it.

Hope this helps and try to remember that all problems are solvable.

Delilah.
www.howtolivewithaliens.blogspot.com

First off, let me just say that a loser is a loser is a loser. They come in all colors. Also, you're seeing SD for who she really is. If one has been taught to have a moral compass, values and respect, nothing or nobody can cause you to deviate from that. The bigger question is why she chose him.

Also, tell your DW that since she won't make any changes, you'll be forced to leave. Hopefully that will make her come to her senses.

My SD has a masters and I know about that smug and sassy know it all f!ed up attitude. DH didn't want to give her a move out date because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. She'll turn 28 this year. We didn't get along because she's lazy, petty, not friendly and mean spirited . .not someone I would ever chose to live with. DH is used to it, but I don't have to deal with it. She had the gall to tell DH that I didn't like her and she felt like I didn't want her here. Now what moron do you know that wants an ADULT child living with them and their new spouse? It just goes to show you how stupid she is . . . even with a degree. So since DH didn't want to hurt his little baby, I told him I was going to give her a year to get her Shi! together and move and if not I would be leaving. She recently got engaged thank goodness.

Sometimes parents refuse to let go of their adult children, and when that happens you have to put your foot down and leave for your own sanity and happiness. I was certainly prepared to do just that.