Nearly Finished and Very sad
So it's changeover day. I am home with SS11 and changeover is supposed to be in an hour. We are waiting to hear where and when I should deliver their son. I put more planning into doing my nails!! I am crying for him. Neither of us deserves to be treated like this. BM and his father are working in town.
This was the first day of SS12 college. Last night, we finally got one shirt, one shorts and one pair of socks delivered to us by BM so he would have uniform for his first day. They are labelled (this was the reason she took a week to drop them) with pen - her address. We went halves in a full set of uniform but she delivered just enough for one day. So we will have to go and buy more even tho we already paid. That is just to avoid a mountain of cr*p entanglement over a couple of shirts and socks.
I have almost had enough. I am beaten. I can't keep caring like this and having no power. I can't keep being treated like dirt because of their inability to parent their children together. Every time I try to make a suggestion about how it should be in this house, I get a big defense reaction from DH - he says I am calling him a hopeless father.
I know it's impossible to co-parent 50/50 with someone who refuses to co-operate. I know DH is doing his best but they both put me in this situation and they put their son in this situation.
I don't feel married. I feel so strongly that I am just some sort of useful maid for them both. I have asked him over and over not to give her any opportunity to impact on us like this. I am tired of hearing - you were right - Im sorry I got mad with you. I want DH to stop putting us in this with BM. I don't have any more hope that this will stop. 
It's making me crazy - literally.
Why does he keep giving BM
Why does he keep giving BM the opportunity to make life hell? He has a choice. He could take my suggestion and make this house independant of her. We could buy our own stupid uniform. He already gives her CS even tho we have them 50%. He just went halves in clothes for her house and now we have to go buy our own.
Why does he keep thinking it will be different this time?
It's making me wonder if maybe he wants to keep up the entanglement. Like he's not finished with her yet.
Milknosugar. I sure hope that
Milknosugar. I sure hope that it not the case for you but I have heard of men who get an ego boost from having two women who "fight" over him. Or maybe likes the drama?
Only you would be able to answer that in your own heart.
Do they do that in full
Do they do that in full knowledge of the damage and risk?
I am going to counselling with him this morning and I feel like it's the last gasp effort from me.
What can I say that will make him see what he is doing to us? I am afraid he doesn't care what he is doing to us.
It IS very difficult to
It IS very difficult to co-parent with someone who is vindictive, for sure. A lot of times, the dads will bow down to whatever BM wants to make sure they can continue to see their child(ren).
Would he consider going to counseling with you? Sometimes it's easier to talk about situations like this in counseling where the therapist can diffuse the situation as far as your H being defensive.
If money is an issue, you could try a clergy member (if you go to church) or your employer's EAP (don't think they will do marriage counseling but personal counseling can be beneficial too).
Thanks. I am dragging him to
Thanks. I am dragging him to this one.
It's got to the stage that when I explain my feelings, he is just as defensive as if I had said he was hopeless. He says "I hurt you if I breathe" and "I think it would be better for you if you left". He says it's just the way he is and he can't change.
I will try to say this in counselling and thanks again for the suggestions.
"he says I am calling him a
"he says I am calling him a hopeless father"
It drives me nuts when my wife plays that crap with me. When she does I usually respond with something along the lines of "At any point in this conversation have the words YOU ARE A HOPELESS (FATHER) come out of mouth. Since I already know they answer to this question you may want to pull you head out and LISTEN!"
I find that people who play the card your DH is playing are trying to spin their own guild and crap around an put in on me.
Not happening in Rags' world.
Interestingly over the years there have been ample opportunities for my wife to turn my line around and use it on me. It drives me as crazy when she uses it on me as it does when I use it on her. Fortunately I have not compounded the problem by escalating and have realized that she was right and that the issue we were "discussing" was mine and not hers. When she plays my line back at me she usually does it with a nice smart asses "Really?" smirk on her face.
It took some time but when the line gets played in either direction one of us usually ends up calling the other a "smart ass" and we get a laugh out of it.
This really is not your issue. It is your DHs. Maybe playing "the" line with him will help him realize that you are not the bad guy, that you are there to help and that the issue he is spinning around on you is actually his.
Good luck.
Best regards,
Im not quite sure what
Im not quite sure what happened but somehow, it turned into me causing his defensiveness. He is very good at this twisting everything stuff.
I tried to talk about how I couldn't communicate to him (my feelings cause him anxiety apparently) and it seemed to end with... I don't really know what. It almost seems that the recommendation is that maybe I should stop trying to communicate.
From what I could gather, the problem is that I don't trust him. Especially I don't trust him to do the right thing by his "new" family. Again, that seemed to be something that I need to work on. I can't quite work out what he needs to work on. I asked what would be the harm in helping me to gain trust by letting me have a say in how this family works. He said to let me do that would make him feel like I didn't trust him.
They said I keep testing him to see if he was with me or her. I think maybe I do and each time he does something to engage with her that makes me wonder. He doesn't have to. So I mistrust. It's a cycle.
I think I am supposed to let it go. You guys have advised that and I am going to work hard on shrigging my shoulders. I can't see how else I am going to keep my sanity. I am going to work on my fear of being left alone. I am going to work on my self esteem and make it ok for me to have boundaries.
If he wants to keep trying to co-parent with someone who wants custody and is only interested in causing our family harm, I should just shrug and say ok. Next time she screws us over, I will laugh. Maybe slightly maniacally. I give up....sigh. Maybe giving up is the first stage of me moving on and will help - or maybe it will cause our relationship to die. Either way, hopefully, I will stay sane.
I thought we were a team but I have to let him go and stay involved in his past insane relationship.